Any jokes?

[Jericho]

This drunk tosser shouted at me, "Your mum's a whore!" and I heard all his friends laughing.
But I had the last laugh...He has to pay her, I don't!

[Jericho]

I've just created a new board game for Muslims called 'Atrocity'.
It's just like Monopoly except you start with the buildings on the board.

[Amy Gray]

A little tgirl humor for you. Sorry, they're mostly crude, vulgar, and in poor taste.

A guy's car break's down one summer so he gets a tow to an auto shop. The mechanic tells him it'll take an hour to look at the car so the guy heads off to wait. When the guy comes back his face and shirt are a mess. Mechanic takes one look at him and says "looks like you blew a tranny." The guy just smiles sheepishly and says "nah, I just had an icecream."

Why would tgirls make good nuns?
They never spare the rod.

I hear they have a transsexual superhero now, she's going to be joining the X Men! (please don't kill me, that one is Wendy Summer's fault)

Did you hear about the transsexual massage parlor? They won't help you with that back pain but they'll sure loosen you up!

A tgirl walks up to the deli and asks if they're trans friendly.
The butcher says "No, all our food is hormone free."

Men are like hotdog buns, best when stuffed with meat.

You might be a transsexual... If a bartender offers you salted nuts and you respond "no thanks, I'm still trying to get rid of the ones I've got."

You might be a transsexual... If you've got more hormones in you than the chicken you're eating.

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says, "You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back."

The bride sighed wistfully and replied, "Not really...I just really miss mine."

And my favorite...

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the fuck out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

[Jericho]

A man went to Harley Street in London and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the receptionist for details. She pulled up the file and read...

"The job entails preparing ladies for their intimate examination by the gynecologist. You have to help the women undress and remove their underwear. Lay them down and carefully and thoroughly wash their private parts, apply shaving gel and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're relaxed and ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester."

"Manchester! Is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is"!

[Jericho]

My son was trying to open a yogurt this morning.
After a few minutes he started getting stressed and said "Stupid twattin', fuckin' lid."
The wife looked at me and said "Where's he got that from?"
I said, "The fridge you fuckin' thick cunt"!

[Jericho]

A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.
When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

[Jericho]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
‘What do you mean, almost?’ the priest said.
‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put 50 Euros in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
‘Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 Euros on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.

[Jericho]

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry".
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes...dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration'!

[mellownella]

If you're Jesus and you know it clap your hands......

[mellownella]

I'm not saying my wife's vagina is big but, according to British Intelligence

Al Qaeda is planning on attacking it.

[mellownella]

Wouldn't it be great if people had numbers above their heads representing the number of people they'd slept with? Boys could quickly work out how easy their date was, girls would know if their man was cheating, and I'd get a really cool halo.

[mellownella]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck right off."

[Jericho]

A Scottish farmer is wanting to breed sheep but the only male one he has is gay.
As sheep are so rare in his area he decides to try and impregnate them himself by taking them to the woods and shagging them all one by one.
A local farmer explains to him that he will know his sheep are pregnant once they stop walking around and lay down.
So, the next day, the farmer bundles the sheep back into the Land rover and again takes them to the forest and shags them all again, this time he's knackered and as soon as he gets home he falls straight into bed.
When he wakes up the next day he dives straight for the window to see if the sheep are lying down...to his dismay they aren't so again he puts the sheep in the car and heads off to the forest.
This time he shags them all twice for good luck.
When he gets home he is once again knackered so goes straight to bed.
In the morning he asks his wife to look out the window and see what the sheep are doing.
"That's amazing!" she says.
"What are they all laying down?" he asks.
"No they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn"!

[Jericho]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[Jericho]

Paddy was traveling by AerFungus and ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim sitting next to him if he'd like a drink.
"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" He replied in disgust

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too...I didn't know we had a choice!"

[Jericho]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mammy, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mother, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog."

[Jericho]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
...It was a mortar attack.

[martin48]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
...It was a mortar attack.

Ah - Irish jokes:)

An Englishman is on the outskirts of Dublin and stops a local to ask the fastest way to the city center.

"Will you be driving, or will you be walking?" answers Paddy

"Driving"

"Ah, that'll be the fastest"



So logical!!

[Jericho]

My sex life's so bad i faked an orgasm last night.
That's depressing when you're having a wank!

[ir8jorge]

penguin hears a knocking noise in his car
he takes it to the mechanic
mechanic says "come back in an hr and ill letcha know whats wrong"
penguin does....walks around for an hr.
few mins before the hr is up....he sees an ice cream shop.
since he is a penguin and has no hands, he gets ice cream all over his face and chest.
when he gets to the mechanic, the mechanic says" looks like you blew a seal"
penguin: NO NO NO... its just ice cream

[Jericho]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scales.

[maxpower]

I used to date a blind girl. She broke up with me because I was seeing other people.

[Cedricbi01]

I used to date a blind girl. She broke up with me because I was seeing other people.
Nice one MaxPower !
Found these on the net...

[martin48]

I used to date a blind girl. She broke up with me because I was seeing other people.


I once went out with a medium - it was love at second sight!

[Lovecox]

I'm such a tranny chaser that my favorite poet is TS Eliot.

[dderek123]

http://i.imgur.com/pVJKfKD.jpg

[dderek123]

http://i.imgur.com/1b7l7Hm.gif
Awwww. Pretty harmless right?





Guess again!
http://i.imgur.com/bx9tDps.gif





And again!
http://i.minus.com/iTTSIu1l8mBRd.gif

[Cedricbi01]

You like ?
It tool me some seconds to understand the pic ! :dancing:

[Jericho]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[Cedricbi01]

Fun !

[Jericho]

A young man applied for a sales position in a local department store. Being young, it took some convincing that he was the man they were looking for, so he was hired on a trial basis.
After only one week, the sales manager called him to talk about the new salesman’s week. The manager was impressed. The new salesman had exceeded all expectations. In fact, he had broken all existing sales records. So, he asked the new salesman how he did it.

“Well, a feller came in and I sold him some fish hooks. Then I told him since he has new fish hooks, he ought to get some new fishing line. So, I sold him some new line. Then I told him since he had new hooks and new line, a new rod and reel would look nice. So, I sold him a new rod and reel. Then I told him that he needs some new fishing lures to go with his new rod and reel. So, I sold him two of each type of lures the store carries and a new tackle box to carry them in.”

The sales manager said, “That’s great salesmanship, but it doesn’t explain the total sales figure I have here. Is that all?”

“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I did manage to sell him a bit more. I told him since he had all this new fishing equipment, he ought to have a new boat so he could, get to the good fishing spots. So, I sold him a new 19’ bassboat with a 200 HP outboard engine on a tandem axle trailer.”

“Wow! Now that’s really good salesmanship. You are going to go places, son. But, it still doesn’t explain these figures. Is that all?”

“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I told the guy he was well on his way to the best fishing trip of his life, if he just had a way to tow the boat to the lake. So, I sold him a new Dodge 4x4 extended cab pickup with full tow package.”

“Wonderful!” the manager cried. “So, that’s where these figures come from. All that and the guy only came in for fish hooks?”

“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said. “The feller came in for Tampons and I told him since he wasn’t doing anything this weekend he might as well go fishing.”

[martin48]

Miss World has just been won by the contestant from the Philippines.

She was so excited that she could barely conceal her erection.



so non-PC!!

[travel_by_day]

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk are all travelling on the Titanic when it hits the iceberg.

"The boat is sinking," the buddhist monk says.

"We need to get out of here and get to the lifeboats," the priest says.

"What about the children?" asks the buddhist monk.

"Fuck the children," the rabbi says, climbing into a lifeboat.

The priest pauses and strokes his chin. "Do you think we have time?"

[SammiValentine]

David Moyes :D

[Ben]

The Most Offensive Jokes Ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9DkK06zZ_o

[Jericho]

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are so stuffy! You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip sets you above the rest of us. Look at me: I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that"?

"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap"!

[Jericho]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH"!

[robertlouis]

David Moyes :D

Naughty but funny. :dancing:

Just one of the many things I like about you, Sammi.

[Prospero]

I had to google Moyes to get that. But i still don't really get it.

[GroobySteven]

I had to google Moyes to get that. But i still don't really get it.


Oh dear.
Took over as Man Utd. manager after a great spell at Everton. It was hard enough to step into Alex Ferguson's smelly, sweaty shoes but Man Utd. have had the worst start to a season in a long time.
It's not really funny more ire.

[robertlouis]

Oh dear.
Took over as Man Utd. manager after a great spell at Everton. It was hard enough to step into Alex Ferguson's smelly, sweaty shoes but Man Utd. have had the worst start to a season in a long time.
It's not really funny more ire.



Prospero's a grand fellow, Seanchai, but when it comes to sports knowledge he's an absolute disgrace.

[Jericho]

Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.

I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa - W.A.N.K

[BJ4TS]

Haven't read all of the posts. Hope this one isn't a repeat.

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said
to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill
to get all of her clothes back.

[BJ4TS]

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we
could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said
we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Jericho]

The streets just aren't safe these days.
Just the other day, I was involved in a pretty violent mugging.
On the upside, I did make a few quid!

[Jericho]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, “It’s really spoiled my need for food.
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie.
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?
He declines again. "No, he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving"!

[Jericho]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside"!

[sukumvit boy]

pigeons

[Ben]

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?

A: Poker.

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail." Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

[Jericho]

Harold Shipman will be spinning in his grave when he sees how many grannies British Gas murder this winter.

[maxpower]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?


Beer nuts cost 2.99, deer nuts are under a buck.

[Jericho]

A Yorkshireman and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshireman, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt mate, watch this."
He goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show thee some magic."
Being in a good mood that day, the manager decides to go along with it and hands him a pie.
The Yorkshireman eats it and then another two before brushing the crumbs off his shirt and belching.
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"
The Yorkshireman replies, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

[Jericho]

Little Tommy is sitting at the back of the class as the rest of the kids stand up in turn and tell the class what their parents do for a living. It's the normal stuff, bus driver, road sweeper, professional beer drinker etc. but Tommy sits there not saying a word and looking rather nervous. Finally the teacher asks him,
"so what does your Dad do Tommy?"

"Well Miss," he said shakily, "My Dad works in a gay bar. He sometimes brings young men home and gives them a blow job for £50. For £100 he lets them stick all sorts of things up his bum and for £150 he lets them fuck him all night long. He does a special package for £200 where he lets our dog fuck him too, while the client takes photos."

The teacher nearly falls over backwards. "Is this really true Tommy?" she asks him.

"No, not really miss." he says, "Actually he's a striker for Manchester United but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone!"

[buttslinger]

Why no Halloween Costume contest this year?

Oh well.

[martin48]

Just enjoy this

The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY)

[martin48]

I just love the Japanese - they have a techie solution to everything

[martin48]

Why no Halloween Costume contest this year?

Oh well.

OK - let's get low, really low


Q: Whats the hardest part of pushing a kid on a swing?


A: My dick.






A pedophile, a rapist and a priest walk into a bar .... And that's just the first guy

[luvs2lick1385]

A husband and wife are laying in bed.
The husband get out of bed and goes into the bathroom.
A moments later he returns to the bedroom and hands his wife two aspirins and glass of water.
The wife says "What are you doing, I don't have a headache?"
The husband says "Great Lets fuck"

[Jericho]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.


Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Jericho]

An old fella goes into a chemist and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a small spoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the spoon and gives it to the chemist.
Can you taste that for me,Good sir?
The chemist takes the teaspoon puts it in his mouth and swills it all around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you at all says the old man".
"Not at all says the chemist".
"Thank goodness for that" says the auld fella, "my doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar"!

[nysprod]

Did you hear the one about the Jewish guy who went with an uncircumcised tranny? He refused to touch it because Jewish men won't touch anything unless there's at least 20 percent off...

[bluesoul]

why did Lou Reed die at the age of 72 ? probably because of heavy drug usage in the past

(sorry)

[martin48]

Christmas is coming - time to look out for those special presents

[dderek123]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/8fccf0e6b09799f864bcf9d830380215/tumblr_mvcxd19gmP1sd2kxeo1_1280.png

[buttslinger]

This message has been deleted by seanchai. Reason: in-appropriate with photos of children for this forum

Sorry, I'm an asshole...

[GroobySteven]

why did Lou Reed die at the age of 72 ? probably because of heavy drug usage in the past

(sorry)


I don't get it?

[Prospero]

Nor do I

[Jericho]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who emails me those fucking heart-warming bullshit stories!

[Jericho]

Many years ago at my local lake, a bunch of thugs grabbed hold of a deaf, dumb and blind kid and threw him in the lake.

He drowned.

They say if you go down there on a dark night, when the moon is full, and the mist is drifting across the water, you can't hear a fucking thing!

[Prospero]

From a Scottish newspaper...

[Jericho]

The wife came out the bathroom after a shower stark naked and walked into the bedroom.
She said to me "Babe shut the curtains, i don't want the neighbours to see me naked".
"Don't worry" i replied "if the neighbours see you naked they'll shut their own fucking curtains!!!

[dderek123]

http://i.imgur.com/BNjK2bh.gif

[ImpulZ]

http://i40.tinypic.com/9pp82x.jpg

[sukumvit boy]

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/2750037/oh/

[moniquemyers44]

What's the best thing about assfucking a tranny?

When you reach around it feels like you've gone all the way through.

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

....

[GroobySteven]

Billy Mays is in heaven partying like it's $19.99

[trish]

A woman hears loud violent pounding and screaming coming from the apartment next door. She calls 911. When the police arrive at the door they too hear the horrible pounding, cries and screaming. They break down the door and find
















a couple attemting to put together an IKEA bedroom set.

[danthepoetman]

Trish, it might have been me...
:)

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

I dedicate this one to Trish...

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

Watch this one and convince yourself you're the Lord of some lovely ring...

[danthepoetman]

You have to love Bizarro...

[danthepoetman]

Politics...

[danthepoetman]

Divinity?

[danthepoetman]

Wisdom...

[danthepoetman]

Signs...
:)

[danthepoetman]

Hung over Angel...

[danthepoetman]

A few on love, sex, relationships...

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

A few more from Bizarro...

[danthepoetman]

....

[Jimmy W]

What's long, black, hard as a rock, 13" long and always makes a woman scream?

[Jimmy W]

Crib Death

[Jimmy W]

Credit to Ron Bennington

[danthepoetman]

I love this. Don't know who did it. ANd can't recall where I got it. Here:

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

About men and women...

[GroobySteven]

Come back Jericho!

[danthepoetman]

True. He had really good ones!

[ImpulZ]

:p

https://plus.google.com/+MarianneSansum/posts/a1FvEneKKn2

[danthepoetman]

:p

https://plus.google.com/+MarianneSansum/posts/a1FvEneKKn2
I love it, Impulz!
What was that guy doing?? :)

[danthepoetman]

Only old guys will understand this one... :)

[Lovecox]

Only old guys will understand this one... :)

Genius!

[Jericho]

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."

He said, "I'm not."

[Jericho]

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

[Jericho]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... And guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …......She never got your E-mail!"

[martin48]

,,,,,,,

[martin48]

For the season

[The Piper]

http://www.hdforums.com/articles/either-bike-goes/

[The Piper]

Two things you should know about me.....

1. My cock is the same lenth as two Argos pens.

2. I'm banned from Argos.

[sukumvit boy]

"We're The Millers" haircut scene.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaXQ8nzBr1I

[dderek123]

So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen.
I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?

[buttslinger]

So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen.
I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?

You revived this thread just to tell THAT joke??!!!!??? ha ha ha

Q) What do you do after eating bald pussy?
A) Put the diaper back on......

[spunktrumpet]

Newsflash: Searchers have just found the Wings for Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, unfortunately Mr & Mrs Wing have no idea of the whereabouts of the rest of the passengers.

[dderek123]

You revived this thread just to tell THAT joke??!!!!??? ha ha ha

Q) What do you do after eating bald pussy?
A) Put the diaper back on......

LOL I like dirty humor.

[dderek123]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo"
At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home"
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[buttslinger]

Q) What's 18 inches long and hangs off an asshole?
A) My bosses tie

[Lovecox]

So I was going down on my grandma the other night, and I tasted horse semen.
I stopped for a second and thought to myself: is this how she died?

Wow. I gotta bow down to you. That is the most off the hook joke ever.

[dderek123]

http://i.imgur.com/zW6MD.jpg

[buttslinger]

Just visited the sick joke site.

Q)what's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
A)it only takes one nail to hang the picture

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

....

[danthepoetman]

.....

[danthepoetman]

A bit of science?

[danthepoetman]

In the passage of eons...

[sukumvit boy]

Wow danthepoetman ,thanks ,I needed those! Some real gems there.
So nice to see you back.

[danthepoetman]

Thank you, Sukumvit Boy. I'm glad to see you're still around, my friend! :cheers:

[danthepoetman]

No comment...

[danthepoetman]

A few public signs or notes, pictures...

[danthepoetman]

And a few more on the written word...

[martin48]

Charlie was delighted to be allowed into the Chocolate Factory at last.




His girlfriend had resisted for so long.

[danthepoetman]

Bizarro, my favorite cartoonist.

[danthepoetman]

For science geeks...

[danthepoetman]

...............

[danthepoetman]

.....

[danthepoetman]

Bizarro's stuff again...

[danthepoetman]

"Parnormal" stuff... mystery, conspiracy...

[sukumvit boy]

Time for turkey jokes.

[Dahlia Babe Ailhad]

A policeman rushes over to a car which is waiting at a red light at an intersection. In the car are two catholic priests.

The policeman sticks his head into the car says, "We're looking for a pedophile in the area."

The first priest looks at the other priest and then raises his chin as if to ask, 'What do you think?'

The other priest purses his lips slightly, closes his eyes and assuredly nods his head several times.

The first priest turns to the policeman and says, "Okay, officer. We'll do it."

[sukumvit boy]

Just saw Godzilla Eats Tokyo . Gust another a reptile dysfunction movie.

[BlüeKarma]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f-ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[EZWind]

Two rednecks having a coupla beers, discussing their teenage daughters
...Redneck A....so, what about your'n....is she sexually active?
...Redneck B....naahh, she pretty much just lays there just like her Maw

[cheesenuts]

A group of American tourists walked into a pub in Cork, Ireland.
One of them said in a loud voice,

"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can
drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30
minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.

No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who
left returned and said,
"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American,
"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000".

"Grand," replied the Irishman, "so pour the
pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to
spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you
go?"

"Well sir", replied the Irishman,

"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the
road to see if I could do it."

[sukumvit boy]

Some funny stuff :
963731963732963733963734963735963736963737963738

[hamdasl]

This car pulls up into a handicap spot with no obvious indication of being handicapped. The chap gets out and starts to walk into the shop.
A policeman confronts him about not being handicapped.
The chap says: "I've got Tourettes, you fucking cunt!!"

[Lovecox]

So I show up and she says she wants to blow Clouds.
I said, "I don't know who Clouds is, but until he gets here why don't you blow me?"

[buttslinger]

Every truck is a food truck if you're a cannibal

[buttslinger]

10528461052847105284810528491052850105285110528521 0528538 pictures

[gaysian71]

A little Indian boy walks up the the Indian chief and asks "How do we get our names?" The chief takes the little boy outside and says. "Do you see that little girl over there? When she was born, the first thing I saw was a deer running across the meadow . So I named her Running Deer. And do you see that little boy over there? When he was born, the first thing I saw was an eagle soaring across the sky. So I named him Soaring Eagle." Then he turned to the little boy and says " Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

[rabbitfufu]

first guy walks into a bar...…..second guy walks into a bar...…...third guy ducks

[SusanMichelleBlessington]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Cereal Escapist]

A young boy was finally old enough to go fishing with his dad. 5 hrs into the trip, he turned to his dad and asked, "Dad, is it ok take someone's wee-wee in your mouth and gargle his marbles?"

The dad, though to himself, 'fuck me, my son is gay, but I don't want to ruin this trip so...' he said, "Yes son, it is normal for some men."

The boy replied, "Thanks, I just wanted to make sure Uncle Steve wasn't doing something weird to me."

[seth123]

Religion and Philosophy:

My favorite bumper sticker.
http://images2.imagebam.com/a4/07/61/0adf6a907518394.jpg

__________________________________________________ ______________________________________________
A man was walking down Fifth Ave and noticed a building with the words "GOD IS DEAD" written in graffiti. It was signed "Nietzsche" .
A few days later he walked past the same building but the words had been changed to: "NIETZSCHE IS DEAD " signed "God".

[seth123]

http://images2.imagebam.com/cf/e7/01/15904f907856104.jpg

[Stavros]

Some jokes from the 2018 Edinburgh Festival, one of which has even won an award. I am not sure why 'stand-up comedians' earn so much money for doing so little, but then I suppose comedy is a personal thing, and I see little of it on the tv, though I do see damaged people exploiting their shallow lives for money. Whatever, laugh if you can.

“Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

“I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring”

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.”

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2018/aug/20/adam-rowes-jobcentre-joke-crowned-funniest-of-edinburgh-fringe