You can read the other chapters of this story on my blog

One of the most interesting lessons in relationships I ever had with a girl was the first one I met online. What started as innocent flirtation quickly developed into emotional attachment. Her name was Heather and even though we had no way to physically be with one another we often found ourselves talking for endless hours via online chatrooms. For some reason when it came to writing things versus saying things to someone communicating became a whole lot easier. Being able to open up to someone and have that reciprocated felt more special than any one night stand.

Heather and I lived in separate states which might as well have been separate planets as there was no way for us to actually connect in person. We initially started talking with one another several months before I left for bootcamp. When I left for my desensitizing and brainwashing initiation into the Marines I thought it would be the last time Heather and I would ever speak again. Oh how wrong I was about that assumption.

Within my first year as full time baby killer I had a rommate who let me use his laptop to hop on the chatrooms once again. Out of the farthest corner of probability I reconnected with Heather once again. She was still in her hometown and I was about to head back to the east coast on leave for a little while. This would be the perfect way to finally be together in the flesh. I was happier than a fat kid on double snack day.

I would be staying with her at her Mom's place so we had to be a little cautious with our activities. Not so much because of her Mom but more so due to her Grandmother who would show up unannounced. And who was also a part of local government. All that pressure aside, we had some really amazing times together. One of which she pulled a sexy black camisole and said he would look cute on me. This is where my mind hit the brakes, contemplated it and quickly laughed it off and told her it would look a lot better on her. Crisis averted.

One of our adventures would entail us going to a local market and getting some honey sticks. Basically straws filled with flavored honey. We then returned to her room and drizzled that honey all over one another and spent the next several hours attempting to lick it off. Honey is a stubborn substance and it takes a good amount of time to get every bit of it off using only your lips and tongue. This would be were I would hone the fine art of eating pussy. Both of us were eager and willing to please and we did quite often during our days together.

Heather would also drop a bombshell on me as well. She had decided to join the Navy and would be heading off to Chicago while I would be in Okinawa on deployment. From that point on it was making the best of fucked up situation. I was no longer going to be a part of the life a small town girl as she was about to be smack dab in the middle of all the best the navy had to offer her. We wrote back and forth while she was in boot camp learning how to properly abandon ship. It was when she got to Corps School (Nurses school for the Navy) that she finally did abandon ship. Heather had broke it off with me for a guy she met at school.

One would think that would be the end of that but nope, it gets even better. Through the magic of internet once again we got back in touch and now she was stationed in San Diego. Being that I was in California this was actually a silver lining for me as I found out her and her classmate broke up. So after a night of talking with the guys about “The one who got away” there was me and one guy left standing while still doing shots of Jack Daniels. It was through the clarity of the whiskey that we decided I had to go see her.

My roommate was passed out the phone so I grabbed a phone card and twenty bucks from his wallet. I left him a note letting him know that I was following my path and if he had any questions to ask Lou. He didn't see the note until he was already at the checkout with food for the weekend and Lou was so pissed drunk he forgot our conversation. Man, my roommate was pissed.

What my path entailed was a journey of hitchhiking from Twentynine Palms to San Diego to see the girl I loved. I started at around zero dark stupid on a Friday night and spent most of Saturday hitching rides with various strangers on California highways. I was wearing my leather jacket, jeans and combat boots. I looked more like a biker than a Marine so getting rides was sometimes a tad difficult. I also met some really interesting folks from potheads to a Michael Jackson fan who looked like a Mormon version of Elvis. All of this just to see that one girl.

I finally made it to her barracks where I was told she was still working but should be back soon. I was sitting there in the lobby as she walked past me and got on to the elevator. It was as she turned around to hit the button for her floor than she saw me sitting there. I knew she saw me the second we made eye contact but the door had closed and she was going up to her floor. She dropped off her stuff and came back down to greet me and boy was she shocked to see me. I signed in at the front desk and went up to her room to catch up on old times.

It took me about half a minute to realize she was no longer the girl I once loved. The spark that ignited when we were together was drowned in Great Lakes Naval Base. So instead of rekindling anything I got some sleep and began my return trip back to Twentynine Palms the following morning. While hitchhiking a four hundred and twenty mile round trip adventure I was given plenty of time to think about my world and how the one who got away was now gone forever.

About a year later at a change of command ceremony someone taps my shoulder from behind and says we need to talk later after the ceremony. I was in formation so I had no idea who it was or what the fuck I did now to piss someone off. It turned out it was the guy Heather left me for and he was now a Corpsman for my company. My new nurse was the dude my chick was banging and left me for. He saw my tattoos and recognized them from photos. His name was Chase and we became really good friends.

Heather was also far from the one who got away. She was the one who was gone at that moment but that title is for someone who is far more deserving of such a title. Heather just happened to be the chick to break my heart at that point in time. The one who got away was a girl named Amy. Now Amy, well this girl was my everything back in my middle school and high school years. We attempted dating as kids but there was more in world against us than for us but none of that would stop me from riding my bike thirteen miles round trip just for the chance for her to say hello to me.

Amy and I met through her cousin, who I was actively pursuing as my current female infatuation. Her cousin and I were supposed to meet a local amusement park and when she said Amy would be tagging along I was bummed. When I finally met Amy I completely forgot her cousin even existed. Everything this girl did captivated me in ways nobody ever had before I met her. Nobody has ever done so since either. I was barely hitting puberty and I had already found the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Girls were a dime a dozen but this chick, Amy, she was a queen and I respected her as such. She may have been my queen but her sister happened to be local cop and would be a huge brick wall between me and the one girl I have ever truly loved. I may have been permanently friend zoned due to the circumstances at the time but I relished every moment in that zone as long as it gave me a connection with Amy. I was the fucked up kid with long hair and hung out with metal freaks and potheads. Amy was on the exact opposite of that spectrum. Me being who I am I always did my best to ensure those two points collided as often as possible.

Every guy she ever dated was an asshole. Some were assholes simply because they were with her and I wasn't. Others were truly assholes like no other. Even being friend zoned I was always talking with Amy on the phone or making mixed tapes (the things before playlists were a thing) of songs that I thought were most appropriate to share my feelings with her. Regardless of my own personal issues that I was dealing with mixed with other variables keeping Amy and I only as friends I would still to this day drop whatever it is I am doing just for the chance to talk to her.

The last time I saw Amy was shortly after I decided to live as a chick. I made a trip back home to see some friends so we decided to meet at the local gay bar that used to be a strip club back when I was in high school. It was quite interesting to be swinging on the pole in the place where I got my first lap dance now living life as girl. Amy and her sister, who was no an out and proud lesbian, came to meet up for a few drinks. Somehow the topic of the first girl I ever loved came up and Amy looked at me and asked who it was. I said her name was Maggie as that was the current heartache of my life at that time.

As soon as it exited my mouth I could sense a deep pain. Amy finished her drink and said goodbye as she walked out the door. I knew right then and there within my heart that she truly was the one. I lacked the courage to run after her and tell her this as her current boyfriend was waiting in the car for her. There was always that other person in her life that always kept me from sharing my love and adoration for her. Amy was the one who got away and it only happened because I was afraid to tell her that I loved her.

There have been many people who have come and gone throughout my life who I have shared some amazingly intimate times with. Some of those times seemed like love, many were lust and none of them ever gave me the same level of happiness I felt from the smile on Amy's face whenever I would see her. Because of this I am always at a loss when trying to find my fifth element. Amy was the one good thing in my life of misery that I have held on to that since the first day we met and I sat behind her on a log flume ride taking in the sight of her in her bikini top, hair flowing in the air and that smile that could cure the troubles of the entire world.

I have carried this torch within me for the one girl I loved more than life itself. Do I let that go? No, that was the one pure unfucked up thing in my world that got me through those dark times. Amy was, and still is, the one thing that shows me that no matter what I am going through there is always a reason to love. A love beyond any barriers and without expectation. A love that is offered without being forced. A naturally occurring emotion of excitement mixed loyalty and honesty simply because that person exists. It happens once in a lifetime they say. Should that be true then I am truly blessed to have experienced it at all.