Is that all there is? (got ten minutes?)

[justatransgirl]

Melissa, more of us feel your pain that you may realize.

For some girls in the biz, yes, that is all there is. And for some it's enough. But for others, such as yourself it's but a stepping stone to other things. So don't sell yourself short.

I've done a lot of living... and something years ago that in part shaped my life was an experience in Palm Beach.

My girlfriend of the time and I lived aboard a sailboat and were moving it to a more secure moorage just ahead of a tropical storm.

It was getting toward twilight and rain bands were beginning to pass through. I remember miserably standing at the helm fighting the wind and rain and looking up into this high rise condo complex we were passing along the intercoastal waterway and thinking, "This really sucks, here I am soaking wet driving this damm little boat through the dark to an uncertain future, and look at all those people in their warm cozy (dry) apartments, eating dinner and watching TV, they are so lucky."

And then the building seemed to flicker and it dawned on me that everyone in the building was watching the same 2 or 3 TV news stations, and that ALL their TV's were in the same place on the same wall (natually, the cable would be there). They were ALL doing EXACTLY the same thing as all their neighbors. And that they probably did that EVERY day of their lives.

We named it the "Wall of the Living Dead."

Suddenly having rain dripping off my nose felt wonderful. Because I was FREE! Free to choose my own destiny, free to follow my dreams. And I have.

So find or remember your dream honey, and follow it. And when you can't see the forest for the trees, occasionally remind yourself that you DO have goals and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get there.

And as for those who don't accept you or your profession. Just remember, living well is the best revenge.

Hugs,
TS Jamie

PS - And don't use cliches, sheesh, sorry.

[thx1138]

@ melissa: this might cheer you up http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=3Yyp43mZq7s & http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html

[harlemzfinest]

melissa, we all are going though these moments. I personally go through them every day wondering the same question. Am I busting my ass to live day by day and hear the same problems that never seem to go away. I respect you opinions and admire you. don't alllow things to overwhelm you as difficult as they seem.

[thx1138]

"Is this all that there is?" Is this all that I am?" V'ger (star trek 1) didn't have the answers either so you are in good company. My guess is this phenomenon is a natural consequence of being a conscience entity.

[T Oracle]

Looks like quite a number of people care enough to spend the 10 minutes you wanted.

And some great replies as well.

[needsum]

While I cannot know what it is like for you as a transgendered woman to be where you are at, I can sympathize, like many who have posted thus far, with the emotions you are feeling. I understand what it's like to be caught up in the "here and now" and want to know what its all about and what personal worth it brings. Why do some of us get caught up in looking for "the answer to it all?" I'm sure we will never know.

But just know this--look back at some of the things you described about yourself, and remember that they are still a part of who you are. You may not paint right now, but you are still a painter. What you need is inspiration. What you need is a muse. You need to allow yourself the time to grow into your newfound world and absorb everything around you. Boredom may be at a high point right now, lonliness can keep you down. But just know that it is all temporary.

While runing one day you might just see something striking that makes you think of a cool way you could translate it onto canvas. Maybe you could take some classes at a community college just to keep yourself immersed in the public and allow you to be social with new people who are not with you for sexual gratification, and all the while you will be learning something that you can use to further your own goals and aspirations.

Just keep your head up. I admire you for your courage and your willingness to put yourself out there. I know how hard it is to deal with family issues and do not envy your situation. But as much as it may hurt, use it to your advantage and find a way to prove to them that you ARE worthy of their love and support, because all of us here believe that you are. And we barely even know you.

So don't despair. Use this down time to your advantage. Soak everything in, and I bet you that at some point you will be able to look back from your newfound happiness and think of this as all just a small speed bump on your way to happiness.

[doradora]

I just read melissa's Message.(I can't read other Replys, yet.)

I'm in feeling almost like that.
I afraid that. and I don't know how can I do.

I don't know what words of encouragement to you.
but I hope that Your happy in verity.

[Janie2261]

Melissa,

The problem with achieving our goals is that we expect they will make us happy. Yet we can only be happy in the present, not in the future, because the future never arrives. This might help:

1. Go to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (highly recommended by Oprah).

2. Follow up on the earlier suggestion to do some volunteer work at local charity. The only way to make yourself happy is by giving to others. Find a way to serve. It will make you feel good -- guaranteed!

3. Go outside and make a friend -- anyone. Just connect with someone as one human being to another.

4. Try to spend some time in the present. Take a break from your thoughts about the past and the future -- just be here now. It's refreshing. Go to a meditation class.

5. Forgive everyone, especially your family. Drop your grievances from the past. The past is dead and cannot be changed. Move on.

Everything you are looking for is right inside of you -- not out there anywhere.

[SinthiaTV]

Melissa,

6 months ago, I had a net worth of about 600k, excluding house. I got legislated out of business and lost almost everything--credit rating, assets, heck--I can't even have a bank account because the IRS or state of MN will go in and yank funds out of it. I'll be filing bankruptcy in a few days.

I spent 10 years in my own business, the last 5 hating it. When it crashed, it took 2 or 3 months to put myself back together, just because I thought that what I owned defined me. But it really was a chance to start my life over again, (relatively) free of baggage.

Honey, you are so beautiful, and yes you have a lot of debt, but you've spent the money on re-creating yourself so that your image in the mirror matches your self-image. I woke up one day and thought, "OMG, I'm 39 and I haven't had sex with a man yet!" It was like the last 10 years of my life just passed while my back was turned, and now I have to hurry to make up for lost time before I'm too old and ugly for a man to desire me.

I'll never be anything more than a TV, at this point--I feel like it's too late for me, but I just want to tell you this (and please don't take it the wrong way):

You are so beautiful that men want to pay money to have sex with you.

I don't think I'll ever know what it feels like to have that sort of power, that sort of desirability.

Yes, finding a life partner is good. It's not as good as you fantasize about, now that you're single, but it's pretty good. As a T-girl, you're going to have a harder time finding one, but you knew you were walking a tough road when you started out. If you limit yourself to the guys you meet when you're working, well, that's probably not a great place to find a life partner.

I don't know about the whole volunteering thing--it seems to me that the best way to feel great about yourself is to succeed and to have someone to share that feeling with. If you get tired of escorting, there are other ways of making money than having a J-O-B and having to put up with all that crap.

Anyway, hang in there, honey--life can and will present you with magical surprises as well as slapdowns.

[yodajazz]

Melissa,

The problem with achieving our goals is that we expect they will make us happy. Yet we can only be happy in the present, not in the future, because the future never arrives. This might help:

1. Go to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (highly recommended by Oprah).

2. Follow up on the earlier suggestion to do some volunteer work at local charity. The only way to make yourself happy is by giving to others. Find a way to serve. It will make you feel good -- guaranteed!

3. Go outside and make a friend -- anyone. Just connect with someone as one human being to another.

4. Try to spend some time in the present. Take a break from your thoughts about the past and the future -- just be here now. It's refreshing. Go to a meditation class.

5. Forgive everyone, especially your family. Drop your grievances from the past. The past is dead and cannot be changed. Move on.

Everything you are looking for is right inside of you -- not out there anywhere.

Great first post. I couldn't agree with you more. Welcome to the board! Now that you have lost your virginity don't be afraid to post more.

There have been some great answers on this thread. I am proud of you all.