You Might Be A Republican If.......

[jt money]

Part of a larger funnier joke I will post elsewhere:

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand
sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

[chefmike]

You might be a republican if...

you think 2006 is going to be a better year for the chimp-in-chief than 2005 was!

[El_hefe]

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
- Lewis Black

[chefmike]

Some informed predictions for the coming year ...

You freepers remain at ease, and continue to whistle merrily through the neocon graveyard....


Juan Cole is Professor of History at the University of Michigan


Sunday, January 01, 2006

Ten Amazing Predictions for 2006

1. Al-Qaeda's Ayman al-Zawahiri, whom the Bush administration has failed to capture after all this time, and who was probably responsible for the July 7 bombings in the London subway and the bombings in the Sinai in Egypt, will strike at US allies again in 2006.

2. Saudi Arabia will use the $160 billion windfall from high petroleum prices to strengthen its military and security forces, and to spread its rigid Wahhabi form of Islam.

3. Iran's clerical elites will use the $36 billion windfall from high petroleum prices to strengthen their military and security forces, and to spread their radical Khomeinist form of Islam. The US, even if it takes some desperate step, will prove unable to shake the regime in 2006.

4. The Iraqi government, on which the US is placing its bet, will limp along with less than $19 billion a year in petroleum income because of sabotage and guerrilla war, along with long-neglected fields and dilapidated plants and equipment. Most of that money will be absorbed by the need for internal security, reconstruction and paying off past reparations and debts, as well as by large-scale corruption and embezzlement (billions of dollars went missing during the government of Iyad Allawi in 2004).

5. The Iraqi parliament will pass fundamentalist Muslim legislation. Sometime in 2006, a majority of Iraqi parliamentarians will call for the withdrawal of US troops. The Iraqi government will have warm relations with Iran, but strained relations with Saudi Arabia and Jordan. The guerrilla war will continue.

6. The Israeli-Palestinian struggle will continue in staccatto fashion, because the Israeli government remains expansionist and land-hungry. Because the Sharon government refused to negotiate with real live Palestinians over the Gaza withdrawal no framework for peace was erected. Israeli troops will go back into Gaza from time to time. Israel will settle thousands of colonists on Palestinian land in the west and will blame Palestinians as irrational and bigotted for objecting. The subtle forms of ethnic cleansing of Arabs from Jerusalem will continue or accelerate. Fifteen percent of Palestinian children will continue to suffer from malnutrition, a result of the poverty that derives from having been put since 1967 in a large Israeli jail.

7. The Shanghai Cooperation Organization composed of China, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Russia, Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan as members and India, Iran, Mongolia, and Pakistan as observers, will follow up on its success in getting US troops out of Uzbekistan and on strengthening energy cooperation between Kazakhstan and China on the one hand, and Russia and Kazakhstan on the other, as well as security cooperation between Russia and Uzbekistan. The conjuncture of gas, petroleum, Islam, terrorism and great power jockeying will keep the new Great Game going, this time with Russia, China and the United States all playing. The US hand is weak.

8. The US attempt to isolate Iran by putting boycotts on Chinese and other companies that deal with it will only prove effective for those companies that do a lot of business with the US. Moreover, it is easy enough for a company to hive off a de facto subsidiary to deal with Iran (ask Bechtel and Halliburton). And, rising powers like India that have relatively little trade with the US will tempted to choose energy from Iran over good diplomatic relations with the US.

9. New Orleans will for the most part not be rebuilt and will increasingly be eclipsed by Baton Rouge. Louisiana as a result will become a solid Red State. The Republican Party has no particular reason to rebuild a predominantly African-American city that reliably voted Democrat, just as its leader, George W. Bush, apparently had no particular reason to implement relief work there with any urgency or efficiency after the flood. Most of the $25 billion in reconstruction aid promised by the Federal government will never arrive.

10. The United States will continue to lose global political influence because its government is running large deficits and going ever deeper into debt. In the 1950s, President Eisenhower routinely used the threat of calling in loans from war-devastated Europe to get his way. He threatened UK Prime Minister Anthony Eden with loan cancellations if the latter did not get back out of the Suez in late 1956. He threatened DeGaulle with loan cancellations if the latter didn't get France out of rebellious Algeria before it went Communist. Nowadays the US is a massive debtor nation, and has lost that kind of leverage with all but the poorest and most beaten-down countries. The US nuclear arsenal is relatively useless because it cannot actually be used, and the US military is bogged down in Iraq. America remains a superpower for the third and fourth worlds, but is often a helpless, pitiful giant as far as places like Western Europe and China are concerned.

[BlackAdder]

Man...that dudes words are pretty scary...accurate but scary.

[chefmike]

You might be a republican if...

You believe God is everywhere-except your motel room.

You believe there should be a waiting period for abortions, but not for gun purchases.

You believe the greenhouse effect means better gardens.

You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.

[chefmike]

You might be a republican if...


You believe judges have become political activists-except for the Supreme Court.

You believe trial lawyers are evil-except in the case of the 2000 election.

You support caps on jury awards, but not on corporate energy price gouging.

[flabbybody]

"Bush lost consciousness for a brief time in the White House on Sunday evening while eating a pretzel and watching a professional football game on television."

he should never attempt to do two things at once.

[BeardedOne]

You might be a republican if...

You believe God is everywhere-except your motel room.

You believe there should be a waiting period for abortions, but not for gun purchases.

You believe the greenhouse effect means better gardens.

You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.

Oddly, I have a love/hate relationship with guns and the NRA. Of course, this is said after spending the day listening to random gunfire around the neighborhood (Ah, rural America, where we shoot at fucking =anything=).

Greenhouse effect here is a sunny day with little fallout from the refinery and the nuke. Yah, *kaff* *kaff* *retch*, I got great neighbors. :P

[El_hefe]

Man, And these 2006 predictions are really scary.....but more accurate:


Nancy Pelosi will elope with Osama Bin Laden. They'll divorce months later when she discovers that he is too "Pro America" for her.

Noam Chomsky will write a new book. It will have 200 pages of the same 3 sentences: Bush Lied. Screw America. America is Evil. It will become a instant classic. Making Mr Choamsky an even richer "progressive" and able to live in an even more expensive & exclusive neighborhood.

Nancy Pelosi will marry Noam but divorce him a short while later after discovering that he is too "Pro America."

Cindy Sheehan will draw 10,000 people to a protest when she declares: "If Bush doesn't withdraw our troops – I'll set myself on fire." Unfortunately, at the next speech 9900 of the visitors will bring gasoline and matches.

Hollywood will launch a new film called Christalot. It will feature three artists pissing on crosses & Whoopi & Robin Williams will play Mary Magdalene & Jesus for ninety minutes of an X-rated laff fest. It will be nominated for six Golden Globes. No pork rinds will be served at the premiere party for fear of offending Jews or Muslims.

After undergoing a lot of soulsearching, UN Secretary Kofi Annan will announce that he will forego his salary from the United Nations and live exclusively on his & his son's bribes.

The New York Times will merge operations with Al Jazeera. Six months later – problems will emerge when the Times feels Al Jazeera to be too "Pro America." The day after they separate the world comes to an end & the front page headline of the NYT reads:
"ALL LIFE ENDING: Minorities & poor hardest hit."

Al Sharpton will discover Jesus Christ and become a Baptist minister.

Hollywood will attempt to appease conservatives with Brokeback Mountain II. The sequel features two sheepherders who fall in love - with the sheep. FEMALE SHEEP!

New Orleans will flood yet again. This time, FEMA officials will arrive in time & set up water slides.

Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco will write a new book called – Governors Who Cry Too Much, & The Democratic Voters Who Love Them.

For economic reasons President Bush will combine the Border Patrol with the Park Service & institute a Catch and Release program for illegal immigrants.

Sesame Street will introduce its first fully rehabilitated character called the Tookie Monster. Two weeks later, Grover and Big Bird will be discovered dead. Police will later find the Tookie Monster passed out next to Mr. Crack.

Nancy Pelosi asks for conjugal visits with the Tookie Monster.
**
And any of these are about as liable to happen as that other piece of speculation posted earlier.