President Bush and Whitney Houston

[chefmike]

Didn't They Almost Have It All?
Jamie Reidy

They probably don't know it, but President Bush and Whitney Houston have a lot more in common than names beginning with "W". In fact, Ms. Houston and Dubya have led inverted lives.

I stumbled across that realization yesterday while driving on the 110 Freeway through downtown LA. It didn't come to me all at once; rather, my stream of consciousness nearly grew into a river before I arrived at my startling conclusion.

It started with an appropriately unusual occurrence: my thinking about kids.

As a single guy with little intention -- some would say, "hope" -- of marrying, I don't give the topic of children nearly as much thought as I do things that impact my every day life, like the price of a Maker's and Water at the hip new bar in Manhattan Beach. But I looked up from dialing my cell phone and wham! No, not an accident; a "Baby on Board" sign.

Instantly, I got a warm feeling in my chest, just like I do when I hear "Your Love" by The Outfield or one of the other songs that encapsulates the mid 80s for me. The word "ubiquitous" may have been defined in response to the Baby on Board phenomenon; those freaking things were everywhere. And I still have no idea why.

How did this idea ever make it off the drawing board? Theoretically, the late-for-work maniac with zero concern for his fellow citizens would be shifting gears, drinking scalding McDonald's coffee, and changing lanes at 90 MPH when he'd spot the yellow triangle strategically placed in the rear windshield ahead of him. Instantly, this moving violator would comprehend that he really should be exercising more caution around an infant. As the result, he then would slow to the speed limit. Not bloody likely.

Baby on Board signs exploded onto the scene in 1985 and vanished by 1986. Just like The Outfield.

The similarity bothered me on two levels. First, it served as a painful reminder of my lifelong inability to identify musical talent. "These guys have a huge future ahead of them!" I remember saying more than once after listening their debut album, Play Deep. Second, if a well-intentioned attempt to improve child safety failed, but no better public movements ever followed over the next twenty years, what does that say about our commitment to kids?

Future. Kids. Future. Kids.

Next thing I know, I'm singing Whitney Houston: "I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." Inspirational lyrics. Of course, Ms. Houston had an odd way of walking the walk, as she subsequently got busted for marijuana possession and later allowed her family life to be invaded in the name of reality television.

For some reason, this got me thinking about "No Child Left Behind". Despite making it a major issue in his first campaign, President Bush failed to hammer through Congress the tough bill he envisioned. Consequently, NCLB hasn't sparked many celebrations amongst parents, teachers or kids. What a shame that this once promising program didn't flourish, because the children are our fut...wait a minute!

Whitney and Dubya. Dubya and Whitney. Hmmm. Black woman from Jersey. White man from Texas. What could they possibly have in common? Thanks to LA traffic, I had plenty of time to find the answers.

The six-time Grammy winner grew up in a devout Christian family, routinely sang to God as part of a Gospel choir, and stunningly soared to the top of the music world before poorly choosing an advisor named Brown (Bobby) and becoming a drug addicted embarrassment to her family.

Our Commander in Chief followed an opposite arc. W started out as an alcoholic embarrassment to his family and a flop in the business world before becoming a devout Christian who stunningly soared to the top of the entire world, where he poorly chose an advisor named Brown (Mike) and now routinely speaks to God as part of his foreign policy program.

Currently, they lead parallel existences. If Whitney announced "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," the floor would remain empty. If President Bush invited all the Republican congressional candidates to his house for a party, he'd have a lot of leftover lame duck soup.

But you never know. The Outfield just released a new album. At least one Baby on Board triangle has resurfaced in the greater Los Angeles area. Maybe the "W's" can rally, too.

[Trogdor]

Spooky simularities, maybe Dubya could send Whitney to Iraq to sing to the troops?

Or R. Lee Ermey for a rendition of "I Wanna Be Your Drill Instructor".

Ain't the middle east also the largest grower of Opium too?

[The American Nightmare]

I thought this would have something to do with coke.