Any jokes?

[Jericho]

ConDem Cunts!

[Jericho]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each others clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

[Jericho]

I was asked to run a marathon for charity and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Fuck it, I could win that'!

[spunktrumpet]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[Jericho]

I like to soak my hand in warm water for an hour before a wank.
Makes it feel like my grans doing it!

[Jericho]

Jesus dies and they call it 'Good Friday'.
It's a bit like when my mother-in-law passed away. That was a 'Fucking Fantastic Monday'!

[Prospero]

Where can I buy the complete Les Dawson book of jokes Jericho... or can i borrow your well thumbed copy?

[Jericho]

Where can I buy the complete Les Dawson book of jokes Jericho... or can i borrow your well thumbed copy?


Behind yer ear!

Les Dawson - Cissie & Ada - The Art Gallery - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foInKEjLsM4)

[Dino Velvet]

What happens when a Mexican comes into money?
He becomes Spanish.

[buttslinger]

What do you name a girl born with one leg shorter than the other?
Eilene.
What do you name a Japanese girl born with one leg shorter thanh the other?
Irene.

[Jericho]

"Your Only Fools and Horses obsession is ruining my life," the wife screamed at me."I want you out of this fucking house now."
"Ok," I replied."I'll fetch me suitcase from the van!"

[Jericho]

My girlfriend threw me out because she caught me measuring my cock!
I mean, how petty is that...?
Anyway, turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat!

[Jericho]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to drag him there by the ears"!

[buttslinger]

The Preacher asked his Congregation which of them knew the difference between knowing...and believing.
The short thin man stood up, his attractive wife and their ten children took up the entire third row pew.
"Well, Pastor", he replied "These ten kids here....now, I know they're hers.....and I believe they're mine...."

[Jericho]

My mate Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sexy busty 19 year old blonde.
He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”
She said “I’m not pregnant”
Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not fucking rescued yet either”!

[Jericho]

I had a knock on the door last night, two policeman.
One said, "I'm afraid i have some bad news for you about your wife.
Looks like she's been run over by a bus".
I said, "Well, I know she's no looker, but she takes it up the arse like a champ"!

[Jericho]

A girl's crawling across the floor with spunk dribbling equally from arse and mouth.
what does this tell us?
...The floor's level!

[Jericho]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kitten?
A: A dead kitten with a 18 inch asshole

[Jericho]

2 blokes are sat in a pub when one goes to order a drink from the bar. The bloke notices the barmaid has massive boobs and says "2 pints of tits, I MEAN lager please hun!"

On returning to the table he turns to his mate and says " here Ive just had one of them Freudian slips, you know, when you say what your thinking about instead of what you actually wanted to say!!!! I asked for two pints of tits instead of lager!!!!"

A few days later they meet in the pub again and the second bloke turns to his mate and says "I had one of them slips this morning!!!"

"what happened" says his mate

"I meant to ask my wife to pass the butter at breakfast....."

"yeah, go on...."

"Instead I said YOU RUINED MY FUCKIN LIFE YOU BITCH!!!!!"

[Jericho]

My mate just got an new "intuitive" car stereo.
He said "soul" and got James Brown.
He said "rap" and got Snoop Dogg.
Ae said "rock" and got the Darkness.
All of a sudden a little lad ran out in front of the road.
My mate shouted "Fucking kids" and got Gary Glitter!

[Jericho]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said : 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all
drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter, and anything French'!

[Jericho]

Simon Weston is arranging a reunion for all military burns victims.
Full details can be found on the website...Friends-reignited.

[maxpower]

Alright, here is the most vulgar joke that I know. I apologize in advance.


How did the hillbilly mother know that her daughter was having her period?



She could taste the blood on her son's dick.

[MdR Dave]

OK, Max Power- I'm an Appalachian-American. I don't think you know what you've just done.


How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his maw in the jaw.

[leomonster]

Q: What do you call a slut with a runny nose?
A: Full

Q; Waht are a Rednecks last words?
A: hey guys, watch this!!!
Q: what are his best friends last words?
A: Oh yeah, I can do that.

Verndeen: Cletus I dont wantyou kissing me all passionatley like that in front of my maw and paw!!!
Cletus: Now Verndeen, They's is My parents too.

[Jericho]

Talking of Hillbillys..........

Definitions:
Relative Humidity = sweat on your balls when you're humping your sister.

[Jericho]

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually, they fuck off and its a really nice day!

[Jericho]

Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.

[MdR Dave]

Does anyone remember the "dead baby" jokes that went around in the 80s?

I'm not posting them. . .

http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/

[Jericho]

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 Idiot is reading this joke.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

[Jericho]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man says "I'll have the soup"!

[Jericho]

David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence.

It starts, "I regret to inform you that due to recent events, you now have too many bedrooms..."

[Jericho]

When our lass went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed,took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn’t hurt.
Which made me laugh, because that’s exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

[robertlouis]

Your new avatar - the late, great Leonard Rossiter.

Rigsby vs Reggie Perrin. Discuss.

[Jericho]

Rigsby vs Reggie Perrin. Discuss.

Rigsby.

As much as I liked Reggie Perrin, it was only the second series of Rise and Fall that really worked for me.

Rising Damp just worked throughout.
Plus, Perrin lacked Rigsbys compassion and underlying kindness (albeit well hidden).

[Jericho]

An old girl was in front of the judge, accused of shoplifting.
When told that she'd stolen a tin of peaches, the Judge asked her how many peaches had been in the tin.
"Six" She replied.
"In that case" Said the Judge, "I sentence you to six days in prison".
At which point, her husband jumped up and said, "Hold on a minute, she stole a tin of peas too"!

[ImpulZ]

just a funny vid...i see no section for that so i posted it here :D

How Animals Eat Their Food - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnydFmqHuVo)

[Jericho]

My 10-year old daughter dropped a bomb at Sunday dinner:

"I'm not a virgin any more ..."

I turn to the wife: "That's your fault, you slut! Always flirting with other men, commenting on all the well-built men on telly, swearing like a trooper!"

I turn to my 17-year-old daughter: "And you, you're to blame as well! You shag any bloke with a dick, right in front of your little sister. Don't think I don't know about all the sex toys in the drawer of your bedside table!"

The wife turns to me: "Shut the fuck up! You spend half your wages on whores, groping them just before you come in the front door even if our wee daughter is watching. Since we got a DVD player, all you watch is porn! Even when our daughter's in the room! And I won't even mention the fucking PC and internet. Then there's your secretary who calls up and speaks to our daughter right after sucking your dick in the office ..."

The wife turns to our 10-year-old: "How could that happen, darling? Did someone seduce you, some boy at school?"

"No, Mum," she says. "The teacher just changed the cast in our Easter play. I'm not a virgin any more, just someone who cries near Jesus on the cross.

[GroobySteven]

just a funny vid...
What part of it was funny? :soapbox

[Jericho]

Bought myself some new aftershave, smells like bread crumbs......... Birds love it! :shrug

[Jericho]

It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success. :shrug

[Jericho]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
...And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Jericho]

I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that"!

[Jericho]

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL !!!

A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

[Jericho]

The man arrested for keeping three girls captive in his basement for over a decade has been named as 52 year old Ariel Castro.

I don't remember his showbiz career at the BBC!

[rudeboy921]

Q: What's green, and only comes out in the Spring?
A: Patio furniture!

[Jericho]

I asked our lass what women really want and she said a tent of lovers!
(At least, I think that's what she said, i wasn't really listening).

[danthepoetman]

This?

[nysprod]

Chaser to tranny: Spell "me"

Tranny: Ok, "M-E"

Chaser: You forgot the "d"

Tranny: There's no "d" in "me"

Chaser: Not yet!

[Jericho]

First of all Thatcher Die's, Then Ferguson retires.
Somewhere, there's a Scouser with a Lamp and one wish left...!

[MacShreach]

First of all Thatcher Die's, Then Ferguson retires.
Somewhere, there's a Scouser with a Lamp and one wish left...!
har har that was droll:cheers:

[Jericho]

Bill Roach, Stuart Hall, Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris, Freddie Starr and Jim Davidson.
Fucking hell, the Prison Panto's going to be a good one this year!

[Jericho]

I've got a little tub that I keep my drugs in.
No copper's going to anally search an eight year old fat kid.

[buttslinger]

The hunter was mauled by the bear, he said a prayer
"Lord, please let this bear be Catholic"
He glanced over to see the bear on his knees
"Lord, thank you for this which we are about to receive"

[Prospero]

Two hunters in a wood come across a grizzly bear that begins to lumber towards them, baring its teeth and gathering speed.

The first says" Run for it."

The second responds: "But we'll never out run a bear."

The first replies. "No but i will out run you."

[Cecil Rhodes]

Why are you looking for jokes here ? The joke is in your hand .

[robertlouis]

first of all thatcher die's, then ferguson retires.
somewhere, there's a scouser with a lamp and one wish left...!


sammmiiiiii !

[danthepoetman]

....

[Jericho]

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle!

[Jericho]

Little Abdul, "but please miss, you said we could bring something in to school to remind us of our religion. Charlie has his crucifix, Kato has his model buddah, Isaac has his prayer book. I don't understand".

"Yes I did Abdul, but your ticking rucksack is frightening the other children".

[buttslinger]

The slow-witted tourist walked to the riverside where he met a local yokel standing under a sign which read "Boat Tour $5"
Soon a man appeared, took their five dollars, and proceeded to knock them in the head and throw them in the river.
A few miles downstream the tourist came to and saw the yokel floating a few yards away.
"Say, do they serve lunch on this tour?"
I don't think so" replied the yokel "they didn't last year"

[danthepoetman]

Love your new avatar, Buttslinger!

[buttslinger]

Love your new avatar, Buttslinger!

As Eddie Haskell would say "that's a nice dress, Mrs Cleaver"

[danthepoetman]

:) ...

[Jericho]

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.
Thick and difficult to work with! :shrug

[Jericho]

I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife"
Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

[Jericho]

CLAIM CLAIM CLAIM!
Were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties?
Did Jim fix it for you?
Where you one of Rolf's two little boys?
Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster's garage?
Remember where there's a stain, there's a claim!
Simply text MYARSEISSTILLSORE ... To 81300

[Jericho]

I had a phone call from the school today.
They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are Cunts' in giant letters across the playground."
"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."
"Well, he did." she replied, "I watched him do it".

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner"! :shrug

[Jericho]

I think I'm becoming religious.
I'm sitting indoors waiting to be offended by something! :shrug

[buttslinger]

Here's one Jericho won't get cause it's American.

What has a million legs and can't walk?
Jerry's kids......

[Jericho]

Here's one Jericho won't get cause it's American.

What has a million legs and can't walk?
Jerry's kids......


That's one possible reason...Won't go into the rest! :whistle:

[Jericho]

After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife.

We can't fly together anymore if his eyesight's that fucked.

[Jericho]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!

[praetorian]

why are there no television sets in Afghanistan?

because of the telly ban.

[Jericho]

Prince Philip has fallen unwell on the eve of a service marking the Queen's 60 years on the throne.
A spokesman said," It was not due to throat cancer".....

[Jericho]

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse.
I asked, "how do you tell them apart?"
He said "oh that's easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a mustache and big bollocks"

[Jericho]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes...On all of their allies...Just in case!

[Jericho]

"Take me to your dealer." Said the alien to the first person he met.
"Don't you mean, leader?" He replied.
"This is Liverpool, I know what I mean!" said the alien.

[danthepoetman]

What era was it, Jericho? Maybe he was talking about remedy makers...

[Lovecox]

christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!

freakin' hilarious! Love it!!

[fred41]

I enjoy the classics:

What's green and flies over Poland?









...Peter Panski.



Ha Ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha ha ha...ha..*cough* *cough*..haha...haaaaaaaa!..still funny.

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

....

[tsadriana]

:mad::salad

[buttslinger]

Salma, Lindsay Lohan, Steve Buscemi

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

.......

[youngblood61]

Good stuff Dan!:)

[danthepoetman]

Thanks, Youngblood!

A guys goes to a psychiatrist because he thinks he's a dog. He goes there on all four, barking, etc. So the first thing the shrink tells him is: "Hey! you pooch, get off the couch!"

[Cecil Rhodes]

Juneteenth

[danthepoetman]

.......

[Jericho]

At the pub, Dave orders 10 pints of lager. An hour later, he orders 10 more.
What does he have?
A wife and 4 fucking kids.

[Jericho]

I gazed into her eyes...My heart was pounding...Lips trembling, unable to speak.
Sweat forming on my brow.
She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget..."That's him Officer"

[sukumvit boy]

....
:dancing: They are all good ,Dan , but I especially like the Einstein quote juxtaposed with the cell phone people . Brilliant!

[sukumvit boy]

^%$#@

[danthepoetman]

:dancing: They are all good ,Dan , but I especially like the Einstein quote juxtaposed with the cell phone people . Brilliant!
Thanks, my friend. Yes, the Einstein quote seems quite prophetic in the context... :)

[danthepoetman]

.................

[danthepoetman]

......

[danthepoetman]

............................

[buttslinger]

The man approached the window at the city hall of records......
"I'd like to change my name"
Very well, ..and what is your current name?"
"Joe Shit"
"Well, I can certainly understand how that could be troublesome.....and, what would you like your new name to be?"
"Jack"

[danthepoetman]

.........................................

[Jericho]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Jericho]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[buttslinger]

AT&T new commercial casts - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFoNS-iAnLo)

[danthepoetman]

:party:

[danthepoetman]

....

[robertlouis]

....

We don't get many political jokes here; that's a great one, Dan.

[danthepoetman]

We don't get many political jokes here; that's a great one, Dan.
Yes. I wondered if I shouldn't put it on a political thread, but in the end, this one touches every one in every way... :)

[kdrob07]

The big bad Wolf snarls at Red: "pull up your blouse, I wanna suck on your titties" !
Red replies indignantly " Fuck you!! " as she pulls down her panties, "You EAT me like the book says" !!!

[danthepoetman]

Love it, Kdrob!! ;)

[ImpulZ]

http://i42.tinypic.com/rumzqd.jpg

[danthepoetman]

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!
Great one, ImpulZ!

[danthepoetman]

Guys, take notes...

[danthepoetman]

:party:

[Lovecox]

kinda cute

[Jericho]

Guys, take notes...


That'd be funny if it wasn't true! :hide-1:

[buttslinger]

gotta have cats, gotta have cats

[Cedricbi01]

simple & stupid one

[Cecil Rhodes]

Edward Snowden just crossed the US/Mexican Border into Arizona unlawfully . Now the Feds will never find him .

[Cecil Rhodes]

Knock ..... Knock .... !!!!!!!!!!

[danthepoetman]

Amazing!

[danthepoetman]

.........

[Cecil Rhodes]

And then i woke up .........

BTO - Takin' Care Of Business (A Sexier Version)! - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9-R9S1m4dA&feature=player_detailpage)

[danthepoetman]

....

[Cedricbi01]

I rellay like the "old picture of you" !

[danthepoetman]

Nice ones, Cedric!

[dderek123]

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

[danthepoetman]

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Ouch! :lol:

By the way, these are not exactly jokes, but I have a few good images of the Queen, since we're on the subject of royalty.

[danthepoetman]

And oh! this one: try to guess what the queen just said to her prime minister, and is translated for deaf people...

[Jericho]

And oh! this one: try to guess what the queen just said to her prime minister, and is translated for deaf people...


Fukkin Asians! :hide-1:

[buttslinger]

While the Queens away.....

the boys will play

[Jericho]

My new cell mate said, "What are you in for?"
I said, "Stealing from a shop."
He said, "How long did you get?"
I said, "Fifteen years."
He said, "Fucking hell, that's a bit steep. What did you try to steal?"
I said, "A baby from Mothercare"! :shrug

[Jericho]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a necrophiliac and a pyromaniac were all sitting at a mental-institution, bored out of their minds.
Then the zoophile suggests "How about we rape a cat?" to which the sadist says "How about we rape a cat and torture it afterwards?".
The murderer thinks about it, and says "Let's rape a cat, torture it and then kill it".
The necrophiliac says "let's rape a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again".
"Let's rape a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then set it on fire!" Says the pyromaniac.
Silence takes over and they all turn to look at the masochist who says... "Meow"!

[danthepoetman]

This one I dedicate to Trish...

[danthepoetman]

For biology geeks only.

[trish]

Three mathematicians go into a bar. Each orders a beer. After they've been duly emptied, the bartenders asks, "Any of you guys want another beer?"
The first mathematician shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know."
The second mathematician looks at the bartender and says, "I don't know either."
The third mathematician says, "Nope."

[trish]

The name for a very very small group of crows is ....

[danthepoetman]

LOL! Here's a cute one!

[Jericho]

When Ernie came home with the news that he'd gotten laid for the
first time, his mother was less than pleased.

Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room without
any supper.

When Ernie's father got home and heard the news, he went up to see
his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you
learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son.
"Next time I use lube... my ass is killing me!"

[buttslinger]

Johnnie's Mother had three children-
The oldest was named Nicholas.
The middle child was named Penny.
What was the youngest named?

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

.....

[martin48]

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...

[danthepoetman]

did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
lol!!

[Cedricbi01]

easy one...

[martin48]

few more

[danthepoetman]

few more
First and third: lovely. But second one: :frustrated ;Martin!!! lol

Nice one too, Cedric!

[Jericho]

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. “

Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”

He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”

He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”

St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!”

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”

Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”

[bzzzay]

Knock knock. Who's there? George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman who? Alright, you're on the jury.

[danthepoetman]

Lol! Great one, Jericho!

[Jericho]

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching"!

[danthepoetman]

The horror! the horror! ... Jericho.

Here's one to the respect of God...

[martin48]

Looking at the guy, I don't imagine he saw the joke

[danthepoetman]

O Irony! For some reason, Martin, it reminded me of this one...

[buttslinger]

`````

[martin48]

A joke in a relative sort of way

[danthepoetman]

A joke in a relative sort of way
A physic's geek one. And a great one, Martin!

[Jericho]

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" blooper - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRsaExGcx5A)

[Cedricbi01]

youth... :(

[danthepoetman]

....

[MacShreach]

`````


Fuck I might be gay...I just looked at your avatar and thought, 'oh look, that's a Ducati Monza....':hide-1:

[buttslinger]

Fuck I might be gay...I just looked at your avatar and thought, 'oh look, that's a Ducati Monza....'

I don't have a joke for that one.

[cheesenuts]

THE SENSUOUS WIFE




"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her
panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.



"Well.....go look in the garage..."

[martin48]

.....

[Cedricbi01]

....

[danthepoetman]

Brits and Americans.... ?
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1002822_396897817088699_874178955_n.jpg

[MacShreach]

I don't have a joke for that one.
One thing is for sure, she'll have trouble walking after a ride on that!

[danthepoetman]

Dicks...

[danthepoetman]

Signs...

[buttslinger]

No matter where I go, it seems like I always end up in this old town......

[Lovecox]

this is the kind of stuff I throw together when I'm bored.

[Cedricbi01]

I love your signs Poetman !
Here's a nice and gentle T-Shirt invitation...

[hippifried]

So I'm fuckin' this hamster in the ass, & he says: "If you'd been just that much bigger, it might'a hurt."

[buttslinger]

The skinny farmboy rube felt a bit out of his depth as he sat on the side of the New Orleans Harlot's frilly bed.....
As she lay across his lap dressed only in a tightly laced corset,
she arched her back a bit to expose her fleshy pink buttocks to him.....
"hit me with the brush, hit me with the brush" she cooed.
The rube looked a bit perplexed, then he made his move......
CONK!!!!!!!

[Jericho]

I met a beautiful woman down by the lake today.
There was this instant spark between us as she fell at my feet.
As we were rolling round on the floor making love, I thought to myself, "Fucking hell, these tazers are well worth the money"!

[Cedricbi01]

"Fucking hell, these tazers are well worth the money"
Excellent Jericho - The kind I like !
I couldn't resist posting this one !

[danthepoetman]

.....

[Jericho]

................

[Jericho]

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[Cedricbi01]

I like the CIA stealing the penis... - Thx Danthepoetman !
Now : A nice public sign and the best alarm clock ever !

[Jericho]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Cedricbi01]

Excellent Jéricho ! I love this one !
I'll push it through around me

[Prospero]

what do you call it when two crows try unsuccessfully to settle on a branch of a tree?

An attempted murder.

[danthepoetman]

....

[Cedricbi01]

Some good... (#1 and #2 ) and some less good...
Last one is to be related to the "new" thread about strapon... :ignore:

[Cedricbi01]

This sign is awsome ! I can't beleive it's true !

[buttslinger]

Asiana Pilot Name Prank - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6zCZFwHeLg)

[Cedricbi01]

I guess everybody know this one... but it still makes me smile :)

[danthepoetman]

.....

[Cedricbi01]

Dan, I love the Zombie chicken ! Great !
Some more !

I prefer #2...

[Cedricbi01]

Just a last one ?

[Jericho]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013!

[Jericho]

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight-Watchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fucking fat cows."
"What was that?" snapped my wife.
"You herd"!

[MacShreach]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013!

gosh Jezz, i had no idea you were so good looking...

[robertlouis]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013!



As I believe I said on another thread, cunt.

Meanwhile, Miss Wales.

[Jericho]

Oh look! :whistle:

[Cedricbi01]

Gosh ! I didn't know Haggis was still wild these days !
I'd love to see Haggis hunters...
Nice one Jéricho !:wiggle:

[Jericho]

So, Detroit is bankrupt and the unpaid police officers are considering going on strike.
In other news, OCP have built a robot police officer....

[buttmunch]

A man walks into a bar and sees his friends.
he walks over and they start talking and laughing
the man walks up to the bartender and says
I ll bet you I can stand right here and piss into that glass way over there and not spill a drop
the bartender says that's a bet that has to be 25 feet away
the man says ok hows 100 bucks bartender says its a bet
the man stands up and pisses everywhere laughing the entire time
the bartender says why are you laughing you just lost a 100 bucks
the man says its ok I just bet my friends 1000 bucks you would let me piss all over your bar

[robertlouis]

Oh look! :whistle:

Seriously.

I bought two of their haggis from the shop last time I was in Scotland. They're in Sanquhar in the borders.

Bloody good haggis it was too, had it on Burns Night.

[Jericho]

jack and jill,had sex too you know,xx

[Ananke]

Seriously.

I bought two of their haggis from the shop last time I was in Scotland. They're in Sanquhar in the borders.

Bloody good haggis it was too, had it on Burns Night.
French joke:
A guy says he tried haggis when in Scotland.
When back home, he tells to his mate: when I saw the thing it looked like shit....but when I tasted it, I realize it WAS shit.
Don't blame me for the joke, blame the french..:thumbsdown

[robertlouis]

French joke:
A guy says he tried haggis when in Scotland.
When back home, he tells to his mate: when I saw the thing it looked like shit....but when I tasted it, I realize it WAS shit.
Don't blame me for the joke, blame the french..:thumbsdown

The French eat chicken gizzards, frogs legs, and consume ortolans whole while hiding under a napkin. :puke

Fuck 'em.

[Jericho]

Bloody good haggis it was too, had it on Burns Night.

Next time you're up there, get one for me. I do enjoy a good haggis.
Tho, last haggis i had was deep fried...In Blackpool...Not a triumph!!!



jack and jill,had sex too you know,xx

Oi Nubbins, post on yer own account...Witch!

[Jericho]

A man walks into a bar and sees his friends.
he walks over and they start talking and laughing
the man walks up to the bartender and says
I ll bet you I can stand right here and piss into that glass way over there and not spill a drop
the bartender says that's a bet that has to be 25 feet away
the man says ok hows 100 bucks bartender says its a bet
the man stands up and pisses everywhere laughing the entire time
the bartender says why are you laughing you just lost a 100 bucks
the man says its ok I just bet my friends 1000 bucks you would let me piss all over your bar


Steve Buscemi told it better, but... :shrug

[Cedricbi01]

Image joke ? Just for the fun...

[Jericho]

My girlfriend has left me a note:
"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."
Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic.
And I can't help it if I have big toes.

[Jericho]

My mate just walked in on me licking his mum out.
I was that embarrassed I almost dropped the urn!

[TempestTS]

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

[Jericho]

As I came up the stairs last night I thought;
"This step fetish of mine is getting out of hand"!

[Jericho]

Felt shit this morning.
That's the last time I buy Tesco value toilet roll!

[Jericho]

Steve Buscemi told it better, but... :shrug

Actually, it wasn't Steve Buscemi, was it. It was Tarantino!
That'll teach me not to try and be a smartarse! :hide-1:

[Jericho]

I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife.
"What colour hair did it have?", I asked.
"None at all, completely bald," he replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest I've ever seen," he added.
I said, "Now lets talk about the baby"!

[Jericho]

I wonder how much maternity leave Kate Middleton will take before she goes back to doing nothing?

[Cedricbi01]

Well, she not only doing nothing but also late in delivering apparently!

[Jericho]

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."
She said, "Fuck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not"!

[Jericho]

I've not seen this many pictures of a baby since I fixed Gary Glitter's computer!

[dderek123]

We've had plenty of butthurt around here lately.

http://media.tumblr.com/6d1b3b827061546e5cd8c72234a15872/tumblr_inline_moq2rdAL2S1r5d6kl.jpg

[Jericho]

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.
How to walk, how to talk, How to feed herself...How to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again!

[Jericho]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... Your wife's really ugly"!

[Cuchulain]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[martin48]

Three fathers in a bar were discussing their teenage daughters. The first said that he went into her room – total mess so he decided to tidy it up.
“I discovered bottles of liquor at the back of the closet!”
“That’s shocking”, said the other two.
“Yeap, I didn’t even know she drunk.”
“That’s nothing,” said the second father. “I went into my daughter’s room to look for something, and discovered packets of cigarettes hidden in the cupboard.” The others looked shocked.
“I know. I didn’t know she smoked!”
The third father then related how he went into his daughter’s room and discovered at the back of some drawers – packets of rubbers.
“Oh dear!!” said the others.

“Sure is! I didn’t even know that she had a dick!”

[martin48]

A guy starts chatting up a woman in a bar and he mentions that his wife left him because he was too kinky.
The woman replies that her ex-husband did the same and perhaps he should come back to her place. He readily accepts.
Once in the apartment, she announces that she’s going to change into something “more suitable”.
She disappears into the bedroom and spends quite time putting on her leathers, chains and boots. Clutching her whip, she goes back into the room. Only to see the guy about to leave.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well, a shit in your handbag and fucked the dog. So I’m off now!”

[Cedricbi01]

I like image jokes... even non-politically correct !! :hide-1:

[Jericho]

I came out of the pub toilets absolutely soaked.
Everyone looked at me so I said 'It's these new fucking glasses!'
They all looked puzzled so I explained - 'They're bifocals. I was having a piss and looked down, I could see two cocks and, well, I knew the big one wasn't mine so I put it back in my trousers...'

[Jericho]

I was pulling my boxers off in the bedroom last night, when the wife walked in.
"You spoil those dogs", she said.

[Cedricbi01]

Small one I could have saved for Xmas... but made me smile !

[VictoriaVeil]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bshCuWDsCPM/ULEJr5khUOI/AAAAAAAADK8/jztrE08kRoc/s1600/530965_266403223483224_503485080_n%5B1%5D.jpg

[Jericho]

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."
No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.

[Jericho]

My wife got home from work and was livid, "What the fuck have you done all day? No tea ready, the house is a pigsty, clothes are all over the place and you are still in your pajamas."

"I just thought I would do what you used to do all day when you weren't working," I shouted back at her.

"So, how was the milkman's cock, then?" she snapped back.

[littlenookie]

Steve: Hey Paul what are your plans this weekend?"
Paul: Oh, going up to the mountains for a big party.
Steve: Sounds fun, what do you do up there?
Paul: Oh it's great, first we do some fishing in the afternoon, then we play some cards, have a great big cookout, get stinking drunk and then there's a ton of sex. Lots of sex, that's the big thing up there.
Steve: Wow, sounds awesome. Can I come?
Paul: Sure.
Steve: So who's going?
Paul: Me and you.

[Jericho]

Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pakistani on top of the Eiffel Tower.
The American throws a load of money off the top
"Why did you do that" Ask the others.
"We have so much money in the states I can afford to do it" says the American.
"Ok" says the Frenchman, and throws a bottle of Champagne off the top, saying "We have so much Champagne in France I can afford to do it".
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says, "Don't you fucking dare"!

[Jericho]

1813 Women have no rights.
1913 Women fight for some rights.
2013 Women are always fucking right.

[dderek123]

http://i.imgur.com/H2GJTSZ.jpg

[Jericho]

I woke up this morning, turned to my wife and said "I had an erotic dream last night and you were in it."
She giggled and said "Was I a naughty girl then?"

I said, "No, you caught me shagging your sister."

[Jericho]

I burped loudly as I was waking up this morning and the wife said, "How loquacious..."
I wasn't quite sure what that meant, so I fucked her up the arse just to be on the safe side! :shrug

[Jericho]

I was sitting next to the nicest Muslim couple on the plane yesterday.
Neither one of them exploded for the entire flight. :shrug

[Jericho]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German are on a frozen lake, not speaking to one another.
So I thought I'd go over and break the ice! :shrug

[Jericho]

"I can't believe it," she cried. "In the pub, you promised me a whole night of sweaty sex with your twelve inch cock and the greatest orgasms I had ever had. Instead you whip out that maggot and cum on my handbag as soon as I take my top off."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to have to deliver," replied Nick Clegg.

[Jericho]

My young son was terrified there was a monster under his bed, so I sat him down to reassure him.
"Timmy, the monster under your bed has gone now and he'll never bother you again."
"Really? Are you sure, Daddy?"
"Yes, son," I replied "He's been eaten by the Clown in the attic"!

Seems to have worked, he's gone really quiet.

[Jericho]

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the great train robbery.
To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea!

[Jericho]

The two British girls arrested in Peru for smuggling cocaine are claiming they were told it was marmalade.

Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.

[littlenookie]

3 guys walk into a bar, they all work for beer companies. The guy from Budweiser says, "Bartender, give me the #1 selling beer in America." So the bartender hands him a bottle of Bud. The guy from Coors says, "Give me some of that Rocky Mountain freshness." The bartender hands him a bottle of Coors. The guy from Guiness says, "I'll have a glass of water." The other two look at him in shock and say, "Hey what gives?" The guy from Guiness looks back at them and says, "Well since neither one of you was ordering a beer I figure I shouldn't either."

[VictoriaVeil]

Why did the Camel Fuck the Fish?

Cuz it was wet.

[Jericho]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "Whoa...You can fuck right off"!

[Jericho]

In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.

[Jericho]

I was in a club last night, and everyone on the dance floor was staggering around as if they'd been shot.
Then I realized the DJ was playing 'Walk Like An Egyptian'!

[Jericho]

Nothing is more precious than the laughter of children.
Except the SWEET FUCKING SILENCE of not having any!

[martin48]

Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh Festival

The top 10 were:


Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."