Goodbye

[BellaBellucci]

I'm not but I don't particularly care about the privacy angle, tbh. Like I said in my initial post, I can't do adult work anymore -- after 8 years of estrogen my balls have finally given out and I no longer produce even a drop of cum upon climax -- so it's not like it matters one way or another what infamy or stigma becomes attached to the persona of Miranda Meadows at this point.

OK, I'm just trying to be helpful. And I totally understand what you're saying. I was in group homes when I was younger, and from what I know about them, mental wards are even worse.

... and one of my group homes had a molester in it.

Please remember that you have resources in other girls who are going through/have gone through what you are, myself included. Use us. xo

~BB~

PS: Weeeeed! <3

[tsmirandameadows]

OK, I'm just trying to be helpful. And I totally understand what you're saying. I was in group homes when I was younger, and from what I know about them, mental wards are even worse.

... and one of my group homes had a molester in it.

Please remember that you have resources in other girls who are going through/have gone through what you are, myself included. Use us. xo

~BB~

PS: Weeeeed! <3

I spent 21 months in a group home/treatment facility for "severely emotionally disturbed youth" as a teen, so I'm right there with you. I had been to a psych ward twice as a teen, but honestly the adolescent ward is very meek and mild in comparison to the adult ward. Not a pleasant experience and I would not recommend going, particularly if you are a transsexual who is still legally male. :/

As for weed, it doesn't do anything for me, lol. While pot isn't unpleasant for me, the sensation of being high, like the sensation of being drunk, isn't so profoundly enjoyable as to make me want to seek it out on a regular basis.

[francisfkudrow]

Miranda, I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you've been having, but like others have said, greatly relieved to see that you're still with us.

Even though I don't know you, I was actually worried about you over the last whatever number of days this story has been unfolding, and while you don't know this francisfkudrow character from Adam, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. I think many of us here share this view, so don't feel alone, talk to one of us.

[francisfkudrow]

Never homeless. Only time I was "homeless" was when I was "home-based" from Catasauqua, PA, but drove 18 wheelers cross country for about 4-5 months...before even moving back in with my mom and step dad in San Antonio TX.

I used to work in the Catasauqua area in the early 90's!

[tsmirandameadows]

So I've read through the whole thread now. Thank you to those who have been supportive. To be honest, I suspect any support is in vain at this point, but I do profoundly appreciate the words of kindness, support, and caring which have been said in this thread repeatedly. There were a few things that came up in the thread which I wanted to address though.

First off, I haven't had access to a phone and/or internet from Sunday evening -- when the cops and paramedics showed up as I was having a complete and utter batshit meltdown -- until about two hours ago, so I'm a bit confused by reports that I had told Kelly of all people that I was stable and okay.

Second, Bella's first post to the thread is absolutely, 100% spot-on accurate and simply one of the best descriptions of the deeply demoralizing, isolating, depressing and disheartening experience it is to be a transsexual in America today. As for the ensuing discussion about the nature of sex work, sex work is what it is, full of both positives and negatives, yet despite that it's still likely the most accepting and self-actualizing opportunity available to young transwomen: whether that is a good or bad thing, I'll leave to you all to decide. My experience with the adult industry has generally been quite positive. As Christian has pointed out, you can't expect to live off of shooting given the current economics of this industry, but given that limitation I have found the experience of performing in porn to be positive, and actually quite enjoy it. I suppose there is disrespect in so far as the nature of the business makes us relatively disposable, but that is a function of the business, as opposed to how the people who run it would like to treat those of us who work in it. In other words, given how I've been treated on a personal level, i.e. exceedingly well, I'm certain that were there money to be made in shooting me every week, we'd be shooting every week, rather than two or three times a quarter.

I must also say that the stresses of being a performer/star have been entirely manageable. A number of girls described a rollercoaster like experience with fan praise and rejection, and while perhaps it is merely a result of me not having been around long enough, I honestly cannot recall a single instance of a fan giving me shit or dismissing me in some way. In other words, the feedback has been all positive. The issue for me has not been the stress of being a star, but my underlying profound psychiatric/psychological problems. Were I just another tgirl -- rather than a tgirl with an inherited unclassified mood disorder characteristic of Bipolar II but with uncharacteristically long cycle periods, coupled with a history of long running trauma which has led to diminished psychosocial functioning and a likely personality disorder -- I'm sure I'd do just fine in the adult industry... were my balls still working.

And that's the final point I wanted to raise. I first started my transition EIGHT years ago. It's been rather interesting to be characterized as an "early transition girl" by girls who hadn't even come out to themselves, let alone others, when I first ordered some hormones off the internet. I suppose being thought of as early transition is just evidence of my abject failure to move forward on even the single most important goal of my life. But eight years of estrogen, although of dubious feminizing benefit until I switched to implanted pellets 13 months ago, have finally taken their toll on that which I need to be able to work in this industry: my testes. My testosterone levels are actually fine -- I don't take an antiandrogen, and I have no difficult getting hard -- it's just that prolonged exposure to natal female estrogen levels will gradually cause the testes to die. My fertility was gone years ago, but I could at least still produce some clear cum. Now though, that's gone, and it's not as if I can lower a spiro dose to get it back, and with the ability to cum gone, so goes my ability to work in this industry.

Honestly, at this point, I don't know what to do. I entered into adult work late partly because I wasn't feminine enough until now to do it, but also because I was fully cognizant of the limitations and demands of the industry, and wanted to see if I could find ANY other way to move my life forward. I didn't, so I went in to adult work, and ended up very much enjoying it. Unfortunately my mood started to cycle into a non-functional state right as my career started taking off, and now I can't cum, and thus cannot perform. Without adult work, I'm not really sure where else to turn at this point, and that's what really scares me.

[BellaBellucci]

I spent 21 months in a group home/treatment facility for "severely emotionally disturbed youth" as a teen, so I'm right there with you. I had been to a psych ward twice as a teen, but honestly the adolescent ward is very meek and mild in comparison to the adult ward. Not a pleasant experience and I would not recommend going, particularly if you are a transsexual who is still legally male. :/

As for weed, it doesn't do anything for me, lol. While pot isn't unpleasant for me, the sensation of being high, like the sensation of being drunk, isn't so profoundly enjoyable as to make me want to seek it out on a regular basis.

I won't tell you to get better, because I know that's dependent on so many variables, but I will say that I hope things GET better for you. I'm sure you're aware that life isn't a spiral; it's a roller-coaster. You just have to do the best you can with the ups and downs.

I too know how hard life is, but again, this is where true support is important. Please find a person or two worth talking to, even if it isn't me (as I don't really know you, even if I can relate to you), and take life one day at a time. I also know all too well how easy it is to get overwhelmed when you don't.

~BB~

[tsmirandameadows]

I too know how hard life is, but again, this is where true support is important. Please find a person or two worth talking to, even if it isn't me (as I don't really know you, even if I can relate to you), and take life one day at a time. I also know all too well how easy it is to get overwhelmed when you don't.

Meh, after getting home tonight, arguably the biggest support in my life told me that I'm too negative and too emotionally taxing to continue being friends with. Honestly, I can't blame this person -- I'm surprised the friendship lasted as long as it did given how erratic and fucked up I am -- but it still left me feeling that much more alone.

[BellaBellucci]

Oh, and I don't think an inability to ejaculate is a death sentence in the adult industry, only in the trans niche, and sometimes not even then. Just look at Kimber. And there are others.

Maybe it's time to focus more on non-gender-specific erotica instead of traditional 'tranny porn.' You won't make the same kind of money, but you'll still have a creative outlet. In fact, I have the same problem, and I'm making that transition myself.

Next time you're in L.A., you ought to let me introduce you to some people.

~BB~

[BellaBellucci]

Meh, after getting home tonight, arguably the biggest support in my life told me that I'm too negative and too emotionally taxing to continue being friends with. Honestly, I can't blame this person -- I'm surprised the friendship lasted as long as it did given how erratic and fucked up I am -- but it still left me feeling that much more alone.

I know that feeling too. But if they were really your friend, they'd accept you the way you are. It's their problem, not yours. I know that's little comfort, but the difference between you and them is probably merely the fact that you deal with your issues and are honest with yourself, and they probably repress. 'It's not so bad,' is the battle cry of the delusional. THEY are the ones with issues that they refuse to address.

Easy come. Easy go. Easy come again. I'm sure there are people out there capable of supporting you. And I'm sure some of them are right here on HA, ironically enough.

~BB~

[Infern0]

I'm glad to see you on here Miranda.

Bella is right in what she's saying, and to be honest she can help you a lot more than I can, as I can't relate to 90% of your struggle.

I hope you find a way through this and i'm sure you will. Have faith in the people around you, I am sure there are a lot of people who care about you a great deal, even if you might not see it now.

From my experiance, "professional help" is not always for everyone, especially it sounds like you were in some sort of hell-hole the last couple of days. Find inner strength and take strength from those who love you. You'll find a way through this.

On a side-note, your inability to ejeculate is not a deal breaker from what i've seen of the industry. However as many have said you are an intelligent young girl, i'm not sure the industry is what you need or want right now. Take time to consider other options.

Be safe.