Brittany St Jordan Thread - One Place To Post All Things BSJ

[TempestTS]

I'm tagging along with roommates on their already planned out road trip. So these are the locations I'll be hitting this time around. I'm sure at some point you will get to bend me over and ram your cock inside of me again lol

You know I spent the last few minutes coming up with an elaborate denial but actually thats exactly what I have in mind.

[Brittany St Jordan]

You know I spent the last few minutes coming up with an elaborate denial but actually thats exactly what I have in mind.

I saw it in my crystal ball

[robertlouis]

I saw it in my crystal ball

Don't you mean your, *ahem*, rear view mirror?

[Brittany St Jordan]

Don't you mean your, *ahem*, rear view mirror?

A crystal ball in my rear....??? hmmm

[robertlouis]

A crystal ball in my rear....??? hmmm

I'm sure it won't be the first time.....

[Brittany St Jordan]

I'm sure it won't be the first time.....

Nor the last lol

[robertlouis]

Nor the last lol

And just in case you've forgotten how......

[Brittany St Jordan]

X-Critic Review - The Best of I Kill It TS Volume 1

Check out of my latest reviews thanks to @ApacheWarrior over on X-critic.

"Scene Six: Ramon talks to Brittany St. Jordan in the corridor of a hotel. They end up going to her hotel room to make out. After she changes into something more comfortable, Ramon fondles her hot ass for a while before the woman sucks his big dick. She is quite impressed by his massive cock. Brittany does a fine job in orally pleasuring his manhood. A doggie screw follows and then, a reverse cowgirl ride. The sex is pretty solid. When the cowgirl ride occurs, Brittany’s moans sound hot. Then, the mish looks very hot as her asshole looks yummy. Their performance becomes so hot as Brittany’s butthole gets a cool workout. Ramon does not let up. Finally, he cums on her snatch.

Final Thoughts: This film is a pretty good one. There is hot sex in the scenes with Pamela Falcos and Ariel Everts. An intense one by Brittany St. Jordan and her partners Ramon and Castro Supreme. Meanwhile, Diosa is so pretty that she is a good pin-up star that guys can jack off to no matter what she does during her performance. I recommend this flick.”

Watch this scene right now!!!

[Brittany St Jordan]

Read the earlier chapters on my blog

The thing about being in the Mexican jungle is there are a lot of natural ways to experience life on completely whole new levels. Mainly really fresh marijuana and a lot of Mayan mushrooms. The marijuana was like going to the farmer's market and finding the freshest ear of corn picked that very day. After a little sample was offered to me by my bohemian neighbor I was laid out on my hammock staring at the center of the universe for what could have been ten minutes or ten decades. This magically delicious fresh herb was superb even to the best medical cannabis I'd ever smoked while living in LA.

After a little social networking with my neighbor I found a source to supply me with enough of this herb for at least six months. I ended up with a large freezer bag of freshly picked buds that still had a ton of moisture on them and had to be laid out in the sun for a little bit to prevent them from molding in the humid jungle environment. This began my morning routine became getting out some fresh herb and separating stems and seeds from the actual smokable parts. The groundskeeper was trimming up the plants on the path while I was prepping my daily toking material and all he ever did was wave hello and smile. Mexico's pretty awesome like that.

Wake up, get high, walk up to get my food, eat, get high some more and then relax in the hammock while the warm humid breeze was blowing through my little spot of personal Eden. This was how every day was spent before noon. Being a hippy chick living amongst nature is a really cathartic way to disengage from the entire world I was once a part of. Once I got back from a walk through the woods or another trip to the Palenque ruins I would sit there and write in my journal the rest of the day. Some days I would even go to the ruins and find some real intensely awe inspiring places to sit and let my mind wander to wherever it felt like going that particular day.

I kept being asked by tour guides and tourists if I knew where to get magic mushrooms and had I tried them. Well, no, I had yet to try them. However, since it seemed to be one of those things like when in Rome do as the Mayans and see what happens. There is no sign pointing to some magic shroom shop in the middle of the woods. It's actually much better than that. The local shrooms were gathered and sold my the local youth. All of the shroom purchases were done directly with kids around the age of sixteen or so. Talk about teaching youth about work ethics and entrepreneurial skills.

The path to the shroom shopping spot was only revealed once I let kid one know what I wanted and he saw I had the pesos to pay for it. He then led me to a trail where he pointed and left. Then a little ways off the road I would run into the kid I asked about the ayahuasca so we had our little “Hey, I know you, ah-ha” moment. He asked how much I wanted and said 200 pesos. He reached behind a log to pull out a plastic bag where the shrooms had been stashed out of the sunlight until sold. These kids really had their shit together when it comes to running a solid shroom business in the middle of fucking nowhere.

There is no daily allowances or suggested serving size when buying shrooms in the jungles from the local youth so the amount I got was about eight to twelve full shrooms of caps and stems. The tops were still white with the bright yellow sun in the middle. The stems still wet and flaked with the cow shit they were freshly plucked from that very morning. This is as organically fresh as one can possibly get when it comes to taking natural psychedelics. Being that there were no online reviews for the quality and customer satisfaction of such things I would have to take it upon myself to see exactly how these magical fungi would affect me.

I even planned out my munchie choices for the evening. I wanted to wait until it was dark out because bright lights are a real downer when tripping balls and the sun has no dimmer switch just so I can traverse all known universes while sitting in my hammock. I went with candy bars, cookies and a lot of fresh water. I made it a point to stay away from citrus. There is this little thing that happens whenever I'm tripping and ingest citrus. It clears out my digestive track like running a giant brillo pad through the grand canyon. There is nothing worse than having to run to a bathroom mid trip let along maneuver through the dark in the Mexican jungle looking like I'm auditioning for the lead part of The Fly while hoping to every divine dust in the cosmos that I'm actually heading in the right direction. Yea, so no fucking citrus.

As the sun started setting and the spider monkeys were beginning their evening gathering of the clans I began eating my first couple of shrooms. I figured it would take about thirty minutes to really kick in so I ate enough to get me started leaving the rest for later. There is nothing like the anticipation of taking hallucinogenics and waiting for it to kick in. It's like the voice in my head kicks in “Hello, this is your captain speaking. Hee hee hold the fuck on, this is going to be fucking awesome. No seriously, um, yea our cruising altitude tonight is going to be, well fuck I don't know, the moon. Ha ha ha yea, you're fucked hahahahaha.” Then slowly the anticipation turns to euphoria as solid objects mold into putty and the lightest buzz of an insect sounds like a fucking helicopter trying to land on my ear drum. Yep, I'm tripping balls now.

As I began slipping into wonderland I realized that A) I had enough shrooms for about four people to have a really good time and B) I had eaten my portion as well as the portions of two other people as well. The harder the hallucinations and giggle fits kicked in the more it started raining outside. Sitting in a cabana covered area with only candles, crystals, and watching the downpour of rain while surfing through the cosmos is quite the fucking experience. Without the bright light of the sun I was able to really enjoy the fractal formations that were floating all around me. The candlelight faded as the wind extinguished my only source of light and I was now on a whole new adventure that I was in no way ever fucking prepared for.

I sat there meditating with my various crystals and with each one being held in the palm of my left hand I would caress its surface with my right. The energy from within that crystal was shot through my body and emanated through the fractals floating above me. Thus, allowing me to directly converse with the crystal as it sat in my palm. Each one delivering messages of inspiration, motivation and direction for happiness and peace within. I got to learn the distinct personality and purpose for each of my crystals I had with my that night. It was such an intimate way of learning lessons while being directly connected the natural world surrounding me and the specific teachings of each of the crystals.

One of the things I learned that night was that the fractals seen during hallucinogenic voyages are actually an information system of interdimensional levels of existence which control the flow of existence in a continually ebbing and flowing stream of eternity. The fractals themselves are actually the resulting ripple in creation that is seen trailing behind the bead of energy flowing through the stream of the fractal. This ball of energy is the spirit, soul, divine essence or whatever anyone wants to call it. The fractal is merely a mapping of our individual energies and the bonds between the balls, relationships of any kind, are what allow the stream to flow forward, stay in place or remain being held back from advancing. Yea, this was just the tip of the holy fuck iceberg of things that were about to be revealed to me before the end of this evening's voyage to the center of all creation.

The next portion of my cosmic education while traversing the fractal stream through all of existence would be about memories and perception. Here we go. Everyone is an individual bead of cosmic energy connected to this reality by the sensory system known as the human body. Only by something being sensed by this organic system of electronic pulses passing along information at a cellular level is the projected reality of any individual created and perceived by the body. Once a sound wave is detected or the frequency of color reflected are those things actually detected and perceived to exist in that particular space. This creates a stored piece of information correlating these senses to this particular environment at that moment. This is a memory as we like to call them.

No two beings have the same perception of the same situation even when simultaneously sensing the incoming information of the frequencies around them. Each has a unique perspective of how they interpreted the incoming frequencies. We are taught that a green triangle is a green triangle but to someone else it could be an orange banana. It's just that their way of interpreting the environment is slightly different but even with the difference in structure having a common name for the compiled stream of information being interpreted as an object is uniquely different and yet still a common object known by different energy sources.

Each circumstance that is intercepted within the environment also causes the sensory system to release chemicals into the structure of the body which causes variations in interpretation of the same exact events by several beings at the same time. These concoctions of perception changing chemicals are what we commonly call emotions. These also have a direct bearing on how information within the environment is interpreted and stored as a memory. Without any further interaction with the environment concerning this memory it will remain the same for eternity.

The perception of existence is based mostly on assumption and very little on what is physically sensed. When sitting inside of a room with no open doors it is assumed that there is actual physically manifested things such as other rooms, people, planets, and universes. The sensory organs of the the body interpret information that it's able to sense and stores this information and the individual being of energy then creates its own reality based up the assumption of what it believes to exist beyond the boundaries of its current level of perception of the environment. So instead of focusing on the closest reaches of perceived reality, many beings stay focused on the assumed unknown and all the assumption to interfere with the information being interpreted from the reality which is right in front of them.

This is how many material items that were manifested at the time of the creation of the memory are horded forever in order to retain that memory. As long as that, or any item connected to that moment is manifested it will always carry that memory. A shirt, a card or anything that has what is referred to as sentimental value is simply that, sentimental, and has no real meaning or value other than the memory it continues to carry on. Grudges, resentment and ill will are also carried on much the same way as the memory that was created at the time of those events has no representation in the currently manifested reality as time has shifted. With that shift in time those memories that were created are merely placeholders for emotional backtracking of events through this particular span of perceived reality or life as we call it..

By breaking the bond of the emotions keeping memories in place we are able to free them and allow new memories to take hold. Letting the past be in the past and allowing us to carrying the lessons we learned without the baggage that taught us. Letting go of grudges and resentment of others because of the emotional feeling we have when dwelling on a particular memory that brings us pain. Allowing new memories to be forged from the happiness of the forgotten memories long buried by mountains of grief. This is how we begin to let go of the material world we put some much stake in and see the magical world of the cosmic energy which binds us all together.

That energy is what we call love. This is a much deeper and stronger force than that of what we have been forced to believe. True, divine, spiritual bonds of love are what we all are. This is far from anything dealing with religion's notions of divinity. Divinity as in a cosmic collective of energy with a force flowing from one to the other. This force, this love, is the one thing that allows creation to continue on. We get so wrapped up in our world of the assumed that we lose sight of what we manifest right in front of us all of the time.

Our hopes, dreams, fears and anxieties are all right here staring us directly in the face and it's up to us to embrace all of them equally. By denying equal love to every facet of our very self we become our own worst enemy. By embracing all that makes us who we are it enables to love everything that we manifest into our reality and then the environment becomes a more complete place of true unconditional love that is resonated beyond any length of light traveling through the galaxy of assumption we have taught that is beyond our atmosphere.

The meaning to why we are here. What is life all about? Unconditional love.

I have no fucking idea what time it was but the rain was now pouring down and people were running for cover in every direction. This was no hallucination. I made sure to inquire with my neighbor about it the next day. As they were running for cover I remember sitting there laughing because well, watching people running through the dark while shouting profanities in several languages trying to avoid the deluge of rain is rather fucking comical.

While everyone was running through the flood waters I was busy snacking on the glorious food which I set aside this evening's voyage. The following morning I would get a quick lesson in how pissed off a pile of ants snacking on cookie crumbs can get when you step on them in bare feet. Yea, those little creatures of wrath left marks on my feet and ankles that are still there. Next time I go tripping balls in the woods I need to put out my “No Angry Ants Allowed” banners.

I spent the better part of two days coming down and recovering from my experience with Mayan shrooms. I'm convinced there's something unique in the ground being eaten by the cows and the combination of whatever it is mixed with the fungus creates some of the most powerful voyages into the realm of the unseen, yet always felt, existence of the void that thrives in the negative space of perception. Or something like that, yea.

So fast forward a couple of weeks and skipping a few little trips and treks I may or may not discuss at a later date and time, I get inspired by a realization. I was sitting there reading through my journal and I realized something very much woven into everything that I had been writing which brought clarity as to why I was there in Mexico in the first place. This is where things get really fucking exciting.

The realization I had was that I was afraid to die. Ok, no brainer, nobody really wants to die but death was the reason I was there in paradise. The whole aliens coming to kill everyone was just hopeful thinking that I would taken out without having to do it myself. This once again really peaked my interests in getting some ayahuasca to experience a sample of what it is like to die. What happens when the DMT floods the sensory system of the body and we are no longer connected to this perceived reality? This was what I wanted to know. All it took was a trip to the ruins and a tour guide mentioned that the city was originally painted red as the color of death and how death was an honor for the Mayans. To them it marked the beginning of something greater.

After my experience with the shrooms I knew they would put me out into the hallucinogenic state as ayahuasca. However, I would have to find a way to trigger the DMT. Being that the energy fields around us are a vortex running through our chakras I decided that closing off one of those chakras would be all I had to do in order to experience what it's like to die. The chakra of choice was the the throat chakra as I could easily bind it in a way that once I went out the pressure on my throat would be released and I would regain consciousness once again. I had no idea what was going to happen but I was about to find out what it's like to experience the moment of death.

This time when I went to the local shroom dealer I ended up getting a little over twice the amount that I had previously. As I sat there preparing my area for the night's voyage into the great unknown I was reading my journal and realized for the past several days I had been reconnecting to long forgotten memories as I put them into writing my life was playing out before my eyes. I was experiencing all of the things that brought joy into my life and it put my mind at peace. It gave me the inner harmony to be able to experience death with a heart full of love instead of a heart full of anger. This was the one last thing that put me at ease with my experiment with death.

My initial idea was that I would lay in my hammock and use some of the excess portions on the sides put around my throat chakra while I extended my arm straight up until I passed out. Then my arm would fall down to release the pressure. Before I cold test this I would have to eat the shrooms I had just purchased. Just as before, I waited until it was right before dusk and then downed every last morsel of cow shit covered fungus to begin my journey. There was no crystals or candles this time. I had only one purpose on this night and that was to experience what death is like. What could be so scary about it?

As the effects of the shrooms were kicking in I began leaning my neck on the strings supporting the hammock to get a feel for it. The sensation was actually quite pleasing. There was a highly erotic response to having my throat chakra restricted. The other sensory systems of the body quickly kick in and make everything feel amazing. It's like self-produced morphine and MDMA flooding every cell of my body. The more restricted the airflow became the more intense the sensations of pleasure became. As it continued to heighten I knew it was time to go a step further.

I began testing my arm in the air theory with the string of the hammock. As the throat chakra was clinched shut and I passed out I remain completely conscious as if merely closing my eyes while experiencing the sensations of losing consciousness. Just as I thought would happen, as soon as my arm went down I fizzled back to being awake. One seamless action from start to finish and I was able to experience every sensation throughout the entire span. This was of course too interesting to only try once.

I kept playing with the string and each time I would fizzle out and come back it was such a euphoric rush of every pleasant feeling of everything all at once. The fear of what would happen was no longer even a concern any longer. Now all I could fathom was just how far I could go with this. I had no idea where I was going but I knew the hammock had served its purpose and I was now going inside my tent. Here I was alone and ready to experience whatever it was I possibly could as there was nothing to stop me from getting the most out of my voyages of the night.

To get things going a little more than before I began doing the arm in the air with a tshirt around my throat chakra which allowed for more coverage than the string. This was a way more intense ride for sure. The fizzle effect of going out was such an enthralling experience that I continued doing it several times. There is nothing like staying completely conscious while the body is being shut off but the mind is still very much aware. Now that I had gotten to this point I decide it was paramount I go as far with this so that I was sure to experience all levels of possibility.

My next level of intensity would involve using a blanket wrapped around my throat chakra so that I had an end in either hand on the sides to that the tighter I pulled the more restriction I was able to produce. I laid there on my back with a very snug pull on the ends at first. This provoked my sensory system into a state of instant euphoria. With my eyes closed I could visualize the various layers of my body as a cross-section and with very distinct colors of each layer. The more resistance I created the more colors there were that went black. I was pulling as tight as I possibly could and yet there were still layers left to restrict.

This was when every alarm system designed to prevent such a thing from happening all went off. I could hear crying children, traffic accidents and people screaming over the sight of discovering my body. Another means to get my attention was my cock was hard enough I could shatter concrete with it. Every possible sensory system was in an all out panic as I continued down the rabbit hole. It was at this point I had the realization these were all merely distractions. Everything in life was only serving as distraction from death. This was the internal piece of motivation I needed to go further.

I continually repeated in my head “It's all just a distraction” as I continued putting out more lit up layers as the restricted vortex was nearing the state of being stopped. I gripped the ends of the towel and with every bit of strength I have in my body I pushed myself beyond the limits of what the human body is designed to handle. In that single moment there was a pop. The breath that was going in with the vortex of energy had been stopped and exited back out the way it came. With his pop I was no longer connected to the material body in which I had just been a part off. All of the lights were out and I had just experienced what it is like to die.

There was no fear, no anxiety, no anything. Just freedom from every binding tie of mortality of a world which only existed because I believed it did. Everything was quiet. There was no sound frequencies, no colors, there was nothing to perceive and no sensory system to interpret the information. There was only serenity and peace of being in a place where nothing could ever cause any harm. I was enjoying the abundant harmony when I had the prospect of wanting to share this experience with those closest to me. I let the idea of going back enter this space and my wish came true.

Instantly I was thrust through whatever channels there were connecting this place and the perceived reality I had just left behind. It was as if a deck of cards was being shuffled together as the sounds and smells of the jungle and the sound of the rain were all very much there once again. As the last piece shifted into place I felt the breath once again enter my lungs as my body lurched upward gasping for air. The towel still firmly wrapped around my throat chakra just as I had left it. I quickly removed it and took in several deep breaths as I realized I did it. I fucking died.

“I gotta call John!”

[Brittany St Jordan]

Read all chapters on my blog

Chapter 16 - Blessings From The Curse

We walk down the brightly lit hallway that opens up to a large room with beds lined in rows on either side. The nurse's chatter and run their errands as we make our way to our weekly destination. Along with my mother and my aunt, we are once again visiting my grandmother and give her the ice water we picked up on the way to see her at the state hospital. This would be my first and only memory I would know of my mother's mother. A thousand yard stare while strapped to a hospital bed while attempting to suck water out of plastic straw provided by the only two of her children that ever visited her. This was her life until she eventually died a slow lonely death.

I asked my mother what happened to her and, at the ripe age of around five or so, I'm told that she has Huntington's. “How did she get it?” I inquired with childish wonder. I was told she was born with it and it eventually made her sick. “So it was given to her from her mommy?” was my next question of my little Q&A with my own mommy. To which I was informed that yes, it does come from the mommy or daddy but it's 50/50 chance that a baby can get it. “Can I get it?” was my next question filled with sudden paranoia and fear. To which I was assured that only if my mommy had it could I ever get it. Want to guess won the fuck you lottery that day?

Huntington's disease, or HD as it's become known as in more PC circles, is a hereditary condition that is passed on from parent to child and is one of the worst fucking ways to ever experience life. It's basically a ticking time bomb until a rouge protein goes off the reservation and begins devouring the brain from the inside out. There is no pain. Only a gradual slow decent into a state of helplessness, loneliness and usually death by swallowing their tongue. From one day to the next there is no way of knowing if that is going to be the day when the physical signs begin to show.

The outward signs are sporadic uncontrollable movements of the arms and legs. Balance goes to shit real quick and irritability skyrockets as frustration of becoming helpless takes over all rational thought processes. This is what I learned as a child. No you can be president, run a company or live a normal life of any kind because you are permanently diseased without a cure. Right now there is progress being made, yet there is no definitive cure for Huntington's. There is no slowing it down either. The best modern medicine has been able to is suppress the movements with pills and keep patients doped up enough that the highlight of their day is when some orderly comes in and changes their diaper for them.

People say life is unfair and until they've stood a moment in my shoes and have seen the world through my eyes they will never really understand just how fucking unfair life can be. I've been tested twice and both results have come back with a very unfair diagnoses of “ha ha you're fucked” with positive traits in my DNA for carrying the gene for HD. On both of these occasions I handled them very differently as they were done years apart. The acidic pit that burned inside of my stomach was still the same though.

The first test was done at UCLA when my future wife found out she was pregnant. Yea, oh fuck doesn't even come close to the thoughts that went rushing through my mind at that moment. This was when I decided to get checked because if there was a kid on the way I was going to have to have a really long talk with my fiance. The entire ride from the Marine base to the hospital I was thinking only about how this all played out with my mother and how much I fucking hated her at that very moment.

Back during the grand old days of her boyfriend Bob, a conversation between him and I let the cat out of the bag that my mom had been tested for HD and known for three years at that point and had kept it from me. Pissed? I stormed into the trailer and confronted her with the fury of several pits of hell. When she confirmed it I was overcome with every emotion multiplied by a nuclear ton of fuck you as I let a verbal assault fly through my vocal chords. I was hurt and angry beyond rational comprehension. Every single drop of venomous hatred was directed right at the very cunt who brought me into the world.

This was the fuel that flamed the resulting hatred and disregard for life that propelled me through a better portion of my life. No amount of alcohol or copious amounts of pot could ever make it stop. Nothing could ever make that pain go away. This was why I was able to join Bob on the really fucked up joyride spree of terror that we did against my mother. In no way does it excuse my actions but it sheds some light onto why those things happened the way they did back then. It was a lot of hurt and I took that pain and I learned how to use it to my advantage.

My life has been one big middle finger to death because when you know that you're pretty much fucked the idea of sticking around that long to become a vegetable becomes the last fucking thing on any bucket list. My first stop was the Marines. I passed the ASVAB (test for career placement in the military) with a score high enough to do anything. I took infantry. Why? Because if a bullet is bound for my head and I die in battle I die a hero. That's the only reason I ever chose the grunts as my desired job field. It just happened that Uncle Sam thought I was a little too smart to be a gun monkey so I found myself in a mortar platoon instead.

I was still in the infantry but now there was no front line bullshit at all. I was now a good couple of miles away from anything should I ever get shipped off to combat. Well, so much for that plan. Instead of possibly taking a bullet to the skull I was carrying around really heavy pieces of equipment and doing everything but getting shot at. It was nice when we did things like high ropes courses and rappelling. I was all about the adrenaline, edge of the seat, holy fuck I might die kind of stuff. This all came to a crashing halt when I met Michelle, who ended up being my pregnant fiance.

So now that I found out my soon-to-be wife was pregnant I was freaked out beyond all belief. Nerves of steel become express lanes of anxiety. I had one of the guys I was stationed with give me a ride to hospital the day I got my results. No matter how much of a badass I thought I was, I was crying my head off the entire ride back to base in front of my fellow Marine. I was devastated as there is no way to ever mentally prepare yourself that you definitely have a genetic mutation that will eventually siphon away your life until all that is left is an empty shell of your former self. Throw in the fact that my fiance is now knocked and the oh fuck factor gets a little too high to do anything other than cry.

Breaking this news to Michelle was last thing I wanted to do and yet it was the first thing I knew I had to do when I got back to base. She could tell I was shaken up when she heard my voice. In my best half mumbling, sort of serious, and teetering on fucking scared as fuck I told her the family history. And then oh, by the way, I got these results today. Her sudden silence meant that she definitely heard what I said and it was slowly sinking in. It was real fast too. She was all aboard the oh fuck express and we were both looking for answers to get to the next stop so we could get off.

In a strange twist of fate, the kid wasn't mine. Michelle met someone during one of our breakups and it was his. So I dodged two bullets on that one but now I was stuck with the knowledge of knowing for certain that I had in fact carried the gene for Huntington's. Would it be better to not know and always have the nagging suspicion that it was there? Some say ignorance is bliss and if that is so I was the smartest person on earth that day.

When I left the Marines after my first four years it was only a few months before some airplanes flew into some building in New York City. I just finished four years of hauling around mortar gear and I was set on leaving that in the past. Being that I knew friends were getting recalled I made sure I got into another field on my own. A few visits to the local recruiting office and I was now going back on active duty as a computer geek. The best part of being a computer geek is I get so focused on what I'm doing that my mind had very minimal time to wander inside of itself and go on adventures down every rabbit hole of possibility.

A divorce, followed by another heartbreaking relationship and some wounded pride found me doing a lot of drinking and then a little more good measure. Because if somehow I got way too wasted and ended up dead, well, no veggie bed for me. This was also about the time I bought my Glock .45 which I really loved. I could drop someone up to twenty yards and most importantly I now had an exit strategy should I need it.

As the Marine Corps life came to an end I found myself on the path that would land me and Kassy together. A house, some cars and a few dogs is all we needed to give the outward projection that we were the happy family next door. It was somewhere toward the middle of 2010 that the Huntington's thing had been rearing it's head again and I had the second test performed. I had someone to love, a great job and awesome dogs. Life was good and all I could do was sit back and let my mind wander about how fucked up my life was going to be. Once I found out Kassy had her side thing and we made the choice to break up for good I was devastated.

Kassy was gone away on a trip for the Navy for a few days and I was laying there alone in our bed. Alone with the thoughts of losing the house, losing her and not seeing my dogs ever again. I was leaving to pursue a life in porn and she was about to start a new life with her new love in her life. I had lost every bit of motivation to live at that point. All that kept running through my mind was who was ever going to love a damaged freak like me? There is no pill or surgery that fix what I have. This was the first time I contemplated using my Glock to say goodbye.

As I sat there and thought about the best place to turn my brain into a gray matter slurpee there was one thing that prevented it from happening. Who would be there to take care of Bumper? My dog was the only reason I found to keep from wiping my skull with .45 caliber cleaning solution. I barely slept that night and had found a much greater appreciation for Bumper. Without doing a single thing other than be there for me to love he saved my life that night. I decided I would suffer another day of battling Huntington's than leave my dog. I was so close.

Off I went to the land of porn and wonder. As I wrote earlier, that ended with me making a trip to see my grandmother and saying goodbye to my mom while I was there in PA. It was one of the few times I've seen my mother since we went to court about the Bob tirade. It was almost ten years that went by without my saying a word to her. No cards, no phone calls, not even a simple smoke single to say fuck you. Then my Grandmother had heard through the local grapevine my mom was put into an assisted living facility. Apartments for old people who can no longer handle life on their own. This little tidbit of news was a bit much for me to take. No matter how much I resented her for giving me the family curse, as we called it, I still loved the woman that was my mother. Funny how this shit happens.

I made a trip to visit her and the security box rang her number but there was no answer. Being that I was still on active duty and looked presentable and less threatening to the elderly, a gentleman came over and let me in. Of course my mom would have to be almost at the far end of the building so I had a nice long walk thinking about what to say. I got to her door and knocked. As it opened up and she peeked out I said “Hi Mom, it's me.” with a smile and wave. I'm unsure who was in more shock at that moment.

Going into to this apartment hurt. There was nothing pleasant or happy about it. It was full of sadness and misery from top to bottom. Barely any light was coming in, the thick choking ashtray smell of chain smoking and a single chair position directly in front of the television about ten feet away. This was all my mother did. Sit in this chair and watch her life tick by one television show at a time while sucking down cigarettes. The only other thing that was in her line of view was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever fucking witnessed in my entire life. A photo of me.

For ten years this woman has been sitting there watching television and staring at a photo of me from back in high school. I wanted to carve my heart out of chest right then as I felt I was undeserving to even have one at that point. All the bitter angst and feelings of hatred melted instantly. This voyage to the loneliest place in existence was my turning point in forgiving my Mother for everything. Forgiving someone for all of the anger you had for them is no easy thing. Yes, it was her that may have caused it but it was me that held on to it for so long.

We both said our apologies for what happened and started staying in touch the best we could with me living out of state. Things were going along good for a little while until she was no longer able to make to the grocery store without losing her balance and falling down. She was taken from the assisted living and put into the nursing home. I have visited her there whenever I was in PA and always took the dogs with me when I had them. Dogs really do brighten up the visit a bit as it's a nice break of the routine.

On some of the visits I shot some video footage and when comparing the changes from one to the other it was apparent that her downhill spiral with HD was now picking up traction. Her ability to talk was slightly more difficult for her to enunciate words. The ability to hold herself upright was leaving her body. It was like watching someone rapidly age in a matter of years. It also tore me apart on so many levels because I knew this was my eventual end as well.

The last time I saw my Mother she was barely a shell of who she used to be. It's hard to see her like that and not want to just fucking curl up in a ball and cry. This was the woman who kicked my door off the hinges when I called her a bitch for waking me for school one morning. Now she was sitting around a piss scented nursing home with people who have 20 – 30 years on her and who have the ability to walk and not shit themselves all day. Compound this with the fact that she hates it there and it makes visiting just as heart wrenching as the time I saw the photo on the television for the first time.

Huntington's is more than just a deterioration of gray matter that turns your body into a life sentence in solitary confinement. It's hard for even the ones who love you the most to come see you because it takes a toll on them as well. My aunts visit from time to time I've been told. At this point I don't know if I can actually bring myself to see her in an even more deteriorated state than when I last saw her. I refuse to let that be the final memory that is stuck in my head about my last visit with my Mother.

While I was doing my thing in porn there was always questions about being afraid of catching AIDS. That would be the least of my problems. There are pills that can slow down AIDS and HIV as well as some new breakthroughs that can possible prevent and, in some cases, cure. Guess what? Not fucking Huntington's. Cancer, AIDS and every VD out there has nothing on HD. Oh, you can get sick and die? In my world that would be a luxury. Think about that for a moment. Cancer would be an easier way to die than living a life with HD.

When I was prepping for my trip to Mexico, Aethena mentioned that the whole thing was some huge mind trip brought on by Huntington's and I was going to end up killing myself in the jungle. Well, she was sort of right. Before I left I took apart my Glock and destroyed it so that it would be impossible to ever put back together again. I physically destroyed the one thing I kept around so that I could use it as an early exit system should I have to. My journey into Mexico was one of love with no intention of causing harm to anyone, especially myself.

What happened in Mexico could be seen as a suicide attempt, as it has been pointed out to me various times. However, I was in no way wanting to leave this world because I hated my life. There wasn't even a glimmering thought of HD throughout the entire experience in Mexico. Regardless of how it wants to perceived by whoever is reacting to the story there is one very strong truth that remains. At that point, I had made peace with everything in my life. This includes all of the self-induced trauma of stressing out about Huntington's. It was the happiest moment of my fucking life when I died that night.

Upon my return to LA and telling everyone about what I did I found myself with nowhere to call home and eventually ended up homeless in Las Vegas. Having nothing and nobody to turn to gave me a grand appreciation for the things in life that really matter. Honest human connections based upon love. When living on the streets there is no place for hatred. Yes, some folks get a little testy at times and fights break out but when you have almost nothing you will find to defend that one thing to the death.

I ended up getting involved with someone and living with them. That was until I told them to come out of the closet and stop being afraid to be called gay because we were together. That little conversation landed me on a bus for four and half days from Vegas to DC where I was picked up and taken back to the same house I lived at when I got out of the Marine Corps. Everything had gone completely full circle, I had a safe place to call home and even though I was surrounded by amazing friends all around me I was in a state of depression and isolation for a long time after my return.

One of the many things I realized was that I had a lot to talk about and so that is why this writing process was started. While going through and facing all of these parts of my past I've had to consistently relive a lot of hurt and pain and wanted to keep from spreading that pain to those I care about the most. This has been a very trying and exhausting experience to finally work through the things in my past that I let limit me from really enjoy life to the fullest without having to build up walls of protection around me. Once I got past my fear of death there was a whole new area of long forgotten repressed emotions and now I'm finally dealing with them.

People have questioned me on revealing my birth name, legal name and stage name throughout all of this. The truth is I've always been Brittany St Jordan. The hard rocker goth badass chick was just the thing I needed to keep the world at arm's reach while still functioning within it. BSJ was my way of becoming all the things I wanted to be but was too afraid to do in my day to day life. In an ironic twist the persona of Brittany St Jordan has become something more and given me the ability to expose my deepest most emotions without fear of any kind. The very persona that was created to protect me is now my way of exposing every vulnerability within me.

Whether my name is Jason, Renae or Brittany there will always be the same person who was a scared child who kept the world in check with anger who is now able to keep the world at peace with love. This is by far the greatest lesson I've learned through all of this. Love and fear are the only two options for making choices. When those choices are made because of love the results are quite magical. When they are made from a place of fear the outcome becomes that fear manifested right in front of you. The key is to be able to realize which is which and how to adjust the manner of which choices are made and life can be quite beautiful.

It took me this long to write all of this because I was so caught up in dealing with the past that I was unable to fully appreciate the things right in front of me. I knew this. I knew it was going to be a dark journey into the center of my own personal abyss. While I was dwelling there, I was contacted by someone who had seen my profile on an online dating site. For whatever reason, from the very first email and eventual text messages, I was more honest right from the start with this girl that I had been with anyone in probably about ten years. More so, I was being honest with myself and showing her the real person beneath the Brittany St Jordan facade.

Yes, as in has a vagina she was born with, girl. I had been having some very interesting times with a couple of girls before we had met. It turns out that being off of my estrogen and testosterone blockers is actually kind of a nice thing. I spent so long trying to be something beyond myself that I completely lost all sense of who I really am. Who is Brittany without the cameras rolling, without entertaining people and without feminizing hormones? A much happier person who accepts her gender within the body she was given.

Here is the thing I've found about taking pills. I've always gotten on my soapbox about people who take anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and all other kinds of pills to make them think life is all better. My classic take on it was I only taking HRT but nothing else. That's like saying I only do heroin but at least it's not meth. It's still chemically altering the body to do something that it's a total conflict of the biology of my body. So I set out to see just what would happen without those magic little pills.

It turns out that getting erections is a little unsettling at first but I've found ways to go out in public without anyone noticing. I've even started wearing yoga pants in public and there is no unsightly bump at all. Another thing is body hair comes in a lot faster. Epilator, tweezers and razors are amazing at taking care of that so no big deal. And the other thing is using a dick what it's deigned for, going into pussy, feels pretty fucking good. I know, I'm the freak because I use my dick the way it was intended.

So does this mean a total back to all out guy? No, I hated being a guy. I've always enjoyed being feminine and I just happened to also like girls. It was something I gave up on when my last relationship went south right before I decided to live as a girl. What girl in their right mind would want to be in a lesbian relationship with me? Evidently someone from my local area who found me on an online dating site. Yea, it's still rocking my world a little bit.

After a week or so of text messaging we finally set up a day to go out for brunch and go through the interview portion of a first date. I was instantly drawn to this girl from the moment I sat in her car. Emotionally it was like sitting in the middle of a tornado but simply by having her there everything felt perfectly safe. I knew right there that either this girl was going to break my heart into a million pieces or she's going to be the beacon of light my life is in need of. There is only one way to find out.

Open honest communication is by far something most of my relationships have never been built on. This girl deserves the real me so I let down the bullshit barriers from day one. Since then it has been more and more of my own personal barriers put up to keep the world out being shattered to pieces. I'm constantly finding myself facing past anxieties of how people treated me and force myself to keep from applying the same repressed memories to this brand new budding relationship. Each time this happens I find myself smiling in victory of overcoming my own limitations and find myself very thankful to have someone in my life to give me the motivation to do this.

I gave up on life a long time ago. I resigned myself to fate and have been going through the motions of keeping my head above water so that I can wake up and do it all again another day. I've been living and surviving. Now, my life is thriving. All it took was one amazing girl out of nowhere to give me the hope and inspiration I need to finally be able to enjoy a life of love instead of a life of fear. It's a really great feeling to actually be here and see exactly what I've been missing out on while I've been feeling sorry for myself.

One of our conversations concerned us sharing particular things about one another since we have found ourselves getting emotionally invested in our relationship. This was when I told her about my Huntington's. It has been so long since I've brought up the topic with anyone that I was scared to talk about it. Her reaction was one of reassurance and a heartfelt kiss followed by snuggling her head onto my chest. This was more than I could have asked for in a response to me ever telling someone about Huntington's. It was this single act of humanity to break down the last few walls I had to keep the world out.

Along with this I now have someone in my life who enjoys all of the aspects about myself that I had kept hidden for a very long time because I either felt ashamed of them or felt that I wanted to be something else to fit in with everyone else. I gave up on working out as I wanted that nice soft round body of a feminine physique. Now I’ve discovered that not only do I have an amazing body that many women desire to have but also that strong is sexy. Regaining that bit of self-confidence is like being infused with the essence of goddess of unlimited power.

It has been a domino effect ever since finding my light at the end of the tunnel. One thing after another has me facing internal demons and I keep slaying them each and every time. I'm finally free of the chains I wrapped around myself to protect myself from the world around me. Having that driving force to fill me with the desire to crawl out of bed each and everyday and push myself out of my comfort zone is exactly what I needed to put my ass into gear. I still have plenty of life left and there is so much to enjoy instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

The twist to the story is that she also has a boyfriend, who she has been with for quite awhile. Since moving back to VA I've been introduced to the world of polyamory. Which is having multiple relationships at once. Love for many. The way she found me online is her boyfriend was a fan of my porn and gave her the idea to contact me. Because of this, my Huntington's has caused me to live a life full of such rich experiences which led me to the world of porn and ended up being the catalyst to meeting the girl of my dreams. I have miraculously dropped all of my boundaries and my curse has now become blessing.

So here I sit on the edge of a world of nothing but new beginnings and brighter possibilities. As the final sparks of an eradicated past fizzles off into nothing I have only the wide open world of everything right in front of me. Every choice I make from here on out can either be of love or fear and since there is nothing to fear but fear itself it looks like my world is about to be a whole lot brighter in ways beyond my wildest imagination. Now everyday is a good day to be me.

As far as the Huntington's goes, the one major hope I'm holding on to is stem cell treatment that can eradicate and heal any of the damage done to the brain. As the new angel in my life has pointed out to me, I have a much greater chance at something coming along than any of my family did before me. She also pointed out that in the mean time I have to fill my life with people that bring me happiness. Which is why I'm keeping her around.

I have no idea what tomorrow may bring. I do know this though. My life is fucking amazing and my past has brought me to where I am today. However, it no longer defines who I am. I'm more than a scared child, a badass Marine or a sexy porn star. I'm a culmination of every happy moment and blissful memory that I've ever experienced throughout my existence. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow my never come so all I have is right now, here, today and I'm going to make it the best right now that I possibly fucking can.

I'm going to live forever or die trying.