Originally Posted by Alison Faraday
Here's what I wrote for anyone else to read through;
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Funny old thing stealth is. In summing up, it's very lonely. A bit like being inbetween a rock and a hard place. You have your whole past which is part of you, and with some aspects onging, yet you carry on (or try to) as normal.
One thing you (those reading) will encounter is older transsexuals that do not pass and sound like men, yet proclaim they're in stealth, and how miraculous and wonderful it is. "God has been so kind to me," "I'm the woman I was always meant to be." Absolute complete and utter bollocks!!
Stealth is a funny old thing, as you can't readily talk to anyone about it, and if you do try to do so while being anonymous on an online support forum, then they simply do not understand. To be in stealth is to have no point of reference, no reassurance, and no support. It is very much like being a spy. Except your own spy with no organisation or training..
In real life, and that's REAL life as in not in this digital paradox of very confused people, I do live in stealth. I tell no one. I don't think to tell anyone. As to do so would not be to my benefit. While there are a significant number of understanding people out there, there are also a significant number of bigots. I can promise you that. To have blind faith in people is dangerous, just as to suspect everyone is paranoid. So the solution is to avoid the thinking that leads you there in the first place.
Now here's a problem. I have a female passport, a female driving licence, a female birth certificate, and as far as identifying myself goes I am female. Yet, one of my bank accounts is in my old male name. Statements arrive monthly for this account, and they were given all of the relevant documentation years ago to update their details. Yet they wouldn't do it. Unless the option is there on their screen, unless it's easy for them, then your details are staying just how they are. So, this account in my old name is totally inaccessible to me, since I don't have any old ID or way of proving who I was. I can't even close the account, and in the past have had a fraud marker put on my credit reference file. "Woman trying to access man's account," why thank you for the compliment.
Carrying on about this bank account thing and stealth.. When I first transitioned I truly experienced what total fucking cunts people can be. And as time went by I got over it, they disappeared, and I settled into my new life. Now with this bank account which I have to pay into as part of my old student debt, the moment my old name comes up on screen occasionally the cashier serving me will just 'change'. They'll go from chatty chatty, to cold and no eye contact being very formal. That's the dilemma with everyday people and transsexuals. They think that they have a right to know, and that you are deceiving them. They do not realise how much danger you are in and why they are not told. It's ok for them as they're not transsexuals!! Stupid people!
This is the thing with stealth, as you don't actually know that you're there. It slowly creeps up on you but it can come crashing down in minutes, and you have to deal with it on the fly right there and then, gun in your face. There are those in ultra deep stealth, yet in a way they are very lonely people as far as their past goes. Some cope with it and I can't comment, as neither I or you are ever going to know who they are.
Am I in stealth? Well, it's a bit of a pisser for me to be sitting here talking about while my pictures are plastered allover the net. There's 3-billion of us in this world. I'm 1. So I don't feel the risks are overly great. The chances of someone recognising me in everyday life are almost next to nil. Depending of course on where I go. If I go to SoHo in London, then there's a risk. But I'm not likely to go there anyway.
What we all need in life is acceptance, inclusion, and a feeling that we fit in. Maybe that's why I'm here. I have so many skeletons in my closet and stones to be unturned that emotionally I feel safe here now and then. As there's no risk of being a genetic female, and having someone go digging about in my past or finding a crucial cryptographicly hidden number out of place.
The reality of stealth is that it is a mythical thing. It does not exist. It is the Holy Grail. Degrees of stealth are achievable however, yet to go around telling everyone that you live in stealth is a bit like being a spy and going around telling everyone that you are a spy. A bit of a conundrum wouldn't you say. Maybe that person is either confused or living in a fantasy.
My method of self preservation, and that's pretty much what it's all about once we get down to the nitty gritty, is to avoid issues involving other transsexuals. I find it stressful. And I find it confusing too, it raises questions that I don't like. I have rationised my existance in the world and I'm happy. And since reality is also a mythical thing that changes with the times, no one person can say that I'm right or wrong since I don't ever get into the debate in the first place.
So am I breaking rules by writing this? For all that I have said so far, am I rubbishing that? The truth is, I like to tell my story, and I like to do it well. Afterwards I will read through this and gain reassurance from someone. That someone being me. That's not being aloof in any way. That is looking after yourself and healing yourself, when there is no one else that can truly help.
Until you are comfortable in yourself it does not matter what, where, or who you are. That is what this is all about. And those are the true pre-requisites to stealth. Stealth is not real. But then again, what is? :)
As I said; Stealth is a funny old thing.
:)
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