Surgery, it's complicated

[speedstick112]

I've been in a relationship with this trans girl for a few months now. I am a trans guy and we really enjoy having sex the standard way (with a bit of a role reversal). Apart from this, I am generally the dominant half and we get on really well.

So one day I started talking about wanting to get bottom surgery and have a dick. I have felt somewhat incomplete for all my life about not having one, but I'm basically resigned to this state because, in my opinion, the success of the surgery for trans men falls far short of that for trans women. My girl got really upset when I said this. She said that she used to want a vagina but she doesn't anymore now that we've met and we have such awesome sex. I feel the same way; being with her has made me feel much better about my original plumbing. But I want a dick someday, and you gotta be yourself, right?

Then she said that if I get surgery, then she wants to get hers too. Apparently if I had a dick it would feel "too gay" for her because that would be 2 dicks in a relationship. This really wierded me out-- she wants the surgery only if I get my surgery?! I can understand the desire to have body parts that are compatible with the kind of sex you like, but I don't think that should take priority! People with all kinds of different bodies figure out a way to have sex. A person's body is their own, and no matter how much great sex you have, your genitals are attached to you whether you like them or not. So you'd better stick to the ones you like. And what if we don't even end up together and end up in wildly different relationships?

I tried to tell her that I didn't mean "I want a dick" as in "I don't like the sex we have". My decision for surgery has to be for myself, and hers should be too. But she's like, "no, I"m deciding to base my decision on yours." I don't want to cause her to make this poorly thought out decision that might make her unhappy in the long run! I already told her that I'll love her whether or not she gets it. I know it's common for trans girls not to want to get involved with anything that makes them the slightest bit like a gay guy, and I want to respect that. So what's a guy to do?

[innocentbychoice]

It's so weird that she says she feels it's too gay to have a boyfriend with a dick...I mean, don't straight girls like guys and don't guys have dicks? What's gay about that???

Anyways, if you want to have your surgery, but you enjoy sex with her and don't want her to rush and get surgery just because you'll get surgery, then maybe you should wait and have surgery in the future? It doesn't mean you're not gonna get it, it means you're not gonna get it right now while you're with her.

[Norma]

It's the confused/hypocritical state some transgendered girls have.

Are they a gay guy with tits if their partner also has a dick? In some of their minds, the answer is yes. And sometimes there's nothing you can do to change their mind.

That's why personally, I think in some case it would be best for the FTM/MTF should complete their "bottom surgery" before getting into that "i want to marry this person" serious relationship. It's a harsh way of putting it, but there's alot of failed relationships because of this issue.

[innocentbychoice]

Are they a gay guy with tits if their partner also has a dick? In some of their minds, the answer is yes. And sometimes there's nothing you can do to change their mind.

That's crazy. But oh well, every mind is a world of its own.

[TsJizelle]

It sounds like she's found a security in the relationship you have built with each other but has put the obvious insecurity she has with herself on the back burner because of that.

Ultimately you have to say to yourself, you made the initial decision to follow through with the life you know you feel is best for yourself, so why stop now? She has to ask herself, if she's afraid of the labels as being "gay" then why did she make the decision to transition in the first place? If any trans person were worried about the labels then none of us would exist really.

She more than anyone, if she struggled with the comfort of her genitalia prior to your relationship, should understand how you are feeling. If she loves you, she will love you for whatever decision you make for yourself. Perhaps she's just afraid of the change and said this in the heat of moment.

I dated a trans guy previously and he was very insecure about his genitalia. I have no issues with mine and wanted to obviously please him sexually as well. However he would never let me see him completely naked as he felt the same you do, "incomplete". I never tried to make him do anything he wasn't comfortable with and while we never ended up exchanging roles as you say, we never let this be an issue with our relationship. Especially since we both have similar life experiences, there should be that mutual understanding of how this issue feels and the complexity of it.

She shouldn't let her own selfish desires effect the decision making you have for your life and your body. Especially toying with the obvious emotions you have for each other with ultimatums that you know would be an unhealthy way for her to come to a decision of SRS.

Do you, that's all you my real advice would be. If she can't understand, then she's not the one for you. Ask yourself which is more important: Going through with surgery? or Satisfying her requests for you to not do so.

[loveboof]

That sounds like good advice Jizelle. I agree.
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Please excuse my ignorance, but is a F2M penis fully functional? (just curious... thanks)

[Tina SantaFe]

I'm dating a transman, too. I have to admit, one of the good things about is that our genitals are more compatible than they are with other guys. I'd far prefer if he was the one with a penis and I had the vagina, and we've talked about getting a strap on for him to use from time to time, but, still, it's nice to be able to have sex while facing each other. If he had surgery to get a penis, I dunno; I'd probably want to get surgery, too, so we could still do that.

[speedstick112]

That sounds like good advice Jizelle. I agree.
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Please excuse my ignorance, but is a F2M penis fully functional? (just curious... thanks)

Yes, I very much appreciated the advice from Jizelle. Maybe she didn't mean it seriously, and maybe she will change her mind. We'll have a talk about it.

There are two kinds of surgery for trans men. Phalloplasty involves cutting a bunch of skin from your forearm or torso, fashioning it to look like a penis and then grafting it on. To get hard, you have to either insert a rod or get an inflatable chamber put in. As for erotic sensation, they can try to do a nerve hookup but don't expect orgasm. The other surgery is metoidioplasty, which really just enhances an ftm's homegrown dick. Testosterone causes the clitoris to grow considerably, to resemble a small penis. The surgery involves cutting some ligaments, which makes the dick stick out more and be functionally bigger. They also fashion a foreskin and scrotum out of skin. The result in this case is full erotic sensation, but it really can't exceed about 2 inches. I don't know if I'd call that fully functional.


I'm dating a transman, too. I have to admit, one of the good things about is that our genitals are more compatible than they are with other guys. I'd far prefer if he was the one with a penis and I had the vagina, and we've talked about getting a strap on for him to use from time to time, but, still, it's nice to be able to have sex while facing each other. If he had surgery to get a penis, I dunno; I'd probably want to get surgery, too, so we could still do that.

Wow, it is rare to hear of other ftm/mtf couples. We are lucky to be so compatible, but for me, that compatibility is as fragile as it is profound.