Am I a 'bad' person?

[BeardedOne]

This has the makings of a blog post, so I will type it thusly. It also reeks of the 'Am I gay?' thread variety, so if you have tired of such wails and diatribes, just move along, there's nothing for you to see here.

Granted, there are various levels of 'bad', from the kid swiping a candy bar at the corner store to...let's say...Hitler. I like to think of myself as being around the candy-swiping level of 'bad'.

It's fairly common knowledge that I am bi/pan/omnisexual (If it's breathing, I'll tap it!). It's also pretty well known that am I fairly dick-centric. To paraphrase a character from the Showtime series, 'Queer As Folk': "I like cock. I like to look at it, hold it, have it in my mouth and ass!".

Yet, in all of this, I try to be understanding of the culture in which we dance, ie: T-gurls. I like to think of myself as well-read, reasonably intelligent, polite and considerate. I try to treat all that I talk to/post with to the level of respect they earn and deserve.

Then comes today...

I woke up to the alarm (A rare treat, as I am an insufferable insomniac), found that the power had blipped during the night and caused grief to the computer. I caged the carpet bomber (The indoor cat has stretched my patience beyond measure and now spends daylight hours behind bars) and fed the porch cats and set off for work.

The first signs that this would be an 'off' day were at the convenience store that I hit each morning. The toaster had died (No breakfast) and I forgot my usual coffee and landed at the counter with a couple that was literally playing the he-said-she-said duel at two-the-fucking-clock-in-the-gawddamned-morning.

Not being able to decide whether to slap him, her, or both of them, I paid my way and got out of there before shots were fired. Once in the car, I bit into the first hotdog of the day (The only ready food that was available as the toaster had crapped out) and got a piece of bone lodged between my front teeth (If you like hotdogs, don't EVER research what's actually in them).

Arrived at work late, broken machinery, flaming wrecks, panicked supervisors, shit rolls downhill and I was in the valley this morning.

I somehow get through the day and come home to a couple of nice Ladyboy69 vids (Thank you, JeeZUS!), and then settle down to what I pray will be about seventy-two hours of absolutely NOTHING.

But noooooooooooo......

I gotta go window shopping in Eros.

To my delight, I see a posting from a gurl that I'd fallen in lust with about a year ago, just via her posted pics. She'd dropped off the radar for a bit and I thought she'd gone home/been deported/retired.

People's tastes vary widely, and I expect some on the forums might consider this gurl somewhat 'masculine' in her features, but from the moment that I saw the first image of her I was hooked. Sharp features, fine hair, large, dark and expressive eyes that hypnotize you and a smile that dissolves all the bad from your day.

I'd fantasized about meeting/being with this gurl from the moment I saw her face. I was obsessed! To say that I was disappointed/depressed when she slipped off the map a few months ago is an understatement.

So...

I am gleefully noting her contact info from her Eros ad (Which is identical to the one she'd previously posted) when I come to a minor change in the text of the posting: "Post-op" Thus explaining her absence from the human race for the past few months.

While I am an admitted cock bandit, a freely confessed cockhound, I do understand and appreciate when a gurl wants/seeks/needs SRS, but this particular time I felt as though I had missed something, perhaps felt a bit cheated in having not had the chance to experience this gurl in her 'before' persona.

Don't get me wrong, I still hope to someday meet this gurl and get to know her (If for no more than to gaze upon her incredible face in person), but I see little beyond that.

Here I am, adoring (Perhaps even worshiping) her image when I discover that the 'T-clit' is gone and suddenly the feelings diminish (Though don't completely fade).

How do the gurls deal with that? Have you (Post-ops) ever had a boyfriend/lover ask you to don a strap-on for the evening's festivities? Have post-op gurls maintained relationships with men that they'd dated as their 'old selves'?

*Sigh* It's difficult to be understanding and supportive of someone when they eschew a piece of them that you appreciate as much as you love them.

Perhaps I need to find a recipe for quiche and paper the house in pink or lavender.

[peggygee]

General, have you been taking a correspondence course at the Peggygee
School Of Journalism.

I was reading your post and had no idea it was heading to an 'encounter
of the post op kind'.

But I can actually understand and empathize with your angst.

Imagine you were headed to SIzzler for steak and potatoes, and they
were all out and ony had fried fish dinners.

Now you really had your mouth and heart set on 'turf', and they only
have 'smelly surf'.

But no you're not a bad person, at least you realize some of us heifers are really fish at heart.

[Jasadin]

I don't think your a bad guy.I mean you know what you like so I can understand you grieving.Maybe she's the bad one for selFISHly crossing over.I'm sorry for your loss.

[Supai]

How do the gurls deal with that? Have you (Post-ops) ever had a boyfriend/lover ask you to don a strap-on for the evening's festivities? Have post-op gurls maintained relationships with men that they'd dated as their 'old selves'?.

I don't deal with it. Not Post-op, but not all the money in the world could get me to top anything that would call itself a man, so might as well be in some sense. Allot of dipshits would say "what's the point?!", but I transitioned young and was gifted to be attractive to some men who liked me enough to be neither bothered, nor simply worshiping my anatomy. I've had a few potential dates hint towards it after awhile, but that simply made him an impass to be discarded. I don't escort am not subject to owing anyone anything because I had the misfortune to be born male anatomically.

[Daponster]

Having your own tastes doesn't make you a bad person, you are just a vaginaphobic or something.

[justatransgirl]

I read the whole thing and I still have no idea what the problem is. Your favorite t-girl had a sex change? That doesn't make you bad. Liking cock doesn't make you bad, and missing it doesn't either. I think...

And I have a whole quiver of strap-ons - why wait till my sex change... and oh yeah, you're gay! LOL

Giggle,
TS Jamie

[johnb]

Oh Great Bearded One- trust me, and I don't think you know me well enough to trust me, but I've read your posts over the years. You appear to me to be level-headed. You are, and will continue to be, fine. Keep on keepin' on.

[johnb]

besides, anyone who appreciates Hilda Brazil as much as you, has a good since of judgement.

[BrendaQG]

@B1

You like what you like. That can't be good or bad. So no you are not a bad person.

[BeardedOne]

Thanx so much for the kind and witty replies.

And thanx, Jas, for the wreath, though she isn't even 'mostly dead'. Heh @ 'selFISHly'.

Imagine you were headed to SIzzler for steak and potatoes, and they
were all out and ony had fried fish dinners.

Now you really had your mouth and heart set on 'turf', and they only
have 'smelly surf'.

Excellent analogy, though kielbasi and tacos might be the better image.

Having your own tastes doesn't make you a bad person, you are just a vaginaphobic or something.

Heh @ 'vaginaphobic'. Actually, I've yet to meet a kitty I didn't like and have had lovers slap me on the head to get me to come up for air, but T-kitty is an unexplored realm for me. Add to that the fact that age and health issues have made my dick uncooperative at best, making me primarily a bottom person in the Horizontal Hula. Kinda limits the sort of intimacies I might get involved in at times.

I read the whole thing and I still have no idea what the problem is. Your favorite t-girl had a sex change? That doesn't make you bad. Liking cock doesn't make you bad, and missing it doesn't either. I think...

I guess 'bad' was a poor choice. Certainly 'shallow', to some extent anyway. I'm just worrying (Probably too much) that I might come off (To this particular gurl at least) as one of those idjits that whine "Oh, no! She hacked off her money-maker! She is dead to us now!" (And before you pass that off as extreme, it is paraphrased from an actual post).

Perhaps I'm just thinking too much into this right now. This is what happens when I do brainwerking while I'm sick and downing Mint Juleps of NyQuil and beer.

And I have a whole quiver of strap-ons - why wait till my sex change... and oh yeah, you're gay! LOL

Ah! A verdict at last! I will run right out and get an Andy Warhol print for the bedroom and a Mapplethorpe to hang over the loo.

Heh @ toys, way-back-when I actually earned a 'Gold Membership' at Good Vibrations for the multitude of handy substitutes I had purchased there.

You appear to me to be level-headed.

Heh, gotcha fooled.

besides, anyone who appreciates Hilda Brazil as much as you, has a good since of judgement.

Thanx. In fact, this gurl (Also from Brasil) reminds me somewhat of Hilda with her eyes and smile.

You like what you like. That can't be good or bad. So no you are not a bad person.

Thanx.

Thanx again to all that gave their thougts. I feel a little less shallow now.