Monogamy or Polyamory?

[TSMichelleAustin]

I have a poly relationship and have had it for over 4yrs. It works for us! Plus its not like were greedy, a lot of times its just us, but we have the option for others!

[RallyCola]

I have a poly relationship and have had it for over 4yrs. It works for us! Plus its not like were greedy, a lot of times its just us, but we have the option for others!

wouldn't that then just be an open relationship? there is a bit of a wedge separation between the 2

[BellaBellucci]

unfortunately, i tend to agree that an actual discussion cannot occur because there is nothing to debate. as a supporter of monogamy, in terms of a peer-bonded relationship, devoid of the cultural cultivation of marriage and family, there is nothing that i can say that a poly person would agree with or even see value in. for many, its a way to glorify swinging and for others, you may in fact believe that you have more love to spread around but I would submit that applying Malthus is essential...that a poly person would argue they have greater capacity for love just shows how self-absorbed they are.

suffice it to say that for reasons you can't understand, the feeling of love, belonging and concern i have for one person make me a better person and such feelings remain so strong that i need not seek to supplement them with anyone else.

It's interesting that it's been only those who are monogamous who allege that there 'is nothing to debate.' So far, the poly among this thread are quite content with our decisions and don't seem to feel the need to attempt to entirely invalidate the opposition position. Instead, we are simply arguing that our position is better, based on its merits. The only argument that you put forth is that you, personally, only need one person. That's subjective (and arguable).

Will someone please point out an objective advantage to monogamy, please, instead of just calling the rest of us names?

... things that make you go, 'hmm.'

~BB~

[BellaBellucci]

wouldn't that then just be an open relationship? there is a bit of a wedge separation between the 2

Yeah, that sounds like an open relationship to me, too. The difference is that polyamory is having multiple committed relationships whereas an open relationship is one that is monogamous in terms of mutually exclusive commitment, but is still open sexually.

~BB~

[RallyCola]

It's interesting that it's been only those who are monogamous who allege that there 'is nothing to debate.' So far, the poly among this thread are quite content with our decisions and don't seem to feel the need to attempt to entirely invalidate the opposition position. Instead, we are simply arguing that our position is better, based on its merits. The only argument that you put forth is that you, personally, only need one person. That's subjective (and arguable).

Will someone please point out an objective advantage to monogamy, please, instead of just calling the rest of us names?

... things that make you go, 'hmm.'

~BB~

of course you are quite content with your decisions because you set up the thread that way. you started the thread giving your opinion as to why you are poly and happy. so what is there to debate? you actually only argued why your position is better for you personally which is equally subjective and arguable. if you can't see that, it sorta proves the point of the inability for this to evolve into a coherent discussion on the benefits or perils of either.

the debate is pointless because it is predicated on what makes YOU happy and the baggage you carry from your parent's shitty relationship.

i hope you can see that i am NOT debating poly vs. mono...i am simply debating your ability to OBJECTIVELY even listen to another POV because of the way in which you constructed your OP irrevocably making any rebuttal moot.

i say...do whatever makes you happy as long as you realize the reasons you prefer it are deeply personal and therefore never objective

[Dino Velvet]

Monogamy works for me. Keeps things neat and simple. I even see the same hookers over and over.

[GrimFusion]

*shakes fist at Bella*

Firstly, I can absolutely understand how your upbringing may have shaped your opinion on the matter. Admittedly, if I were raised in the middle of a bitter marriage, I'd suspect I'd be agreeing with you right now.

I believe that society shifts to support a polygamous or monogamous view based on the local and perceived male to female population ratio. Not to say everybody follows the expectations of our collective society, but it seems that when population is low or there are more men than women around, polygamy is no longer taboo.

I'd say remaining monogamous in a relationship depends on character traits like willpower and dedication, so what happens in a polygamous or polyamorous relationship that doesn't require either? For the record, that's not a loaded question. I'm well aware that polygamists can both showcase willpower and dedication; what I'm getting at is if it isn't required, how often are your relationship issues associated with a lack of dedication and/or willpower?

I know you're not the jealous type and most poly peeps proclaim they aren't either, but I'd imagine that any kind of poly relationship has the capacity to create more jealousy than any monogamous relationship. As a monogamist, I'm content in knowing that I'm number one until I'm told otherwise. Isn't it a tad heart-wrenching knowing that you may move from being the favorite girlfriend to being #2 or #3 in line or knowing that when he's off "having fun", he might be having a much better time with somebody else than he would be with you; or do you just fault yourself and accept that you're not entertaining enough to keep his attention, then move on? Surely falling down the totem pole isn't enough of a concern to end a poly relationship otherwise none of them would work. I just don't understand why anyone would be content in coping with that. Coping anyway only goes to show that you're far more dedicated to them than they are to you, so how does that work without bottling up a good deal of anguish?

[BellaBellucci]

*shakes fist at Bella*

Firstly, I can absolutely understand how your upbringing may have shaped your opinion on the matter. Admittedly, if I were raised in the middle of a bitter marriage, I'd suspect I'd be agreeing with you right now.

My upbringing was only a personal example. I've seen many others.

I believe that society shifts to support a polygamous or monogamous view...

Polygamy refers to multiple declared marriages, not multiple committed relationship. I know it's a slight distinction, but it's there because legal marriage does not recognize polygamy.

I know you're not the jealous type and most poly peeps proclaim they aren't either, but I'd imagine that any kind of poly relationship has the capacity to create more jealousy than any monogamous relationship. As a monogamist, I'm content in knowing that I'm number one until I'm told otherwise. Isn't it a tad heart-wrenching knowing that you may move from being the favorite girlfriend to being #2 or #3 in line or knowing that when he's off "having fun", he might be having a much better time with somebody else than he would be with you; or do you just fault yourself and accept that you're not entertaining enough to keep his attention, then move on? Surely falling down the totem pole isn't enough of a concern to end a poly relationship otherwise none of them would work. I just don't understand why anyone would be content in coping with that. Coping anyway only goes to show that you're far more dedicated to them than they are to you, so how does that work without bottling up a good deal of anguish?

I didn't say being poly was easy. It's a matter of realizing with all honesty in your heart that people in monogamous relationships cheat on one another often, and usually get away with it if the relationship provides enough else to the betrayed partner to make it worthy of keeping (i.e. it's a tacit approval of polyamory after the fact). The only difference between monogamy and polyamory is that poly people can admit this to themselves and each other and deal with it accordingly. Monogamous people just learn over time how to sneakily sweep their affairs under the rug or improve their damage control skills.

~BB~

[trish]

If say five people are involved in a polyamorous relationship there are thirty non-trivial subgroups that can scheme, lie, gossip and nurture jealousies about each other. On the other hand there are one and twenty permutations available for tantric exploration. Hmmmm. It's a difficult decision.

[BellaBellucci]

of course you are quite content with your decisions because you set up the thread that way. you started the thread giving your opinion as to why you are poly and happy. so what is there to debate? you actually only argued why your position is better for you personally which is equally subjective and arguable. if you can't see that, it sorta proves the point of the inability for this to evolve into a coherent discussion on the benefits or perils of either.

I've pointed out logical, objective reasons for polyamory - conclusions that I've come to after a period of self-discovery that was consequential to my upbringing, but I in no way alluded that people should be poly SIMPLY because I had a rough life.

You're attempting to not only distract from my criticism of your lack of logical argument, but hang a red herring around my neck by saying that my argument is based on that which you need it to be based in order to have an argument at all - a subjective catalyst for a process that led me to draw certain conclusions about how relationships work... or don't. Put simply: my background did nothing more than provide a thesis.

So go ahead and make one of your own; I'm still waiting. So far you've offered no intellectual support to your argument. It's not a good look.

If say five people are involved in a polyamorous relationship there are thirty non-trivial subgroups that can scheme, lie, gossip and nurture jealousies about each other. On the other hand there are one and twenty permutations available for tantric exploration. Hmmmm. It's a difficult decision.

No risk, no reward. The irony here is that my point that monogamous relationships rarely ever are is entirely lost on this thread it seems.

~BB~