Any jokes?

[RallyCola]

a guy brought a blonde virgin back to his place and she was reluctant to fuck on the first date. he said he would kiss her to sleep. later that night, we awoke in excruciating pain to find his cock bloodied. the blonde said, "well, i woke up and decided to give you sweet kisses. i was kissing it, it grew and spit on me so i bit it"

[Jericho]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[RallyCola]

why does jesus fucking suck at hockey?



he keeps getting nailed on the boards

[RallyCola]

why can't jesus eat M&Ms?



they keep falling through the holes in his hands

[NightmareX0666]

One day Pete was complaining to his friend: 'My elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'.

His friend said: 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.'

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample.

He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash.

After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing the computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!

[Prospero]

The Iranian leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds
the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Ahmadinejad asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

[nysprod]

a guy brought a blonde virgin back to his place and she was reluctant to fuck on the first date. he said he would kiss her to sleep. later that night, we awoke in excruciating pain to find his cock bloodied. the blonde said, "well, i woke up and decided to give you sweet kisses. i was kissing it, it grew and spit on me so i bit it"

You're 0-3 man, keep your day job...

[nysprod]

Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A: Because they want to

[Jericho]

A man & wife in bed....Man farts and shouts "One nil"....Wife squeezes one out and shouts back "One all"
When it gets to 2 each the man farts, follows through and shits the bed.
The wife says what the fuck was that?
Bloke replies, "half time, swap sides!

[Jericho]

My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."