chefmike
02-07-2007, 04:21 AM
Ask W! George's Conservative Advice for More Compassionate Living
Dear W,
My next door neighbor (I'll call him "Barry") might be a gun owner. I know he subscribes to "Guns and Ammo" because our ethnic-looking mailman accidentally delivered "Barry's" mail to my house. It concerns me that someone in my neighborhood might have a dangerous firearm in his house. What should I do?
Concerned in Lakewood
Dear Concerned,
Most advisors would tell you to check with your neighborhood association or with law enforcement regarding your legal options regarding "Barry" but this is too complex an issue. First, I want to let you know that I am a firm supporter of the NRA and they of me. Guns are good. But that's not the issue here. The issue seems to be more about your discomfort with a neighbor who may or may not possess a gun or two. You really have no choice. You must buy a gun and break in to Barry's home and find out if he is indeed a gun owner. If you must shoot Barry or members of his family so be it. Your peace of mind is at stake. If it turns out that Barry doesn't own a gun or ammo, just tell the arresting officer that you actually broke in because Barry was mistreating his family and you felt it was your duty to protect them. Stay the course. Good luck to you.
Love Ya, W
Dear W,
I am a supervisor at a small grocery store. One of my best checkers, "Mia," recently quit and I need to fill her position. I want to give the job to a hardworking box boy named Larry but my boss wants me to hire his sexy, flirtatious sister who has no experience in the grocery business. What should I do?
Frantic In Aisle Five
Dear Frantic,
You don't say if your boss gets the final decision or not. If you are the decider, you should hire the one that will be most loyal to you. I think it might to be hard to find a "hard-working box boy named Larry." Besides the name "Larry" makes me think he's probably American. You can do a lot toward helping your store's bottom line if you hire a Mexican for the job. You can underpay him and deny him benefits. If he complains you can have him deported. The fact that your boss's sister is sexy and flirtatious should play no part in your decision. But you mention that she has no experience. Now that's a good reason to hire her.
Love Ya, W
Dear W,
My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have three children. His parents visit us every Sunday between noon and three. The children are attached to them but I have one nagging complaint. Every time they visit they pull into our driveway and destroy the begonias that I am continuously replanting along the driveway's edge. How can I tactfully tell them that there is plenty of room in the driveway and they need not trample my flowers every week?
Begonia Lover in San Antonio
Dear Begonia Lover,
What's there to love about Begonias? To each his own I guess. Though I don't agree with you about the value of your flowers, it's clear that your in-laws should be killed. If I was still your Governor, I could have found a way to neatly execute them for you. In your case it might be best to poison them. Anti-freeze in cold lemonade is very tidy and should bring about the desired result. You can simply tell the kids that grandma and grandpa died of natural causes. When Laura tries to kill me she just hands me a bag of extra-thick pretzels. I know I'm in trouble when that happens. I'm glad to hear that you have given birth to three children. If it were up to those godless liberals, those precious babies would have been aborted. Praise the Lord. Abortion is wrong!
Love Ya, W
Dear Readers:
I'm not going to lie to you. Things are not going that good (sic) for me. I have consistently gotten (sic) the lowest approval ratings since Richard Nixon right before he resigned in disgrace. Historians, although a liberal lot, are already sayin' that I'm the worst president in U.S. history. Who knew that I'd surpass my father, Herbert Hoover, Warren G. Harding and Bob Dole in this disturbin' category? Lately, I've had the feelin' that Laura and the twins are embarrassed to be seen with me. My mother, a status-hungry crank, has admitted as much.
The Democrat (sic) party and those godless liberals aren't readin' this so I feel like gettin' comfortable and confessin' a few things to you all. I thank you for your loyalty but let's face it, every move I have made as President has been a disaster except my wise decision to mire our country in war in Iraq. Before that, I ran for congriss (sic) and lost. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find no (sic) oil in Texas and the company went bankrupt right after I sold all my stock. As owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, I am best remembered as the guy who traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
I was elected Governor of Texas. No really, I actually got the most votes. Of course Daddy helped a lot and Karl smeared everyone that threatened to get in my way. But I really got the most votes in two elections. I worked very hard as Governor and changed pollution laws to favor power and oil companies. You know, by the time I left office to be your President, Texas was the most polluted state in the Union. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I'm gonna come clean here. It's healin'; it's a way to heal. I have had a few convictions for drunk drivin' but just one in Maine. Thank God that Daddy had my Texas driving record expunjed (sic). And yes of course it's true that I went AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military durin' a time of war.
But that's all in my past. This column is my chance to embark on a new adventure. I've always been a big fan of "Deer (sic) Abby." I think it's my callin' to give advice to my fans. I mean if a deer can do it so can I. People always talk about negative stuff but did you know that a full 29% of the U.S. population adore me and think I'm doing one heckuva job? That's a heckuva lotta people. I'm doing this for them. So come on you guys. Write to me. Ask W. I've got advice for every member of the family, for the lovelorn, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses, the wretched refuse, the homeless and the tempest-tost. I'll solve every problem with genuine conservative compassion.
Love Ya, W (sick)
Have a problem that seems impossible to solve? Ask W. Write to "Dear W" at "askw.on.the.internets.com."
http://smirkingchimp.com/thread/5304
Dear W,
My next door neighbor (I'll call him "Barry") might be a gun owner. I know he subscribes to "Guns and Ammo" because our ethnic-looking mailman accidentally delivered "Barry's" mail to my house. It concerns me that someone in my neighborhood might have a dangerous firearm in his house. What should I do?
Concerned in Lakewood
Dear Concerned,
Most advisors would tell you to check with your neighborhood association or with law enforcement regarding your legal options regarding "Barry" but this is too complex an issue. First, I want to let you know that I am a firm supporter of the NRA and they of me. Guns are good. But that's not the issue here. The issue seems to be more about your discomfort with a neighbor who may or may not possess a gun or two. You really have no choice. You must buy a gun and break in to Barry's home and find out if he is indeed a gun owner. If you must shoot Barry or members of his family so be it. Your peace of mind is at stake. If it turns out that Barry doesn't own a gun or ammo, just tell the arresting officer that you actually broke in because Barry was mistreating his family and you felt it was your duty to protect them. Stay the course. Good luck to you.
Love Ya, W
Dear W,
I am a supervisor at a small grocery store. One of my best checkers, "Mia," recently quit and I need to fill her position. I want to give the job to a hardworking box boy named Larry but my boss wants me to hire his sexy, flirtatious sister who has no experience in the grocery business. What should I do?
Frantic In Aisle Five
Dear Frantic,
You don't say if your boss gets the final decision or not. If you are the decider, you should hire the one that will be most loyal to you. I think it might to be hard to find a "hard-working box boy named Larry." Besides the name "Larry" makes me think he's probably American. You can do a lot toward helping your store's bottom line if you hire a Mexican for the job. You can underpay him and deny him benefits. If he complains you can have him deported. The fact that your boss's sister is sexy and flirtatious should play no part in your decision. But you mention that she has no experience. Now that's a good reason to hire her.
Love Ya, W
Dear W,
My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have three children. His parents visit us every Sunday between noon and three. The children are attached to them but I have one nagging complaint. Every time they visit they pull into our driveway and destroy the begonias that I am continuously replanting along the driveway's edge. How can I tactfully tell them that there is plenty of room in the driveway and they need not trample my flowers every week?
Begonia Lover in San Antonio
Dear Begonia Lover,
What's there to love about Begonias? To each his own I guess. Though I don't agree with you about the value of your flowers, it's clear that your in-laws should be killed. If I was still your Governor, I could have found a way to neatly execute them for you. In your case it might be best to poison them. Anti-freeze in cold lemonade is very tidy and should bring about the desired result. You can simply tell the kids that grandma and grandpa died of natural causes. When Laura tries to kill me she just hands me a bag of extra-thick pretzels. I know I'm in trouble when that happens. I'm glad to hear that you have given birth to three children. If it were up to those godless liberals, those precious babies would have been aborted. Praise the Lord. Abortion is wrong!
Love Ya, W
Dear Readers:
I'm not going to lie to you. Things are not going that good (sic) for me. I have consistently gotten (sic) the lowest approval ratings since Richard Nixon right before he resigned in disgrace. Historians, although a liberal lot, are already sayin' that I'm the worst president in U.S. history. Who knew that I'd surpass my father, Herbert Hoover, Warren G. Harding and Bob Dole in this disturbin' category? Lately, I've had the feelin' that Laura and the twins are embarrassed to be seen with me. My mother, a status-hungry crank, has admitted as much.
The Democrat (sic) party and those godless liberals aren't readin' this so I feel like gettin' comfortable and confessin' a few things to you all. I thank you for your loyalty but let's face it, every move I have made as President has been a disaster except my wise decision to mire our country in war in Iraq. Before that, I ran for congriss (sic) and lost. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find no (sic) oil in Texas and the company went bankrupt right after I sold all my stock. As owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, I am best remembered as the guy who traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
I was elected Governor of Texas. No really, I actually got the most votes. Of course Daddy helped a lot and Karl smeared everyone that threatened to get in my way. But I really got the most votes in two elections. I worked very hard as Governor and changed pollution laws to favor power and oil companies. You know, by the time I left office to be your President, Texas was the most polluted state in the Union. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I'm gonna come clean here. It's healin'; it's a way to heal. I have had a few convictions for drunk drivin' but just one in Maine. Thank God that Daddy had my Texas driving record expunjed (sic). And yes of course it's true that I went AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military durin' a time of war.
But that's all in my past. This column is my chance to embark on a new adventure. I've always been a big fan of "Deer (sic) Abby." I think it's my callin' to give advice to my fans. I mean if a deer can do it so can I. People always talk about negative stuff but did you know that a full 29% of the U.S. population adore me and think I'm doing one heckuva job? That's a heckuva lotta people. I'm doing this for them. So come on you guys. Write to me. Ask W. I've got advice for every member of the family, for the lovelorn, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses, the wretched refuse, the homeless and the tempest-tost. I'll solve every problem with genuine conservative compassion.
Love Ya, W (sick)
Have a problem that seems impossible to solve? Ask W. Write to "Dear W" at "askw.on.the.internets.com."
http://smirkingchimp.com/thread/5304