Any jokes?

[Jericho]

A Husband and Wife were lying in bed one Sunday morning, talking about the dreams they'd had that night.

Wife: I dreamed they were Auctioning off Cock's.
The Big one's went for £10 and the thick one's for £20.
Husband: And what about one's like mine?
Wife: Those they gave away,

Husband: I Dreamed they were Auctioning off Fanny's.
The Pretty one's went for £1,000 and the little tight one's went for £2000.
Wife: And how much were one's like mine.

Husband: Nothing, that's where they held the Auction!

[martin48]

Let's have some of the worst jokes ever

Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
A: She’s the one with dirty knees

Q: What’s the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly third grader

Q: What’s the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies.

Q: What’s better than having a rose on your piano?
A: Having Tulips on your organ.

That should do it

[Jericho]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

[martin48]

OK - get the drift. See if any of these ring a bell

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.



#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

#1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think that way.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

#1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

#1. If you won't dress like the Hollyoakes girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. FORMULA 1 and sports is as exciting for us as handbags/shoes are for you.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[Jericho]

We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Jericho]

I'll never forget the night i saw my first child being born.
I saw his head emerging and thought, well, that's that fanny's ruined!

[Jericho]

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.
Seems a bit sexist.

[Rolando]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in@ Mexico.


While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These
are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor, Sometimes
the bull wins.’

[KnHd]

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Tang Wong

[GroobySteven]

I don't think Jericho is in much danger of being upstaged. I'm amazed that some of you are posting jokes that are so old - or just so obvious.
Well done Jericho.