Now the questions are; Why am I here? What is there here? There will probably be more questions than answers by the time I'm done here so we'll just have to see what happens.
I am a transsexual. That being someone who wishes to change from one gender to the other. Throughout this journey and with the studying that comes part and parcel I have learnt that there is more than black and white. Some people are very male, some people are very female, with variations inbetween. Society conditions us that there is only male and female when nature clearly has other ideas. The Bible and certain factions would have me burnt at the stake, yet when taking to heart their belief that God creates us all, then why all of the natural variations?
The more I think I know, the more I realise that I know nothing at all.
So why am I here? For all of us in the world we look for acceptance. In the early days when I transitioned I had very little acceptance. I was subject to a hate campaign by my university friends, something which I try not to think about yet is still part of me and my experiences. Every Sunday after a weekend of drinking we would go out for a Sunday roast. After I came out as transsexual the phonecalls stopped and the campaign begun. I tried to tell myself that it was my imagination so I went for lunch anyway. Very little was said, "Hello," was the plain response to my hello. We all sat down, and either side of me I had an empty chair. No one would sit next to me.
So WHY am I here? Negativity gets us no where. It teaches us experience to protect ourselves from danger. I am now at the point where the final hurdle in my journey would be the final sex change operation. Now I'm not sure I need that to be complete. This is something that throws me a bit when looking at the lives of other transsexuals. If they are unable to find happiness and it is a single focus point that makes them so unhappy, then surely isn't that called unbalanced? Am I unbalanced? Well, do I need the sex change operation to make me happy? The truth would really be that I would have the operation to fit into society. I do not need that operation to make me happy. Who would know unless I tell them?
What is happiness? Am I happy? Well for the most part I think I am. I'm reasonably content. There are things in life that I would like to have. These might be money, status, but what are those really? Status? To be admired by others, my inbox would indicate that I already am. Money? That just makes things easier in a materialistic society which judges and treats people based on what they have, and not who they are.
It's such cliche to say, "We should like people for who they are, not what." But it's true in a way. People are special and society has forgotton that. The elderly have amazing stories to tell yet they are forgotton. The homeless. When I studied in Cambridge I would sit down on the pavement with the homeless. People would look down on me just as they look down on those homeless people. We would talk and share experiences. They were just normal everyday people like you and me who had fallen on hard times. People would throw them 1 pence as in insult. People are so horrible. I have no shame. I'm not horrible. I am proud. Or I should be.
So what is there here? That would be the transgendered scene. There's a number of levels, from what would be considered the very bottom of the average transvestite, to the very top. Now hang on a minute. Top? Bottom? Where is the top or bottom? That would be a matter of perspective based on your personal values.
The top as it always was for me was to be a woman. I have achieved that, and with flying colours. So why am I here? And what is there here for me? As it would apparently seem that for me, anything else is a bonus. Or is it? I am involved in pornography. I effectively sell myself. Why do I do this? I do this for admiration, acceptance, and attention. I also do it for money. Which are those basic human needs. Yet those things in this transgendered are shallow and insincere. They are not achieving anything. They are not giving me what the world has to offer. And it's about at this point where I start to get confused. As really, why am I here? I've achieved what I set out to achieve. So why I am here? Why am I still holding on? What is there here for me? What do I need?
I have a loving partner, what do I need? I have a nice house, what do I need? I have a car. I have a Mother and Father who love me as do I them. What do I need? Friends.
I am here to make friends. Yet I am trying to make those friends in what is a very confused and troublesome environment. The transgendered are incredibly negative in their approach. You cannot give them advice. They often take things the wrong way. They hold grudges. In essence I am trying to find what I want in the wrong place. Or that is how it seems. It is disappointing for me. So disappointing. This place I am in would be somewhere that accepts me, apparently. Yet admiration becomes jealously. Success becomes hate. And achievement, well what is there to achieve here? To become the King Tranny Queen? Is that the achievement of all achievements? Why am I here?
To find what I am looking for it is common sense to realise that I have to expand my horizons beyond this place. I will miss it. It has given me so much. Yet there really isn't much more here for me. I am that woman that I set out to become. I have achieved my goal. And it is time to leave school and get out into the world. I will have trouble letting go. This has been my home.
So why am I here? It has to be friends. Friends to me are people who say hello. They are people that will tell me I am wrong. They are also people who will listen to what I have to say. They are people who are genuine. They are people who are real.
