Is that all there is? (got ten minutes?)

[BeardedOne]

Melissa,

Wonderful, thought-provoking post. I'm familiar with some of what you're experiencing from your earlier posts.

"Is that all there is?
If that's all there is to life, then let's keep dancing."

That's a question I reflect on every day as I am one lonely, miserable, borderline suicidal sumbitch that has a lot of grief in dealing with the 'human' race.

With you, there is a difference in that you have a life beyond a single room and you certainly appear to have the cojones (Even if they are in a little jar atop the fridge) to follow it. You're in a funk now, from familial and relationship speedbumps, but I am pretty sure you'll sail past them and "The Wall of the Living Dead".

Meanwhile, talk the station into serving real food beyond that fancy-schmancy yuppie crap on their menu (Or recommend a good pizzeria in NH/LV) and I'll come up some day and feed you and tell you goofy jokes until you splurt soda from your nose.

[peggygee]

Peggy Lee sang



Peggy Gee say's life is what you make it.

[CORVETTEDUDE]

Sounds just like a woman, Never Satisfied!!!

Hi, Liss...been a while, noce to see ya. C-Dude

P.S. If I were doin' you 24/7, would you have enough to do, then?!

[melissacarter]

Thank you to everyone who responded. You never can tell what you'll get on the HA boards, it can be empathy and compassion or you can get your ass handed to you.

When I wrote that stuff I was feeling exceptionally down and aimless. I had just found out from my doc that my estrogen level was over 2000 and was ordered to immediately break from injecting for four weeks.

Nothing of substance has really changed for me but my outlook has to some degree. I've always had this philosophical approach to life, always was drawn to the existentialist writers particularly Dostoyevsky. It shows up in my paintings and my writings and even to some extent my decision to cross the gender line. I've searched for meaning but can't say I've found it. Sometimes the simple act of searching is enough. I've never really been able to get past this "nothing really matters" idea and in some ways that has empowered me to not only become a transsexual but even to escort. In some ways it doesn't matter what we do for money. In someways it doesn't matter if you have money or not.

I once heard this story, told to me by my ex: in high school on occasion the headmaster would, without notice, announce a "mystery trip", and all the students were immediately ordered to board the bus. The kids would of course ask, "where are we going?" but the headmaster would never say where. The bus driver would take different routes on each trip but they would always end up at the same destination- the local Dairy Queen. On one trip a classmate finally asked the question, "why do they call it a mystery trip when we all know we're going to Dairy Queen?" The wiseguy of the class, Johnny, (he would later die from a heroine overdose) replied, "Don't you get it? The trip is the thing."

Well, I guess that's how I need to see it right now, the trip is the thing.

Below: "Death by Suburb" Oil on Canvas 28" x 48"
"Highway Painting" Oil on Canvas 28" x 48"
"Fucked Up Planet" Gouche on Paper 11" x 14"