Last year at this time, I had been dating a girl for about 8 months and wanted to
come up with an original Christmas gift.
Well, while not original, I figured doing something in keeping with the
12 days of Christmas or variation thereof would at least be unique.

While my heart was in the right place, in retrospect,
I should have foreseen the outcome and limited the gift giving to the 5th day.
To keep others from making the same mistake, I am sharing the notes she sent to me.



December 14th

Dearest Jay,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised!

With deepest love and devotion, Nikki


December 15th

Dearest Jay,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine, Two Turtle Doves. I’m just delighted with your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love, Nikki


December 16th

Dear Jay,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I Really must protest.
I don’t deserve such generosity.
Three French Hens.
They are just darling, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love, Nikki


December 17th

Dear Jay,

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds.
Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough?
You’re being too romantic!

Affectionately, Nikki


December 18th

Dearest Jay,

What a surprise!!! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings,
one for every finger!! You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my Love, Nikki


December 19th

Dear Jay,

When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A Laying on my front step.
So you’re back to the birds again…Huh!? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I keep them??
The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!!!!!

Cordially, Nikki


December 20th

Hey Jay,

What’s with you and those fucking birds!?
Seven Swans A Swimming!! What kind of god damn joke is this?
There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny, so stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely, Nikki


December 21st

OK Buster

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight Maids A Milking !!??
It’s not enough with all the Birds and now Eight Maids A Milking,
but they had to bring their god damn cows!
There is crap all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house.
Just lay off me Smart ass! ! ! ! !

Nikki


December 22nd

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist!? Now there’s Nine Pipers Playing, and Christ do they play!!
They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset because the maids keep forgetting to milk them and they’re
stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours, Nikki


December 23rd

You Rotten Prick,

Now there’s Ten Ladies Dancing! I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been screwing those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can’t sleep and have diarrhea.
My living room is a river of crap.
The commissioner of building safety has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m turning you into the police for harassment!!

One who means it, Nikki


December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:

I opened the door this morning and Eleven Lords A Leaping rush past me and are
immediately leaping on the Maids and Ladies!
Some of these broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and ladies and have been trying to hook up with the cows!
All 23 of the birds are Dead.
They were trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you’re satisfied you rotten son of a bitch!!!

Your sworn enemy, Nikki







Law Offices of Bauger, Bender and Canole
303 Wilshire Blvd., 40th Floor
Los Angeles, CA.

December 26th

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve (12) Fiddlers Fiddling which you saw fit to
inflict on our client and your former girl friend Nikki _ _ _ _ _.

The 12 Fiddlers and 9 Pipers have all been
booked for statutory rape of the maids and ladies.
As you can imagine, the devastation and destruction to
the residence was total.
All correspondence to Ms. _ _ _ _ _ should be sent to our attention.
If you should attempt to contact Nikki at the Braewood Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find a restraining order and the return of your photos from her residence.

Cordially,

Bauger, Bender & Canole


Cc: Guardian of Ms. _ _ _ _ _