I'm A Woman Now

[Brittany St Jordan]

My name was finally all nice and changed legally from Jason to Renae. It took a little while for it to go through but it came to fruition just as I was planning my going back to work as the new me phase of my life. I picked the name Renae as the meaning of it is to start over or to be reborn. I found it to be quite fitting to my current predicament in my life at that time. It has also been quite fitting since then as well. Now I had a new name so it it was time to go get all of that documentation stuff taken care of.

First stop, Social Security office. The guy working that day was upset that I had forgot to bring my divorce decree authorizing a legal name change. Bless his sweet ignorant heart, he had no idea I was dude learning to live as girl. After a quick lesson about what a transsexual is and providing all of my court documents he finally the epiphany of his life. It was all over his face as he calmed down and became very apologetic. We both smiled and wished each a good day as I strolled on out and headed to the DMV.

The new license was quick and painless. The new birth certificate was rather expedient as well. They even gave me an extra copy for being a military veteran. Which was awfully sweet of my redneck home state. Now I had all of my legal paperwork in order to finally live as a girl. Except for that one thing on all them, that fucking letter M. Regardless of anything else those documents said, they very poignantly stated I was a male.

For my redneck state to change anything dealing with gender I would have to undergo irreversible surgery and provide them with a letter from my surgeon stating what had been performed. This was also the case for Social Security as well. I really had no intentions of lopping off any of my body parts just for the sake of fixing a typo some dipshit doctor put on there when I was born. Besides, unless I was standing at a urinal or running around naked nobody was ever going to know what was in my panties anyway.

It got real interesting real quick when guys would hit on me and ask me out. I was all about it but then the whole “This is going to be awkward” thing kicked in so I pretty much shut myself off from guys. That was until I had to go on a business trip to North Carolina for a few days. It just so happened that one of the guys who had been talking to me online at that time lived not from where I was going to be. I got the idea of us going out and spending some time together while I was in the vicinity. He was more than eager to oblige my offer so we set up a date for us to go entertain one another while I was in town.

The place where I was visiting was goold ole sweet Camp Lejuene, NC. This was where I went to infantry school and would soon become the place where an even more momentous occasion took place. Up until this point I had only ever been with women, except for the cuckold evening when I blew a strange guy while my wife was chilling with friends in the living room. I had danced with a few and maybe kissed one here or there but there had been zero times that I had ever been intimate with a guy beyond first base.

We went to check out a movie and grabbed a bite to eat at a local restaurant. Then we took things back to my hotel room to see what could possibly happen that night. I had been on hormones for a little while at this point so there was definitely a desire to finally feel what it was like to be on the other side. To know what it is like to have someone inside of me. I wanted to get fucked.

There a little bit of small talk and soon enough clothes starting coming off. Before I knew it, I was on the bed with my ass up in the air begging for his cock. He knew it was my first time so he was gentle as he put lube on my sweet little hole. Then I could feel his cock pressing against me as my eyes went shut and my teeth lightly clinched together. In the next deep breath that I took I could feel his cock sliding deeper inside of me. He was soon all the way down to his balls as he began grinding his hips while his cock was completely inside of me. I was penetrated for the first time.

I had used small toys and a finger every now and then but there is nothing that compares to feeling of two people having that intimate moment of ecstasy as one of them drives their cock within the other. Now I was that other person and I loved every second of that night. Being taken by someone and letting them be the dominant one was a first for me. Now I was the prey, the prize, the moaning girl with her face buried in the pillows screaming with intense pleasure as I continued taking his cock. Goodbye virginity and innocence.

Feeling that cock twitch and drill right before he came was such an intense feeling of euphoria. He grabbed me tight as he reeled his head back in victorious lament as the cum began to explode from within his balls and in into me. Even though we used a condom there was still the warm sensation of the cum pooled up in the tip rubbing the inside of me. I was his conquest and he had been to the peak to plant his flag and stake his claim as the first guy to ever fuck me like a woman. There is only one first time and mine was fucking epic.

This would spark that part of me that had been dormant for a long time and now I knew what it was like. I wanted it as much as possible. I was always thinking about where I could go, who I could call or when would I have the courage to actually do it instead of sitting home getting myself off while thinking of those things. I wanted dick but I wanted to be a lady about it. Being a filthy tramp just wasn’t my cup of tea. I knew plenty of them and saw the debauchery of almost everything dealing with transgender anything linking back to something dealing with BDSM or porn. Well, that just wasn't who I was. I was better than those fucking freaks.

I decided to go the exact opposite route and got into the whole trans-equality thing. Being that I was living right by Washington DC there was a ton of outlets for anyone wanting to hop on a soapbox and bitch about their troubled life as a transgender american. The only problem that was, I had no discrimination or anti-trans anything in my life. Other than my one Aunt and Uncle there was zero resistance from anyone as I continued flying down the genderfuck rabbit hole. It was actually quite simple becoming the new me.

During my stint as a trans-activist I did a few small things like lobby congress, provide pro-bono photography for groups, was on the board for my local equality group in VA and was the co-chair of Capital Trans Pride one year. All of that pride and equality wore me the fuck out. It was the same people telling the same sob stories over and over again. Nothing ever changed and every time there was a political anything going on we had to suddenly be up in arms about someone not being included in this or that. I got burned out fighting other people's battles for causes that had no merit.

I went through a couple of guys and things really didn't pan out as I hoped they would. I had this new attitude of life is good and wonderful. I was really on a personal high with life and every yahoo I dated slowly made that optimism fade away. One of those fine gentlemen happen to blow me off for several days so I showed up at his house where he lived with his dad. This particular guy worked for the local emergency dispatch in his town. Within minutes of me knocking on his door I was surround by a rapid response team of police at around 8 am on a Sunday in suburbia. I was a little less than pleased to be cuffed and put into a police car before noon.

Everything was sorted out and the cop took the cuffs off. I told him they were a little tight and my wrists hurt. He asked if it was my first time in handcuffs so I told him “yes, by the police.” We had a little chuckle and we all went our separate ways. Me to my house, the cop to his office and the bomb sniffing dog back to the kennel. Later that evening there was a knock on my door really late at night so I grabbed my shotgun, being that I lived in a real shit neighborhood, and went to answer the door. It was a local cop there to issue me my first restraining order. I was just knocking things off the bucket list that day as it was also the first time I had a cop ask me to put the shotgun down.

The next wonderful man of my half lucid fantasies was a friend of one of my roommates I was living with. He was a chronic drunk, a total asshole and just the kind of guy I needed in my life. Shawn sweet loveable douchebag Shawn. We clicked really well and then he found out I had a slightly oversized clit and distended ovaries. We still fooled around a little bit when he was not blackedout drunk and by fool around I mean I mainly gave him head or kept him from falling out of bed in the middle of the night.

He enjoyed the fact the he knew I was putty in his hands. He loved the drama of having me take care of his drunk ass. In some twisted way I enjoyed it too as it gave me responsibility to care for another living thing. I should have bought some fish instead. Regardless of how dysfunctional it was it was still something that got me through the day. Shawn had me wrapped around his alcohol dripping finger but that would only last for so long.

My roommate also had another friend. This one was someone who had been quite infatuated with me online and would consistently invite me to go party with her and her friends. I was always dead set against it she seemed a little too anxious so I blew her off. Well, it turned out that Chloey and my roommate were really good friends and she would be coming by to visit. Chloey was another trans chick who was still in the Navy. When I found out my cyber stalker was going to be coming by for a couple of days I was just a tad set off as I had no idea what to expect.

When I met Chloey for the first time we talked maybe about a total of five minutes in the course of that weekend. It was the following weekend when our conversational abilities would mesh. Shawn was being a dick as usual and Chloey was sitting on the couch in guy mode. Guy mode Chloey was fucking yummy. So in an attempt to make Shawn feel like an ass I went over and laid my head on Chloey's shoulder and we started cuddling on the couch. I was quick to point out to Shawn I no longer needed him as I had a new cuddle buddy.

That little innocent moment of making Shawn feel like an ass turned into a really intense cuddling session with Chloey in bed that night. She rubbed my back, my arms, my legs, my neck and every other part of me with the tips of her fingers for hours. We just laid there talking while she was doing her thing. Spending that night with my cyber stalker was one of the most amazing nights I ever spent with another person. There was no expectation of anything other than to lay there and enjoy what she was doing for me. I really liked this boy.

The following day there was a pool party for the local equality group to which I belonged. I decided to invite Chloey along for the day since we had a really fun time together the day before. Shawn was also previously invited so he showed up as well. When I was asked who the new faces were I introduced them as Chloey and my boy toy Shawn. Yes, I was that much of a bitch. It was what it was so I simply called it as I saw it. Chloey was my new fling and Shown was simply a toy I had grown tired of playing with.

All went well at the party for the rest of the day and we packed up and headed back to the house where we would all be partying again that night. It was Chloey's last weekend to kick back and relax before going out on float with her ship for six months. It was also the last night I would see her as well. When I hadn't be able to track her down for a little while I went looking for her. I soon found her in the upstairs bathroom with make-up done and ready have a girls night in. I froze dead in my tracks and realized I was not ready for this girl.

Being around her in guy mode for a couple days was the most amazing thing ever. Once she put on the clothes and the wig everything in me shut off. I knew in that moment exactly how everyone of my exes felt the first time they saw me. Whatever it was that got triggered I ran from Chloey right back to the boy toy waiting with his drink in hand downstairs. The normalcy of being a babysitter was a better option to me than being with the boy I did like but couldn't handle being with when he was dressed as a girl.

Chloey came down to be gal pals for the night and I was real quick to tell her that it wasn't going to happen. I just couldn't do it and having Shawn right there made the choice to ignore Chloey that much easier to do. She was devastated and took off to go for a nice long drive by herself since I completely destroyed her plans for the evening. I had my boy toy so all was well for me.

A few weeks later Shawn was just a bit too much for any of us so we sort of stopped hanging out and things between us ended. I was single but living in a house with an ever entertaining cast of roommates kept my life from being dull. As a matter of fact there is still the tea kettle on the stove where I shot a warning shot at a roommate with a bb rifle and then pegged her between the eyes when she poked her head up. To be fair though, she had a blowgun. Those were the formative days at Tranny House.

About a month or so before Chloey was set to return from her ship there was a comment made that she would be coming by to visit. I blurted out that there is always room in my bed to which my roommate kindly passed along to her. It dawned on me that Chloey was actually someone special for me. Nobody ever made me feel as good as she did that first night alone. There was no sex involved but the peaceful relaxing energy that night was magical. I wanted more of those nights in my life.

Chloey and I ended up chatting on instant messenger while she was on her way back from float. We cleared up the whole pool party/Shawn fiasco as I apologized repeatedly for being such a bitch. She was flying into Norfolk so she would be needing a ride and I quickly volunteered to be the one to go get her. I sat there in the parking lot watching planes land and depart with no sign of Chloey. She had gotten a cab from the terminal to come meet me where I was at and called to let me know she would be there in a few minutes. As soon as the door on that taxi van opened up I pounced on her like a tiger taking down prey.

Chloey had a passion for something I had little knoledge of, BDSM. I knew she was into fetish play of sorts but I really had clue as to just how deep she was really into it. I would quickly find out though. I came home from work one day and we had the house to ourselves so being playful I took off my belt and swatted her on the ass with it. Her back arched and that ass perked right up begging for more. I was kind enough to oblige that request. It was only a matter of minutes until we were upstairs where things soon escalated to me with a belt in both hands turning Chloey's ass every color of red and purple known to ever exist. This was my introduction to the world of sexual domination.

The concept of pain for pleasure really puzzled me as I was unable to equate them as them both being one in the same. When I saw the blissful reactions of Chloey being savagely beaten it really made it easier for me to understand on some basic level that there was definitely sexual arousal and release from the induction of pain as the endorphins kicked in to make the pain feel good. I was making it feel so good one night that both of my six foot tall bookshelves on either side of my bed came crashing down to the floor from rocking the bed so hard.

Chloey was a pain slut which was fun for me but not so much for anyone else who ever wanted to play with me. There was no begining steps and warming things up so I knew no better. All I knew was that what I did with my girl made her go out of her mind delirious with pleasure. It was through a little research, finding Fetlife and some trial and error that I learned about the intricacies of the BDSM world. There are a million different people who love a million different things and the key is being able to provide that one thing to that one person exactly how they like it. I always enjoy a good challenging fun time.

We ended up moving in together, getting a dog and being a new couple going through the growing pains of what relationships are all about. What we had was by no means the perfect normalcy of couples engaging in a new relationship. We were two trans chicks, one out and proud; one in the closet in the Navy, venturing deeper and deeper into the world of fetishes while breaking limits to find new desires, and we had our dog Bumper. We bitched, we fought, we even called things off a few times but Bumper was the glue that kept us keeping on.

When the lease was up we decided that we needed a house with a yard for Bumper to run around in. So we pooled our resources together and bought a house. Because if a dog is a pacifier for a failing relationship then a house is surely going to make the world a perfect utopia. Everything we did was to better the house in some way. It was a great exercise in team building dynamics for the both of us so it at least gave us something to occupy our time with instead of bitching or complaining about something one of us did to piss the other one off.

I had sold my photography equipment to raise money for getting the house. So at the time I using a little Sony point-shoot-camera for shooting concert photos at a local music venue I used to go to all of the time. Like two or three times a week all of the time. I was friends with the staff and met a lot of the bands that played there so it was always a fun night with really great people whenever I went. It was at one of these shows that I was having a conversation and came to realization I could become a web girl for extra money.

I had mentioned to Chloey several times that when she got out of the Navy she could start doing cam to earn some cash on the side while waiting for college to start. My realization was that I was out of the military and I had nothing preventing me from giving it a shot so I decided it was what I wanted to do. I talked it over with Chloey and she seemed to be ok with it. I found an agency that was booking all models of any type and soon began my new side job as a cam model.

When I first started getting this idea I was far from being ok with anal. It was one of those things I had played with but had yet to really broaden my horizons with. Two fingers up my butt was enough to send me into overload and fly off of the bed, in a good way. I had an average size dildo that was about six inches long and about an inch and a half wide at the based. This was my warm up toy to get me ready for doing cam shows. It was all I could do to get it all the way in without letting everyone in a twenty mile radius know exactly how good that toy felt inside of my ass. I was moving up from fingers to toys and soon enough, some really fun anal beads.

I had everything I needed to get started except for a name. I was going to use Jordan as my first name but decided that since Jordan and Jason were too close it was a bit much for me. I hopped online and started researching names and their meanings to find out what my new moniker would be. Oddly enough there was nothing that meant “Likes to stick things up her butt” on web sites for baby names. Go figure. After a few hours I stumbled upon Brittany and had a certain regal tone to it. So I put Brittany Jordan together but it was still a little off. Then I reached over and put a little Saint right in the middle. That was the moment I embraced Brittany St Jordan for the very first time.

I had lighting experience from doing photography and so I set up some of my lights to brighten up the room for my cam show. Once everything was set up and I double checked the video I was ready to go. I logged in and hit that magic button that would start my show for the entire world to see. That entire world was a couple of people bouncing in out of the room with very little conversation and nobody paying for a private show. Then someone started a conversation by typing the world hello. My mind completely engaged this innocent little word and unleashed the slut within me as I went from zero to sexy faster than the speed of lube on my tight little hole.

It quickly became more than just being on cam to earn some extra money. I really enjoyed the performing and role playing that came with it. Talking dirty to the camera with no audible response was something I became comfortable with rather quick. All of the teasing and pleasing of each show was better than the one prior to it. The paychecks were getting a lot better too. The only thing that was failing was my relationship with Chloey. Because there could be nobody else on cam she was left out in the living room listening to me satisfy people in ways I have not ever done with her. By the time I was done doing my shows I was in no mood for sex but she was so turned on from listening and only got frustrated when I was going right to sleep.

Right before I started doing my cam shows Chloey, who was now Kassy as she was going to legally change her name, was reunited with an old friend via modern technology known as social networking. Her long lost friend Bridget was the crutch that she used to satisfy the emptiness I left within her. I saw the emails all of the time. I saw the constant text messages and instant messenger going off all of the time. I knew full well there more than just a friendly conversation going on and chose to ignore it. I was way too completely wrapped up in my new world of being a cam girl to even give a damn.

I quickly found that my little toy was simply no longer enough for me to get me off. There was a toy store down the street so I went shopping and found a nice eight and half inch long thick realistic looking dildo to begin stepping up my anal game with. I also found a set of silicone anal beads that were eleven inches long with the widest ball being one and three quarter inches in width. These would become my go to toys for everything I would do for quite some time. There was something highly erotic about seeing the loop of those beads hanging out and knowing how far inside of me they went.

After a few months of cam work I decide to start using social networking to start marketing myself. I quickly found a handful of transsexual porn models on Facebook. As I was looking at some of them I decided that I wanted to take my camming to the next level. I found the contact information for a handful of sites which I sent emails to. They all said they would need to have some photos so I had Kassy do an impromptu shoot with me in our bedroom. Once the photos were shot I sent a couple of them off and the first company to say yes they would shoot me was Shemale Yum, run by Grooby. The following weekend would forever change my life.

I knew exactly how much I was going to make from the shoot ahead of time so I went out and bought all new make-up, brushes, clothes and shoes just for the shoot. I was doing this to see what it would be like to be a model and the monetary aspect was secondary. It was only a week away and was counting the minutes like Santa was coming to town to fill my mom, I mean stocking, with holiday cheer. I was sure to stay off of cam for a few days so I could be ready to perform as needed for my big shoot for Shemale Yum.

I had been in front of my own camera plenty of times but now I would be doing it for a professional. I was super excited and could barely contain myself. Upon arriving I was met by Remy, the photog for the day, and her assistant Cane. They both helped me with getting stuff into the room and settled in to start doing hair and make-up. There were a few other girls there as well shooting for Black Tgirls. One of those ladies was sort of the head of their group and had brought them to get some new faces on the screen for Black Tgirls. She was super amazing and very open to offering advice on how to get through a scene. She even allowed us to watch her do her thing for the camera. That maiden of greatness was Sheeba Starr returning from a little break from the scene.

It was soon my turn to do my thing for the camera. Remy gave me some basic instructions as to what she was looking for. I would be stripping down while she shot photos and then playing with a toy while getting some shots of me getting hard. I was on hormones real heavily at that time so it was a surprise I even got anywhere near erect. I was so focused on getting up that I was stuffing toy after toy inside of me to make it happen. On the plus side, I got have a lot of fun sticking things inside of me for a little while. As quick as they started, the photos were finished and it was time to move onto video.

After a quick little Q&A we got to shooting the actual video. I was told to talk to the camera and just be natural. So I treated it just like a cam show. Before I realized it, the video portion was complete and it was on to scene number two. A quick wardrobe change and some make-up adjustments and I was ready to go. Same thing as before with the exception of shooting a pop shot at the end of it. With a little help from a glass butt plug and my realistic looking dildo this was task was easily accomplished. That was a wrap for my portion of the day and I was now one step closer to becoming something I never even imagined I would be, a model.

I left that shoot smiling with a sense of accomplishment beyond anything I had ever felt before. Everything about it just felt right as if the entire universe was in perfect alignment and some magical door of destiny had opened up to some great untouched cosmic gift I had no idea I possessed. It felt so good to have done my first shoot and I wanted to tell the whole world about. I was only a few blocks from where we shot and was already looking forward to the next time. I wanted to feel that emotion again and again.

There was still the thing about having a girlfriend and wanting to do porn. We talked it over and decided that it would be ok as long as I was only doing solo work. That plan went down the tubes real quick because everyone wants to see someone with someone else on camera. Solo stuff is nice but it is the hard core stuff that really sells. Being that Grooby was the only company shooting in my area there was no other offers for me to shoot so it would be a little while before I was back in front of the camera again.

I was looking around at the models who really had a name for themselves and realized something real quick about almost all of them. They all have boobs. I was beyond flat chested even after years of hormones so I decided it was time to take the leap and drop what money I had into some body modification. It was two months after my first shoot that I was going in to have four hundred cubic centimeters of silicone inserted under my pectoral muscles. In just a few hours I went from board to C cup.

It was during this week of recovery while Kassy was caring for me, as I was on pain killers all day and night, that we had some really deep heart to heart discussions. Which we decided that instead of going our seperate ways we would give us one last shot. There were a lot of tears and lots of dialog that neither of us shared until we were forced to sit there and confront one another. It was a very emotional week of recovering but it all had to be said at some point. I was now a model, had boobs and my girlfriend was going to stick by me. Life was great.

That was until I got the email asking to do a hard core scene with Cane, Remy's assistant, for Shemale Yum. There is no amount of love and understanding that can absolve the fact that I was about to get paid to have sex with another person on video and have it put on the internet. As soon as my new 34C boobs were healed enough to bounce around it was time to get to work and there was no stopping me from doing so. Kassy was going to be pissed but she would either get over it or get on with life without me. Either way I had a job to do and it was time to go earn that paycheck.

Cane was a male talent for Black Tgirls in a lot of scenes. I was going to be his first white girl and first Shemale Yum scene. At the first shoot there was a little bit of flirtatious chemistry going on between us so when I was asked to do a scene with him I was more than willing to accept that offer. A lot of people said by doing interracial scenes it will hurt my career. So I decided to kick my career off by doing one and it did nothing to hurt me at all. It felt really good actually and the final cut of the content was pretty sweet as well. It was so good that it was a huge hit with a lot of people and even to this day I get emails telling me how much someone enjoyed that scene.

Kassy would eventually meet Cane at another shoot as she gave the modeling thing a shot for a few scenes. When she finally met him and realized how great he was to be around she was no longer as pissed about me working with him. I was definitely looking forward to that opportunity when I was driving home from work and saw a tweet about Cane being missed. I scrolled through a few lines and found out that Cane had taken his life. Things sort of went blurred for a moment and I regrouped my thoughts. He was a part of the Grooby world as male talent so a good amount of people knew who he was. We all waited for the word to come out as to what had happened while his close family and friends were still figuring things out as they were grieving Cane's loss. It turned out that he reason for ending his life was because of financial burden he felt was inescapable.

I am glad Cane was my first hard core scene instead of some dude there for a paycheck with no interest otherwise. It made me desire to keep on doing what I was doing because the more I did it the more I enjoyed it. There is just something about being on camera performing for the whole world to see. When it is done with passion it comes across the screen at you and you can tell who is there for the joy of it and who just wants the money. I wanted both so I kept on promoting myself online and interacting with fans and fellow industry folks via social networks. It was only a matter of time before I was on a plane to the west coast.

I hit Las Vegas the day after AVN as Kassy had her leaving the Navy party and made it abundantly clear I had to be there for it. I met up with Liberty Harkness and Joanna Jet for a little while. I did a shoot for Frank’s Tgirl World while I was in town and met Steven, the owner of Grooby for the first time. I had such a great time that the following month I was off to LA to shoot for Shemale Pornstar where I got to work wih Christian and do a scene for Joey Silvera. Then I capped off that weekend with the Tranny Awards as I was nominated for Up and Cummer of The Year, which went to Domino Presley I think. Six months into this and already feeling like a star.

Upon my return to Kassy it was quite clear that we weren't going to last. It was completely axed when I decided to start escorting. Providing professional private companionship to whoever wanted it was a little unnerving at first. After the first couple of times were over with and my spare change turned into stacks of twenties I no longer had any guilt or shame about anything. It is amazing how almost doubling my income can really change my perspective on things. That was when I made the choice to pack it all up and head out west to LA.

I was now a single gal on a path to who knows where with nothing to hold me back or slow me down. Bridget was moving in after I was gone and I had enough paid leave from my day job that when I left I was still getting paid for the next month. I had a going away party before my departure and it just so happened that my scene for Joey Silvera came out that day. Shemale XTC 9 was the title. I was on the cover just over the right side of the main cover model but nonetheless I was on the cover and I was so happy with myself. I was now a star.

I packed my car to capacity with clothes, shoes and everything I was going to need to make it out there in the great unknown. I was leaving behind the only life I had ever known for a chance to be something most people ever dream about. Small town girl going back to Cali to make a name for herself and show the world what she could do. I was on a personal high that nothing or no one could have brought me down from. I was now on my own, on my time with nobody telling me what I had to do. There is no greater feeling than freedom.

You can read the other sections of this saga of on my blog

[Prospero]

Congratulations.

[caliuncut]

is this real life?

[Rockit_]

I've been keeping up with your posts, and while they aren't for everyone, I'm enjoying it.

[giovanni_hotel]

I enjoy your posts, Brittany.
Thanx for sharing.

[gimmeurblood]

is this real life?

Is this just fantasy...caught in a landslide. no escape from reality

[robertlouis]

There's definitely a book in there, Brittany. And you write very well. I'd buy it!

[Brittany St Jordan]

is this real life?

Yes, this all actual events from throughout my life on how I got to where I am today.