Any jokes?

[Tumblepop2002]

My Thai Wife left me for no reason.


She`ll be back, with her tail between her legs.

[RallyCola]

Stacey is walking down the street...strutting her new hips, fantastic boobs and fluffing her luscious blonde tresses.

Frankie, her old friend, walks up and says, "Wow, Stacey, you look amazing. You've had a ton of improvements...and you look great as a blonde."

"yeah, but it hurt like hell," Stacey said.

"Really, was it when they cut your chest open and put in those massive implants?" Frankie asked.

"No, that didn't hurt."

"Was it when they inverted your sac to create, what I can only imagine is a glorious vagina?" Frankie questioned.

"No, it wasn't that either," Stacey said.

"Well what was it?" Frankie stated with a bewildered look.

"It was when the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out 1/2 of my brain."

[martin48]

Whenever my Dad takes a picture he always says, "Smile for the Dickie Bird".

Surely I should be looking at him and not his Thai bride.

[Rolando]

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-P2opPQry4Ec/TYDdCVp2b1I/AAAAAAAABiI/DpzGJZRw45M/s400/4.12.jpg

[Rolando]

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-HXk1nmV4nXU/UNIKBwmLbwI/AAAAAAAACIU/heohMFryRnc/s400/652_terrorist-school.gif

[Jericho]

I met these beautiful Thai birds in a club last night.

We really hit it off and eventually I plucked up the courage to asked them back to my place. Things were going really well but when they started stripping I had the shock of my life.

They had vaginas.

[Grahame]

I was sitting opposite a really cute Thai girl on the train today.. I was thinking 'don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection'.. but then, she did ;)

[Jericho]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't fukkin argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband ...
"See, it's not that fucking difficult, is it?" he says.

[Jericho]

What's blue and fucks trannys?
Me in my lucky blue anorak.

[Jericho]

Bloke necks a quadruple whisky in one.
Barman says whats up.
Bloke says "came home early to find my wife shagging my best friend.
What did you do asks the barman.
Bloke says "I told her to pack her bags and fuck off"
What about your best friend asks the barman.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG NO BISCUITS"!

[GroobySteven]

My Thai Wife left me for no reason.


She`ll be back, with her tail between her legs.

That's fucking good! I'm stealing it for mine!

[Jericho]

I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought.
Then I realized, I'd left the "R" out.

[Jericho]

Teacher asks Kids about their Dads job's.
Mary say's "My Dad's a Lawyer, he puts bad people in Prison".
Jack say's "My Dad's a Doctor, He make's sick people better.
Johnny Say's," My Dad's dead ".
The teacher asks " Well what did he do before he died? and Johnny replies "He turned Blue and Shit on the carpet"!

[JenniferParisHusband]

A father and son were on their farm in Kentucky, looking over a wooden fence into a field where the cows are. Suddenly a bull comes up from behind a cow, hops up and starts going at it.

TIMMY: Paw, what's them a doin?

PA: Well son, them's a fucking.

TIMMY: What's that paw?

PA: Head on home, I'm a gonna learn ya something (because that's how they really do talk in Kentucky.)

Timmy runs home with his dad who throws open the door, boldly marching into the living room where his wife is in a rocking chair knitting.

PA: Maw, you head on upstairs, we're a gonna fuck.

The wife throws up her hands in praise, gives a rebel yell and runs up the steps in unbridled joy. Followed soon after by her husband, and son, who stop in the open doorway looking at the now naked woman lying anxiously on the bed.

PA: Son, the first thing you've gotta do, is get yerself naked.

The father takes off all his clothing.

PA: Next, you've gotta get yerself hard.

The father reaches down and gives a few tugs until he's hard.

PA: Now, you see that hole between your Maw's legs? I'm a gonna go and get it!

The father jumps on the bed and started going to work on his wife as his dutiful son keenly watches. Soon after, Timmy's little brother Tommy shows up.

TOMMY: Brother, what's Maw and Paw a doing?

TIMMY: Why, them's a fuckin.

TOMMY: What's that?

TIMMY: Pay attention, I'm about to learn ya something. First, ya gotta get yerself naked.

Timmy takes off all his clothing.

TIMMY: Then you gotta get yerself hard.

Timmy fondles himself until he's rigid.

TIMMY: Now, you see that hole between daddy's legs? I'm a gonna go and get it!

[Jericho]

10 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of soldiers dead, state of the art technology, but the US finally found Bin Laden.
...In his house.

[Jericho]

"Jesus loves you".
A nice gesture in church...but not something you want to hear in a Mexican prison. :shrug

[brickcitybrother]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

[brickcitybrother]

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A: A tran-sister.

[TSCURIOUS]

And I don't care - it's funny

What's a Jewish dilemma?





Free Ham

[NYCTSluv]

Great avatar Jericho. Ha

[Stavros]

Two cannibals meet in a bar, and one tells the other: I've never met anyone I didn't like...

[Jericho]

The missus asked where i would most like to be buried?
Apparently "Balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

[dc_guy_75]

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A: Zero

[dc_guy_75]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest says "Let's go fuck one of those kids"

The Rabbi responds "Out of what?"

[Jericho]

A Priest sees a little boy on top of a cliff crying. "What's wrong young man?"
"My mummy and daddy have gone over the edge in our car and I think they're both dead!"
The Priest pulls his cock out and says, "Not your fukkin day is it!"

[Jericho]

Great avatar Jericho. Ha

Just doing my bit for world peace and religious tolerance. :ignore:

[Tumblepop2002]

Man walks into a pub and sees him friend sat at a table with a cardboard box. He sits down and asks “What’s in the box mate?” his friend answers “It’s a vibrating pussy” and guy looks in the box and asks “Is it any good?” friend says take it in the toilet and try it out” an hour later the guy staggers out the toilet and sits back down he says “that was the best fuck I’ve ever had in my life I’ve got to buy it off you” he leaves the pub and takes the pussy home. His wife comes in from work and sees it on the table with a face of disgust she asks “what am I supposed to do with THAT!?” the man answers “teach it to cook and FUCK OFF!”

[MdR Dave]

What's blue and fucks trannys?
Me in my lucky blue anorak.

That's funny.

[BreeTexas]

Q: Do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his Trans-Atlantic crossings?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because he was quartered on the port side.

Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.

[Winkle]

A kid is being taught sex education at school so when he gets home he says to his dad, "dad dad teach me everything you know about sex" his dad says "says follow me son" and he takes the boy upstairs and into the bathroom where his mother is naked in the bath. Dad then says "that big fat hairy thing's a fanny, and the rest of it's a cunt".

[Jericho]

That's funny.

Think we might be in the minority with that one! :dead-1:

[RallyCola]

why do farmers fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff?



so the sheep will push back.

[Jericho]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a man standing alone.
She sidled up to him and said, "My name is Carmen"
"Beautiful name" the man replied.
"Yes, I gave it to myself as it reflects my two most favorite things.....cars and men...Whats your name"?
"BEERCUNT"!

[RallyCola]

One fine Sunday morning, a teenage boy walked into his father's study and asked,
"Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?"
"Why yes!" his father exclaimed with a wide smile, "it was glorious! Have you just had your first?"
"Yeah," said the son, "how did yours taste?"

[Jericho]

I think i messed up my blind date last night.
During the meal she asked me, "Whats your pet hate?"
I said, "It doesn't like my cock up its arse"!

[Jericho]

A little girl is lost in Liverpool Tescos and is really upset and crying.
The security guard comes over and says "Eh, don't cry, we'll find your mummy. Now tell me, what's she like?"
The little girl looks up with tear filled eyes and says "Big cocks and vodka"

[EZWind]

2 rednecks discussing their teenage daughters
"How 'bout your'n...is she sexually active?"
"Naahh...she pretty much just lays there jes like her mother"

[Jericho]

I walked into the Bedroom and caught my Nan Sucking Grandads Cock.
I said "Nan that's disgusting".
She replied " It's perfectly normal".
I said " No...IT'S FUKKIN WRONG...You should have buried it with the rest of him"!

[Jericho]

Two English tourists are driving thru wales.
They stop for lunch in Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogo gogoch.
One of them asks the waitress" Could you settle an argument? Can you pronounce where we are, very very slowly?"
The girl leans over and says "Burrrr-gerrrr-Kiiing"!

[Jericho]

Cant believe how realistic these new 3D tv's are.
I fell asleep watching a Liverpool game, and when i woke up my fucking wallet was gone!

[RallyCola]

a guy brought a blonde virgin back to his place and she was reluctant to fuck on the first date. he said he would kiss her to sleep. later that night, we awoke in excruciating pain to find his cock bloodied. the blonde said, "well, i woke up and decided to give you sweet kisses. i was kissing it, it grew and spit on me so i bit it"

[Jericho]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[RallyCola]

why does jesus fucking suck at hockey?



he keeps getting nailed on the boards

[RallyCola]

why can't jesus eat M&Ms?



they keep falling through the holes in his hands

[NightmareX0666]

One day Pete was complaining to his friend: 'My elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'.

His friend said: 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.'

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample.

He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash.

After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing the computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!

[Prospero]

The Iranian leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds
the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Ahmadinejad asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

[nysprod]

a guy brought a blonde virgin back to his place and she was reluctant to fuck on the first date. he said he would kiss her to sleep. later that night, we awoke in excruciating pain to find his cock bloodied. the blonde said, "well, i woke up and decided to give you sweet kisses. i was kissing it, it grew and spit on me so i bit it"

You're 0-3 man, keep your day job...

[nysprod]

Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A: Because they want to

[Jericho]

A man & wife in bed....Man farts and shouts "One nil"....Wife squeezes one out and shouts back "One all"
When it gets to 2 each the man farts, follows through and shits the bed.
The wife says what the fuck was that?
Bloke replies, "half time, swap sides!

[Jericho]

My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."

[GroobySteven]

Jericho - PLEASE keep it up - these are bringing a smile to my face.

[Jericho]

Jericho - PLEASE keep it up - these are bringing a smile to my face.


I've plenty yet, just trying not to cross the line! :ignore:

I love my new job as an impressionist.
So far my blind sister thinks she's Sucked off David Beckham, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt!

[martin48]

I've plenty yet, just trying not to cross the line! :ignore:

I love my new job as an impressionist.
So far my blind sister thinks she's Sucked off David Beckham, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt!

Getting the disabled in - now that is close to the line



I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.

She never saw me coming.

[Stavros]

Cant believe how realistic these new 3D tv's are.
I fell asleep watching a Liverpool game, and when i woke up my fucking wallet was gone!

Where's Sammi Valentine I wonder?

Why is Pakistan no good at football?
Every time they get a corner, they abandon the game to open a shop on it.

[Jericho]

My wife's got a pair of union jack knickers. I call them her Belfast pants.
Every time i take them down there's a fucking protest.

[Jericho]

Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel.
So the continuation of mankind rested on one of them fucking their mother.
Proof that the center of the Christian world began in Liverpool.

[Prospero]

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

[Prospero]

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

[Prospero]

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

[Jericho]

I was watching the Antiques Roadshow on TV.
A woman came up, placed a tampon on the table and said, there you go you clever cunt, tell me what period that's from!

[Jericho]

The doctor has put the wife on a new pill, and now we have sex every night.
It's fucking awesome!!!
It don't matter what position we are in, nothing wakes her.

[Lovecox]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"

[Lovecox]

I went to a motel.
The guy said the porn channel was disabled.
I said 'I'm not into that. Do you have interracial or double penetration?'

[Lovecox]

The flasher was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for one more year.

[Jericho]

A guy saves a kid from getting attacked by a pitbull, when it gets round town what he did the press come knocking at his door.
We heard what you did, you're a hero but we need to ask a couple of questions to get a headline for the front page.
No problem says the guy.
First are you a Man UTD fan asks the reporter?
Er no, he replies.
Well thats a shame says the reporter, we could of had "Red devil kills devil dog.
No, sorry, says the guy.
The reporter says, "You meen to tell me you live in manchester and you dont like football?
yeah i do, the guy says.
Well who do you support says the reporter?
Liverpool, the guy replies.
Oh thats easy says the reporter "Scouse cunt kills family pet"!

[Stavros]

I think you need to stop this now, Jericho, I am beginning to feel sorry for Liverpool, Sefton Park, the Liver Birds, Brookside...or just move to Chester. You might feel better about yourself.

[Stavros]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"

lovecox, however many times I read this, I simply do not understand it. 'Murray' makes me think of Murray Mints, Murrayfied, or the actor Bill Murray and none of them seem relevant...explain please...

[ImpulZ]

Right!!!

http://i45.tinypic.com/678q54.jpg

[GroobySteven]

lovecox, however many times I read this, I simply do not understand it. 'Murray' makes me think of Murray Mints, Murrayfied, or the actor Bill Murray and none of them seem relevant...explain please...
There is a cocktail named a "grasshopper". The joke is in a grasshopper named Murray.
I thought it was very funny.

[Lovecox]

There is a cocktail named a "grasshopper". The joke is in a grasshopper named Murray.
I thought it was very funny.

Thank you Seanchai. Yes, and the grasshopper's name could just as easily have been Clarance or Virgil, but it's funnier when it's a funny name.

[Stavros]

Hmmm...ok so it's a cocktail...but what's in it? I understand, even if it isn't funny.

[nysprod]

Guy walks into his house carrying a duck under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife gives him a dirty look and says "that's not a pig you moron, it's a duck."

So the guy looks her straight in the eye and says "I wasn't talking to you!"

[Jericho]

£14 for a full Easter dinner that feeds three
That's why mums go to Iceland
£10 for an 18 year old ladyboy bouncing on your cock all day
That's why dads go to Thailand

[Jericho]

Bloke goes up to a bird in the pub, thinking he's all smooth, and says, "Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it the stairway to heaven?"
She replies " Yeah it's a stairway to heaven...But I've already got a cunt up there, so fuck off"!

[Prospero]

I liked the grasshopper joke too

[GroobySteven]

Hmmm...ok so it's a cocktail...but what's in it? I understand, even if it isn't funny.

Jokes should never have to be explained - you either get it, or don't.

[The Piper]

...or just move to Chester.


Fuck off..we don't want his sort in Chester ;)

[Jericho]

Fuck off..we don't want his sort in Chester ;)

I'd rather live on the fukkin Wirral!
And i'd rather die of consumption than live there!

[The Piper]

I'd rather live on the fukkin Wirral!



Did that,for 30 years,know what you mean.

[Jericho]

I'm going to hell for this one...

I walked into my Grans bedroom and found her dead.
I was fukking gutted.
I put my arms around her, a tear rolled down my cheek, then i noticed she was naked.
For some reason, i got a boner!
I couldn't help it, i fucked her, then, just as i was about to cum up her arse, she shouted, BOOOOOOOOO!

Fucking sick cunt...Who pretends to be dead!!!

[Stavros]

And on a Sunday too...!

[Jericho]

Did that,for 30 years,know what you mean.

Fancy telling a Wrex to live in Chester.
I think we should both kick the shit out of Stavros and steal his pension...You first, you have the experience!!! :dead:

[Jericho]

I took a woman home last night and ended up sleeping on the sofa.
I must have got our drinks mixed up.

[Jericho]

My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers and having a wank...Made her funeral the next day a bit awkward!

[Lovecox]

My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers and having a wank...Made her funeral the next day a bit awkward!

LOL. Man, that's dark. Love it.

[Lovecox]

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The baretender says 'What'll you have?'
The skeleton says 'A beer and a mop.'

[Stavros]

Fancy telling a Wrex to live in Chester.
I think we should both kick the shit out of Stavros and steal his pension...You first, you have the experience!!! :dead:

Blimey mate, you must be desperate! But it makes a change, as the people most interested in my pension are usually wearing make-up and a frock...

[Jericho]

Said to my missus "Hey fat cunt what do you want for your birthday?"
She said "Don't get fucking lippy"!
I said "right, mascara it is then"

[Jericho]

Fucking Police!
The woman over the road stand's naked in the window watching me have a wank and I'm the Pervert!

[drongo]

Dad says to his son, son I think it's time you learnt how to masturbate.
Up to the bedroom they go and start going at it, back and forward back and forward, up and down up and down.
Son says, gee dad this feels great, dad says, sure dose but wait till you do
it with your own cock.

[Jericho]

I was walking down the road the other day when I bumped into Mike Tyson , he'd lost both his arms in a motor bike accident.
I remembered all the fights he'd had and how he'd been one of the greatest heavyweight boxers I had ever seen.
I was lost for words , what could I say ? he'd been my hero for so long ..... I looked into his eyes and suddenly found the courage to say something..."come on then you CUNT, lets fucking have it !

[Jericho]

I hate this fukkin snow.
I just saw an ugly girl on a sledge, she said "CAN YOU PULL ME"?
I said "Probably, but I'd have to be Pissed"!

[Jericho]

A dwarf just walked in the pub with a T shirt saying "I hate Paki's".
I thought "fuck me, that's a little racist"!

[Jericho]

Dad says to his son, son I think it's time you learnt how to masturbate.
Up to the bedroom they go and start going at it, back and forward back and forward, up and down up and down.
Son says, gee dad this feels great, dad says, sure dose but wait till you do
it with your own cock.

Fuk, and i thought I went dark! Lolz :ignore:

[Jericho]

I was Shagging this Bird the other Night and she said "Don't put it up my Arse"
I had to try explain, it's traditional for the person with the Knife to make the Decisions!

[Jericho]

Sing a song of syphilis,
A fanny full of crabs,
4 and 20 ulcers,
Covered in black scabs,
When the scabs were opened,
The cunt began to sing,
Isn't that a filthy place to stick your penis in!

[Jericho]

A man who worked for the Post Office had a job to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address. He decided to open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman, addressing the sender as God. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It
read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving cunts at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Jericho]

An obese woman struggling to walk stopped me in the street this morning and said "Will you see me across the road, love?"
I said "Across the road?, I could see you from space, you fat cunt"!

[Tumblepop2002]

Since were all slipping towards the darker sides of jokes here we go.
A woman goes to her Dr and complains that she’s been having pains in her stomach for a while. The Dr examines her runs a few test then sits her down and says to her “Well let me just say that soon your going to be spending a lot of time at home changing nappies/ diapers” the woman looks up and with a huge grin on her face says “Oh you mean I’m pregnant?” the Dr reply “No you’ve got bowel cancer.”

[RallyCola]

Ok....a dark one.

The people of Auschwitz are upset that their town has just a nasty history behind it therefore to try to boost tourism they decided to try to break 2 world records.

They are presently building the World's Tallest Tower of Shoes...because they seem to have a lot lying around and they are trying to break the record for the World's Biggest Pizza because they have the ovens.

[Jericho]

My lass got naked and asked, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
I looked up and said..."Your fucking sense of humour."

[Jericho]

A Man went to the Doctors complaining of being hard of hearing, The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms"
........The Man say's "Homer's a fat cunt and Marge has Blue Hair"

[Jericho]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab..."Waterloo, mate."
He said, "The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit fuckin late for the war."

[sukumvit boy]

Great Thread all. Tks.
Hey,I see they have found the grave of Richard III.
They had a hunch he'd be there!

[Lovecox]

Great Thread all. Tks.
Hey,I see they have found the grave of Richard III.
They had a hunch he'd be there!

LOL! How many people will even get that one.

[Jericho]

Three vampires are arguing about who can drink the most blood in the shortest time.

The first vampire turns into a bat and flies off, comes back about 10 minutes later with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that pub over there? I drank three peoples blood when they came out for a smoke"

The second vampire flies off and returns 5 minutes later with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that supermarket over there? I drank five peoples blood as they returned to their cars with shopping."

The third vampire flies off and returns 2 minutes later, completely covered in blood. The other two vampires look at him in awe.
He says, "See that tower block over there?" The other vampires nod. "I fukkin didn't"!

[Jericho]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fukkin fool when I married you."
She said, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice." :shrug

[Jericho]

I got the wife to smuggle coke through customs by shoving it up her arse.
I didn't realize you could buy another can once you got into the departure lounge.

[Jericho]

Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if it's the same in Walmart, so be careful!

[Jericho]

Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel.
So the continuation of mankind rested on one of them fucking their mother.
Proof that the center of the Christian world began in Liverpool.

[Wendy Summers]

From one of the kids in my neighborhood:

"What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?"

"Anyone can roast beef but not many people can pee soup."

[cheesenuts]

A biker out for a ride stops at a roadside cafe
as he enters he sees a stunning brunette behind the counter.
He reads the menu
Hamburger $3.50
Cheeseburger $4.75
Tri-Tip sandwich $6.00
Hand Job $50.00
He calls to the brunett"Excuse me darlin' are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Why yes I am she purrs"
"Well "says the biker "go wash your hands and bring me a cheeseburger."

[RallyCola]

a little girl goes into baskin robbins and overs a double scoop of chocolate ice cream.

server: i'm sorry, we are out of chocolate. please pick one of the other 32 flavors or colors.
girl: ok...let me think...hmm...i will have a double scoop of chocolate ice cream

server: i just told you, i'm sorry we are out. please pick one of the other 32 flavors or colors. the girl gets very pensive and stares into the ice cream case.
girl: ok...i will have a double scoop of chocolate ice cream

server: ok...repeat after me. "van" as in vanilla
girl: van as in vanilla
server: "straw" as in strawberry
girl: straw as in strawberry
server: "fuck" as in chocolate
girl: fuck as in choco...hey...there's no fuck in chocolate
server: THAT'S RIGHT...THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!

[robertlouis]

A bloke goes clothes shopping with his wife.

After hours and hours of her trying on all sorts of things she comes out of the changing room wearing a pair of slacks and asks him, "Do these trousers make my bum look big?"

Without looking up from his paper he replies, "No luv, it's the chocolate that does that".

[Jericho]

A woman is told she only has 24 hour's to live.
She tells her Husband and asks if they can make love one last time.
Crying and upset, he agrees and they have mind blowing sex.
After 12 hours, she asks again and he gives her the best oral sex she has ever had.
4 hours to go and she begs for one last go..."FUCK OFF", He said, "I'm not being funny, but one of us has to get up in the morning"!!!

[Jericho]

Don't you just hate it when your finger accidentally pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe?
Other than that, I'm really enjoying my new job at the Old People's home....

[Jericho]

Probably going to burn for this one, but....

School Register's being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary School:

Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here"
Ahmed El Kabul? "Here"
Fatima Al Hayek? "Here"
Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here"
Mohammed BinKadir? "Here"
Ali Son al En??
Ali Son al En????
Silence in the classroom.
Ali Son al En????????

A girl stood up and said "Sorry Sir, I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen"!

[Jericho]

My Gay mate (no, not you, another one), who's Dyslexic, can't wait for February 14th...He thinks it's Vaseline Day!

[RallyCola]

After 5 years of marriage, Richard finally told his wife he was a closet crossdresser.
The next morning, she slept rather than go out for their morning run.
The following week, she canceled his gym membership.
Over the next month, she kept giving him extra servings of dinner and had him sit around while she moved about and waited on him.
One wednesday night, she lathered her vagina with his favorite...rum raisin ice cream... and let him lap up every sticky drop.

Richard was amazed. He said, "wow...if i knew you would be this cool with it, i'd have told you years ago. Why have you been treating me so nicely?"

She said, "I'm trying to fatten you up so you stop stealing my clothes."

[nysprod]

From one of the kids in my neighborhood:

"What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?"

"Anyone can roast beef but not many people can pee soup."

Yeah...and remember, you can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish...

[RallyCola]

today at walmart, i saw the local pastor's kid getting arrested. i asked him what happened. he said, well, i asked god for a new bike, but my dad told me god doesn't work that way. so i stole a bike and was going to ask for forgiveness.

[robertlouis]

My Gay mate (no, not you, another one), who's Dyslexic, can't wait for February 14th...He thinks it's Vaseline Day!

Did you write the Roy Chubby Brown Joke Book Jez? :whistle:

[Jericho]

Did you write the Roy Chubby Brown Joke Book Jez? :whistle:

Not all of it! :hide-1:

[TempestTS]

a Rabbi, Priest and a Parrot walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "What is this some kind of Joke?"

[Stavros]

Courtesy of a Labour MP comes the claim that after the horse-meat scandal the Chinese are thinking of allowing the sale of quarter-pandas...

[giadamn]

Girl says "Dad, can I use the car tonight?" Dad says "You know what you have to do." So she gets on her knees and sucks his dick. When she finishes she says "Why does your dick taste like shit?" He says "Oh yeah, I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."

[Jericho]

A Nun goes into confessional and say's to the Priest, "I'm pregnant Father".
He asks how this could happen and she say's " I think it must be the second coming".
The Priest, shocked by the reply asks "What make's you think it was the second coming"?
She replied "Well, I swallowed the first"

[Jericho]

Just had my first shit since eating a Findus lasagne.
It was good to firm, soft in places.

[Jericho]

Where's the innocence gone, kid's know far to much these days.
I was in the Doctors waiting room and there was a little Girl with her Barbie and Ken Doll's imitating the Doggy position!
I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with Baby Doll's if you keep doing that!"
She said, "I don't think so Dick head, He's doing her up the Arse"!

[Jericho]

What's blue and fucks trannys?
Me Again...Told that blue anorak was lucky!

[Jericho]

It all feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm...but apparently, I ruined the funeral! :shrug

[Jericho]

My lass gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that made her look Sexy.
Should have seen her face when i came home drunk!!!!

[Stavros]

Just had my first shit since eating a Findus lasagne.
It was good to firm, soft in places.

Lost control over this one, boyo. Were you on the Chair when you thought of it?

[Jericho]

Just found out my Brother's got Alzheimers.
Hope it don't run in the family because my brother's got it too!

[Jericho]

Bloke walks up to a girl in a bar.
"Excuse me, have you got a pen" he says.
"Yes, i have" she replies.
"Oh good, you best fuck off back to it before the farmer sends out a search party"

[RallyCola]

sam walks into a bar, slams $20 on the counter and says "bartender, give me the strongest thing you have!" he takes the drink, slams it back, stumbles outside, starts to take a wiz in an ally and passes out.

2 guys walk by and see sam with his pants around his ankles, his ass in the air which they promptly use and abuse it and leave him $20 for his trouble.

Sam wakes up, discovers the $20 and goes back into the bar. the bartender says, "hey, back for more?"

Sam says, "no...i'll have something else...that last drink made me ass hurt!"

[Jericho]

Poor old Oscar.
He must be the only bloke in the world who got arrested for taking his girlfriend out on St valentines day! :hide-1:

[Stavros]

Your humour can sometimes be harsh and unforgiving, Jericho!

[Jericho]

Your humour can sometimes be harsh and unforgiving, Jericho!


And?

[Jericho]

On a lighter note... :rolleyes:

My girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees.
I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...

[Tumblepop2002]

And the Oscar goes to.......JAIL!

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Poor Oscars going to jail based on the evidence I've heard when he goes to trial he wont have a leg to stand on.

[Musashi]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.'

[Jericho]

Wayne Rooney was stood naked in front of the Mirror in the Man Utd Dressing rooms and muses to himself, "Why do i always get a Hard on when i look at myself?"
Fergie turned round and say's "Because even your Cock thinks your a Cunt"!

[Jericho]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage guidance weekend, Ken and his wife Janet, listened to the instructor declare that it is essential that husbands and wife's know the things that are important to each other. He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?
"Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride isn't it"?

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

[terrygrooby]

Rice is great
It's great when you're hungry
And it's great when you want 2000 of something

[Stavros]

This is actually a true story but funny nevertheless, not least if you knew who George Brown was, a man notorious for his drinking -

It is recorded that George Brown was at a function in the Peruvian Embassy in the capital of Brazil (Brasilia) and having, as usual, drunk too much spied a scarlet clad figure and asked for a dance. "There are three reasons why I cannot accept your offer. "Replied the figure." Firstly you are clearly the worst for drink, secondly this is not a waltz but the Peruvian national anthem and lastly I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima."

http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/site_imagery/georgebrown.jpg

[Jericho]

Aren't chicks amazing.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.... And our lass is getting on every fucking one of them!

[Jericho]

A Scouse Maths Teacher asks little Becky what comes after 69?
"A wet wipe and some mouth wash, Miss"!

[Jericho]

Walked past a Mental Hospital today and all the patient's were chanting 13, 13 , 13!
The fence was too high to see over but i found a tiny gap in the boards and peeked through to see what was going on.
Some Fucker poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started chanting 14, 14, 14......

[nysprod]

Q: How can you tell if a Jew is queer?

A: If he likes girls more than money.

[Jericho]

I saw my ex yesterday with her new fella and I just couldn't believe how much he looked like me when we used to go out.
...Fucking miserable!

[robertlouis]

Horse walks into a pub in the UK and the barman says "You'd better leave. We don't serve food in here."

[Jericho]

Bit of a groaner. but....

The Tesco scandal has now moved onto B&Q.
Their wooden flooring has laminate!

[robertlouis]

Bit of a groaner. but....

The Tesco scandal has now moved onto B&Q.
Their wooden flooring has laminate!

That reminds me, I was in the patio section at B&Q the other week and this old guy walks up and asks me if I want decking. I was surprised, of course, but I managed to get a few punches to the head and a kick in the goolies before he had landed a single blow.

[tsadriana]

Whats the difference btw a whoremeat and a horsemeat?Let me tell you fuckers...the whore meat is riding the horsemeat thats the difference ..hahahah it aint joke its just a crap invented by me since with the horseeat in uk hahah

[robertlouis]

Whats the difference btw a whoremeat and a horsemeat?Let me tell you fuckers...the whore meat is riding the horsemeat thats the difference ..hahahah it aint joke its just a crap invented by me since with the horseeat in uk hahah


Hey Adriana, in the end, it's all salami.....

Yes folks, you're reading correctly - that IS salami made from donkey meat!

[Jericho]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.

I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing like a tourettes sufferer.
After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere.
I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!

[nysprod]

Q: What's the difference between karate and judo?

A: Karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of.

[Prospero]

I bought a seafood salad from Tesco yesterday and when i got it home found it had seahorse in it.

[Jericho]

I saw a Scarecrow having a Wank in a Field today.
I thought, that poor Bastard, he's just clutching at Straw's!

[Jericho]

A Husband and Wife were lying in bed one Sunday morning, talking about the dreams they'd had that night.

Wife: I dreamed they were Auctioning off Cock's.
The Big one's went for £10 and the thick one's for £20.
Husband: And what about one's like mine?
Wife: Those they gave away,

Husband: I Dreamed they were Auctioning off Fanny's.
The Pretty one's went for £1,000 and the little tight one's went for £2000.
Wife: And how much were one's like mine.

Husband: Nothing, that's where they held the Auction!

[martin48]

Let's have some of the worst jokes ever

Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
A: She’s the one with dirty knees

Q: What’s the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly third grader

Q: What’s the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies.

Q: What’s better than having a rose on your piano?
A: Having Tulips on your organ.

That should do it

[Jericho]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

[martin48]

OK - get the drift. See if any of these ring a bell

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.



#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

#1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think that way.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

#1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

#1. If you won't dress like the Hollyoakes girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. FORMULA 1 and sports is as exciting for us as handbags/shoes are for you.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[Jericho]

We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Jericho]

I'll never forget the night i saw my first child being born.
I saw his head emerging and thought, well, that's that fanny's ruined!

[Jericho]

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.
Seems a bit sexist. :shrug

[Rolando]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in@ Mexico.


While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These
are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor, Sometimes
the bull wins.’

[KnHd]

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Tang Wong

[GroobySteven]

I don't think Jericho is in much danger of being upstaged. I'm amazed that some of you are posting jokes that are so old - or just so obvious.
Well done Jericho.

[sukumvit boy]

What time does the Chinamen go to the dentist?
Tooth hurtee.

[Jericho]

I don't think Jericho is in much danger of being upstaged. I'm amazed that some of you are posting jokes that are so old - or just so obvious.
Well done Jericho.

I've noticed some of them are older than dirt! :ignore:

[Jericho]

A gay bloke walk's into a Delicatessen and asks the shop keeper for a large Salami.
"Would you like it sliced Sir?" Asked the Shop keeper politely.
"Hell no, what do you think i am, a fucking Slot Machine"!

[Jericho]

I was chatting to a Bird in a Club last night, She said "Have you got a nickname for your Cock"?
"I've named it after a Welsh town" I replied.
"Don't tell me" She said, rolling her eye's, "Prestatyn"?
I said "No, Wrexham"!

[littlenookie]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey....why the long face??"

A guy walks into a bar and yells, "SHIT THAT HURT!!!!"

[Jericho]

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
The police arrived and arrested me.

...Apparently, they use actors on the show!

[martin48]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

[martin48]

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
The police arrived and arrested me.

...Apparently, they use actors on the show!


Were you in B and Q a few jokes back? And now Tesco's. Exciting life

[GroobySteven]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

Excellent.

[Prospero]

Some jokes only really work when told out loud.

Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says - well you might be okay. But tell me do you know the difference between certain things we use commonly here - like a joist or a girder?

Oh sure says Paddy..



Goethe wrote Faust and joyce wrote Ulysses.

[cycleman]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagiano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five very good leads.'

[martin48]

An Englishman on the outskirts of Dublin stops a local and asks "What's the faster way to the city centre?"

"Ah, will you be walking or going by car?"

"By car."

"Oh, that'll be the fastest"

So logical





Some jokes only really work when told out loud.

Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says - well you might be okay. But tell me do you know the difference between certain things we use commonly here - like a joist or a girder?

Oh sure says Paddy..



Goethe wrote Faust and joyce wrote Ulysses.

[Prospero]

A man with a backpack is hiking in the country near Gloucester.

He sees a local leaning on a gate and asks, how long will it take me to get to Gloucester.

The local says "walk"

"Hmmm," thinks the walker. "yes but how will it take me please."

The local replies again: "Walk."

Frustrated, the walker sets off, assuming he has met a simpleton.

As he walks off down the lane the local yells "About two hours."

The hiker returns and asks:"Why couldn't you say that before?"

The local replies: "Because I didn't know how long it would take until i saw how fast you walk."

[Jericho]

Female aliens are kidnapping men with big cocks this Easter.
obviously your not in any danger but I'm just posting this on here to let you know how awesome the spaceship is!

[Jericho]

So, Katie Price is pregnant again.
I think it's great news; Harvey is going to have another little brother or sister to bump into.

[Jericho]

Don't forget Comic Relief this year.
Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend!

[GroobySteven]

Don't forget Comic Relief this year.
Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend!


Fucking hell ... hahahhaha.

[Jericho]

The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of knobs, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

[Jericho]

What's blue and fucks trannys?
Me in my lucky blue suit...It's too warm for an anorak!

[robertlouis]

Some jokes only really work when told out loud.

Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says - well you might be okay. But tell me do you know the difference between certain things we use commonly here - like a joist or a girder?

Oh sure says Paddy..



Goethe wrote Faust and joyce wrote Ulysses.

That joke also destroys the myth that the Irish are thick. I've seen people come to blows over such questions as how many islands there are in the Arctic Archipelago.

But fighting? No, that's not a myth.

[Jericho]

"Oh God," I moaned. "I think I'm going to explode any second!"
"On my tits!" she whispered. "Do it on my tits!"
"Really? You sure?"
"Yes! Quickly! For me!"
"Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."

Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.

[Jericho]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

'You disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!'

The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began: 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defence less that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me she hadn't eaten in three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you were afraid you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.

'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and, while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please . . . Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' !

[Jericho]

In 1872 the Scottish invented the condom using a sheeps bladder, however in 1873 the English refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

[Jericho]

I think we are all coming to terms with the hot air balloon crash that happened in Egypt.
Although some victims are still in denile

[timid1]

The fastest way to make a woman completely lose her fucking mind? Tell her to calm down during an argument.

What's big and taste's like penis? My secretary's work bonus.

Girl: What color are my eyes? Me: 34C.

Blow jobs are like flowers for men.

Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty fucking awesome.

How To Give A Great Hand-Job .... Step 1: Use your mouth.

What's the definition of eternity? The time between when you cum and when she leaves. ........ just a few from Twitter :D

[Jericho]

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.

[Jericho]

I've completely given up on women and sex.
Fed up with the excuses they give. 'i'm washing my hair', 'i have a headache', 'i'm too tired', 'i'm your sister!'

[robertlouis]

You know that you've really pissed off the barmaid when the bloody mary you ordered has a string coming out of it.....

I know it's bad.

[Jericho]

Our lass had a job interview for a camera store the other day.
Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."
So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

[Jericho]

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex.
Last night for example, i shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nein nein!"
My best score yet!

[Jericho]

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
One's an Australian marsupial, the other's a Geordie trapped in a lift!

[Prospero]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day ...but I couldn’t find any.

I got a compliment on my parking the other day. I found a note on the windscreen saying "Parking Fine"

[maxpower]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?



Fo' drizzle.







(Thank you...thank you very much.)

[cycleman]

Q: What do you call a room full of dead people in South Africa?

A: A suprise birthday party for Oscar Pistorius

[Jericho]

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Dave".
"Dave who?"
Dave holds back the tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

[Jericho]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a twelve-year-old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me, son, but is your mum or dad in?"
The kid replied, "Does it fucking look like it?"

[EvaCassini]

How do you keep a tranny admirer in suspense?

[Jericho]

Iain Duncan-Smith: In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.
I think he's referring to Buckingham Palace!

[Jericho]

Dave, a member of the National Front is in a car crash.
When he comes round the doc says: "Dave, there's good news and bad news".
Dave asks, "whats the bad news"?
The doc says, "You lost a lot of blood so we had to give you 2 pints of Asian blood and 2 pints of African blood".
Dave says, "For Fucksake!!!...O.K, Whats the good news"?
Docs says, "your cock's 4 inches longer and you're top of the housing list"!

[martin48]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[Jericho]

A lady in labour was shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

[Jericho]

My porn star mate passed away recently.
As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

[shermanwt]

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it.

[Jericho]

I'm only a few inches away from having a gigantic cock...I thought to myself as I stood naked in the prison showers.

[Jericho]

I took my Chinese girlfriend to the airport two weeks ago, she was going on a girls "beach" holiday, no partying or anything like that, she said.

I picked her up today, something wasn't right, she didn't say a word.
We got back to my flat, she still hadn't spoken.
Then when I had to almost force her to have sex later, she burst out crying.

How was I supposed to know it wasn't my girlfriend?

[MdR Dave]

A lady in labour was shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

If I could, I'd create 4 or 5 other id's and gangbang the thumbs-up button on this one.

Fuck, now I gotta get someone pregnant. . .

[Jericho]

Paddy's wife said she wanted a Rape Alarm for her birthday.
Morning came on the big day, Paddy covered her mouth, held her down and fucked her up the Arse, shouting..."WAKE UP, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY"!

[Jericho]

Two middle aged Jewish ladies were walking down the street.
One says: "You know, I'm having an affair."
The other responds: "Really? Who's doing the catering?"

[Prospero]

When I was a kid, I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed.

They're no laughing now.

[Prospero]

When I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian when i grew up, they said "You have got to be joking."

I said no.

[Jericho]

After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday, I think there are three things you should know....
First, her fanny is tight as fuck, a real struggle to get in,
Secondly, she takes it over her face without complaint (good girl)!
&
Thirdly, the staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable fuckers with no sense of humour!

[Jericho]

I knocked on my neighbor's door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."
"Sure," she replied.
I said, "Great! Get your knickers off then."

[Jericho]

Our Lass asked me if i had a secret pet name for her.
Judging by the look on her face, 'Sperm Whale' was not the appropriate answer!

[buttslinger]

The Private Detective phoned Mickey:
"Mr. Mouse, I'm a bit confused.....I tailed Minnie for three days, and I have to tell you, it's pretty obvious she's as sane as you or I"
"Sane? " replied Mickey, ".....I didn't say she was crazy, ...I said she was fuckin' Goofy!!!"

[Jericho]

Our Lass just swallowed for the first time in 10 years.
I hope it's not a sign she's coming out of the coma!

[Tits McButts]

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick. Put it on my bill!" but the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, ducks cannot speak. This hallucination must have been punishment for a horrible misdeed.
The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck -- slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he needed chapstick anyway since he has no lips.

[Tits McButts]

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says "Every time I look in the mirror my dick gets hard. Doctor, why is that?". The doctor replies "Your dick knows a pussy when it sees one".

[buttslinger]

His wife cornered him as he came in the house, well past midnight-
"Where have you been??!!??"
Well, Honey, I can't lie to you. I went to the market after dinner to pick up the milk like you said, and there in the store I met a woman and when our eyes met....it was like a trance...Almost without a word, we bought a bottle of wine, drove to the motel, and we've been making mad passionate love for these last few hours....I'm sorry, all I can say is that out hearts have a mind of their own......"
"You Bastard!!!" she exclaimed "You've been bowling again!!!!"

[Jericho]

A little boy asks his mum,"Mummy, why am I black and you're white?"
She replies, "Don't even ask...When I think back to that party, your fucking lucky you don't bark"!!!

[Jericho]

I took Our Lass to a disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
Our Lass said "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down".
I said, "looks like he's still fucking celebrating"!

[luvs2lick1385]

A husband and wife are in bed watching TV. The husband gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He comes back a few minutes later and hands his wife 2 aspirins and a glass of water. The wife asks " What are you doing? I don't have a headache" Her husband says "Great, Lets fuck"

[martin48]

When I was a kid, I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed.

They're no laughing now.

Stealing Bob Monkhouse jokes!



I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.




I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.




I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.





I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.


My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."

[Jericho]

Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party.
He turned up with Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter.
The Host said, "you deaf cunt, I said bring a pair of speedos"!

[Jericho]

A 6 old boy caught a priest having a wank.
He said "what are you doing father"?
"It's called masturbation " replied the priest, "You'll be doing it soon".
"why, Father"?, asked the boy.
"Because my arm's killing me"!

[Jericho]

I asked our lass for a little oral relief last night.
"you want me to suck you off?" she asked
"No" I said " just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes"!

[robertlouis]

I asked our lass for a little oral relief last night.
"you want me to suck you off?" she asked
"No" I said " just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes"!

You are Les Dawson's bluer brother and I claim my £5.

[Prospero]

Visual...

[Jericho]

You are Les Dawson's bluer brother and I claim my £5.


Which reminds me...

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The Dad confused, asks him "before or after sex?"
The kid says "Ummm, before sex",
So the dad says to him "Well have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red pettles."
"yeah", says the son.
"That's a pussy, before sex".
"Well, what about after sex"? he asks.
His dad replies "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"?

[Jericho]

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt! :shrug

[SammiValentine]

A night out in wigan

[martin48]

... and second prize is two nights out in Wigan.

[Jericho]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather' : Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite

[robertlouis]

A night out in wigan

Depends on the quality of the pie....

[Jericho]

I'm not saying our lass needs a pube trimmer, but when she gets an erection it looks like Pinocchio's joined the Taliban!

[Jericho]

Dig deep, it's for charity.
Poor Abdul has to walk 7 miles a day, just for dirty water that could kill him.
He hops 7 miles with one leg, and no shoe, carry a bucket on his head, in the scorching heat.
With your donation of just 2 pounds, we'll send you a video, its hilarious!

[Jericho]

What's a catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common ?
They've both got a black coat and white collar and god help your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[spunktrumpet]

I just bought the brand new Indian version of Cluedo.
They all did it, in the bus, with a teenage girl.

[Jericho]

Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children...
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.! :shrug

[Jericho]

Our Lass used to say she wished I could be more like her father.
She soon changed her tune when she got home from work one day and caught me fucking her mum!

[ts_curious]

A man and woman are lying in bed, the man turns to the woman and said, "do you want to play a rape game?"
the woman responded "NO!"
the man replied "Thats the spirit!"