Any jokes?

[mellownella]

Wouldn't it be great if people had numbers above their heads representing the number of people they'd slept with? Boys could quickly work out how easy their date was, girls would know if their man was cheating, and I'd get a really cool halo.

[mellownella]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck right off."

[Jericho]

A Scottish farmer is wanting to breed sheep but the only male one he has is gay.
As sheep are so rare in his area he decides to try and impregnate them himself by taking them to the woods and shagging them all one by one.
A local farmer explains to him that he will know his sheep are pregnant once they stop walking around and lay down.
So, the next day, the farmer bundles the sheep back into the Land rover and again takes them to the forest and shags them all again, this time he's knackered and as soon as he gets home he falls straight into bed.
When he wakes up the next day he dives straight for the window to see if the sheep are lying down...to his dismay they aren't so again he puts the sheep in the car and heads off to the forest.
This time he shags them all twice for good luck.
When he gets home he is once again knackered so goes straight to bed.
In the morning he asks his wife to look out the window and see what the sheep are doing.
"That's amazing!" she says.
"What are they all laying down?" he asks.
"No they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn"!

[Jericho]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[Jericho]

Paddy was traveling by AerFungus and ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim sitting next to him if he'd like a drink.
"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" He replied in disgust

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too...I didn't know we had a choice!"

[Jericho]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mammy, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mother, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog."

[Jericho]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
...It was a mortar attack.

[martin48]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
...It was a mortar attack.

Ah - Irish jokes

An Englishman is on the outskirts of Dublin and stops a local to ask the fastest way to the city center.

"Will you be driving, or will you be walking?" answers Paddy

"Driving"

"Ah, that'll be the fastest"



So logical!!

[Jericho]

My sex life's so bad i faked an orgasm last night.
That's depressing when you're having a wank!

[ir8jorge]

penguin hears a knocking noise in his car
he takes it to the mechanic
mechanic says "come back in an hr and ill letcha know whats wrong"
penguin does....walks around for an hr.
few mins before the hr is up....he sees an ice cream shop.
since he is a penguin and has no hands, he gets ice cream all over his face and chest.
when he gets to the mechanic, the mechanic says" looks like you blew a seal"
penguin: NO NO NO... its just ice cream