Trying to discover myself

[kimisabella13]

I want everyone to play psychiatrist for me

Hello everybody, I'm a 26 year old intellectual man who is constantly searching for answers to complicated questions. As you may have guessed, I am also a crossdresser; so hopefully, my search for answers can lead me to some truths that I may in turn use to help others in this tough spot. I want to give you background information and then I'll leave it up for you guys and girls to comment what you think my case is.

As stated above, I am 26. My curiosity with crossdressing began around age 5 or 6. I don't have anything I can point to as THE event that started my interest. My sister dressed me up as a girl when I was 3 or 4, but I don't remember any powerful feelings from it and it wasn't until a good while later my urges began.
During my childhood I would fantasize about wearing dresses and other feminine garments but other than that I was essentially like a "typical" boy. I liked sports, playing with trucks, all that stuff.
When I was around 12, I finally decided to sneak into my sister's room and try on her dresses, panties, bras, high heels, etc. I felt a tremendous amount of excitement whenever I would dress. Although I considered it arousing, I didn't masturbate while dressed; I didn't even masturbate to the idea until I was 14.
When this started, my fantasies would involve me getting fully decked out en femme, usually for something formal like a prom or ball. However, I was turned on solely by the thought of being a woman; the idea of having sex as one was yet to enter my mind due to a mix of shame and repression.
I started watching crossdressers and drag queen videos on YouTube and masturbating when I was 16-17. That eventually became crossdresser porn and shemale porn.
At 24, I decided to quit watching porn and was successful for about 3 months but my urges that were weak at first kept getting stronger and stronger and I eventually relapsed and began watching again. I was successful however in cutting back the amount I watched and letting it control less of my life.

This may seem graphic but people who are in my situation will understand why it's necessary. Whenever I masturbate, try to get aroused, or have sex, I picture myself as the female or as the feminized male having sex with men. In my fantasies, I'm servicing strong masculine men and being submissive to them. However, the men I picture are always faceless and without identity. I feel like my interest is primarily in the man's penis; not the man. I'm sexually interested in men but I've never felt interest in a romantic relationship with a man.

I tried to cut porn out recently again and was successful for about a month and a half and the urge to watch and dress came back strong as ever (I purged all of my things before this time).

I'm not going to let this depress me. I've gotten much better at accepting things as they are and I now believe crossdressing is perfectly healthy and normal and does no harm to anyone whatsoever.

Recap of the Facts:

-Thoughts about dressing as a girl started around age 5

-Have existed regularly for the last 20 years

-Started masturbation around 14

-Started watching crossdresser and drag queen videos on YouTube and masturbating at 16, progressed to crossdresser porn and shemale porn at 20

-Tried quitting porn and having crossdressing fantasies at 24 and 26. Was successful for about 3 and 1 months respectively but then urges returned even stronger

-Pretend I'm the girl during sex

-Fantasize about sex with faceless identity-less men

-Thinking about large erect penises arouses me

-Romantic interest in females, however when I have sex with them I usually picture myself as the girl to ejaculate.

-I don't fantasize about having a vagina like most transpeople

Key things to notice: my sexual interest has lied almost exclusively with me picturing myself as a girl. Basically my entire life that has been my thought. I see myself with females, but it is difficult because I feel like I'll enjoy sex with men while dressed en femme much more than sex with women.

So what do you guys think? What would you classify me as? Do you think being a crossdresser is a choice? I certainly find it hard to believe it's a choice since it was something in my brain well before sexual feelings existed.

[GroobySteven]

"Started masturbation around 14" ???
"What would you classify me as?"


Just a horny bi- dude who started masturbating far too late in life.

[Stavros]

So what do you guys think? What would you classify me as? Do you think being a crossdresser is a choice? I certainly find it hard to believe it's a choice since it was something in my brain well before sexual feelings existed.

If you really feel that your sexual identity is causing problems in your life, a qualified sexual therapist may help. If you are in the UK the link below may help, and some of this therapy may be free on the NHS but I can't confirm that. If you are in another country searching using the keywords 'sexual therapist' ought to help.

http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/1683.aspx?CategoryID=68

[daBXitalian]

You are who you are. Dont be ashamed of anything.
You should act on your urges,not reoress them. You want to dress up as a woman? Do it. Want to fuck dudes. Call me,). Do whatever u like,fuck everyone else.

[fred41]

I hate when people classify themselves as being an 'intellectual'...other than that, nothing particularly weird.

[kimisabella13]

Thank you I appreciate your comment. I am in the USA. I don't want to misrepresent myself...this isn't an issue that's destroying my life because I'm not letting it. I accept having this type of sexuality; I'm just wondering what people would actually classify it as. Maybe I'm a crossdreamer?

[daBXitalian]

Thank you I appreciate your comment. I am in the USA. I don't want to misrepresent myself...this isn't an issue that's destroying my life because I'm not letting it. I accept having this type of sexuality; I'm just wondering what people would actually classify it as. Maybe I'm a crossdreamer?

transvestic fetishism