Bummer Man

[tsmirandameadows]

So, the guy was a client who took you out on a date? What did you do?

No. He was a man who approached me, expressed (supposedly) genuine interest in me, and was hoping to have an ongoing, serious relationship. He was kind, articulated himself very well, and presented himself as quality relationship material. As we were feeling each other out, I asked him up front what exactly he was looking for, saying that if was just looking for a casual, FWB relationship, I was fine with that but that he knew what my rates were, but otherwise I was willing to see him just as a normal guy asking me out. No obligations for the latter, of course -- we could after all completely fail to click in person -- but the expectation was that he making a serious attempt to engage in serious courtship with me. Evidently that was all bullshit, he just wanted a one-off, illicit thrill but didn't want to have to pay a provider. So he played me, and I fell for it because he offered up so much information about himself that I figured he had to be real.

[tsmirandameadows]

Here's the actual exchange:

Hi Miranda,

I sent you a PM on HA, but wasn't sure which was the best way to reach you. I've been admiring your blog and postings, and have to admit I'm quite smitten. I am dying to see you. Not only are absolutely, stunningly gorgeous, but you're clearly a highly intelligent, thoughtful, and witty young woman.

I've actually never proposed something so brazen before, but I would love to treat you to a date some time. Would you be interested? If so, please give me a call or text at xxx-xxx-xxxx, or shoot me an e-mail.

About myself: I'm a 29 year old attorney living in Marina Del Rey (you are worth the flight to the Bay Area!). I'm 6 foot 2, with a slight build and sandy-blond hair. I love reading, the theatre, films of all sorts, classic gaming, and Japanese culture. I also have three pet chinchillas: Titus (my first), Crayon (his mate), and Baby (their scion). Titus, in particular, is an immensely clever fellow.

I've also attached two photographs (that's me as Count Chocula). Please let me know if you need anything additional.

I really hope we can make this work. It'll be something very special. Thanks so much!

All the Best,

To which I replied:

I read your email earlier and was thinking about it throughout my run this evening. I am very flattered at the apparent sincerity of your interest and must say that I am quite interested. You're cute, and we appear to share some common interests, but more importantly you express yourself well, and that is easily my single biggest turn-on with men whom I date seriously. Is that what you're looking for? Something more serious? Usually a willingness to make a seven hour drive or catch a plane implies such a thing, but I'd like to know for certain what exactly you're looking for.

Likewise, I need to ask if you are comfortable seeing someone who is a part-time escort. I'm not asking because I expect to see you as a client -- unless all you are looking for is an extremely casual FWB type thing -- but because I had written off being able to date while engaged in such work, and thus am a bit surprised at being approached for, well, an actual date.
Are you okay with seeing someone who does that kind of work? Do you understand that right now that's something I can't give up because it is how I will finance my transition, and that as much as I long for what a relationship could bring, transition is my number one priority right now? I ask this not because I'm trying to drive you away. In fact, it's the opposite: I'm interested, I can see real potential, but I just don't want to get my hopes up prematurely.

I'm a bit concerned about the logistics of seeing each other given the geographic distance between us, but I suppose we can figure that out later.

And his response, all of which is now clearly utter bullshit:

Thank you for your tender, thoughtful reply. It synthesizes all the qualities that attracted me to you in the first place: honesty, forthrightness, and a genuine sweetness. I must say that I am very humbled that you find me attractive too.

I know this is all so sudden, and I'll admit this wasn't planned-out very well on my part. I felt a strong physical attraction to you the moment I saw your photographs, and that only deepened once I read your various postings and tweets. At a certain point, I just stopped and knew I had to see you. I want to take you out on a date and show you a good time, and hopefully get to know you better. Let me know some of your favorite places in SF. I can tell the past few months have been very stressful, and I really want to treat you to something that will lift your spirits. At this stage, we can play it by ear and see how it goes, but I know I would want to see you on a more regular basis if we click. I know it sounds crazy to travel all that way to see someone I've never met, but you a truly unique woman. I've never been struck by anyone in such a way that I actually feel compelled to travel a great distance to meet them, but I'm certainly feeling it right now.

I have absolutely no issue with you being an escort, and I knew about it ahead of time through your postings on HA. I completely understand that society has placed so many transpersons in this situation. I wish that the world wasn't such a place that a girl as obviously well-educated and personable as you has to look to escorting as the best means to fund your transition. I make no judgments, though, and fully support your decision. You seem positive about the whole situation, based on your postings, and you genuinely seem to love sex. I am probably the least possessive-type of man there is, and am certainly in no position to lecture. You're your own woman. I know how expensive treatments with Dr. O'Dea can be . . . $650 to $800 every three months is a lot of money on top of living expenses, and I am sure you are saving up for some cosmetic procedures as well. If there's anything I can do to help you in this regard, please let me know.

If my message to you brightened your day in any way, I'm glad. I must admit some of your blog posts and tweets have saddened me terribly. I hate to see such a beautiful girl troubled by such tremendous stress and bouts of depression. I hope you're in a better place after your move. You're amazing, and I hope you realize that. The future needs more people like you.

[tsmirandameadows]

there is so much wrong with your attitude miranda.

Yeah, I'm the asshole for being miffed that a guy misrepresented himself so as to use my services as an escort without paying for them.

Granted I was naive to believe him, but naivety on my part hardly excuses him from culpability.

[nysprod]

You lost me...where did he say he wanted to use your escort services?

[tsmirandameadows]

You lost me...where did he say he wanted to use your escort services?

He didn't. That's the point. This is what he said to me this evening:

I am not the man I made myself out to be. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for over three years, and began contacting you without her knowing. The words I wrote were said out of lust and a sense of illicit thrill. From the start, it was never my intention to see you again.

In short he wanted a once-off fuck born of "lust and a sense of illicit thrill", i.e. what I told him would require a provider-client relationship if that's all he was seeking. He deceitfully told me that he was seriously interested in seeing me, and thus I agreed to see him under such terms. Had I known he had no intention to ever see me again and just wanted the thrill of infidelity and satisfied lust, I still would have seen him, but he would have had to pay for it like any other client I see.

[nysprod]

Ok, so did you go on an actual date like with dinner that ended up as a romp, or was it just a hook-up someplace?

[tsmirandameadows]

Ok, so did you go on an actual date like with dinner that ended up as a romp, or was it just a hook-up someplace?

Actual date. Spent the day and night and following morning with him. To me it felt like what he presented it as: an actual date with a man who was genuinely interested in me and who wanted to give me a happy and memorable time. Our dinner together was lovely and the walk back down Nob Hill to his hotel was utterly magical: the night was clear and beautiful, I was on the arm of (I thought) a gentleman, we had a perfect view of the light sculpture on the Bay Bridge, glittering in the distance, and the pleasant and meaningful conversation of dinner continued as we walked. As far as I was concerned I had finally arrived as a young woman, actually living what I had always dreamed of. Turns out he just didn't want to pay a fee.

[nysprod]

Ok, so as I said, chalk it up to experience. FYI, perhaps you've arrived as a woman more than you even realize, because this kind of thing happens to girls all the time and they're left feeling exactly the same as you do now.

[Prospero]

The guy was a creep. I am sorry to hear this has happened to you - having read your posts here and seen your pictures. I admire you for your intelligence. And beauty. And openness. But I suspect a lot of guys would play you this way. It's a lesson learned, sadly.

I am involved myself in a developing friendship with a girl who is escorting. But it is a friendship. I've made it clear that if and when we have sex again I will pay unless we have genuinely moved into something more. (She has offered free sessions) I have said no - because that then makes me someone just out to do what this guy did to you. Score a strings free encounter. It was very dishonest unless you both agree upfront to this and that final message from him was just horrible.
I feel sorry to hear you went through this. Anger is the best response - but then let it go. I just hope you actually enjoyed the date. As NYSprod says this sort of thing does happen to a lot of girls - and some guys i think - in the world of dating.

[tsmirandameadows]

The guy was a creep. I am sorry to hear this has happened to you - having read your posts here and seen your pictures. I admire you for your intelligence. And beauty. And openness. But I suspect a lot of guys would play you this way. It's a lesson learned, sadly.

I am involved myself in a developing friendship with a girl who is escorting. But it is a friendship. I've made it clear that if and when we have sex again I will pay unless we have genuinely moved into something more. (She has offered free sessions) I have said no - because that then makes me someone just out to do what this guy did to you. Score a strings free encounter. It was very dishonest unless you both agree upfront to this and that final message from him was just horrible.
I feel sorry to hear you went through this. Anger is the best response - but then let it go. I just hope you actually enjoyed the date. As NYSprod says this sort of thing does happen to a lot of girls - and some guys i think - in the world of dating.

I did very much enjoy the date. Honestly, it WAS the most special and significant dinner out of my life. Then this happened and I don't know what the hell to think. I just don't see how he could have been so sweet and supportive and kind to me while we were together yet have nothing more in his heart than to get a free fuck; it seems borderline sociopathic.

I mean during our dinner conversation I talked a bit about my experience working at a group home for foster youth, and when he queued genuine interest, I opened up completely about it, and given how raw the emotion of that experience remains for me, I at one point began to break down in tears as I described how the narrative of these kids lives is "no one cares about me" and how hard it was to break through that narrative with your own sincere caring. When I began tearing up, and when my voice began breaking, he was so sweet to me, taking my hand and saying I forget what but something that acknowledged both the tragedy of these kids' lives and the effort I and my colleagues put forth trying to help them. As I think about this, it just leaves me aghast that someone could be so disingenuous at what seemed like such a tender moment, and likewise that I could so completely miss how this guy was playing me.

I don't know... while the initial email left me surprised and disappointed, the more I reflect on this now, the more hurt I feel. This really sucks.