Downer topic... DONT read if ya are a happy chap!!

[Jennifer_English]

I moved to Stevenage 2 yrs ago to be with my BF...

I had a hard time being accepted here as TS are like NON-Existant...

I was told about a pub.. (apparantly the worst in Stevenage) NOT to go there....

Being a rebel and baseing my life on NOT giving a 'F' what people think... (red rag to a bull) I went STR8 there!!!

It was a cool pub, allthough shut now... had the best 'real' - 'spit n sawdust' people i've ever met..

Anyway....the first few weeks there were hard.. I was VERY different to them... BUT up-front... (I am proud of my TS'ness..)... of course now they all know me now... (12 months later) and im V. popular....... but at the time I had no-one.....

This guy called Dec befriended me and despite everyones 'piss taking' was the ONLY guy ( for at least 1-2 months) that gave a shit about me and stood up for me...despite the WHOLE pub takin tha piss....

Nowadays.. a LOT of people here love me.. (probably for tha 'freak factor' but hey.. at least I have friends..!

so..

Last night... Dec hung himself and died...

I feel SO guilty....

I wish he could have talked to me as I saw him that day...AND had NO idea..

Bums me out man...

Anyone else been here?

I just wish I could have helped.....

?

[luv4Tgirls]

I am sorry to hear that about your friend. I can't think any good words of comfort, but at least you were able to get to know him.

[Prospero]

Hello Jennifer. I imagine you feel anger and hurt and just plain grief. I suspect that your friend was destined for this and perhaps your friendship helped forstall the day. So that might be the best most positive thing for you to focus on. Being his friend - both of you maybe outsiders in your own ways - gave him strength to forge ahead longer than he might.
It's tough the world....love

[TGL]

I'm so sorry to hear that Jen and I hope you are able to get over it, without to many psychological scars. I really don't think you should feel guilty though! What happened to your friend is sad, but in the end it was his own decision and that is not your fault.
I can't say I know you in person (unfortunately), but it seems you've had your share of personal problems, just in the short time I've been on this board, so I really hope you can get over this as fast and good as possible, after such a tragic event. I hope your bf can help you through it and some of your other friends can be of help too.
I'm sure all of this board wishes you all the best and hope you are back on top as fast as possible, but no matter what we say in here, most of us are still just faceless freaks to you. Nothing we can say will help you as much as a hug from a friend and some soothing words.

Once again though: All the best to you Jen! You are loved by lots of people!

[SkyTwo]

Isolation can be refreshing or nightmarish. Either way there's something missing, whether it's the presence of other people or not. I haven't shared your experience, of course, but I'm no stranger to the feeling. Probably the worst part of it is that there's nothing more helpful anyone can say than "soldier on," the least comforting words anyone ever said and the most villainous line in every war film ever made. You're still in control of your existential dilemma, and it's up to you to do with your life what you will. It won't always bring us a crown of laurels, and it can even mean endless heartache. But living life as you see fit-- whether sticking it in people's faces, making concessions in the name of harmony, or simply trying to be a better person-- is something you can claim as your own.

To paraphrase some really, really old Chinese texts, shrimp can look at a whale and be amazed, while a whale can look at a mountain and be amazed. But it's your choice. Make up your own mind.

[scroller]

That sucks. Sorry to hear that.

[xfiver]

DO NOT accept any sort of responsibilty for this whatsoever!

He would have done it no matter.

LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[justatransgirl]

Hi Jeniffer, I'm also sorry about your friend. Not knowing the whole story it's hard to comment without sounding condensending.

As others have said it is NOT your fault. However that's easily said. You wonder why your friend if he was so unhappy didn't confide in you. Perhaps what he was doing was saying goodbye in his own fashion.

As someone who has given suicide considerable thought and introspection in the past I have come to the conclusion that each individual has the right to move on at a time of their own choosing.

Some choose to exercise their option, even though it isn't commonly accepted by society. Much like trans people.

Some also have problems they see as insurmountable. Others simply are bored and tired of the same old boring sh** and quit.

And sadly those left will often never know the why.

But you can honor your friend by remembering the good times.

Hugs,
TS Jamie

[AllanahStarrNYC]

I am really sorry about your loss- I found out this week someone I worked with for a few years in Miami seven years ago passed away this week. So I can comprehend.

It is hard when a person passes that you have not seen in a while or you feel you would have been able to help in a way. But don't feel guilty- it's not your fault.

[traumatism]

omg jen. im so sorry to hear about that. that truly sucks. at least he had a good friend like you around

[tsafficianado]

very sorry for your sadness Jennifer

in 11th grade on a teachers' workday two friends and their girlfriends went to a local park to fly kites and burn hemp. it was one of those incredibly gorgeous spring days, achingly beautiful. one of the guys excused himself to go behind the grammar school for a leak and shortly the others heard a 'crack', ran around the corner and found him thrashing and gasping his last couple of breaths. no one has ever figured out why. his girlfriend was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet and loved him dearly. he had two little sisters who worshipped him. i see one of his sisters on occasion, twenty years after the fact, and you can still see the loss in her eyes.
every situation is different, but in the case of many young people who take this route i think - PERMANENT SOLUTION FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. that is sad.

there's a train every day, leaving either way
there's a world to know, and there's a way to go
(Bonnie Raitt...Opening Farewell)

[Kriss]

When my brother was at Uni, one of his mates called up one night wanting to meet up for a beer and a chat. My brother made some excuse and didn't go. Turned out the guy had phoned a few friends that night , nobody had time to meet him . Then he killed himself. Of course my bro blames himself for it and it kinda fucked up his Uni exams, the signs were ther, the guy in question was a depressive, I met him once and noticed the huge slash scars on both wrists. In that situation it's pretty hard not to feel some responsibility but it sounds like in your case there were no obviuos signs so how could you know?
The hardest thing is realising that someone felt so utterly alone and had no way of expressing it. One schoolfriend came home to find her mother hanging. shit , this really is a downer

[LG]

I moved to Stevenage 2 yrs ago to be with my BF...

I had a hard time being accepted here as TS are like NON-Existant...

I was told about a pub.. (apparantly the worst in Stevenage) NOT to go there....

Being a rebel and baseing my life on NOT giving a 'F' what people think... (red rag to a bull) I went STR8 there!!!

It was a cool pub, allthough shut now... had the best 'real' - 'spit n sawdust' people i've ever met..

Anyway....the first few weeks there were hard.. I was VERY different to them... BUT up-front... (I am proud of my TS'ness..)... of course now they all know me now... (12 months later) and im V. popular....... but at the time I had no-one.....

This guy called Dec befriended me and despite everyones 'piss taking' was the ONLY guy ( for at least 1-2 months) that gave a shit about me and stood up for me...despite the WHOLE pub takin tha piss....

Nowadays.. a LOT of people here love me.. (probably for tha 'freak factor' but hey.. at least I have friends..!

so..

Last night... Dec hung himself and died...

I feel SO guilty....

I wish he could have talked to me as I saw him that day...AND had NO idea..

Bums me out man...

Anyone else been here?

I just wish I could have helped.....

?

I was reading this and feeling happy for you when you said that you were starting to get on with people...and then came the line about your friend.

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was a really nice guy, perhaps a little different, but aren't we all here? Sometimes it's hard to be strong and easier to let go. Who knows what it finally was, this straw that broke the camel's back, but if you couldn't have seen it coming and if he didn't ask for help, then there's no reason to feel guilty.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. All you can do is remember your friend fondly. He didn't realise it, perhaps, but he did a great deal of good, by helping you overcome the difficult times.

I don't think he wants you to cry. A thought and a smile now and again are probably what he'd want.

[Jennifer_English]

To everyone that posted....

Thanks for your kind words of sympathy. Also so sorry to hear about your own personal stories....

Still very down about what happened and have the funeral this week.... A chance to say my thanks for being such a good friend and my goodbye i guess..

Suppose it happens to us all eventually.... intentional or not...

*sigh*

xx

[Alison Faraday]

The truth is that none of us really knows what is going on inside other people's minds.

I am sorry to hear of your friend and hope that you and those who were around him come to terms with it in time. He will have sadly been suffering silently in pain for sometime and that pain is now over.

It is no one's fault. It is just the way it is.

Long before I came out I went through the long thought process of balancing suicide as the only way out and living in silence. And then I faced up to my demons by taking control of my life and trying to believe in who I am. It was a frightening time, and there are still scars as you know.

I believe in some ways that I do loosely understand what goes through someone's mind and can only speak from personal experience. It is no one's fault. Remember and cherish his memory drawing strength in your own endevours making him proud.

Things will get better. I can tell you more but I don't think this is the time or the place.

Aly xx

[peggygee]

Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss.

My condolences to you, his friends and
family.

[BeardedOne]

So sorry to hear about your friend, Jennifer. I hope you can work through it and come out ahead.

I speak from both sides of the coin, having lost friends and having considered the ultimate exit a few times myself.

In the end, there's not much you can do except try and believe that you have been the best friend that you can be. I'm sure that, in your case, this was so. Yet those of us on the edge have our good and bad days and there is rarely one thing or one individual that we can point to that turns us.

I've been fortunate that, in times of extreme decision, I've chanced upon those that loved me or treasured my friendship, or recognized how my life has affected others, and it gives me pause.

Having lost friends and acquaintences to "unfortunate demise", I can understand where you're at in this time. Buck up, bend an ear (Or eyeball, as it were) and move on as best you can.

[Ecstatic]

My deepest sympathies, Jennifer. It sounds like you and he really connected, on a very meaningful level, and to lose him like that is tragic. I've lost loved ones, though only once to suicide decades ago, so I can only remotely empathize, but as all have said, it isn't your fault. We do what we can in one another's lives, but we can't be responsible for them ultimately, only for how we are in relation to them.

[Quinn]

Jennifer, my condolences on the loss of your friend.

-Quinn

[CORVETTEDUDE]

Jen....I'm very sorry for your lose, and the pain you must feel. I have lost a friend in that manner. Alison is right, you can think you know, but ultimately NEVER know what's on other people's minds. It is right to morn the loss, but don't assume responsibility for what happened. Keep your chin up!