Is that all there is? (got ten minutes?)

[melissacarter]

I have to say, this year has been both wonderful and horrible. It's been good because I've established my own business and am probably more independent than ever. I answer to no one, I set my own hours and I'm providing a service I actually enjoy (most of the time). Moreover, it is a vocation that only facilitates my life as a transsexual; unlike my previous jobs, which were only good as a source of funding for my transition. This job actually REQUIRES that I be Melissa 24/7. While that is certainly a good thing, and while I can finally say "yes I have arrived", and while I am finally where I only dreamed of being two years ago, I am shocked to be experiencing an entirely new and unexpected feeling:

I find myself asking, "is that all there is?" (like the famous song)

What I mean is, now that I'm living the life in earnest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It is the oddest feeling you can imagine. I would have killed for this kind of freedom and time. And now that I have it, I'm not sure what to do with it. I peer out my window and watch the cars go by, one soul after another, and think to myself, "at least they have a place to go. At least they have purpose." I feel I have no purpose other than being a one-hour fantasy for some married guy.

I'm alone again and single and liking it. I'm not looking for a rebound relationship and am not sad about my breakup with my ex bf. I have only good things to say about him as a person and will only say that as a couple we were no longer compatible. There were no tears shed when I ended it. The tears had been shed long ago. And make no mistake, it was my decision all the way.

While I'm not old, I'm no spring chicken either. Time is so precious and there is something horribly wrong with the fact that I simply don't know what to do. I am running a lot again, and shedding that winter weight. I have quit smoking pot completely and am more fanatical than ever about skin care, diet and personal maintenance. When I don't have late night dates I'm in bed at 11 and up at 6:30.

So let me ask you, why am I so fucking sad? Why am I always on the verge of crying like a baby? The other day I was running and I turned to see an elderly couple walking from a park bench to their parked car. These people were old. Like 80 something. Yet they were together and enjoying the beautiful day. This man could barely walk. And yet as he shuffled along I saw him open the car door for his wife. It just overwhelmed me. It was so beautiful. This man, so old and frail, still loved his woman even if she was an old lady herself. He still cared about treating her like a lady and making her feel special. I just started crying. I must have loooked pathetic running down the path crying. It makes me cry even now as I recount it. It makes me think, I'll never have that life.

There are some significant issues in my life now that make this year very difficult,. My family is a source of great sadness. I never wanted them to know what I do for a living and yet now all of them know. You may recall it was my younger brother who searched out my name on Google and then passed on my websites to the rest of the family. No one calls me. Their silence is kiilling me. I also worry a great deal about law enforcement and am as careful as I can be regarding appointments. I often decline dates if I don't get a good feeling about the caller. I never take appointments through email or texts. I stay away from Craigs List. I try to be as discreet as possible.

I am hugely in debt. I used my credit cards over the past two years to finance all my enhancements, operations and hormone/medical needs. After my rhinoplasty in January I was $43,000 in debt. I've been taking any extra money and putting it towards this debt. Currentyly I owe $33,000 so I'm bringing it down but it's still more than it was just prior to the operation. I never know if I'll be having a good or bad week, like any self-employed proprietor, and my worst nightmare is that business will dry up and I'll be holding my tranny dick on the side of the road homeless. I know that this is not a permanent solution and ultimately I'll need to re-enter the workforce in some fashion.

I have no local friends because trannies simply aren't like that. There is no one locally I find interesting. I am meeting interesting people in my job but they are not, let's face it, true blue friends. They are ultimately customers and I'm ultimately a provider. I do have friends and I do reach out to them but it's not the same as a next door neighbor to sit and have coffee with.

I always believed that there was something special inside me. That I had something unique and creative to offer the world. Now I'm not so sure. I have the time to paint. And yet my canvases sit untouched in the basement. I have time to write my book and yet haven't done a thing in two months. I go to bed early sometimes because I simply cannot bear another hour of nothing. And don't want to get in trouble. I am that woman living in that house on the side of the highway. Only I'm not a woman. I'm something else. I used to think it was important to ask, what exactly am I and where am I headed? I have no clue anymore. And not so interested in finding out.

I have an overnight date tonight with a a guy from Vegas. I've been with him before. I already know how it will go. He likes smoking coke while I suck his dick. For hours. And he'll pay me well for it. And I'll pretend I like it. And then there will be more of this....and I'm sure sometime tomorrow, at some point in the day I'll ask myself,

is that all there is?

I'm sure this is totally inappropriate for this forum but I typed it anyway.

[BrendaQG]

The short answer is that it depends on you.

Melissa I know how you feel. Thousands of Dollars in debt, making enough money to live off of and pay that debt but you just don't know. Some weeks nothing then all of the sudden you get a customer who wants an overnite and your back in the game.

I look at what we do as being allot like fishing. Back in like the old days when fishermen basically fished just to feed themselves and their families. You wake up bait a hook drop it in the water and wait for a bite. The real work is reeling it in! But what if you don't get a bite? Some days you get a big Tuna and then nothing but guppies for a while. You know what I'm saying.

Is this all their is? For me the answer is no. Bitches read me for it but to hell with them. I myself think of my self at all times as a scientist. Yeah I may be putting on airs but hey what tranny dosen't to some extent? I think that each date will contribute to a interesting chapter of my Autobiography after I have won the Nobel prize in Physics. I spend my time between dates working on things that could make that pie in the sky happen some day. This is what works for me.

Other girls I know, though I cannot speak for them, looked at escorting as just something that allows them freedom to do things they enjoy but can't, won't and/or don't get paid much for. For example one person I know is a trained Ballet dancer and over all really cool person to know. A couple others do show and honestly it's not the biggest money maker. The stress out sometimes when then are performing. However, when they are up there, they have told me, doing it it makes them feel just so good. Some ladies have manged to become Adult entertainment Moguls (I am so Jealous of them! Damm why did I have to become a scientist?)

You see what I am saying in that paragraph. For myself and the people I mentioned this like any job is just a tool to live the life we want to live. A vocation not an avocation, something you do for a living, not something you live to do.

I hope that this verbal diareha of mine has helped you somewhat. :-)

[Mattias3]

Thats some deep stuff. Interesting points within that post though.

Not that it matters much, but it's amazing how many people in this world feel as you do, or similar in some way.

What is our individual purpose in life?

I'm still trying to find mine, but have no idea where to look.

"is that all there is?"

Smart asses would add the phrase "Lifes what you make of it", expecting that to solve or change everything, but it's hard to make something into something great when your struggling to understad what you've got to begin with.

I truly hope you are happy being single again, as if this is the case your defo doing the right thing not rushing into another relationship. Worst thing possible. It's a oppourtunity to try enjoy life a little for a while, although it's not as easy as people make it sound. I seem to be in one long term relationship after another that always ends with me having an unhappy feeling within me, or sense that I not so much needed to be single but just made a mistake rushing into things so soon. The one time I didn't rebound or rush into another relationship was the best year of my life.

I think deep down everyone, even the most hardcore players, all want to eventually grow old with the one they love as you mentioned with the elderly couple. But there's never any rush to find that meaning of life. There's no set time frame or layout to what you need to do to achieve that. It sounds like more a fear or worry that you'll never be one halve of that elderly couple in your own future, on top of all the other problems on your mind right now. A suck up would say your gorgeous, you'll have that, etc..but truth is in life there's never any guarentee's that things will go as you hope.

Concentrate on yourself & what makes you happy. True people in life never get it easy, handed to them or get things go as easily as they'd planned. It's how they deal with it an overcome the problems that leads to really fulfilling life.

Not the answers im guessing your looking for but hopefully makes some sense. :)

[SXFX]

Hugz?

[slinky]

You might want to consider volunteering at some local charity who could really use your time and talent. It will give you something to do and keep you "socialized".

Or start learning things which could help you with new projects. For example, learn to be a Photoshop expert. There will be work for years to come retouching digital photos (plus you won't have to depend on others to do yours).

[lahabra1976]

Totally agree, just keep yourself active always. I can tell by the way you write, you have the kinda of personality that has the potential to be very successful in life. I use the word potential because as many with this kind of personality, you can go through periods of deep sadness and that can keep you from reaching your potential.

Just stay goal-oriented. I mean you have a business now thats great, you achieved one goal. And I was just as happy when I got my own business also, but you should keep adding more goals as you achieve one. It could be anything. For myself it was trying to build my business so photoshop for yourself is a great idea. I mean I literally read tons of material about business it tired me out, but it allowed me not to linger on the depressive things in my life. No matter how bad things get, it will past, it could take months, years, even decades, but it will past if you stay strong.

This is not to say to repress your problems. Just don't dwell on them. I read this statistic a while back that said in a typical marriage, 62% of the marital problems aren't solved, just the long-term marriages are able to cope with them. Of course this isn't about marriage, but to bring the point that people can live happily and still have problems linking around. There will always be problems and some will never be solved. And moods come and go for the most part. Just think hard back in your life I am sure there have been times you been happy you thought nothing can change and vice versa. However, things do change. But to be content with your life, its just as important to cope with your problems than to solve them.

[blacktgirls]

i'm not transgendered so i can only imagine how hard of a struggle transitioning and acceptance must be for you. however, i feel like i am not living up to my full potential and doing things that would make me happier. i have a guitar but i don't play. i want to learn different languages but i never go to the library to get the tapes . i say that i'm going to start doing something i want to do tommorow but i never do. i feel i am wasting my life worrying about the unknown and not just doing the best i can today. i hope it helps you a little to know i too have some of the same doubts and fears about life . maybe i'll write a to do list with time schedules.

[qeuqheeg222]

very interesting topic ..i hear this melancholy in bits and pieces between the lines and weed puffs from many of the girls i know....loneliness is a killer...many suffer thru this on a daily basis and overcompensate with other behaviours to mask the pain...i went to the beach the other day with this tg i used to date,who now has a fine legal mess on her hands ,along with a on again off again "habit" we sat on the jetty in the sun and watched these to teenaagers hold each other in the heavy surf...the tg said "i really wish i could feel that level of attachment daily.where you go to the beach and be affectionate"...she almost started to cry...try to make some friends outside "the life".i think the ghetto-ization-either self imposed or by society is bad for everybody..get out and mingle...

[steviedresses]

Wow! What a deep discussion. I love this forum for the quality of the intellect. (Whoops... did I spell that right?)

I graduated from college with a B.S in May 2007. Worked my ass off for it I did. Now I'm 25k in debt and still at the same job. And I'm almost 47! What did I accomplish? I don't know.

Mellissa I have no quick fixes. I'm afraid you are going thru the same "mid-life" crisis as many of us do. Of course you are in a completely different situation then me... I can only dream of being transgendered... I don't dare go thru with it. I'm too big of a weaniee. Transgendered women are very brave. I would love to live as a woman but I don't have the guts.

Congragulations on your transformation. You are a very striking woman. I would love to spend an evening with you, but alas, I am married with children and I love my wife very much. So this is my sin, the web.

My suggestion is the same as posted earlier... Set a new goal. Life is about the journey, not the destination. In the end we all end up in the same place, dead. So pick a new goal, go for it, and have fun. And when you accomplish that one,,, pick another one!

[yodajazz]

Thanks for the post Melissa. I appreciate your openess. But one thing I’ll say those public views of love are only part of the story. That old couple were probably arguing on the way there and back. I while ago I stopped and talked with my uncle and I swear he has been married to the same woman for sixty years. One subject he was talking about is the crazy attitudes that women have and I know he was talking about his wife. I thought to myself, even he hasn’t got things figured out yet. But I know he has some good advice.

But a key to what Melissa described about the old couple was that he did something for his wife. Giving to others is a key way to express love, and that love is always returned, just not always in ways we expect. Danny Partridge was right and so was lahabra1976, in their replies. Give for the sake of giving and express love through something that you love to do. It always comes back to you, but don’t look for it. Just be happy that you are able to give.

One more thing is that at my age I have been to lots of funerals. Recently, I came to the realization that at the many funerals I have been the main subject in everyone of those has been what the person loved. Whether it was an activity, family or whatever, the memory they all left was what they loved. So the answer to “Is that all there is?” is to love. That is all we will leave to the world. Of course we have to be careful not to love something negative that steals our life energy.

The very last thing I will to you Melissa is that it is better to have poorly painted pictures than a blank canvas. Even the poor ones will teach you something. They will make you a better person. And I always believed that most trans people have story from a unique perspective. And that is why they are greatly respected in some cultures.

[justatransgirl]

Melissa, more of us feel your pain that you may realize.

For some girls in the biz, yes, that is all there is. And for some it's enough. But for others, such as yourself it's but a stepping stone to other things. So don't sell yourself short.

I've done a lot of living... and something years ago that in part shaped my life was an experience in Palm Beach.

My girlfriend of the time and I lived aboard a sailboat and were moving it to a more secure moorage just ahead of a tropical storm.

It was getting toward twilight and rain bands were beginning to pass through. I remember miserably standing at the helm fighting the wind and rain and looking up into this high rise condo complex we were passing along the intercoastal waterway and thinking, "This really sucks, here I am soaking wet driving this damm little boat through the dark to an uncertain future, and look at all those people in their warm cozy (dry) apartments, eating dinner and watching TV, they are so lucky."

And then the building seemed to flicker and it dawned on me that everyone in the building was watching the same 2 or 3 TV news stations, and that ALL their TV's were in the same place on the same wall (natually, the cable would be there). They were ALL doing EXACTLY the same thing as all their neighbors. And that they probably did that EVERY day of their lives.

We named it the "Wall of the Living Dead."

Suddenly having rain dripping off my nose felt wonderful. Because I was FREE! Free to choose my own destiny, free to follow my dreams. And I have.

So find or remember your dream honey, and follow it. And when you can't see the forest for the trees, occasionally remind yourself that you DO have goals and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get there.

And as for those who don't accept you or your profession. Just remember, living well is the best revenge.

Hugs,
TS Jamie :-)

PS - And don't use cliches, sheesh, sorry. :-)

[thx1138]

@ melissa: this might cheer you up http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=3Yyp43mZq7s & http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html

[harlemzfinest]

melissa, we all are going though these moments. I personally go through them every day wondering the same question. Am I busting my ass to live day by day and hear the same problems that never seem to go away. I respect you opinions and admire you. don't alllow things to overwhelm you as difficult as they seem.

[thx1138]

"Is this all that there is?" Is this all that I am?" V'ger (star trek 1) didn't have the answers either so you are in good company. My guess is this phenomenon is a natural consequence of being a conscience entity.

[T Oracle]

Looks like quite a number of people care enough to spend the 10 minutes you wanted.

And some great replies as well.

[needsum]

While I cannot know what it is like for you as a transgendered woman to be where you are at, I can sympathize, like many who have posted thus far, with the emotions you are feeling. I understand what it's like to be caught up in the "here and now" and want to know what its all about and what personal worth it brings. Why do some of us get caught up in looking for "the answer to it all?" I'm sure we will never know.

But just know this--look back at some of the things you described about yourself, and remember that they are still a part of who you are. You may not paint right now, but you are still a painter. What you need is inspiration. What you need is a muse. You need to allow yourself the time to grow into your newfound world and absorb everything around you. Boredom may be at a high point right now, lonliness can keep you down. But just know that it is all temporary.

While runing one day you might just see something striking that makes you think of a cool way you could translate it onto canvas. Maybe you could take some classes at a community college just to keep yourself immersed in the public and allow you to be social with new people who are not with you for sexual gratification, and all the while you will be learning something that you can use to further your own goals and aspirations.

Just keep your head up. I admire you for your courage and your willingness to put yourself out there. I know how hard it is to deal with family issues and do not envy your situation. But as much as it may hurt, use it to your advantage and find a way to prove to them that you ARE worthy of their love and support, because all of us here believe that you are. And we barely even know you.

So don't despair. Use this down time to your advantage. Soak everything in, and I bet you that at some point you will be able to look back from your newfound happiness and think of this as all just a small speed bump on your way to happiness.

[doradora]

I just read melissa's Message.(I can't read other Replys, yet.)

I'm in feeling almost like that.
I afraid that. and I don't know how can I do.

I don't know what words of encouragement to you.
but I hope that Your happy in verity.

[Janie2261]

Melissa,

The problem with achieving our goals is that we expect they will make us happy. Yet we can only be happy in the present, not in the future, because the future never arrives. This might help:

1. Go to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (highly recommended by Oprah).

2. Follow up on the earlier suggestion to do some volunteer work at local charity. The only way to make yourself happy is by giving to others. Find a way to serve. It will make you feel good -- guaranteed!

3. Go outside and make a friend -- anyone. Just connect with someone as one human being to another.

4. Try to spend some time in the present. Take a break from your thoughts about the past and the future -- just be here now. It's refreshing. Go to a meditation class.

5. Forgive everyone, especially your family. Drop your grievances from the past. The past is dead and cannot be changed. Move on.

Everything you are looking for is right inside of you -- not out there anywhere.

[SinthiaTV]

Melissa,

6 months ago, I had a net worth of about 600k, excluding house. I got legislated out of business and lost almost everything--credit rating, assets, heck--I can't even have a bank account because the IRS or state of MN will go in and yank funds out of it. I'll be filing bankruptcy in a few days.

I spent 10 years in my own business, the last 5 hating it. When it crashed, it took 2 or 3 months to put myself back together, just because I thought that what I owned defined me. But it really was a chance to start my life over again, (relatively) free of baggage.

Honey, you are so beautiful, and yes you have a lot of debt, but you've spent the money on re-creating yourself so that your image in the mirror matches your self-image. I woke up one day and thought, "OMG, I'm 39 and I haven't had sex with a man yet!" It was like the last 10 years of my life just passed while my back was turned, and now I have to hurry to make up for lost time before I'm too old and ugly for a man to desire me.

I'll never be anything more than a TV, at this point--I feel like it's too late for me, but I just want to tell you this (and please don't take it the wrong way):

You are so beautiful that men want to pay money to have sex with you.

I don't think I'll ever know what it feels like to have that sort of power, that sort of desirability.

Yes, finding a life partner is good. It's not as good as you fantasize about, now that you're single, but it's pretty good. As a T-girl, you're going to have a harder time finding one, but you knew you were walking a tough road when you started out. If you limit yourself to the guys you meet when you're working, well, that's probably not a great place to find a life partner.

I don't know about the whole volunteering thing--it seems to me that the best way to feel great about yourself is to succeed and to have someone to share that feeling with. If you get tired of escorting, there are other ways of making money than having a J-O-B and having to put up with all that crap.

Anyway, hang in there, honey--life can and will present you with magical surprises as well as slapdowns.

[yodajazz]

Melissa,

The problem with achieving our goals is that we expect they will make us happy. Yet we can only be happy in the present, not in the future, because the future never arrives. This might help:

1. Go to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (highly recommended by Oprah).

2. Follow up on the earlier suggestion to do some volunteer work at local charity. The only way to make yourself happy is by giving to others. Find a way to serve. It will make you feel good -- guaranteed!

3. Go outside and make a friend -- anyone. Just connect with someone as one human being to another.

4. Try to spend some time in the present. Take a break from your thoughts about the past and the future -- just be here now. It's refreshing. Go to a meditation class.

5. Forgive everyone, especially your family. Drop your grievances from the past. The past is dead and cannot be changed. Move on.

Everything you are looking for is right inside of you -- not out there anywhere.

Great first post. I couldn't agree with you more. Welcome to the board! Now that you have lost your virginity don't be afraid to post more.

There have been some great answers on this thread. I am proud of you all.

[BeardedOne]

Melissa,

Wonderful, thought-provoking post. I'm familiar with some of what you're experiencing from your earlier posts.

"Is that all there is?
If that's all there is to life, then let's keep dancing."

That's a question I reflect on every day as I am one lonely, miserable, borderline suicidal sumbitch that has a lot of grief in dealing with the 'human' race.

With you, there is a difference in that you have a life beyond a single room and you certainly appear to have the cojones (Even if they are in a little jar atop the fridge) to follow it. You're in a funk now, from familial and relationship speedbumps, but I am pretty sure you'll sail past them and "The Wall of the Living Dead".

Meanwhile, talk the station into serving real food beyond that fancy-schmancy yuppie crap on their menu (Or recommend a good pizzeria in NH/LV) and I'll come up some day and feed you and tell you goofy jokes until you splurt soda from your nose. :D

[peggygee]

Peggy Lee sang Is that all there is? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTpFUT-lxls)

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l2/magi43/peggylee.gif

Peggy Gee say's life is what you make it. :wink:

[CORVETTEDUDE]

Sounds just like a woman, Never Satisfied!!!

Hi, Liss...been a while, noce to see ya. C-Dude

P.S. If I were doin' you 24/7, would you have enough to do, then?! :lol:

[melissacarter]

Thank you to everyone who responded. You never can tell what you'll get on the HA boards, it can be empathy and compassion or you can get your ass handed to you.

When I wrote that stuff I was feeling exceptionally down and aimless. I had just found out from my doc that my estrogen level was over 2000 and was ordered to immediately break from injecting for four weeks.

Nothing of substance has really changed for me but my outlook has to some degree. I've always had this philosophical approach to life, always was drawn to the existentialist writers particularly Dostoyevsky. It shows up in my paintings and my writings and even to some extent my decision to cross the gender line. I've searched for meaning but can't say I've found it. Sometimes the simple act of searching is enough. I've never really been able to get past this "nothing really matters" idea and in some ways that has empowered me to not only become a transsexual but even to escort. In some ways it doesn't matter what we do for money. In someways it doesn't matter if you have money or not.

I once heard this story, told to me by my ex: in high school on occasion the headmaster would, without notice, announce a "mystery trip", and all the students were immediately ordered to board the bus. The kids would of course ask, "where are we going?" but the headmaster would never say where. The bus driver would take different routes on each trip but they would always end up at the same destination- the local Dairy Queen. On one trip a classmate finally asked the question, "why do they call it a mystery trip when we all know we're going to Dairy Queen?" The wiseguy of the class, Johnny, (he would later die from a heroine overdose) replied, "Don't you get it? The trip is the thing."

Well, I guess that's how I need to see it right now, the trip is the thing.

Below: "Death by Suburb" Oil on Canvas 28" x 48"
"Highway Painting" Oil on Canvas 28" x 48"
"Fucked Up Planet" Gouche on Paper 11" x 14"