Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
