The Teen Years (Not Porn)

[Brittany St Jordan]

So what's with all of this really personal stuff on a porn forum? People have asked where I have been so before I can really explain that I have to share what I went through first.

So after putting the first chapter out there and then following it up with a tranny Jedi response to coming out of the closet I should probably fill in the blanks of how I got from point A in the land of beatings and bruises to goddess of my own universe. It would be nice to say it was sunshine and rainbows that defined my life but the only thing that glittered in my world then was the evil bitter queen deep within me. She just happened be encased deep inside a shell of hatred towards everyone and everything in my life. I knew she was there and the only time anyone else got to see her was on Halloween.

Up until the age of twelve I had yet to even kiss a girl. Being that I was living in super straight headbanger rock and roll metal land this was kind of weird. All of my guy friends had girlfriends. Even the fat dudes has some arm candy to make out with behind the bleachers at the football games on Friday nights. Most of the girls I hung out with were, shall I say, a little less morally obligated to retain their virginity. One would think this would be a no-contest when it came to having some sweet female companionship in my life. If one knew the lack of self-worth and confidence that I had they would understand why I was one of the few people not going to third base under the bleachers at the football game.

It was around this time that I discovered a great alternative to worrying about girls or dating or anything else for that matter. Masturbation become my newest friend. Everyone talked about it. People got teased for doing it. I had no idea what was going to happen when I tried it. With masturbation there was nobody to impress or let down. It was all about me, with me, and for me. I really like this concept so it was time to give it a whirl. I was going to find out exactly what this whole masturbation thing was all about.

I knew what an orgasm was but I had no idea what an orgasm felt like. So my first attempt at pleasing myself was continually interrupted by the sudden urge to pee. Luckily I was right there in the bathtub so the toilet was next to me. However, anytime I felt like I was going to pee and I stood up there was nothing happening. The wondrous process of trial and error with masturbation. It wasn't like I was about go ask Mom “Hey, what is supposed to feel like when I jerk off?” I eventually got through the “OMG I gotta pee” phase and finally learned what an orgasm felt like. And I was sure to double-check my findings at least once a day after that.

Friends are like assholes as in, they are assholes. I had almost gotten caught doing my daily experiment by my Mom and so I ceased and desisted my project without hesitation. The problem was I was using shampoo to keep things nice and slick but without the proper post project cleanup procedures being carried out the shampoo dried to my skin. This was unbearably itching and irritating which resulted in me vigorously scratching my crotch for about three days. During which one of my female friends inquired as to what in the fuck was wrong with my crotch. I got her to swear to keep it our little secret so I told her the whole jerking off with shampoo and almost getting caught story. This later came back to me when a friend of mine heard that I was fucking shampoo bottles.

That particular female friend would end being being one of the first girls I went down on. There was a lot of alcohol involved as me and my friend's step-brother took turns with her one night. Oddly enough she wasn't all too pissed off as she and him ended up dating for awhile afterward. It was through this same friend that I met a girl who still holds the special place in my heart as the first girl I ever kissed. Her name is Heather and she was pen pals with my personal sex-ed stand-in dummy. Heather and I had a short lived relationship as we lived about an hour away from one another. What we did have was a moment that would change my life forever.

My Mom and I had gone shopping at the mall close to Heather's so we stopped in so our parent's could sit down and talk while we went about doing what kids at our age did. I was 12 and she was 13 so I was with an older chick which was the greatest thing in my little hormone addled brain. She was into boy-bands and I was into rock and metal. We were from two sides of the world and for one brief moment those worlds collided. Sure, to anyone who saw us it might have looked like two kids playing tonsil hockey in a barely lit alleyway. However, to me it was like the gates of heaven flew open with a blaring guitar riff and drum solo as the golden winds of the great beyond flowed over our bodies. I finally kissed a girl.

Then the next week she broke up with me. My whole world was shattered. What did I do wrong? Was it too much tongue? Where my hands in the wrong place? Did I have something in my teeth? Did cuntface tell her about me fucking shampoo bottles? I had no idea what it could be only that she said it just wasn't going to work out. This hurt and hurt deep. In the white trash trailer park where I resided at this time there was a playground area with a wide strip of open area that went up on a hill. This became my place of self-pity and reflection throughout this process. It was where I would go to cry as nobody could see or hear me there. Surrounded by trees and in my own little world I dealt with the stinging pain of having the best thing in my life at that time being ripped away from me.

This would be around the time where my hormones desire for sexual satisfaction and my “I want to be Mommy” complex would collide in ways I was in no way to be prepared for. Before when I was playing dress up that was all it was. Now, there was a little tiny bit more to it. Now I was having a visible reaction to putting on pantyhose. Glancing through the closet and surveying my choice of clothing for the day suddenly took on a whole new level of fascination. These moments were rare and less often than I would prefer them so I began to really cherish them. It was usually on snow days or days I was home alone that I would go into my Mom's room and begin my temporary transformation.

Being that I was into the rock and metal scene I had very long hair. This made my personal playtime a whole lot more realistic for me. With a little bit of eye make-up and lipstick I was all set to play little miss dress up as long as I could for that particular day. What changed now was my desire to also be pleased as a girl while dressed like one. My inner queen was slowly chiseling her way out but my day-to-day life kept her very much a private and personal thing. That was until my Mom starting putting all of the clothes of hers that I regularly used into a locked trunk.

She obviously knew something was up but instead of talking to me about it she simply locked these things away. Luckily for me Mom was a bit of a bargain bin kind of gal and used really shitty locks. I quickly figured out how to pick the lock to get at the treasures she had stowed away within. Her cowhore also dropped off a ton of stuff for a yard sale. Jack-fucking-pot baby! She was the same size shoe as me so I scored an entire free wardrobe of my own. So now I had access to the stuff my Mom tried to hide as well as my own little collection of clothes and shoes. I really had no reason to ever leave my room ever again.

There was the whole school thing, friends wanting to hang out, and the basic need for food that draw me out of my darkened room away from my world of me. One of the other girls who lived in the trailer park was super fucking awesome and really was the best thing that could have happened for me. She was into cosmetology and was always doing something new with her hair and make-up. So I was always watching and studying her as this was my only connection with anyone who enjoyed clothes and make-up as much as I did and we liked the same music. So whenever I was outside of my cave I was now looking for new ways to improve my own self when I was playing dress-up in my room.

To the outside world I was the long-haired freaky kid who read a lot of books on witchcraft and hung out with other metalheads. We all had a “FTW” attitude towards everyone and we would always be quick to prove it. The only respect we had for anyone or anything was that there was absolutely zero. Friends and enemies were difficult to separate into different groups. Trust and loyalty would only lead to disappointment and anger. I learned through trial and error what real friends were and what is was like to be betrayed by yet again more people I allowed to be close. Friends became bullies instead of allies and my little network of people I let get close to me quickly dwindled to only a few.

Inside was a whole other story. Without all of the pressure and bullshit that goes into being a teenager life was simple. Staying at home and playing dress-up in my room was a great way to escape the insanity and just be at peace for a little while. It was my safety net. No matter how worthless the outside world made me feel I was always in perfect harmony when I was alone and discovering more and more of the queen within. I was finding myself more and more comfortable simply being alone and in whatever outfit of choice I picked out for the day. And then came porn.

I have no idea who it belonged to but there was a group of us sitting in my room watching a porn movie one of them had gotten a hold of. I had seen glimpses of porn here and there but this would be my first actual sit down and watch every detail of porn lesson of life. So now I was well aware of how people were supposed to have sex. This was my blueprint of how sex was supposed to happen and had been permanently etched into my brain. Being that I was lacking a pussy just where in the fuck was the cock going to go when I dressed like girl? Oh, yea, right.... well that wasn't going to happen because then I would be gay.

Yes, I enjoyed being a girl but I was also very much attracted to them as well. All through my years as a kid I was always wanting to be with girls, kiss girls, tease girls, and generally anything that dealt with being with or around girls. Not once did ever get drunk, high or both and end up making out or fondling one of my guy friends. I can count numerous boob grabs and make-out sessions with girls though. The thought of being with a dude was a total ohhellfuckno response. I may have enjoyed the fantasy of being a girl but there was no fucking way I was ever gay. Lesbian, yes. Fag, no way in hell.

To help me sort all of this out the girl who I had a major crush on had a little sister who was a total slut. She was 12 and had seen more action sexually than most college seniors after pledge week. I was 13 at this time and little miss hobag and myself were walking together as she wanted someone to talk to on her way home. She looked over and said she wanted to fuck me. I countered with “no condoms.” She checked with “on the pill.” “What about STDs?” I quipped back. “I'm clean, you can trust me” was the check-mate that made me the think this was a great idea.

It was dark and cloudy as we were walking past the elementary school we both had just been attending a few years earlier. We decided to go up to the upper playground area and jump the fence into the woods. There was no romance involved as we both stripped our clothes off and scattered them everywhere. She laid on the ground and I was on top of her. We were kissing and fondling one another so we did have a little bit of foreplay going on. The next thing I knew was I was inside of her. No condom bareback full on penetrative sex for the very time. As we continued to have sex the rain began to fall and with every thrust of myself into her my leg would hit a branch that would poke me right in the butt with each backstroke. So as I lost my virginity that rainy night mother nature was right there to give me a little something extra to enjoy.

I am sure the ages of 12 and 13 may be a bit shocking but when her 23 year old boyfriend found out what happened he was way more pissed than anyone else would ever be over this story. The thing about small town life is everyone knows everything as soon as it happens. So with certain death promised to me if I ever touched her again I left our one-night encounter just as such and never pursued it any further. I did however go back to my cosmo friend and fill her in on the details. Amongst my my friends I was one of the last to finally lose their virginity. I guess being white trash sort had a few benefits because when I hear about people waiting for the perfect moment it baffles me. There is no perfect time to lose your virginity. It is simply a lesson in life we all must face or become priests and fondle alter boys in the confessional booth

One thing that I knew for sure was that I definitely enjoyed pussy. I enjoyed pussy a lot. I had new found appreciation for pussy so much I deeply desired to have one so I could feel what it is like to be on the receiving end of sex. Sure, anal was an option but that was in no way a direct representation of what a woman felt when being fingered, eaten out or fucked. Outside of the prostate, I am sure anal sex for either male or female is pretty much the same. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a self-lubricating bundle of flesh and nerves that could send me into orgasmic oblivion. I wanted a pussy as that would really make me a girl.

This was my life at 13. I was a ball of harmonious confusion splattered with insecurity and doubt. I knew what I wanted to be. I simply had no means of ever voicing it to anyone else. The only time anyone ever got to see the real me was on every fairy in a dress's favorite holiday, Halloween. I was an Indian princess, a french maid/hooker, peter pan with tights and a dress and every year I stayed in those costumes until I had to take them off. This was my world and I was adapting quite well. I was able to balance my inner world with my outer world and be able to make sense of it all. That was until fucking Bob showed up.

At some point my Mom got the brilliant idea once again that we needed to have a man around the house. It just so happened a friend of one of my uncles was getting out of federal prison soon so they put the two of them in touch with each other. Everything that I thought to be true in my life at this point was about to come to another screeching halt. It turns out that anything Step-Daddy Dickhead could do this fucking prick could do 100 times worse. Bob was the kind of guy that would find out what it was that pissed you off and do it a million times just so your day would suck a tiny bit more than the one before it. Real winning bring home to live with us kind of material.

It wasn't long before my box of clothes and shoes was gone from my closet. Bob was always home doing whatever it is a former 1% biker ex-con does to keep busy. This usually included fucking my mom and berating me for whatever the day's insecurity was. Bob and I were less than friends. As matter of fact I fucking hated this guy. A deep searing river of anger and hatred replaced my little inner queen. There was no more hiding or playing fantasy anything. Life just got extremely real and was only going to get worse.

Bob may have been a dickhead of all dickheads but it was my Mom's fault that this dickhead was even in our lives. I took being a rebellious teen to a whole new level and took everything out on my mom. No matter what the situation was or whose fault it was Mommy dearest always got the blame for it. Bad day at school, fuck you mom. Friends are fucking losers, fuck you mom. Want to crawl up in a ball and cry but can't because Bob will be a dick about it, fuck you mom. Just when things started looking as if all was well, along came Bob to fuck it all up and it was all mommy's fault.

Bob's only goal in life was to be a dick to everyone. He had zero purpose otherwise. Nobody was safe from the foul hatred that oozed from his very being. I knew that pissing off this guy could quite possibly end up with me never being seen ever again. Knowing you are going to an ass whooping is one thing. Knowing you could potentially be dead is a whole new world of “Oh Fuck!” As most felons do, Bob was quick to brag about his gruesome and horrifying means of biker survival and
prison justice. I was fifteen years old and had the boogie man, the grim reaper and Satan's left testicle all combined to create the beast fucking my mom at the other end of the trailer.

This did absolutely nothing to resolve my “I wanna be Mommy” complex by any means. All it did was infuriate me that I was being kept from having my little bit of peace and solitude that I had come to enjoy. Instead of skirts and heels now I was being forced to deal with Bob the patron demon of douchebags. For the better part of eighteen months I only grew to hate Bob more and more every day. Then something miraculous happened. Mom kicked his ass out. What appeared at as a blessing soon became a very dark curse.

The dickhead was now being nice to me. Instead of the usual berating he took me under his wing and was actually really fucking cool for a change. He was buying me alcohol, letting me drive his truck, scoring me pot and even turned me on to snorting a few lines of crank one night. I had zero idea what crank was and after my one and only experience with it I won't ever touch that shit again. I was up for several days, crashed on a Monday and woke up on Wednesday. That was a little bit too intense so I have no inclination to ever want to repeat that performance.

Now that Bob and my Mom weren’t technically together any longer it was like having my own security guard who had no problem providing me with cigarettes, alcohol and pot on a daily basis. The one thing that really solidified our new bond was the fact we both really fucking hated my mother. While Bob and I traveled around the country roads smoking and drinking I learned a lot about how to be a very corrupt person and how not to give a shit enough to get away with it. My closet person to a father figure was a former 1% biker federal ex-con who hated my mother. How could this possibly go wrong?

I had hit a point where I was pretty much fed up living with my mom. We had finally reached the point where we were throwing fists. Everything I said pissed her off. Everything she said pissed me off. So with Bob's help I packed up my stuff and moved to my Grandmother's house. This meant I was back with a whole different group of friends, a different school and a new start without all of the previous bullshit. You would be amazed at how well bullshit tends to follow me.

Now that I was back with the kids I went to Sunday School with I was in a better social standing as I was a bit more rugged around the edges after being indoctrinated into young adult life by Bob the wonder felon. The fact that I could also get anything for anyone at anytime meant I was now the connection for everyone's addiction of choice. Be it weed, smokes or drinks galore I was able to get it all. Amongst our little group of redneck misfits I was doing pretty good for myself.

After a few months of fun and mayhem Bob hit a wall somewhere in the back of his head. He came up with an idea that, well, scared the fuck out of me but who was I to argue. He sat me and one of my friends down and told me to take his truck and get as far away as possible. His plan was he was going to go to my mom's and kill her and then himself. He sat there with the loaded rifle so who was I to talk him out of it? My friend and I hopped in the truck and drove off.

To this day I have no idea what happened in the trailer that night. What I do know is Bob called me the next day to come pick him up at a hotel he frequented. I asked no questions and he gave no story. Being that he was still breathing without any bullet holes I was assuming that my mom was still alive and well. We simply continued our usual nightly shenanigans and life went on. At least for a couple of months anyway.

We found out that she was staying in a woman’s shelter a few towns away so we started harassing them as well. It was almost 4th of July so we had tons of bottle rockets and fireworks that we would launch out at the property as we drove by. No regard for anyone else and living the rebel life. Then one day life got real. Bob was still on the hunt for my mom's head on a stick as she had evidently really pissed him off. So to ensure that in the off chance she would pop out somewhere he bought a shotgun and sawed it off to fit inside the wheel well of his truck. We even found an empty house that overlooked the property where my mom was staying. Here I was being the spotter for the man who was an outlaw sniper hunting my mother. Great way to spend summer vacation.

Before the summer came to an end we went on a little road trip to go see Bob's brother and some of their friends. My cousin was working the door of a bar so I got in with no worries. Not my first time drinking underage. It was my first time doing it in a bar. We were all sitting there and shooting the shit while we alternated beer and cigarettes with each hand. Then out of nowhere this amazingly hot chick hits the dance floor and we all stopped what we were doing. This girl was amazing. It was like some amazingly sexy girl had stepped right out of a video on Mtv and was dancing her ass off for everyone to see. This would become one the best nights of my young life.

It turned out that she was in fact a dancer. She was a stripper at local club and was there with her dickhead of a manager. She was trying to have fun and he was there being an overbearing babysitter. After a few rounds of dancing together she went back to the bar and I went to the table where I had been sitting. It was all I could do to keep my eyes off of her at the bar with her manager. So I walked over and sat down next to her. We could finally hear one another so I introduced myself and we made some innocent small talk. At some point I had put my hand on her leg and her manager started flipping out about it. She said she wanted to ditch him and leave and asked if I could give her a lift. I smiled and said I would go ask.

I relayed the story to the guys I was with as they were all gawking at me for going up and talking to this girl. I told them how she wanted to bail on this guy and Bob said it was cool with him. I went over told her she could come with us so she grabbed her things and was wrapped around my shoulder walking out of the bar. I had just left the bar with the girl everyone else was going to home and jerk off while wishing they were with her. We hopped in the truck and Bob was quick to let her know that if she was law enforcement he would be obliged to throw her out. To prove beyond a shadow of a doubt she was the real deal she whipped out her boobs and began making out with me. It was a few minutes later and I was receiving a blow job while we were driving down the highway.

She was flashing the rest of our group in the truck behind us. This chick had no reservations about enjoy sex in every way possible. Our first stop was back at Bob's parent's property where we all went to the garage where there was a pool table and a lot of open space. She hopped up on the pool table and started stripping right there. It was way better than any other strip show because this was all hands on with no asshole bouncers. She slid off of the pool table and came over to give us lap dances. Once she finished grinding all over me she spun around and hit her knees as she started blowing me again. This would be my first time having sex and being watched. I actually kind of liked it as I was getting all of the attention.

We decided we would take her out for a ride but along the way we were going to take her to see one the guys they knew at a gas station off of the interstate. It was late at night and all you could see through the glass of the gas station was this beautiful naked girl dancing on the counters inside. After the show was over we all piled back into a SUV and was heading out to the middle of nowhere. One of the other guys picked up a chick as well except all she did was bitch and complain the other one kept getting naked and sucking cock. Bob had his brother pull the truck over and kicked the whiny chick out and we kept on heading down the road.

We got to wherever it was we were heading to and things went from interesting to holy fuck in less than two seconds. I was sitting on the console facing the back of the vehicle, she was on her back with head back sucking my cock while Bob's brother was at the end fucking her. Once he was done I took over and we went at until we were both wore out. She ended up falling asleep on my lap as we drove her home. I walked her to her door where we kissed one last time and I never saw her again. Her name was Jen.

That would be the last great time Bob and I would share together in such a manner. The urge to eliminate my mother from existence became his only motivation in life. Being that I was his renegade sidekick I too was caught up in the game of it all. All of that deep seeded hatred within me that had built up since birth was all being aimed right at her. Bob had gotten word that she was out of the shelter and back home in the trailer again. This gave him the idea to get a little more creative than going in and arguing with her. He decided he wanted to set the trailer on fire so it would be destroyed. This was his new goal and as it was what Bob wants it wold be what Bob gets.

The first attempt he tried to let a cigarette burn on the couch and it did absolutely nothing. The next attempt he tried an idea I gave him to light the cigarette and line it with matches while sitting on newspaper. This worked. I wasn't there for the actual ignition of anything. I dropped Bob off and he walked to the trailer. I later picked him up and we drove far away from the scene. I ended up going to sleep and waking up with the sun beating down on me through the glass. At this point I had no idea if attempt number two was a success or not. I found real quick when I got home and my Grandmother informed me that my mom's house had caught fire. To which I probably replied “NO SHIT!??”

About a week later the state police call me and ask if I can come in for questioning. Since I was a minor living with my Grandmother she had to go as well. I went in and the officer and I played cat and mouse for a little while until he hit me with the fact that someone saw Bob's truck drive past the scene early that morning. Evidently while I was asleep Mr pro felon broke the rule about not returning to the scene of the crime. I was facing charges with enough time attached to them to put me into custody for 50+ years. It took me about ten minutes to tell the officer every single detail of everything that I knew.

That night Bob called me and as he hung up the phone it would be the last time we ever talked to one another. As we hung up he was arrested by the local police in the town where he was at. He was caught with the sawed off shotgun which was a big no-no since he was on federal probation and never allowed near guns ever again. Because of this the case went to the ATF. Yes, the people who rip down down doors were now sitting in my Grandmother's kitchen getting my statement.

The thing was the shotgun being sawed off had to be proven he had done. I just so happened to know where it happened and where the barrel was. With the sawed off barrel along with my testimony Bob was going to be going back to prison for a long fucking time. I was the only kid in high school to have an excuse for being absent written on ATF letterhead as I had to testify at the grand jury. This was just the first step in the ladder leading me out of my own personal hell I found myself in. Without Bob around everyone's addictions had to be fed by someone else. I single handedly ruined my relationships with all of my friends in order to save my own ass from going to jail.

Now I was left with a couple of friends and my Grandmother and everyone wanted to know why I did it. I was caught up so much with the factor of revenge that the thought of any possible outcome wasn't a factor in any of it. It was only when the police said hey fucko, wake up that I did. As soon as I did it was a fountain of detail after detail pouring out of me as I explained our every move and action as well as why we did each one. His parole officer did almost shit when I told him that where Bob hid the shotgun in the wheel well of his truck. The reason being is that one day he came out to do a surprise inspection on the truck and found nothing when in fact the gun was just out of plain view and had he slipped a hand into a crevice he would have found it. A lot of details came out of that situation that nobody ever expected.

There were a few small court hearings where Bob threatened to kill me while we sat in the courtroom. Once all of the small local stuff was taken care of we moved on up the federal side of things. That morning was the first time I had actually seen my mom in a very long time. We chatted for a little bit and made our way into the courthouse. I went to my waiting area and she went to hers. I was with the officers who were on the case from the day it happened and we were going over everything that I was going to have to talk about. As I was getting ready to go into the courtroom another officer came in and delivered the news I wouldn't be required to testify.

It turned out that my mom was afraid to face him in court so she signed a plea bargain which he accepted. I was ready to lock him away for the rest of life after he used me as a pawn for his own personal gain. Bob ended up serving his sentence and has done his time. He is now back on the streets and has been for quite sometime. When I first found out he was being released I was a little frightened for my family as I knew what he was capable of doing. So far he has yet to resurface and I am quite ok with that. The Bob years were a rough time that I really have no ambition to ever live through again.

My friends eventually forgave me for having our personal addiction provider locked up and being a nark. When I explained to them that it was either him or me going to jail they understood. I was still a minor and when it was said and done the law enforcement folks who I worked with talked with the judge in my case and I had everything dropped to six months of probation and $1000 restitution which my Grandmother paid that day. I went through hell and by standing up for myself I came out of it almost unscathed. That time I saw my Mom at the courthouse would be the last time for a very very long time.

I share this because it was my life. I did more wild and crazy things as a teenager than some people will ever do in their entire life. It was like a frat party that had no end to it and nobody there to say stop. Once the court stuff was over and Bob was off to prison again, I was finally able to have a somewhat normal time hanging out with friends and going to school. I was still a rebellious jackass but I was no longer ready to kill everyone. Some people get forged into who they are on the sports field. I was personally trained how to survive by a career criminal who treated me like his own delinquent child.

[gaysian71]

Wow what an amazing life you had. I just sat here and read your entire post! I'm sure there are many others here doing the same thing. The thoughts and memories that you have stored in your head totally amaze me. I am going to read the rest of your blog when I get home later. I would read them now, but I know if I start I won't be able to stop until I'm done and that could take the rest of the day.

It's amazing how one so beautiful could have such a life. If you ever write a book, I'll buy it for sure.