Any jokes?

[Tumblepop2002]

And the Oscar goes to.......JAIL!

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Poor Oscars going to jail based on the evidence I've heard when he goes to trial he wont have a leg to stand on.

[Musashi]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.'

[Jericho]

Wayne Rooney was stood naked in front of the Mirror in the Man Utd Dressing rooms and muses to himself, "Why do i always get a Hard on when i look at myself?"
Fergie turned round and say's "Because even your Cock thinks your a Cunt"!

[Jericho]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage guidance weekend, Ken and his wife Janet, listened to the instructor declare that it is essential that husbands and wife's know the things that are important to each other. He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?
"Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride isn't it"?

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

[terrygrooby]

Rice is great
It's great when you're hungry
And it's great when you want 2000 of something

[Stavros]

This is actually a true story but funny nevertheless, not least if you knew who George Brown was, a man notorious for his drinking -

It is recorded that George Brown was at a function in the Peruvian Embassy in the capital of Brazil (Brasilia) and having, as usual, drunk too much spied a scarlet clad figure and asked for a dance. "There are three reasons why I cannot accept your offer. "Replied the figure." Firstly you are clearly the worst for drink, secondly this is not a waltz but the Peruvian national anthem and lastly I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima."

[Jericho]

Aren't chicks amazing.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.... And our lass is getting on every fucking one of them!

[Jericho]

A Scouse Maths Teacher asks little Becky what comes after 69?
"A wet wipe and some mouth wash, Miss"!

[Jericho]

Walked past a Mental Hospital today and all the patient's were chanting 13, 13 , 13!
The fence was too high to see over but i found a tiny gap in the boards and peeked through to see what was going on.
Some Fucker poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started chanting 14, 14, 14......

[nysprod]

Q: How can you tell if a Jew is queer?

A: If he likes girls more than money.