Any jokes?

[Jericho]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... Your wife's really ugly"!

[Cuchulain]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[martin48]

Three fathers in a bar were discussing their teenage daughters. The first said that he went into her room – total mess so he decided to tidy it up.
“I discovered bottles of liquor at the back of the closet!”
“That’s shocking”, said the other two.
“Yeap, I didn’t even know she drunk.”
“That’s nothing,” said the second father. “I went into my daughter’s room to look for something, and discovered packets of cigarettes hidden in the cupboard.” The others looked shocked.
“I know. I didn’t know she smoked!”
The third father then related how he went into his daughter’s room and discovered at the back of some drawers – packets of rubbers.
“Oh dear!!” said the others.

“Sure is! I didn’t even know that she had a dick!”

[martin48]

A guy starts chatting up a woman in a bar and he mentions that his wife left him because he was too kinky.
The woman replies that her ex-husband did the same and perhaps he should come back to her place. He readily accepts.
Once in the apartment, she announces that she’s going to change into something “more suitable”.
She disappears into the bedroom and spends quite time putting on her leathers, chains and boots. Clutching her whip, she goes back into the room. Only to see the guy about to leave.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well, a shit in your handbag and fucked the dog. So I’m off now!”

[Cedricbi01]

I like image jokes... even non-politically correct !!

[Jericho]

I came out of the pub toilets absolutely soaked.
Everyone looked at me so I said 'It's these new fucking glasses!'
They all looked puzzled so I explained - 'They're bifocals. I was having a piss and looked down, I could see two cocks and, well, I knew the big one wasn't mine so I put it back in my trousers...'

[Jericho]

I was pulling my boxers off in the bedroom last night, when the wife walked in.
"You spoil those dogs", she said.

[Cedricbi01]

Small one I could have saved for Xmas... but made me smile !

[VictoriaVeil]

[Jericho]

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."
No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.