JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel
08-27-2007, 10:26 PM
Found this on a website, pretty funny IMO
1) Who's Your Daddy.
Whether you subscribe to the evolutionary theorist's school of thought that believes the idea of sex with one's father is found repulsive as a natural means of achieving genetic diversity, or you subscribe to the school of thought that says incest is gross. No girl in her right mind wants to think about her father during sex.
Now you can try and lay some Freudian bullshit on me about how all girls secretly want to fuck their fathers and thus explain how the comment is a subconscious turn on... To which I respond: next time you're fucking her, ask her to talk about your mom and see what happens. Nuff said no?
So from now on "who's your daddy" should only be used when beating your friend's asses in John Madden Football games.
Exception: Latinas – They can say "Fuck Me Papi" all they want during sex, oddly enough, it's a turn on for both parties.
2) Racial Slurs.
Guess this probably only applies to interracial couples, however after watching a few mixed race gangbangs on efukt.com one might accidentally conclude that racial slurs are a turn on. Nobody wants to be someone else's bitch, so a racial slur can lead to only one of two scenarios: 1) You get your ass kicked out of bed, 2) Your partner loses all respect for you and themselves and nobody gets laid in the near future.
Exception: White Guys – It don't matter who is fucking me, if they want to smack my cracker ass and call me "whitey", it ain't offensive, it's kinky!
3) Derogatory Terms.
Go back and read over the racial slurs paragraph. Bitch, slut, whore, or anything on that wavelength is out.
Exception: S&M anyone?
4) Creepy Shit You Should Keep To Yourself.
Telling a girl you want to kiss every inch of her ethereal body is definitely a turn on. However telling her you want to smear grape jelly on your nut-sack, and, as her dog licks it off, you want her to sit on your face butt-stamping your forehead – Well it isn't the crowd pleaser you might expect it to be.
Now that was a rather extreme example, but the idea is don't go too far with the crazy talk. If she keeps fingering your butthole, maybe through dirty talk you can tell her you want to do the same. But if she's afraid of a finger, maybe you should neglect to mention the 14 inch buttplug you have in your closet. Got the idea? Good… Moving on.
Exception: You're doing a girl you know is into some kinky shit (the iron maiden in the bedroom may give it away)… but be careful, the rumors aren't always true.
5) Sexual Fantasies With Others.
Some girls love the idea of a threesome, in fact one magazine polling readers found up to 20% of woman fantasize about other women during sex. However just cause the odds may be in your favour, doesn't mean it's ok to say them in bed. If you say "maybe your friend can join us" it will almost always piss your girl off (unless the friend is already in the room watching). Girls want to be your only focus during sex, they don't want you watching TV, eating a sandwich, or thinking about their friends. Don't believe me? Well this is along the same lines as your girl telling you she wants to try having sex with someone with a bigger dick… See if that doesn't kill the mood.
Exceptions: As previously mentioned, unless her friend is already in the room with you, you better wait until the next time or at least till you're out of bed.
6) Narration.
A little bit of in bed narration never hurt anybody. "Oh baby, I'm so horny", "your soooo wet", "your tits feel great" – all are possible turn ons for your lover. However that doesn't mean you should deliver the entire play-by-play like you're hosting ESPN.
"Oh I'm unzipping your tight sexy pants", "oh I'm rubbing your thigh", "oh I'm sliding off your underwear", "oh I'm licking your navel", "oh I'm touching your clit", "oh I smell fish", etc., etc., – all quickly become turn-offs after 5 seconds.
In the days of phone and internet chat sex, some guys have began thinking narration is a good thing. However, unless your girl is blind and paralyzed from the neck down, narration isn't needed because she is more than aware of what you are doing.
Exception: I already mentioned the blind quadriplegic… Can't think of any others.
7) Scientific or Medical Jargon.
Great so you read how to give head 101, now go rent yourself a porno and find out what the actual hot names of the female anatomy are. Saying you're going to "fondle her mammary" as you "caress her labial minor" and "provide cunninglingus to the dermal flap below her clitoral hood" isn't just a turn off it's creepy… Hanibal Lecter creepy!
Exception: You're doing a girl who speaks another language and might only be familiar with the more "professional" names.
8) Chauvinistic Vocabulary.
If you are ever in doubt, the words "pussy" or "down there" are probably your safest bets. Avoid using terms that you might also use when she cuts you off in traffic, or accuses you of sexual harassment. Terms like: twat, cunt, cum dumpster, etc., are terms that are rarely appreciated by the opposite sex, and this goes double when you are referring to the most treasured part of their body. You should worship the pussy, leave the word twat to the guys who aren't getting any.
Exception: Hookers who cost under $5.00 (sorry that was mean but I couldn't resist).
9) Penile Pet Names.
I guess pet names for your penis used to be cute, but then you turned 5 years old and found out where babies really come from. There are absolutely no girls that want to here their guy refer to his schlong as "little mike", and if you say "Mikey likes it!" one more time she's probably gonna force feed you coke and pop rocks. So Doc Johnson, Little Mike, and Mr. Tiny, I'm said to say but it's time for retirement. Again, just rent an American porn to find out words you can use, or just stick to "dick" or "cock".
Exceptions: "Oh man but I've got the coolest name for my cock that all the girls think is so cute"… No, you really don't… No Exceptions!
10) Everybody Is A Critic.
Contrary to popular belief, criticizing your partner during sex and telling her or him that they should do something better or different is not going to result in better sex. So unless something is hurting you or feeling uncomfortable, don't tell your partner to stop cause you don't like it, but instead over exaggerate what you do like. Also a very quick way to stop something you don't like without hurting your partners feelings is to say "that tickles".
Example: She is sucking your toes, which you don't particularly care for, and one hand grazes your boys. Once your boys are touched, quiver and say "that felt so good". If your girl takes the hint, she'll quickly understand what you really want her to suck on.
Problematic Example: "Why the hell are you sucking my toes?" "That's so gross!" "You got some sort of foot fetish? Or did you just fail biology".
Exceptions: She is using TEETH! That is self-explanatory.
1) Who's Your Daddy.
Whether you subscribe to the evolutionary theorist's school of thought that believes the idea of sex with one's father is found repulsive as a natural means of achieving genetic diversity, or you subscribe to the school of thought that says incest is gross. No girl in her right mind wants to think about her father during sex.
Now you can try and lay some Freudian bullshit on me about how all girls secretly want to fuck their fathers and thus explain how the comment is a subconscious turn on... To which I respond: next time you're fucking her, ask her to talk about your mom and see what happens. Nuff said no?
So from now on "who's your daddy" should only be used when beating your friend's asses in John Madden Football games.
Exception: Latinas – They can say "Fuck Me Papi" all they want during sex, oddly enough, it's a turn on for both parties.
2) Racial Slurs.
Guess this probably only applies to interracial couples, however after watching a few mixed race gangbangs on efukt.com one might accidentally conclude that racial slurs are a turn on. Nobody wants to be someone else's bitch, so a racial slur can lead to only one of two scenarios: 1) You get your ass kicked out of bed, 2) Your partner loses all respect for you and themselves and nobody gets laid in the near future.
Exception: White Guys – It don't matter who is fucking me, if they want to smack my cracker ass and call me "whitey", it ain't offensive, it's kinky!
3) Derogatory Terms.
Go back and read over the racial slurs paragraph. Bitch, slut, whore, or anything on that wavelength is out.
Exception: S&M anyone?
4) Creepy Shit You Should Keep To Yourself.
Telling a girl you want to kiss every inch of her ethereal body is definitely a turn on. However telling her you want to smear grape jelly on your nut-sack, and, as her dog licks it off, you want her to sit on your face butt-stamping your forehead – Well it isn't the crowd pleaser you might expect it to be.
Now that was a rather extreme example, but the idea is don't go too far with the crazy talk. If she keeps fingering your butthole, maybe through dirty talk you can tell her you want to do the same. But if she's afraid of a finger, maybe you should neglect to mention the 14 inch buttplug you have in your closet. Got the idea? Good… Moving on.
Exception: You're doing a girl you know is into some kinky shit (the iron maiden in the bedroom may give it away)… but be careful, the rumors aren't always true.
5) Sexual Fantasies With Others.
Some girls love the idea of a threesome, in fact one magazine polling readers found up to 20% of woman fantasize about other women during sex. However just cause the odds may be in your favour, doesn't mean it's ok to say them in bed. If you say "maybe your friend can join us" it will almost always piss your girl off (unless the friend is already in the room watching). Girls want to be your only focus during sex, they don't want you watching TV, eating a sandwich, or thinking about their friends. Don't believe me? Well this is along the same lines as your girl telling you she wants to try having sex with someone with a bigger dick… See if that doesn't kill the mood.
Exceptions: As previously mentioned, unless her friend is already in the room with you, you better wait until the next time or at least till you're out of bed.
6) Narration.
A little bit of in bed narration never hurt anybody. "Oh baby, I'm so horny", "your soooo wet", "your tits feel great" – all are possible turn ons for your lover. However that doesn't mean you should deliver the entire play-by-play like you're hosting ESPN.
"Oh I'm unzipping your tight sexy pants", "oh I'm rubbing your thigh", "oh I'm sliding off your underwear", "oh I'm licking your navel", "oh I'm touching your clit", "oh I smell fish", etc., etc., – all quickly become turn-offs after 5 seconds.
In the days of phone and internet chat sex, some guys have began thinking narration is a good thing. However, unless your girl is blind and paralyzed from the neck down, narration isn't needed because she is more than aware of what you are doing.
Exception: I already mentioned the blind quadriplegic… Can't think of any others.
7) Scientific or Medical Jargon.
Great so you read how to give head 101, now go rent yourself a porno and find out what the actual hot names of the female anatomy are. Saying you're going to "fondle her mammary" as you "caress her labial minor" and "provide cunninglingus to the dermal flap below her clitoral hood" isn't just a turn off it's creepy… Hanibal Lecter creepy!
Exception: You're doing a girl who speaks another language and might only be familiar with the more "professional" names.
8) Chauvinistic Vocabulary.
If you are ever in doubt, the words "pussy" or "down there" are probably your safest bets. Avoid using terms that you might also use when she cuts you off in traffic, or accuses you of sexual harassment. Terms like: twat, cunt, cum dumpster, etc., are terms that are rarely appreciated by the opposite sex, and this goes double when you are referring to the most treasured part of their body. You should worship the pussy, leave the word twat to the guys who aren't getting any.
Exception: Hookers who cost under $5.00 (sorry that was mean but I couldn't resist).
9) Penile Pet Names.
I guess pet names for your penis used to be cute, but then you turned 5 years old and found out where babies really come from. There are absolutely no girls that want to here their guy refer to his schlong as "little mike", and if you say "Mikey likes it!" one more time she's probably gonna force feed you coke and pop rocks. So Doc Johnson, Little Mike, and Mr. Tiny, I'm said to say but it's time for retirement. Again, just rent an American porn to find out words you can use, or just stick to "dick" or "cock".
Exceptions: "Oh man but I've got the coolest name for my cock that all the girls think is so cute"… No, you really don't… No Exceptions!
10) Everybody Is A Critic.
Contrary to popular belief, criticizing your partner during sex and telling her or him that they should do something better or different is not going to result in better sex. So unless something is hurting you or feeling uncomfortable, don't tell your partner to stop cause you don't like it, but instead over exaggerate what you do like. Also a very quick way to stop something you don't like without hurting your partners feelings is to say "that tickles".
Example: She is sucking your toes, which you don't particularly care for, and one hand grazes your boys. Once your boys are touched, quiver and say "that felt so good". If your girl takes the hint, she'll quickly understand what you really want her to suck on.
Problematic Example: "Why the hell are you sucking my toes?" "That's so gross!" "You got some sort of foot fetish? Or did you just fail biology".
Exceptions: She is using TEETH! That is self-explanatory.