"Talking Dog For Sale." (The Joke Post)

[ezed]

Rapid fire FCC approved:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved
off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

[scipio]

Shit this is a long one but anyway, here is the short version...

A young Jewish kid (Mordi) is having lots of trouble at school with maths, just can't get it right, gets lowest marks possible.

So, his parents pull him aside and say "Mordi, we'll have to do something drastic. You just can't get along in life without being good at Maths - you'll be cheated and short changed all over the place. We're going to have to send you to that Goyim school, you know, the Catholic one. They have a great maths program there, they'll teach you."

So Mordi goes to the Catholic school, comes home later that day and races straight up into his room. Mother knocks, he says he's doing homework. Doesn't come down all night.

THe next day, the same. This goes on for weeks, he goes straight to his room, eats dinner up there, does his homework furiously.

Weeks later they get the first school report - he gets A, perfect score in Maths.

Parents pull him aside after school and say "Mordi, we're pleased, you've got an A, but what's happened to you? Are they doing something to you at this Catholic school? How did you get so good at Maths all of a sudden? What did they do?"

Mordi says: "It's not what they did, it's just that when I went in there the first day, and I saw they'd nailed that guy to the "plus" sign, I knew they meant business."

[scipio]

Q: Why does Snoop Doggggg (how many fucking g's does he need?) carry an umbrella?

A: Fo drizzle.

-----

I think this means I am bored.

[plainBob]

I think this says it all

[scipio]

Good book titles:

"THe Hawaiian Sex Manual" by Kamanawanalaya

"Under the Grandstands" by Seymour Butts

"30 paces to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (Illustrated by Betty Wont)

[franks]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental health wing, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.' 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

[franks]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental health wing, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.' 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

Nurses Should Never Laugh

“Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty
years I've never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than
the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing
to the floor. Two minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and
regain her composure.
“I'm so sorry,” said the nurse. “I really am. I
don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady,
I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“It's swollen,” Fred replied.