Shame and Remorse and Me and You

[whatsupwithat]

This morning, I was listening to a woman, a lesbian, who recently came out of the closet. She talked about her struggle with her sexuality over the years, the attempt to deny it, to push it away…and the shame and remorse she would wake up with after having sexual encounters with women. I think a lot of people with alternative (I hate that word) sexualities go through these feelings at some point in their lives. Some when they are young, others when they are old.

Anyways, I got to thinking about my own experiences with shame and remorse. At an early age, when I first realized my sexuality, my attraction to trans women, I was at a complete loss. There was no internet. There were no books. There was no place for the guys in the community to gather and share stories and support. But, mixed with my pubescent and raging hormones, my attraction was overpowering. I couldn’t deny it. Not to say I didn’t try to. I went “straight”. Enjoyable, but not fully. I tried “gay”. Never worked at all for me. But what was interesting to me, as I look back at my own life, was that I never felt shame or remorse about my straight or gay experiences/experiments. But what I did feel shame about was my true self, my true sexuality. It tore at me incessantly back then.

It’s been years since I felt that shame and remorse. Years. But listening to this woman this morning, all of that came rushing back to me and I thought about all of us here. Some of us have taken steps to be out and proud of who we are. Some are in relationships and dating trans women but are still living with a buried shame. Some visit escorts and feel nothing. And some are living deep, deep within the confines of closets made by their own hand. There are many of us here. We’re all different.

My reason for posting this… I would love to hear your experiences with shame and remorse in relation to your sexuality. I would love to hear about your struggles with you are…and where you are. And to those who might say they never felt shame or remorse…I can say with 100% certainty that none of us woke up one day and all was well with our sexuality or desires…none of us…no matter what we might tell ourselves.

Much peace. ☺

[JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel]

I've never been with (hmmmmmm how would you describe it) I guess a M2M (lol). I (and if I offend anyone, sorry) find it repulsive to be with a guy sexually, I hate it for instance when I click on those thumbnail avi links like shegods and they direct me to another site which slips in one or 2 men on men sex clips. That shit makes me sick to my stomach.

As far as transsexuals go I have ALWAYS considered a M2F a woman. I've joked on here in the past with certain dames, calling them dudes to get an angry sexual frustrated rise out of them, but that's it. Nicole Dupree is nodding her head right now, she's on the stripper pole filming for a GorillaHaze™ production as I type this.

I will never feel guilty for having sex with a M2F, I see you all as women. It's odd Eric because I've never had a moment of inner guilt when it comes to that, yet if I'm in a predominately gay club and some dude looks at me too long or tries to buy me a drink i'll get repulsed and wanna go throw up (I'm exaggerating on the vomiting, but you get the idea).

[hwbs]

early on i cant say that i didn't think it was wrong at the time...i had only a few experiences...just some random hookups ... to me it was just nsa sex and that was it ...i was lucky enough to meet Allanah Starr years back and she changed my perspectives on everything...she had taken me under her wing and i will always be thankful for that ...to have someone to talk to about everything you are going through without being judged ...Without meeting her and her friendship i am pretty sure i would not be on here today !!!!

[whatsupwithat]

IIt's odd Eric because I've never had a moment of inner guilt when it comes to that, yet if I'm in a predominately gay club and some dude looks at me too long or tries to buy me a drink i'll get repulsed and wanna go throw up (I'm exaggerating on the vomiting, but you get the idea).

i think the shame that i had when i was younger came from the lack of support and information that communities like this and others offer us. i was so very young and with no information or support or guidance from "those that came before me", i felt a bit alienated, odd, different. there was literature in the library about transsexuals, but not about men like myself. it didn't last long as i spread my wings farther, but i did feel shame at first about being different from everyone else around me. again, i think a lot of younger (and sometimes older) people go through this phase of trying to understand where they fit in and how....especially when their sexuality is not considered the norm in society's eyes.

[ottorocket]

I'll step up. Basically...I am your average Joe. The whole TG thing kinda crept up on me like a slow fever, and late in my years. I was a late bloomer...small guy in high school and didn't get many dates (ok none) and finally met my first girlfriend GG, at the age of 18. This turned into a long time relationship, that felt good, i really am attracted to a certain type of female, and thought she was the one. Well, what i found out was she wasn't and i spent along time in a monogomous relationship, that turned into the same ol' same ol'...and i grew bored.

About the same time, i began on the internet (the cause of all of this..heh) and stumbled on a pic of a lovely trans lady with the same looks as my ex..but something different. It was exciting..it wasn't turning me off..and i began infrequently turning to the internet for more images of ladies like her. (Can't remember who it was though) but she was extremely passably hot.

I questioned myself after pleaseing myself...of course, like what have i gotten into here? So after my ex, i dated around, a few kewl chicks, a stripper, a cougar...etc and was back at school scratching my head when i met this "other" girl.

She was an assistant to one of the design assistant. Asian...petite...demure and very forward to me. Something in the back of my head told me...my radar wasn't picking up GG...but TG. I had snooped around, listening to gossip at parties and heard about her, some of the guys saying "is she" etc... and decided to say WTF and ask her out, as she seemed receptive.

Well...i did, we went out...and I confirmed it after a few dates and some deep conversations, and the usual strait male questions i had. Personally, i've never been with a guy...never wanted too, still don't...and don't have those desires. I figured out (well a little help with my therapist over the years) that I was slightly socially repressed in my upbringing (i was sick alot as a child and stayed home) that prevented me having the type of relationships most young people had to develop your typical scenario of girl meets boy...goes to prom...goes to college...etc. I didnt make the most of my younger years like alot of guys do.

In any event, i was somewhat shackled down to my fears and became very introverted, as many TG women can be, but which put me on the same playing field emotionally to connect on that level with some of them. Not saying all tg women are like me...but the ones i've met only. There is a shared, smaller communty here that i feel comfortable with and i can appreciate the journey and difficulties of transwomen go through.

So meeting that one girl changed my perspective (which was feeling like swimming upstream) from simple curiousity and confusion, to bedrock solid feeling that secured me in my sexuality, of being able to love GG women for what they bring, but opening up the options to TG women for their unique sense of being.

I really havent felt shameful...My one and only relationship with a TS girl was away from my family and close friends, but those i had at school knew i was dating her, and i never hung me head in shame. At first i had trepidation i might get labeled as "that guy"...but it never happened.

Since then, i've had childhood friends come out as gay, and we've all accepted them as the same...and my life path has changed that my old friends aren't a part of my daily busy schedule anymore. But personally my love of GG hasn't gone away, and it shares my desires with TG women in new ways. Who knows where this path takes me, whom i connect with along the way...Me? I just want to be happy and enjoy this life without the next person bringing me down.

[JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel]

I remember going to these clubs locally pre-Allanah events and how guys basically stood around by themselves with the exception of Megabody and his crew. Which is when I got the 1st idea that guys can be friends with other guys in this community. It wasn't until I met Mega that I even spoke to a dude at those clubs, everyone was so uptight and guys had that "I'm not GAY and if you approach me I'm gonna knock you out, look" yet they would get grabbed by some chick and be on their knees in some corner half an hour later (hehe).

[flabbybody]

LOL jw
before I met mega I thought there was a law on the books: never make eye contact with another male at Edleweiss/Now Bar
after mega, those places actually became fun. and meeting guys like nyce, J, partridge, (and you) who were smart and successful I started to feel fairly normal

[BeardedOne]

I can't say for sure that I've ever felt shame and remorse outside of individual circumstances (See the definition of There are no ugly people at 2:00 AM), but I clearly understand the descriptions of each scenario. I remember feeling rather shameful and embarrassed by my first sexual encounter when I was thirteen, but I think it was more from the fact that I'd broken mother's first rule and accepted a ride from a stranger and not much at all to do with the fact that said stranger fondled and blew me at the end of the ride.

I have had some recent reflections into self that might be considered feelings of shame, but not of remorse. I don't have much problem with going out on the town with a gurl (Some here on HA have seen the public 'me' and can voice their own opinions if they like), but I do have some difficulty just being out in public due to personal me-versus-the-universe issues. This might be seen as some shame or embarrassment on the part of my companions.

I would have no shame in introducing or being seen with one of the gurls (Please excuse my generalization of TS/TG/Transwomen as 'gurls', but I am lazy and my fingers are tired) to friends and family, but I have a limited focus of what those are. My closer friends tend to be a more intelligent, adventurous, pansexual sort that wouldn't raise an eye at what gender I chose to romp with (Or how many in a night) while my family, while very positive people (ie: I don't dislike them in the slightest), are so distant that at my eldest sister's funeral we all had to introduce ourselves (Had I not been standing beside my mother most of the night, they wouldn't have had a clue who I was). As best as I know them (And some have expressed some phobia/animosity towards 'alternative lifestyles'), I believe that, whether or not they approved of my choice of partner, they would at least be polite and so I would have no qualms about introducing them.

My only true remorse in all of this is that I am not more outgoing or quite as entertaining as I might have been in my younger days.

[TrueBeauty TS]

First, I give props to all the guys for even responding. I don't know if I believe all that 100%, but whatever.

Second, you will notice that out of, how many people on HA, 5000+, only about 5 guys responded so far.


So maybe that says something in itself?

[BeardedOne]

after mega, those places actually became fun. and meeting guys like nyce, J, partridge, (and you) who were smart and successful I started to feel fairly normal

Note that he stops short at 'fairly'.