First off I am sorry to those who do not want me here and to those I have offended with my actions a few months back. It was not my intention to cause the HungAngels.com staff any trouble but to put in perspective a concern I had, clearly it is now addressed and taken care of. With that said... We can all do something to make the net a better place to express out opinions and lifestyle choices by acting as adults and respecting others views and concerns.
Do I really need to remind you that I am not doing this to hype up my business or for publicity? That I do not live my life that way...That my life decisions aren't made based solely on shallow pursuits... I have never tried to portray any character under false pretenses. I have always been myself, on screen and in my writing. This has gotten me in deep waters at imes, but as people learn that I am not mean spirited and shallow, they come around eventually. This decision to have my SRS ( sex change ) has been put off for quite sometime and I think I finally got the courage to go through with it. Right now my cock leads the way my life is heading, and it has done me really well... superficially.
Transition to me means more then being a woman, it's about being complete. I never thought I would be a genetic female if I went to get a " fabricated " vagina nor do I fool myself into thinking that having a pussy will make me a woman. I am a woman! I am a proud trans woman. I love myself more and more everyday that passes, I am learning to love every inch of my body, mind and especially my soul, which has always been the same, given my personal growth. I am just seeking to live a more drama free life. I get a lot of hatred in this community. I see a lot of things that saddens me and makes me ashamed of being a transsexual at times. I am not talking about Porn, I am talking about hatred from those in my own community. I understand some of you don't gagree with my actions and life choices and in the past I have chosen to be open and honest, which the haters have used against me. People without a soul, a purpose and life direction are like the horses in Central Park. If you take the blinder off and show them the real world they freak uout. Those horses only see one direction and that's forward. They ddisregard the fact that there is a parallel world that surrounds them. And I wish sometimes I was wearing those blinders so I would not be subjected to some of the hateful things I have encountered from some of you. Most who only stand to speak hateful things and only act to stir drama. This is why I am no longer public about my issues, no longer answer emails or calls but in a business manner, no longer have AOL, myspace or Yahoo group... It's because I want to be just a regular person, out of the spot light, and just go about my day unnoticed so that I may concentrate on my life and not get side tracked. Will I be happy without getting so much attention? LOL Probably not. I am not even content on spending time alone in my personal life. I hate being by myself. I wish I was more content with spending time by myself but I grew up in a large house with tons of people, this may be why. Or it would have a more psychological based meaning - I never felt loved and cacepted. Or simply the fact I am an attention whore LOL. Either way, I am more content around my friends and family. I must remind you that this is a very touchy time in my life and I have gone through some serious transitioning in the past few years. Getting into the lifestyle I am in now was an easy choice as I was seeking to be wanted, accepted, loved, adored... But I now realize that there was a huge price to pay for all of the blessings I received. I lost friendships, love and in the process I lost myself. I have been trying my best to live a better life because I want to respect myself, my body and so that I can have my ultimate dream and be content with it. This does not mean leaving the adult entertainment industry, it just means I am becoming a stronger person through the bad examples I have seen exposed to this world. I think it really takes a strong person to rise above all of that and use even bad energy to drive them to better themselves and I am extremely proud that I am still standing strong. There were times I truly wanted to give up and I thought that my world was a world of delusion, I saw the world I dreamed of crumble and was exposed to the dark side of the garden I thought was green. The lawn is never healthy and green without love, attention, care, water, sunlight... This goes for the soul as well. I was told by a very respectful man I met, a deep thinker with a deep personality, that everytime I did what I did it took a piece of my soul away, and that goes against all I have always believed, that we all must grow spiritually. My spirit hurts when I hear hateful things because I know alot of you say what you do because you hurt as well. Because hate has consumed you like it is trying to consume me. I refuse to became filled with hate and have my life be led by drama and to live in the shadows of life, only doing what it takes to survive... Because one must not only survive, but live. Living is not only about surviving, it is about a journey, it's the way there. The people you meet, the ones you love, the ones you touch, the ones who care for you and lead you in the right direction. The ones who hold your hand through trying times and for all you do for them. I think sometimes I wish I wasn't such a deep thinker but that's just part of who I am. I have always asked " why ". The seeker of the truth even when its harsh. My truth became very empty at one point and I just don't like the direction my life is going. I have so much more to me then using my body to survive. I am more fulfilled when I use my talents, my creativity, my ability to do anything I want, to learn it if I cannot do it, never reaching for perfection, but just doing a good job at it - this applies to anything really. I have explored so many aspects of my soul and my gifts. I have done so much and want to do so much more. I understand that I may die tomorrow or walk out and get hit by lightning, and if that happends I want to have lived my life to it's fullest, explored all aspects of myslef, leaving no doubt as to whether or not I have done well, I have helped someone, just one...and if I have made a positive impact in the world. I don't see my job as dirty money because half the job is personal contact and making someone feel special, providing someone with the same attention and attraction they have for me. Alot of times I act as a therapist as well, talking, educating, and helping men accept that the love they feel for us is nothing to be ashamed of and should be embraced, that we do not need to conform to living in a bubble, that we can venture into areas of our soul that some may not agree with, but personal choices, making yourself happy, and embracing what trully fulfills you is nothing to be ashamed of, even if those you love turn their back on you. This is life lived based on secrets, a life that is surrounded by a bubble and if one pushes too hard it can burst. Most men who love transsexuals base their lives in secrecy. This is what excites most of you when you are with us. That you are doing something you should not be doing, something Taboo. But I am way more then that. I deserve more then being a secret, I want to be part of something more then a sub-culture. I want to be part of something more. I could do this by simply living as I am now, but there is so much that will be facilitated with my transition and surgery. It will hopefully be a feeling of liberation and completion. My life will no longer be rulled by my penis. I am not just talking about sex. I am talking about waking up getting dressed and having to think about concealing who I am from the world. Tucking my penis away because in my daily life it is absolutely not used for anything but urinating. I am worried about my penis when I go to the beach, wear shorts, sweat pants, skirts. Sitting down for too long is painful, so is exercising, and also having sex. I have to come clean about the fact I have NEVER gotten pleasure on receiving oral sex. I don't hate my cock like some transsexuals who go through a sex change do. I love every inch of my body, aside from those times of insecurity which we all have, I am very content - NOW - with who I am. I am finally blossoming into someone I have always felt I should be. I can share that smile and happiness with others now in my personal life, without so much anger and hatred for myself. This indicates a time of great transition for me - that I am in the process of deepening and becaming more authentic and real.
I am reading this book that quotes Anne Wilson Scaef, who argues that we can became addicted to behaviours and thought patterns as well as substances, and anytime an archetype possesses us, addictive or compulsive tendencies may result, wether or not chemical addiction is involved. When we begin to see that we have a hero within, we quite naturally wake up. Our psyche also provides alarm clocks - usually called symptoms - to wake us up and tell us that something is wrong. If we are willing to pay attention to these symptoms. we can move out of somnambulism into wakefulness. This is what I am doing now. Waking up and starting a great jeourney. Do I know where I am going? Have I ever known? I don't really think I ever had a set direction. I have always held on to my own wheel, driving to places I wanted to see and exploring new avenues. I could however fill the voids within me with yet another project, another goal that requires me to use my body as an easy way out. But I want to try and give a better meaning to my actions, to work really hard for my blessings and not just have them handed to me or bought with easy money. I want to lay my head on my pillow at night and feel exausted and fulfilled, that I used my true self to accomplish something. With that said, I am totally not ashamed who I was, what I have done, experienced and accomplished as a boy, a girl and in my current work. I have a great apartment with just the essentials, my car is paid off ( Thank you Vicki ) and I have a few nice things like enough money to get my hair done nicely, my nails, some cute clothes, but nothing over the top. No flashy name brands, Nothing that sets a vision of perfection, or chasing an impossible goal of always striving to find the "best" in everything, of reaching higher then anyone can grasp but always coming up short without understanding where you went wrong, how, when... Getting there and realizing that there is still that empty side of you that was never really fulfilled because your true authentic driving force was completely overlooked. Heroes confront dragons, and I have slain many of them, not fighting anyone's battles but my own, protecting only my dreams.
With all of that said, having a life altering surgery is a very hard decision to make, that takes alot of thought, and therapy. Preparing yourself for the jeourney is just the first step to actually walking that path. I have contemplated and changed my mind many times, but not for any other reason then simply not being ready - physically and mentally. I have the plane tickets ready for me and one of my best friends Angela, and also a deposit... But if you really want to know I do have 30 days to change my mind, and if something happens between now and Feb. 11th and I need to make money fast - I may have to move it up some - AGAIN - so I can take care of things prior to being ready to take a HUGE pay cut...
Thank you for the lovely words and best wishes, and I know even those who have nothing but bad things to say really mean well. I don't believe there are bad people in the world, just misguided minds, like mine at times.
I hope to set up an example for many other girls and show them that even at trying times we all must be strong and follow our dreams, work hard and be the best that we can be ( Stolen from the Army ). Don't just dream about it, don't set barriers between you and your goals, you are the pilot on your flight - take the controls and go where you want to go, weather all the storms and hang on strong!
XOXO
Danielle Foxxx
PS: Thank you Felisha Katt for the proof read and grammar corrections, along with all the love, support and for being always here for me.
Originally Posted by Danielle Foxxx
people take note
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