How to Foil a Terrorist Plot in Seven Simple Steps

[chefmike]

How to Foil a Terrorist Plot in Seven Simple Steps
Nora Ephron


1. In order to foil a terrorist plot, you must first find a terrorist plot. This is not easy.

2. Not just anyone can find and then foil a terrorist plot. You must have an incentive. The best incentive is to be an accused felon, looking at a long prison term. Under such circumstances, your lawyer will explain to you, you may be able to reduce your sentence by acting as an informant in a criminal case, preferably one involving terrorists.

3. The fact that you do not know any actual terrorists should not in any way deter you. Necessity is the mother of invention: if you can find the right raw material -- a sad, sick, lonely, drunk, deranged, disgruntled or just plain anti-American Muslim somewhere in the United States -- you can make your very own terrorist.

4. Now the good part begins. Money! The FBI will give you lots of money to take your very own terrorist out to lots of dinners where you, wearing a wire, can record yourself making recommendations to him about possible targets and weapons that might be used in the impending terrorist attack that your very own terrorist is going to mastermind, with your help. It will even buy you a computer so you can go to Google Earth in order to show your very own terrorist a "top secret" aerial image of the target you have suggested.

5. More money!! The FBI will give you even more money to travel to foreign countries with your very own terrorist, and it will make suggestions about terrorist groups you can meet while in said foreign countries.

6. Months and even years will pass in this fashion, while you essentially get the FBI to pay for everything you do. (Incidentally, be sure your lawyer negotiates your expense account well in advance, or you may be forced -- as the informant was in the Buffalo terrorist case -- to protest your inadequate remuneration by setting yourself on fire in front of the White House.)

7. At a certain point, something will go wrong. You may have trouble recruiting other people to collaborate with your very own terrorist, who is, as you yourself know, just an ordinary guy in a really bad mood. Or, alternatively, the terrorist cell you have carefully cobbled together may malfunction and fail to move forward -- probably as a result of sheer incompetence or of simply not having been genuinely serious about the acts of terrorism you were urging it to commit. At this point, you may worry that the FBI is going to realize that there isn't much of a terrorist plot going on here at all, just a case of entrapment. Do not despair: the FBI is way ahead of you. The FBI knows perfectly well what's going on. The FBI has as much at stake as you do. So before it can be obvious to the world that there's no case, the FBI will arrest your very own terrorist, hold a press conference and announce that a huge terrorist plot has been foiled. It will of course be forced to admit that this plot did not proceed beyond the pre-planning stage, that no actual weapons or money were involved, and that the plot itself was "not technically feasible," but that will not stop the story from becoming a front-page episode all over America and, within hours, boilerplate for all the Republican politicians who believe that you need to arrest a "homegrown" terrorist now and then to justify the continuing war in Iraq. Everyone will be happy, except for the schmuck you shmikeled into becoming a terrorist, and no one really cares about him anyway.

So congratulations. You have foiled a terrorist plot. Way to go.

[bucatini70]

why do you find it necessary to be a bitter, negative person? i am hard pressed to find a post when you have anything positive to say about anything of significant value (movies) such a shame as it is obivious that you are intelligent and i am sure you would have positive lessons to share with world

[guyone]

To his defense he did say he would save me from being run over by a bus once...and he HATES me.

[chefmike]

What was bitter or negative about that piece, bucatini?

The fact that it didn't agree with the BushInc. party line of lie after lie after lie?

The fact that it didn't praise the hoax and sham known as 'homeland security?'

Or maybe that it didn't endorse the rape of US civil liberties and privacy that's ironically called 'the patriot act?'

Or was it all of the above?

[chefmike]

To his defense he did say he would save me from being run over by a bus once...and he HATES me.

Don't be so melodramatic, gump.

If I were to happen upon an ostrich with his head buried in the ground, and maybe I decided to kick the aforementioned ostrich squarely in the ass, it wouldn't mean that I hated that ostrich.

It would mean that I thought the ostrich in question needed a swift kick in the ass....

[guyone]

But you do hate me (snif, snif) you're always making fun of me ( whimper, whimper) and calling me stupid (*insert heavy crying snot slurp here) and you never have anything nice to say to me...ever!

(WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)

[TJ347]

So Chefmike, you don't like Bush, the Republicans, the way the country's headed...
Fine, and I can agree with you on that.

But what are YOU going to do about it? And what do you think all your ranting and raving to date has accomplished?

You have proven yourself to be well-versed in political goings-on without a doubt, but also self-righteous, self-important and self-defeating. Your regular (and unnecessary) use of five and ten dollar words, no doubt meant to ensure others see you as intelligent enough to converse on all subjects political, actually makes you come off as a wannabe intellectual, who when all is considered, isn't saying anything that hasn't been said before, and by better people.

Are you an inspiration to your fellow Americans, who you hope to inform and educate? Hardly. And for no other reason than that the real you is so readily observant everytime you aren't simply copying and pasting the words of people you identify with politically. Your frustration and bitterness comes through in your every word, guaranteeing that anyone who might possibly agree with what you have to say will be turned off in short order, making your mission a failure even before it begins.

That you are arrogant, miserable, and yes, an asshole, is without question, as is the fact that you are quite intelligent. Sadly, intelligence is not enough, but you're far too arrogant to realize this, and continue to fight a battle lost long ago due to the inherent flaws in your personality. Outside of the Politics and Religion section, virtually everything you say makes these flaws all the more easy to spot, and yet because you lack the ability to take criticism in any form, despite the fact that you surely recognize your limitations, you cannot move beyong them.

I am completely unconcerned by what you think of me, what you have to say about me, how you feel about me... That has no impact on my life, and I will keep doing what I do regardless of you or anyone else here. Nonetheless, because I agree with much of what it is you are trying to get across, I hold out hope despite all evidence that at some time in the near future, you will develop the emotional maturity to express yourself in a manner that is more beneficial to the conveyance of your intended message. However, I am all too familiar with the saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks...

Why is it I can already hear you going on one of your childish rants?

[chefmike]

I really hurt your feelings, didn't I tinkerbell? Do you need a hanky?

[chefmike]

Just one more thing, TINKERBELL347, we both know the reason that you sashayed over to the P & R section in the first place, don't we? You got your feelings hurt in the general discussion forum repeatedly, but facts are facts, you silly fop. You are a vapid twit who has managed to rack up almost 1300 posts in less than two months...

Way to go, francis!

[bucatini70]

no Mike i honestly don't care whether a repuke or dumass is in office is makes very little difference in the outcome as they are all professional politicians with only one real objective and that is to get elected and stay that way. I just think that when we constantly bash never ending bashing from either party it is counter-productive.......maybe i am still an idealist and believe that change comes from the people... not a party of lawyers. I do read your posts as well as other people and you show a great intelligence but it is clouded with negativity. I think you can do a great deal of good if you temper your some of your posts with solutions rather than problems

[TJ347]

A fact is a fact, and the fact is Chef, all you do is state the problems, which anyone can do. You offer no solutions, because the scope of the problems are beyond you, just as taking the advice of the previous poster is beyond you. What a dickhead...

And don't worry about my feelings, as nothing you can say is at all that serious. BTW, do you have any other insults handy? The ones you've used thus far are getting kinda stale...

[insert_namehere]

the tone of this thread proves one thing....

... terrorists...

.... real or imagined....

.... make people cranky.

[chefmike]

A fact is a fact, and the fact is Chef, all you do is state the problems, which anyone can do. You offer no solutions, because the scope of the problems are beyond you, just as taking the advice of the previous poster is beyond you. What a dickhead...

And don't worry about my feelings, as nothing you can say is at all that serious. BTW, do you have any other insults handy? The ones you've used thus far are getting kinda stale...

The fact that I was referring to is the fact that you had your panties all in a bunch, TINKERBELL347, because your feelings were hurt by yours truly(and others) in the general discussion section. So being the passive-aggressive internet crybaby that you are, you minced over to the P & R section in a lame attempt to get the last word in, TINKERBELL347.

Better luck next time, nancyboy.

[TJ347]

Yeah, my feelings are hurt by the comments of some anonymous asshole on an internet board. What are you... twelve years old?

"Tinkerbell", "nancyboy", "chump", "pinhead"... If I was still eleven, you'd definitely have hurt my feelings. But I'm thirty-one. Got anything more age appropriate for me? Please do try. I'd like to see if you can make me give a shit...

[guyone]

Hey what about my feelings???

[chefmike]

It's only tough love, gump. Most of us progressives here find you to be amusing and witty(in a short-bus sort-of-way), when you're not being tedious, of course.

But TINKERBELL347 is a 'special needs' case that I quite frankly don't have the time to indulge. Perhaps you could take him under your wing, gumpster...no child left behind, right?

[guyone]

"You like me, you really like me!"

(Sally Field in 1985)



PS-I am NEVER tedious. Trying, maybe.

[chefmike]

More on the latest 'homeland security' hoax -

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/the-jfk-pipeline-plot-_b_51051.html

[North_of_60]

Goldstein the terrorist from Orwell's novel 1984 was fabricated by the Party...

Winston : "Does the Brotherhood exist?"
O'Brien : "That, Winston, you will never know. If we choose to set you free when we have finished with you, and if you live to be ninety years old, still you will never learn whether the answer to that question is Yes or No. As long as you live it will be an unsolved riddle in your mind."

[guyone]

Wasn't Goldstein that tailor down on Orchard Street?

[North_of_60]

We're talking literature now, Gumpone.

[guyone]

Did you have to resort to name calling?

[North_of_60]

No, I don't. I'm sorry.
But you calling every progressist or humanist poster on this forum a bolshevic, comie, etc. is quite annoying.

Have you read Orwell's 1984?

It's a facinating novel, especially in 2007, when we see great world powers such as the USA, the EU, Russia, and now the 4th one, China, taking places much like the novel's fictional ones : Eurasia, Oceania, and Eastasia.

We must stop thinking the world as the old schemes : right, left, communism, facism, etc. These ideas don't exist anymore. G.H.W. Bush's New World Order is no pretention or myth, it's a fact. And the fight is taking place right now, before our eyes, in Africa and Middle-East. Capitalism is now the dominant ideology ; it has won it's past war againt communism- wich is o.k. with me, don't get me wrong.-

What we need to understand, in our times, is that liberty and democracy have been the flag, the essence, of the capitalism victory. Now the real question is : Does capitalism need democracy anymore ? An sadly, on this dramatic issue, China is leading the way.

China has nothing to do with communism. It is now acting as one big company with a formidable army to control it's labour forces and it's geopolitcal positions.

What a humanist fears most is great ideas like liberty and democracy submitting to more pragmatism dehumanized ones like capitalism. When we see what has happened in the US since 9/11, one must be vigilant.

With that perspective in mind reading 1984 today is quite worrying.

And this concern, Guyone, has nothing to do with being a maoist, commie, etc.

[guyone]

I read 1984. I also read Silas Marner. I liked 1984 better.

China is going through a very drastic change due to some radical thinking and bold moves. As their society evolves their political system will have to change to one that is more democratic.

I feel the real worrisome problem our society faces is the threat the thought police impose on citizens. It's better to shit all over someone's fucked up, shitty ideas than to force them to abide by the guidelines of political correctness.

[North_of_60]

China is going through a very drastic change due to some radical thinking and bold moves. As their society evolves their political system will have to change to one that is more democratic.

This, we'll see. It's either one way or another. Look at what's going on in Russia. Putin and friends seems pretty fast on the plutonium-238 spiced suchi in dealing with opposition.


I feel the real worrisome problem our society faces is the threat the thought police impose on citizens. It's better to shit all over someone's fucked up, shitty ideas than to force them to abide by the guidelines of political correctness.

Yes, indeed. Mass media is one way to control a population by setting up the guidelines of political correctess. We have a remarkable example in the US, with the media involvement in the run up to the Irak War. At that time, being against the war was being un-patriotic. (Even a progressive newssource as the NY Times got caught in the trend) When you control the message, you control the truth. Thought police ? I think so

And setting up paranoïa is one effective way to control the message. Wich brings us back to the subject of this thead.

[guyone]

Doesn't seem to be working too well. The country seems to be split in half.

[chefmike]

Doesn't seem to be working too well. The country seems to be split in half.

Not bloody likely, gump. Don't believe everything that you hear on FAUX news. It's more like an 80/20 split...which would make you one of the 20 percenters, pilgrim...

[guyone]

80% Democrat to 20% Republican???

Are you kidding me? You derogatory expletive!