Not the happiest post

[gaiseric]

I have just had some news that caught me by surprise and I figured that if I shared it with you guys and gals, it would make it easier for me to deal with.
My father is 89 and suffers from lung and bone cancer. He collapsed at home on Monday evening and was rushed to hospital. I was under the impression he would be out by the weekend. Tonight I get a phone call from my step mother saying that the hospital were going to stop feeding him, he hadn't recognised her today and the cancer nurses reckoned he had 24 - 48 hours tops.
I decided not to go to the hospital mainly because if he didn't recognise my step mother, he wouldn't know me and I would rather not see him in that state. I want to remember him as he was. I have had a few people saying that if I don't go I will regret it for ever but at the moment, for a variety of reasons, I am feeling absolutely emotionless and I know that I won't regret this decision.
I accepted that he didn't have that long some time ago, but the thing that really grips me is that I wasn't told he was so ill. This is mainly because my parents were fanatical Jehovah's Witnesses and I'm not. Therefore they never called me, visited or had any contact unless they had to and this has even included the latter stages of my father's illness. He had been in hospital over 1 day before I found out.
Unfortunately it is this part of the saga that could cause me the problems, and not my father's impending death (probably won't last the weekend). That is why I have put it on here for others to read and comment if they feel so inclined. I can then use the comments to help get it all out of my system and prevent it screwing me up too much.

Sorry for being longwinded but it's not the easiest thing to write.

[The Judge]

I've been there. Ya will regret it so go see him even if its just to say goodbye under your breath. Be strong and do it.

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

I think not going simply because he wouldn't recognize you and or that your parents were Jehovah's witness and your not is lame. Whatever, past disagreements, misunderstanding and even hatred are now all pointless. Death is serious issue. Go see and be with him while he is breathing and tell him you love him regardless. Dying people need to see their loved one's before they die and have closure of some sorts.

I hope that helps.

~Kisses.

HTG

[kaientai]

I am a child of divourced parents and i cut my bio father out of my life a long time ago. My mother after some time met a new man who was like a real father to me (i miss him and think of him almost every day) but as life would have it he got lung cancer he actualy beat the terrible decease so him and my mom git engaged . And then about two days after that we got a call in the middle of the night he died of well basicly a flu type bug and his system just wasn't ready to cope with it. I chose not to see him in his coffin because i wanted to remember the smile on him when he got engaged to my mother so i fully understand you not going there i realy do. Remember him as you want, to the small chance that he will recognize you is not worth it in my opinion.

[rockabilly]

As someone who works w/ elderly patients i can tell you it breaks your heart to see them when they have bad days , but sometimes they have a moment of clarity and light up when they see their loved ones. My advice is go and be there for him , hold his hand and just sit w/ him. Thats my advice ...

[Jericho]

Close the book on it.
You don't have to be there at the end, but go there and say your goodbyes.
Once he's gone, you'll never get the chance to do it again.

[transmaven]

Go. Like someone else said above: be strong and go. You'll feel tremendous relief when it's over, and you'll be able to feel a clear, simple grief. We expect too much of our parents I think...

[SidInNy]

We do not fully understand the human brain and consciousness.

Though he may not show any signs of recognition, that does not mean that a visit from you won't provide an ounce of comfort to a man in the last hours of his life.

It may be your voice -- or just the touch of your hand. Something very subtle may penetrate the fog and reach him -- though you may never know it.

It's just the right thing to do. YMMV

[HP1000]

I just said a Prayer for him.....

[gaiseric]

Just to let you know, peeps. my father died earlier today. I've been told that at the end it was quiet, peaceful and painless - he had been unconcious for the best part of 2 days. I never got to the hospital to see him - I still can't say whether I would have gone or not, but as it happens I would never have made it before he died. Whether this comes back to bite me later, we'll have to see.
To those of you who posted replies, my thanks. Everyone's opinion is useful. To those who read the thread and didn't post rude or sarky replies, my thanks also.
FWIW, this has hit me more than I ever thought it would. All I have to do now is survive the next few days and the funeral.

Thanks again guys and gals.