An Open Letter, Q&A, and Future Plans For Krissy Kyung

[GroobyKrissy]

I'm going to break this up into separate posts / sections for readability. This is not a "goodbye" thread or anything like it, so don't freak out people! It is an open letter to everyone here to address some specific issues that have arisen lately, answer any questions directly, and tell you all of my future plans, personally and professionally. I usually consider things like this exercises in vanity but I think the time has come that I really address the Board in general and clarify my position on things.

FIRST AND FOREMOST
I would like to say "thank you" to ALL the people here at Hung Angels who have welcomed me here. I think I joined several years ago but rarely posted as it seemed like a community (there were a LOT more girls posting regularly back then) filled with outgoing, catty, witty, guys and girls who just shredded other less outgoing and less attractive people like myself. I began interacting with people here when I started doing some contract, freelance writing / blogging on behalf of Grooby Productions (thanks!) since it became part of my job description, under the screen name "GroobyKrissy". I think I first told Steven that I had hesitations about posting here because I was pretty fragile back when I was first starting out in porn... It was his "insistence" (making it part of my job) together with a promise from him that I would find my footing here, that really started me on a road of discovery and self-acceptance.

Since then, it has been a wild ride and I credit this board with a portion of the "me" that I have become... slowly I have built my character through interactions here... come out of my shell... become a stronger person... defined and cemented a worldview... learned things from a variety of people here... made friends... expanded my business...

I hope everyone here realizes what a great and special place this is here. There really is nothing like it on the Internet... and despite the sometimes harshness of the Big Guy, I hope you realize that he has the responsibility (which I think he takes seriously), outside of a purely business perspective, to insure that this continues to be place where ALL people are welcome and respected.

So, thanks... to the Fans, the non-Fans, the casual poster, the thumb-uppers, the thumbs-downers, the lovers, the haters... I would not be the person I am today without this board - of that I am certain.

[GroobyKrissy]

A BRIEF... strike that... LONG HISTORY
I have already posted most of this in my introductory article for Transformation Magazine as the Contributing Editor there. This is not a re-post of that but will helpfully fill in some holes for those of you who have been wondering and who haven't read the article.

I was adopted from South Korean when I was a baby into a middle-class family living in Central California. I was adopted along with one other child, who is not my biological brother, but obviously, one that I consider as "blood".

My adopted mother died of diabetes when I was a child. The disease was not kind to her, taking first her sight, then her legs, and finally leaving her in a state of emotional distress so bad that she seldom recognized us as family. Because my Dad worked so much to support our family, we (my brother and I) were often left at home with her, dealing with her sickness and mental status by ourselves. My Dad said that I taught myself to read in order to read books to Mom when she was awake and lucid, although I really don't remember that. I do vaguely remember reading from a very young age though and I have always had an insatiable thirst for reading books on a wide variety of issues.

Anyway, dealing with the death of Mom took different directions for us all. My brother was barely affected. My Dad was affected deeply but withdrew. It devastated me. I suddenly had recurring nightmares, oftentimes waking up screaming, and (I will admit it...) to this day, I must have a light on (whether TV or a nightlight) to sleep, which I rarely do actually.

Dad remarried only one year after my Mom's death, which now I understand was just him coping with life. Back then, I took it as a challenge to her and I HATED my Stepmom with a passion that evidenced itself as rebellion... against everything. The problem was, by this time, I had already realized that I was "different" and was already dressing up in women's clothing in the secret of my room, where I cut apart my mattress and put things like pantyhose, lipstick, and other stuff that I either stole from stores or found while digging through Mom's stuff in the basement... slips, heels...

So, who knows... was I doing that to get close to Mom once again? Or was this a "need" of a "Transsexual" nature? Back then, I didn't even know such a thing existed... all I knew is that it was, in fact, a need... not a desire. It wasn't sexual. I wasn't beating off (hadn't even discovered that yet). It was just dress up and feeling "right".

Anyway, my Dad and Japanese Stepmom marrying brought 6 more children into the household. My Brother adjusted well. I did not. It didn't help that 4 of them were girls and all were just. about. my. size.

About this time, I was also raped by my cousin during a sleepover one night. My Dad remained close to my Uncle and we would go on camping trips once a year with them... that year was really the end of my childhood.

This all came to head when my stash was finally discovered, which included items from Mom and all four of my sisters, and I was given the beating of a lifetime... besides being terribly embarrassed. Still, it was something I really couldn't stop and this "behavior" continued. Me stealing things... Mom/Dad finding them... me getting spanked... me getting put into therapy... me sitting for hours in silence with the psychologist... I just kept withdrawing.

Upon the advice of my psychologist, my parents introduced me to music. My Stepmom (who I will just refer to as Mom from now) was choir director and a talented singer so she had a piano. From moment one, I showed talent in the area of music, picking up piano, then guitar (acoustic), then cello, then violin, and some others. I think my parents thought that they had solved the problem as I would pour hours into music. The problem was, I just got smarter. Hiding stuff off site since we lived in the country where there was plenty of forest, and etc.

Anyway, the cycle continued and after thinking they had solved the "behavior", when they finally found (thanks to one of my brothers) my latest stash of clothing, I was severely punished... something that I rebelled against by swallowing a bottle of pills.

This landed me in The Garden Pavilion of Monterey Bay... a psychiatric unit, where I spent 6 months. Back then, I think there was still little understanding of Trangender or Transsexual issues and it was definitely a "curing" visit as opposed to "let's figure this out and try to understand it" type of thing. I was way too bright by then though and simply echoed back everything the Doctors and Nurses wanted me to say... which I guess counted as a "cure" since I was released. I still keep in contact with a few people from the ward to this day.

Once I was released and back home, I took out my anger on my family with a vengeance. I excelled at school but coming home was one, big, fight... always... with whoever was in the house. Obviously, the whole family knew about the "crossdressing" and it was a constant source of teasing... which I, of course, being a "boy" reacted violently to. I once hurled a record (remember those?) at my brother's face, ninja star like, and he carries the scar down his face to this day... I think it was something like 80+ stitches to close it.

Anyway, by this time, I was old enough to escape the house whenever I wanted, crawling out windows at night, down the roof, etc. (I suppose this is why I took up rock climbing later on in life). I would run away for days at a time and then just show up at home... I was about 13. My parents finally had enough and through church connections, penned a foster-parent agreement with a family in the church. I was sent to live there, in the countryside fairly removed from the city, in a very, very strict religious household.

Their tack on the subject was to keep me busy... music, studies, and missions. The school I was attending basically didn't want a lot to do with me since I excelled at classes but caused trouble otherwise. Never did drugs, started drinking, or anything like that... just fighting. For me, it truly was one of those "making up for feeling girlie by beating the crap out of just about anybody who crossed me" type of things. I also was thrown out in the world on missions, where I traveled to places like India, Costa Rica, Israel, Egypt, Hong Kong, and many more places. You really can't do missions work without it impacting you somewhat.. and I am so grateful now that I was fortunate enough to see how other parts of the world lived.

Obviously, during those trips, dressing was nearly impossible... and I adjusted to that. But, it hit like a bitch when I got back to being stateside and quite quickly, I again had hiding places, and quite a volume of clothing. By this time, I had discovered masturbation so this largely took on a sexual role for me at this point... I had no other reference point.

Dressing was my deepest and darkest secret and something that I hid at any cost. I became an expert at telling lies, weaving them with ease and becoming two people - one the good little Christian - the other... well, you know.

In my mid-late teens, I discovered the internet after buying my very first computer. It opened a WHOLE NEW WORLD up to me and I discovered pictures. By this time I was living in Oregon, part of a fairly large Christian organization on their community property. I had one roommate but we were both active in going on missions so he would be gone for months at a time. I would use that time to indulge in dressing and taking pictures... scanning them... sharing them on sites like geocities, and slowly discovering that there were guys out there who loved this sort of stuff... and other "girls" as well.

I left the community after I kind of realized I couldn't do this without being "caught" much longer. I moved back home (foster) shortly working for the family business. It wasn't long before I got lazy and stupidly left some girly items laying out where they were discovered. This led to me basically being kicked out of the house and told not return. Being a missionary for the past years, with no income other than donations, and having almost no actual work history, little savings, etc. I found myself homeless.

I got a ticket to San Francisco because I had a friend from the missionary organization that lived up there. I was able to stay with him a few days but I was COMPLETELY unprepared for living "real life". My parents did little parenting and my foster parents sent me away for so much of the time, I had little realization about how to get a job, how to work (I had never had to apply for a job before since I worked for the family business), how to exist. Eventually, I found myself ending up where homeless kids went back then... Polk Street. I was young, thin, Asian, good looking... you do the math. It is not a part of my life that I'm not proud of or one that I advertise. It was living though. So, when I hear someone say, "I come from the street"... yeah... been there, done that... really.

I was lucky. EXTREMELY LUCKY. After just a few months, I developed a friendship with one "customer" who actually took me in, cared for me, and let me do basically whatever I wanted, including dressing up. He actually encouraged it (for obvious reasons) and gave me a place to stay and be safe. He basically did what parents do... taught me how to apply for a job, how to write a resume, how to be educated, how to get insurance, how to get a car, how to... etc. etc. Eventually he had to leave San Francisco for a job offer and our relationship came to an end, although again, we still keep in contact from time to time.

I moved back up to Oregon. Got a job. Got an apartment. Got a car. Attended college. Rediscovered the Internet... and the rest is, as they say, history.

I met somebody online who said they could make this thing called a "website" for me where I could earn money. I took him up on the offer and KrissyTgirl, the site, was born. It wasn't long though before that relationship soured and we parted ways due to so business differences. I've since made-up with him and we contact each other occasionally as well.

I threw myself into creating a new website, that would be run the way I wanted... and Krissy4u - Amateur Asian Tgirl was born. I did that for a little while and figured out that to make money, you really needed a little bit of help. Enter the UP Network where my site, Krissy4u - Naughty Asian Tgirl found a home. This past year, I finally left that network.

I have vision... but I haven't the time. Even sleeping only about 4 hours a night, I simply was unable to keep up with the customer service aspects, marketing aspects, promotional aspects, and etc. and be able to pursue the vision I have. I moved my site this last year to the Grooby Girls Network to help free up some time for me and have started pursing, creating, and making the vision I have a reality.

OH... let me add... I have since reconciled with all members of my family and foster family. My Dad passed away a few years ago (more on that later) but my Stepmom is still alive (Japanese blood!). My foster parents and I are good friends and although I do not agree with their lifestyle in their entirety, they are good people. Just thought I would add that in.

[GroobyKrissy]

HOW I DEFINE MYSELF - The Transgender Spectrum
I have never, ever been one to be caught up in the silliness of labels. I think there is a true, legitimate group of people who have true, legitimate concerns about labels. But, I also think for most, it is an exercise in vanity - pure and simple. A way of showing off a "superiority" and buffering a lack of self-worth. I also believe tt is largely an academic notion that is created and furthered because a sub-set of people make a living off of it and the divisions it creates.

I think when you've seen as much of the world as I have - seen and lived in the slums of Bombay, the heartbreaking orphanages in Costa Rica, The excesses of Hong Kong, the peace and conflict in Israel... and lived everywhere from a sheltered, provided existence to one where you are literally selling yourself on the street for food... yeah... you tend to realize that HUMANITY outweighs any sort of labels that man can come up with.

That being said, labels, categories, and definitions are how we relate to people so I don't fault people for wanting to use them and define people by them.

I am a HUMAN first... and I treat people as HUMAN first. I make judgements on people based upon what you say, what you do, and how you treat other people within the confines of my direct interaction with you. I could care less if you're a Transsexual, a man, a woman, a Crossdresser, Black, White, tall, thin, fat, brilliant, dumb, blind, deaf... whatever. To me, you are HUMAN first, Friend second, and everything after that is dependent on the things I mentioned earlier.

I seldom talk about my age but I am now 37. Back when I was dealing with all this stuff... there was VERY little information about it online and certainly not through therapy (my psychologist back then - a great guy actually, but totally clueless about this particular issue). You can't "keep busy" your way out of being Transgender or Transsexual.

I was left to educate myself, learn and define things for myself. I think far too often in this digital age, people often forget that this wealth of information you literally have at your fingertips now, didn't always exist. There was a time when you had to read, had to go to a library, had to communicate with people via actual letter writing, a time when pictures downloaded via dial-up and it took a day to download a document or photo. A world without Google.

It is perhaps this realization and empathy that leads me to be more compassionate and accepting towards those in my age range and older who people are so quick to label as "CD/TV". You must realize... they had no choices. They lived in an age of no information... an age when just being "gay" was still unacceptable... IMAGINE the fears they would have as coming out as "Transsexual"! I have the greatest amount of respect and admiration for those who are my age and older who found their way through it all and lead happy fulfilling lives now. I find that amazing based upon my own, personal experiences.

SO, ME
I research things TO DEATH. It is a fault of mine for people who want a short answer from me. If I don't know, I won't comment on it. If I comment on something, it is because I'm either interested in learning about it or I already know something about it and have exhaustively researched it.

I will state definitely... I am Transsexual. I've researched it and the alternatives and that is how, if forced, I would define myself. That being said, I don't care if people think of me as a "crossdresser," "transvestite", "guy in a dress", whatever... THAT IS ON YOU. I know who I am and by my definition, I know that I am Transsexual.

I do not, under any circumstances, believe that being Transsexual is ONLY a state of being... in other words, it is not something that you're born with and know as soon as you have the cognitive skills to understand the term. I believe it CAN BE, but like ALL HUMANS, one particular case doesn't define it for the rest of humanity.

I knew I was different from a very early age and I had the cognitive ability to realize I felt more comfortable and "natural" identifying as female in dress, in manner, and etc. I overcompensated for that in a variety of ways as avenues of denial - i.e. - I acted masculine.

So, yes, I truly believe I was born with the wrong body BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO ADAPT TO THE ONE I HAVE - it is what humans excel at doing... why is this different?

I am currently at peace with my body and until I DECIDE, I will use it to the best of my ability to provide for my well-being, health, and future. This means, YES... I retain a well-paying job as a male (I'm the Office Manager for a large tech corporation). For convenience, I sometimes go out as male - running to the store, grabbing coffee, going to the movies, etc. This isn't a denial or contradicting being Transsexual... it is being smart about using what you have to provide for your future. Porn isn't forever and sooner or later, I will quit it and move on to other things. Trust me, you will never see me standing against a wall, selling myself again (not a slight to those who do find themselves in that circumstance). I have a 401K, a savings account, live comfortably, can buy my own things, provide for myself, and could walk out tomorrow and pay for all the surgeries I would need to "become a woman" if I wanted to. That's not bragging... that is just reality.

Look, if you want to know percentages, I live as a woman probably about 70% of the time. I travel out in PDX frequently as a woman and barely turn a head (I dress a bit differently than I do on my site). I don't know if that says something more about the accepting nature of PDX or about my "passing" ability. Either way, I really don't care. I go shopping as a woman (it is just easier to try on clothes after having wasted hundreds of dollars on items I've purchased that don't fit when I get home) - and I always let people know that I'll be using the "guys" dressing room. Nobody cares - at least where I go shopping. Anybody want proof? I'll take some pictures next time I'm out.

ALTERING MY BODY - TRANSITIONING AND HORMONES
I think that "transitioning" is such a stupid term, personally. It implies a beginning and an end... which is something that vocal, academic Transsexuals argue against (i.e. - there is no beginning - you're born Transsexual) yet use frequently, which is a self-defeating argument. Anyway, just thought I would throw that in...

To this date, I have chosen NOT to alter my body (transition) because:

1. I am at peace with it and thus don't feel the need to that some Transsexuals feel. I look in the mirror and know that I've lived my life well, and regardless of what people see as the outer shell, I sleep my few hours well, knowing I am happy and do my best to coexist with others in happiness.

2. I am a chicken. I'm not afraid to admit it. I have always hated needles and pretty much anything to do with hospitals. I think this comes from early on, because of Mom's diabetes, being in and out of hospitals all the time and smelling that "decay" smell. I can't abide hospitals and I get nervous just thinking about walking into one. It is all I can muster to get tested every other month. If you ever meet me, you'll notice there is not a mark on my body other than from scars playing soccer, and other miscellaneous stuff. I don't even have pierced ears. It's not that I'm worried about appearances (in PDX, nobody would even give it a second glance)... it is that I just hate the thought of needles... much less anything more drastic.

I've also read enough about hormones to not really want to do them. I've no complaints about my body (other than I need to lose some damn weight) and people tell me that I've got naturally developed, small breasts anyway so I don't really care about hormones. I am virtually hairless naturally and so I just don't have the need to take them to develop curves or do all the other things hormones do.

I hate my voice. So there is that. But, oh well. We play the cards we're dealt.

3. Some of you will see this reason as ludicrous and others may respect it. Either way, I don't care. When I say something, I typically mean it. I was fortunate enough to get to say "good bye" to my Dad before he passed away. On his deathbed, we talked at length about life and it was that dying conversation when he asked me not to cause my Mom any further pain (read: embarrassment). I said I would do my best.

We both knew what he was talking about without it being expressly said. I have lived up to that promise to this day, having reconciled with her. I keep this part of my life largely separate from her. I lead a private life and keep things as private as I can. My siblings all know that I have a website and I would guess that my Mom knows as well. Still, it is a subject never discussed.

It would absolutely cause her an incredible amount of embarrassment to have a son that is suddenly a daughter. She is a pillar in the church and keeps active serving there. I simply will not put her through that, period.

4. Most of my friends DON'T CARE. I have a close circle of friends that I hang out with, talk with, debate with, and etc. They all know that I have a website and live an alternative lifestyle. 2 are gay. 2 are lesbian. 4 are straight. one couple. 4 identify as "Christian" (including one gay and one lesbian). Like I said, we all agree that HUMANITY trumps our apparent differences. I have met them as a girl and as a guy... they accept me for who I am, not what I wear.

So there you have it. I hope that helps provide you all with some answers to questions that maybe you've had.

I think it is important to say, in closing this chapter... I LOVE my CD/TV/TG sisters and brothers. While I think there is a portion of them that do some very stupid and very silly, and yes... even hurtful things (to the community) by acting ignorantly, by in large, they are just people looking to be accepted in spite of their sexual proclivities.

I have never, and will never put a member of that community down or use the term "crossdresser" as a slur. You are what you are and you enjoy what you enjoy. I am not superior because I'm "passable" or was "born" Transsexual. You are every bit a person as I am a person. I typically don't engage in threads poking fun at people who aren't attractive or "passable" or that sort of stuff. I don't mind if people do, especially on a board like this... I just don't find it helpful to the visions, persona, and projects I want to move forward with doing... so abstain.

[GroobyKrissy]

THE FUTURE FOR KRISSY KYUNG

OK, for those of you who have watched or followed my career, you may have noticed that I've suddenly adopted the name "Krissy Kyung" and have been using that on social media, in writing, in email, and etc. And, I've slowly begun to use the term, "Krissy4u - Naughty Asian Tgirl" less and less.

There are few things that I do that are "accidental". In fact, when it comes to my website and business, there is almost nothing that is accidental about it. It is all thought out, marketed, and represented the way I would like it to be, which is why I don't shoot content for other sites (well, that and I haven't actually been asked in a long time OUCH TO MY PRIDE!), don't flood the internet with pictures of myself, choose my social media carefully, and try to keep a little mystery out there.

Anyway, I woke up about, oh... three or four months ago and was in the process of signing some checks for the company that I work for. And, quite suddenly, it just hit me. I HATE signing my name. I have beautiful handwriting but long ago, I created a signature that is basically just a scribble. I think I did that subconsciously because I really disliked seeing my name in print or cursive.

Anyway, this realization really got me thinking and I once again, found myself in a therapist's office. This one specializes in Transgender issues and counseling and she has been a god-send. I think I've come to a realization that while I'm not going to go home in a skirt and heels to attend church any time soon, it is time for me to live my life on my own terms.

Thus, I've begun the process of making those stupid legal changes that amounts to paperwork. On the advice of both the Therapist and a lawyer, I have begun to show a history of using the name "Krissy Kyung" as my own wherever possible.

I've also notified the HR Department at the company I work for and guess what? They don't care... I think their exact response was something like, "So, you're legally changing your name? OK, fill out these forms get it stamped and return it. We'll send out a memo when you're ready. Have a great day."

Anyway, Krissy Kyung will be my new name and hopefully within the next year, I'll have the paperwork to be "F" legally. Which means you won't see any more porn shoots with me in the public Men's restroom anymore... sad .

What that means for "transition"... I'm still working through that with my Therapist. I'm not sure yet and I still consider that a very personal and intimate decision which I probably won't share here.

I'll probably just vanish one day, my site will stop updating, you can rest assured that I have been wisped away to that special place where you finally.become.Transsexual. (That's a joke folks).

[GroobyKrissy]

MY VISION AND PROJECTS

http://www.transsexualerotica.com (I hope the mods will let me link to this please)

I know the URL is stupid and once I've established these individual projects and cemented their goals and stuff down, I'll probably break them out into separate URL's.

I've bounced this idea round in my head for a VERY long time now, but just haven't had the time really to do it. For the past year, I've been expanding my presence locally and throughout the TG community. Remember what I said about nothing being "accidental" ?

It wasn't accidental that I asked Transformation Magazine if I could work with them and I'm truly thankful for the opportunity they have given me to reach this segment of the community.

It isn't accidental that I've been trying to reach out through social media to more people both professionally and industry.

It isn't accidental that I, who have always been a low-key, don't go out and party type of person, have been attending almost all events in the Pacific Northwest - Kinkfest, Red Dress, Erotic Ball, local TG events, etc. etc. over the past year. Now, I'm actually recognized when I attend and event promoters are starting to ask me to come...

This is a plan. I'm making connections and building something that I hope will be special and unique. Hopefully something that will be a bridge between all facets of the TG community and be able to help bring some unity to a very fractured group of people.

I've always been a big-thinker, whole picture type of person, and I know this is HUGE (not head-huge... project huge - just for clarification) and some parts of it are probably destined to fail. That being said, if you don't try... I've got the big picture of what I want and I just need to make the PPW, run it by lawyers, and get everything zipped up. That's the problem with big-thinkers... the details often get overlooked and I can't really afford to let that happen here so this will be slow process.

I'm ironing these things out still and this is by-in-large NOT when I wanted to release this for public comment or display; But, as someone asked, "When will you put your money where your mouth is?"

Yeah... doing it. The Krissy4u Project is funded directly by me through revenue from my site and some other avenues of income that I'll devote to them. I've a few backers that wish to remain anonymous for now, which is fine, but this is also open to funding from anyone. I don't want this to become an indiegogo type of thing... I want this to be private, legitimate, and etc.

I will put this in writing right here. I will make NO PROFIT (not $.01) from The Krissy4u Project. Once money goes into the project, it doesn't come out unless it is specifically in support of the mission statement (still a work in progress) Donations will be completely transparent and will show up on monthly statements posted as a PDF file every month as will ALL transactions that occur through The Krissy4u Project.

Anyway, what you're seeing is a skeleton obviously. I'm about 1/4 of the way through the non-profit status paperwork... which is a big, fucking, headache. Still, from what I've seen, I think it is doable so I'm going after it. If I'm not able to get a non-profit status, I'm still going to move ahead and fund it privately and through donations because I think can be an important and valuable thing.

Anyway... OK, that about sums everything up with me. See? Transparent. I believe in it and I think I have the credibility here, within the industry, and the beginnings of outside the industry to create something good, lasting, and helpful.

Thanks y'all... been a cathartic evening!

If anyone has ANY questions regarding anything written or just questions that you've been dying to ask me, feel free. I've got a ton of work to do right now but I'll answer as I can.

[scroller]

Congrats on your decision and progress. Hope you are happier with that change.

[GroobyKrissy]

Congrats on your decision and progress. Hope you are happier with that change.

I'm happy now... but thanks . It just makes things legal, which does carry some importance to me.

[GroobyKrissy]

Ok. let's see what people think.

Thanks for your input into this thread. Personally, I did take it the way you did as well and thought, "wow... that's a bit much".

But, I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt and if Bella just meant , "goodbye" as in "leave the board", then I will take her word for it with no offense taken.

Anyway, just wanted to say "thanks". I know we don't always agree but I appreciate your standing up for me in this matter.

[christianxxx]

good luck sweetie and see you soon!

[GroobyKrissy]

good luck sweetie and see you soon!

Thanks Hon.

I'm assuming you're totally booked for the TA week? I have been meaning to DM you but have just put it off for too long, and now just assumed it was probably too late. I totally dropped the ball on that and I apologize since I said I would be in contact and neglected to follow through.

Anyway, it will be nice to finally meet you in person, regardless at the show.