Stray
04-28-2007, 03:45 AM
This is really for the fellas, but the ladies might get some perspective from this. I've been dumped recently and it's kinda cathartic and reassuring to think this over.
I have been dumped on many occasions for many reasons, for over a decade. I understand that there are many who have never had a girlfriend, many on their first relationship, and many more with little experience with being dumped. Take my advice as you will, but I can guarantee you that when the day comes (and it will), you will be better prepared for it. And hopefully won't end up being a huge whiny emo bitch.
Rule 1: The relationship is over.
This is the most important rule of all. You need to go back to it at least once every minute in the aftermath of being dumped. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for moving on. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.
There are three basic parts to being dumped:
1. Premonition
2. Dump
3. Post-dump.
Premonition
I have been dumped many times. There has never been an instance where it is random. For every single relationship, from shortest to longest there has been a period of time where the breakup is planned. For the person about to get dumped, this period is called premonition. I have always felt a breakup coming, and it is physically a worse feeling than the breakup itself. There is little communication between the couples, an intense feeling of uncertainty, and a strong desire to make it better. The longer the premonition stage lasts, the more apt you are be stupid.
Things to avoid:
-Do not go beyond the bounds of your relationship. Don't start saying, "I love you" if that's not what you normally do.
-Resist the urge to sulk. Do whatever it takes to get your mind away from it. Get the fuck out of bed, go to the gym, go for a walk, find some friends, smoke some pot, do whatever it is that you do to de-stress.
-Do not start screwing around. The relationship isn't over yet. You might get yourself into some serious trouble.
-Don't beat her to the punch, unless you had plans already.
Things to do:
-Hey, here's an idea: talk to her. "Hey, what's going on with us, things have been kind of weird lately." Sure, it might lead to breaking up faster, but that's the point. If it's going to happen, might as well not torture yourself.
-Try working things out. I know, it's easier to post a blog on myspace than to talk logically to another human being, but take it from me - it can work. If you really care for the relationship, and she's not cheating on your sorry ass, there's room for work. I've found that the best times I've had were after we've worked things out.
Dump
Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss:
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Despair
5. Acceptance
It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you'll experience at least 3 of them. The most popular are bargaining, anger and despair.
Denial - Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn't help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1.
Bargaining - Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it's over, it's over.
Anger - So you're pissed. Get over it.
Despair - This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. Don't make her feel bad for you or pity you. She'll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don't play that card.
Acceptance - Time to let go, man. Rule 1.
Now you may want to start asking questions about why and all that. DON'T! You're unlikely to get a truthful or straight response. You may never know why. Too bad. If you HAVE to ask questions, try to stick to: When did things start to suck? What caused it? Otherwise don't bother.
And when she drops you, indicate that you don't want to see her/talk to her for a while. It's gonna help for what's up next.
Post-Dump
This is a very long phase. You need to accept this.
You just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the shit out of something, go for a run, post a myspace blog (maybe go for a run first). Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I'm going to be a pile of emotional shit for the next hour, then I'm going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you're a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it.
Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they'll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc.
Go out, live life normally, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. Joining the Army doesn't help, running away doesn't help, you won't get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won't get her back if you vandalize her property. Don't fuck her sister/friends, don't go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective.
Just get on with your life. That's the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There's a huge list if things you shouldn't do, because they're very annoying, and you'll feel stupid about it later.
Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it'll take you back about 2 months. Then you'll recover, and the next time you see her it'll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I'm getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don't think it'll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you're certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don't need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don't want to see her.
Don't play the pity card. Yes, you're upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that. Remember Rule 1? Don't go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She's not going to want you back, you fucking pansy.
Don't go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mother fucker. Secondly, girls are evil and will do shitty things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn't want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she'll call you up and say so. Or not. But trying to be around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really shitty. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo.
Don't start looking for answers. Even if you tried you're not gonna get what you want to hear. Don't call/IM/email/text her friends. Yes, they're close to her and they know what's going on. Chances are, they won't tell you what you want to know. They're her friends first, yours second. Do you really want to know if she's seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She's going through her own healing process, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she'll hate you for snooping.
On a similar note - DON'T FUCKING STALK HER. This includes checking her myspace/livejournal/facebook.
The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can't remember and didn't cover, so be prepared for anything. Of course, I welcome and urge the advice and experience of anyone else. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you'll move on.
DISCLAIMER: It's almost certain that anyone who has read this and is going to get dumped for their first time will not follow my advice.
I have been dumped on many occasions for many reasons, for over a decade. I understand that there are many who have never had a girlfriend, many on their first relationship, and many more with little experience with being dumped. Take my advice as you will, but I can guarantee you that when the day comes (and it will), you will be better prepared for it. And hopefully won't end up being a huge whiny emo bitch.
Rule 1: The relationship is over.
This is the most important rule of all. You need to go back to it at least once every minute in the aftermath of being dumped. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for moving on. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.
There are three basic parts to being dumped:
1. Premonition
2. Dump
3. Post-dump.
Premonition
I have been dumped many times. There has never been an instance where it is random. For every single relationship, from shortest to longest there has been a period of time where the breakup is planned. For the person about to get dumped, this period is called premonition. I have always felt a breakup coming, and it is physically a worse feeling than the breakup itself. There is little communication between the couples, an intense feeling of uncertainty, and a strong desire to make it better. The longer the premonition stage lasts, the more apt you are be stupid.
Things to avoid:
-Do not go beyond the bounds of your relationship. Don't start saying, "I love you" if that's not what you normally do.
-Resist the urge to sulk. Do whatever it takes to get your mind away from it. Get the fuck out of bed, go to the gym, go for a walk, find some friends, smoke some pot, do whatever it is that you do to de-stress.
-Do not start screwing around. The relationship isn't over yet. You might get yourself into some serious trouble.
-Don't beat her to the punch, unless you had plans already.
Things to do:
-Hey, here's an idea: talk to her. "Hey, what's going on with us, things have been kind of weird lately." Sure, it might lead to breaking up faster, but that's the point. If it's going to happen, might as well not torture yourself.
-Try working things out. I know, it's easier to post a blog on myspace than to talk logically to another human being, but take it from me - it can work. If you really care for the relationship, and she's not cheating on your sorry ass, there's room for work. I've found that the best times I've had were after we've worked things out.
Dump
Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss:
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Despair
5. Acceptance
It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you'll experience at least 3 of them. The most popular are bargaining, anger and despair.
Denial - Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn't help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1.
Bargaining - Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it's over, it's over.
Anger - So you're pissed. Get over it.
Despair - This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. Don't make her feel bad for you or pity you. She'll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don't play that card.
Acceptance - Time to let go, man. Rule 1.
Now you may want to start asking questions about why and all that. DON'T! You're unlikely to get a truthful or straight response. You may never know why. Too bad. If you HAVE to ask questions, try to stick to: When did things start to suck? What caused it? Otherwise don't bother.
And when she drops you, indicate that you don't want to see her/talk to her for a while. It's gonna help for what's up next.
Post-Dump
This is a very long phase. You need to accept this.
You just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the shit out of something, go for a run, post a myspace blog (maybe go for a run first). Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I'm going to be a pile of emotional shit for the next hour, then I'm going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you're a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it.
Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they'll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc.
Go out, live life normally, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. Joining the Army doesn't help, running away doesn't help, you won't get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won't get her back if you vandalize her property. Don't fuck her sister/friends, don't go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective.
Just get on with your life. That's the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There's a huge list if things you shouldn't do, because they're very annoying, and you'll feel stupid about it later.
Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it'll take you back about 2 months. Then you'll recover, and the next time you see her it'll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I'm getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don't think it'll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you're certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don't need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don't want to see her.
Don't play the pity card. Yes, you're upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that. Remember Rule 1? Don't go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She's not going to want you back, you fucking pansy.
Don't go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mother fucker. Secondly, girls are evil and will do shitty things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn't want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she'll call you up and say so. Or not. But trying to be around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really shitty. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo.
Don't start looking for answers. Even if you tried you're not gonna get what you want to hear. Don't call/IM/email/text her friends. Yes, they're close to her and they know what's going on. Chances are, they won't tell you what you want to know. They're her friends first, yours second. Do you really want to know if she's seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She's going through her own healing process, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she'll hate you for snooping.
On a similar note - DON'T FUCKING STALK HER. This includes checking her myspace/livejournal/facebook.
The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can't remember and didn't cover, so be prepared for anything. Of course, I welcome and urge the advice and experience of anyone else. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you'll move on.
DISCLAIMER: It's almost certain that anyone who has read this and is going to get dumped for their first time will not follow my advice.