"Talking Dog For Sale." (The Joke Post)

[almore]

Why I Fired My Secretary....

Last week was my 39th birthday and I didn't feel very well when I woke up that morning. I sat there at breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. as I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!" it felt good that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me. I said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. let's go!"

We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day.... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. what do you have in mind?" she said, "let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"ok." I replied, somewhat nervously.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

and I just sat there...


on the couch...


naked.

[NYCe]

There is a man who is married to a nymphomaniac and is being sent on a two week business trip. He's extremely worried because he knows that two weeks is a long time and that she won't be able to hold out that long. He just knows that he's going to come back to find out she's been fucking a bunch of guys.

Not knowing what to do, he goes to a sex shop to see if he can find something to help his situation. When he explains what's happening to the salesperson, he tells him he has just the thing for him and takes him to the back room.

In the back room is a table with a box on it. The husband asks what's going on and the salesperson goes into their spiel.

"In that box sir is the greatest sex toy ever. It's called the Voodoo penis."

"Voodoo penis?" asks the Husband?

"Yes sir, the voodoo penis." replies the salesperson. "It will do whatever you ask of it and never get tired until you tell it to stop. Let me demonstrate for you." Finishes the fellow.

"Voodoo penis.....Wall." Exclaims the guy, and the box opens up and the Voodoo penis flies up out of the box and starts fucking the wall repeatedly.

"Now watch this." The salesguy says.

"Voodoo penis table!"

The voodoo penis turns around and starts fucking the table top over and over.

The husband is in awe and quickly tells the salesguy that this is the most amazing thing he's ever seen and it's exactly what he needs.

"But how do you make it stop?" asks the husband

"Easy, watch....Voodoo penis box."

The voodoo penis flies back into the box and it shuts itself closed.

So the husband takes his new buy home to show it to his wife. After he's explained what it is and what it does the wife is extatic because she was afraid of him going away too. The wife promises that she's going to try and not use it so she can wait until he gets back from his trip.

The husband leaves on his trip and after a couple of days his wife is freaking out and can't take it anymore so she decides to give the Voodoo penis a try.

After a couple of hours and many orgasms later the wife is exhausted and tells the voodoo penis to go back to the box only it doesn't seem to be working because it's not stopping. She throws it away but it keeps coming back for more. She throws it into the closet but it opens the door and comes back trying to fuck her.

Not knowing what to do, she starts running through the house with the Voodoo penis following her relentlessly. After a few minutes of running around, she grabs the car keys and runs out of the house stark naked and drives away like a madwoman.

She looks in the rear view mirror and sees the Voodoo penis following her so she floors it and ends up out running it. Eventually she runs buy a cop car and the cop takes off after her because she's driving extremely fast. The woman is in such a state that she never sees the cop and only ends up stopping after a 5 minute chase.

When the cop walks up to the car all he sees is the naked woman sitting in the car and he starts to yell at her.

"LADY, YOU WERE DRIVING LIKE A MANIAC....YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE!!!"

The woman is in hysterics and lets her story out in a rush. "Sir, the voodoo....penis....crazy...wouldn't stop....fucking......follwing me....it's gonna get me.....voodoo penis...help me!"

"Whoa lady slow dow, I don't understand a word you're saying. Calm down and tell me what's going on here." says the cop.

The woman is still in hysterics and she once again starts to ramble about the voodoo penis.

Finally the cop calms her down and she tells him the story. The cop just looks at her and starts laughing because it's the craziest thing he's every experience.

The woman looks into the rear view mirror and sees the Voodoo penis fly around the corner and starts yelling at the cop.

"IT'S BACK!!! THE VOODOO PENIS IS BACK!!! IT'S GOING TO GET ME."

The cop chuckles while he's writing up the ticket and tells her....

"Sure lady....Voodoo Penis my ass."

[MacShreach]

ABOUT TIME SOMEONE ELSE STARTED POSTING SOME JOKES...GEEEZ....TO MANY COCK WHORSHIPPERS NOT ENOUGH FUN

Quite right MEG. How about these:


Young guy's in a terrible way. Can't get a hard-on anyhow. They try everything and it just won't work. Viagra, Cialis, nada. Anyhow he's ready to commit suicide when he gets a message from the doc to go in, something came up.

Goes down to see the doc, who says he found out about this really really new experimental technique where they take some of the muscle out of an elephant's trunk and insert it in the dick. Very risky, but they're looking for volunteers.

Young lad nearly bites the doc's arm off, so he gets booked in for the procedure. Guess what? Total success. Now has an impressive boner that he can turn on and off at will. Now's his chance, he thinks, so he chats up a girl he's always fancied but been too shy before, because of, you know, but he thinks he'll have a whang at her. Guess what? Total success. She fancies him rotten and hasn't been able to work out why he's been avoiding her.

So they go out for dinner. First course is soup with crusty rolls. They're just chatting away when suddenly the lad's cock whips out over the table, grabs a roll and disappears. The pair of them just stare at each other in shocked silence for a while and then the girl licks her lips and says

"Er, do you think you could, you know, do that again?"

Boy grins sheepishly and replies "Probably but I don't think I can get another dinner roll up my arse."

Or

Superman's in the bar one day drowning his sorrows. No woman will go near him, they're all terrified of what his super-power cock would do. He's just thinking of overdosing on kryptonite and ending it all when Spiderman comes in for a pint.

"Hi, Spidey," says Superman, and they get to chatting.

"Why so down?" asks Spiderman. Superman explains the nature of the problem, and Spidey gets all thoughtful. He says

"You know on the way over here I climbed past WonderWoman's bedroom window. She was lying on her bed naked with her legs apart. Think maybe she's having herself some girlie fun. You know with your super-speed powers, you could be in there and do the biz and out before she even notices."

Superman perks up and after downing his drink flies off out of the bar, dick at attention, and before you could blink an eye was back with a big grin on his face.

Meantime, back in WonderWoman's bedroom, she's going crazy. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!" she yells.

"I don't know but my fucking arse is in bits," replied the Invisible Man......

AND FINALLY......

THE CURSE OF TWANG


A salesman is lost in the wilds of the Yorkshire moors. It's getting dark and his car runs out of petrol. He remembers seeing a garage some way back, and gets out and walks. But the garage is further than he thought and it begins to rain and the night gets really dark. To make it worse he starts to worry that he made a wrong turn somewhere.

Suddenly, just as he's getting really panicky, he sees a light in the distance over the fields. Quickly sets off towards it. Gets there safely, it's a really old run down farm, but the lights are on so he bangs on the door.

Atter a while the door flies open and he is confronted by a really scary looking guy wearing nothing but a night-shirt and a 12-bore (gauge to you lot.) "Wot you want?" says the apparition, and the saleman explains.

"We ain't got no petrol," says the old farmer, and is about to shut the door when the salesman puts his foot in it and protests that he can't stay out in the gathering storm.

"Ain't got no spare bed," says the old man, and tries to shut the door again. But the salesman is persistant (he's an electricity supply company salesman) and eventually the farmer realises he'll have to either shoot him or let him in.

"Orright," he says, his voice surly. "You can share a bed with me daughter. But if you touch her the Curse of Twang be on yer."

Sure enough, as you expect, when the salesman is ushered into the room he is confronted by the most deliciously pluggable piece of teenage coozy he's seen in years, in a spectacularly frisky mood too. She pretty soon breaks down his inhibitions and within, I guess, three minutes, they're shagging like mink. They go at it till after four in the morning and the salesman passes out.

When he awakes the sun is up and there's no sign of the girl, but the farmer is at the end of the bed. He still has the 12-bore but now he has a brick in one hand too.

"Oi heard ye. All night ye was at it. Well the Curse of Twang be on ye now."

"What's that?" asks the salesman.

"Well, you see this 'ere brick? It's tied to yer left bollock, that's what." And as he says this the farmer cackles and flings the brick out the open bedroom window.

Seeing what's coming, the salesman thinks quickly and leaps out the window after the brick. As he does so the farmer yells "An' yore right bollock's tied to the bed!"

TWAAAANG!

R

[MacShreach]

Couple more from the archive:

A little girl walks in on her mom giving her father a hand job.

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Oh honey, don't worry, Daddy had a hard day at work and I'm just letting the air out of Daddy."

"No Mommy, that's just a waste of time!"

The mother replies, "What do you mean, honey?"

"Well it seems kinda pointless... the neighbor is just going to blow him back up again!"


A woman had a female parrot that kept saying, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to fuck?"

She was frantic, so she went to her pastor to find a solution to the problem. The pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They'll be a good influence on her."

So the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to fuck?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered."

R

[almore]

J- thats just wrong - fucking hysterical but still wrong..LMAO

[Bigguy]

A small commuter plane crashes in the Pacific. Three male survivors manage to swim to the shore of a nearby island. They barely have time to catch their breath on the beach before they're captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken back to meet with the village Chief. The Chief happens to speak english and explains to the three men that they have but one chance of survival before he places the order to have the tribe tear them limb from limb. The men agree to do whatever is asked.

The Chief says "You are each to complete two tasks. If you should fail one of them, I will have the tribe kill you and eat you." At this point the men are trembling with fear. The Chief continues "First task.. I ask you each to spread out amongst the island, pick 10 pieces of one type of fruit and return back here in front of me. You have very little time, now go!"

The three men disperse. After a few moments, the first man returns with 10 oranges. "Good" says the Chief, "Second task.. you are to place all 10 pieces of the fruit you chose up your ass without showing even the slightest change of expression on your face. If you fail, my tribe will kill you and eat you. Now proceed." The man has no choice but to comply. He attempts to force the first orange up his rectum but the fruit is too large, forcing him to grimace. The tribe kills him and eats him.

The second man returns several minutes later with 10 blueberries. "Very good" says the Chief, "Second task.. you are to place all 10 pieces of the fruit you chose up your ass without showing even the slightest change of expression on your face. If you fail, my tribe will kill you and eat you. Now proceed." The second man is hesitant at first but soon realizes the task can be done. He's able to get the first blueberry up his rectum without a hitch. The second follows, as does the third. The fourth, fifth and sixth blueberries begin to cause some discomfort, but the man is determined not to alter his expression and continues. The Chief is watching closely now as the seventh blueberry is deposited successfully. The man has the eighth blueberry in his hand and he's about to insert it when he bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, rolling on the floor. The Chief gives the order and the tribe kills him and eats him.

The first man and the second man immediately meet in heaven. The first man says to the second man "What the hell happened?? I was watching it all from up here. You were on the eighth piece!.. you were so close!!" The second man says "I couldn't help it! I saw the other guy running in with pineapples!"

[Ecstatic]

Ah, but did they specify which week?

[Vicki Richter]

hehe

[ghostofbillhicks]

A Red Bull walks into a bar. The barman says 'hey, we've got a drink named after you.'

The bull says 'what? 'Kevin'?'

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Two bags of puke are walking down the road. One starts crying. The other one says 'hey ... are you okay.' The other replies 'yeah, I'm just a bit emotional. I was brought up around here.'

[Bigguy]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A&M University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."