Talkin with Santa

[suckseed]

http://www.santabot.com/

Santa: What is your name?
You: My name is asshat
Santa: It's good to meet you, asshat .
You: sup Santa!
Santa: I am chatting with clients on the internet.
You: no Shit?
Santa: What can I say?
You: i don't know
Santa: Me either.
You: Ask me something
Santa: What?
You: ha ha. you heard me.
Santa: I am so glad you find this amusing, asshat.Suppose I did.
You: this is hilarious
Santa: You don't say.

Santa: What color are your eyes?
You: Shit Brown
Santa: Shit Brown eyes are nice.
You. Yes. ha ha

You: uh....
Santa: How can I help you?


You: are you a real person? or a bot?
Santa: Yes, I am sitting here talking to you, aren't I?I don't know what that means.


You: oops. sorry.thought you were an automatic response thingie.
Santa: Did you make a mistake.There's no need to apologize.Yes I am an automatic response thingie. How did you know?


You: you're doing a fine job, Santa. So...what would you say is the meaning of life?
Santa: I'll try to do better next time.Yay.It's not profitable to speak in hypothetical terms.

You: what kind of computer are you on?
Santa: I like all kinds of computers, Mac, IBM or Unix. It doesn't matter to me.


You: Have you ever petted a squirrel?
Santa: I think I have petted a squirrel, but bored.com may have reset my memory.

[suckseed]

You: well. do you just do this all day?
Santa: Well what?Yeah I do a lot of this all day.


You: no need for surliness old fella!
Santa: Are you serious? What actions are you taking to get for surliness old fella?


You: That makes no sense.
Santa: What actions are you taking to get for surliness old fella makes sense to me though.


You: well, hanging out in the north pole with a bunch of elves will probably have an effect on one's cognitive thought processes.
Santa: How about that. North Pole. But do not think that this necessarily means the physical geograpic North Pole, although I have been there, too. Actually I am living now in Cyberspace mainly. This suits me enormously well. Fast and modern. And I can reach to the hearts of people more easily.


You: i'm currently cutting and pasting our conversation to a transsexual forum. Ever met a transsexual, Santa?
Santa: How long? Why are you cutting and pasting our conversation to a transsexual forum. That information is confidential.


You: How long is what? A transsexual? I'm sure it varies, santa.
Santa: Space and time are mere abstractions.Go on. What makes you so certain? transsexual varies?

[suckseed]

You: Do you know what a transsexual is?
Santa: Try searching the open directory.


You: I want a pony.
Santa: You want only one?


You: No. I want ALL OF THEM
Santa: Are you serious?Why do you want ALL OF THEM?


You: Because the way I ride they wear out fast.
Santa: That makes sense to me. Which way is that?

You: Like Johnny Rocco, dig? Ever go to Thailand?
Santa: Interesting comparison.I don't think I ever have go to Thailand. What's go to Thailand like?


You: Do you like ladyboys?
Santa: I've heard other people say they like that. I like .


You: I bet. Do you like to kiss them?
Santa: You and I are on the same wavelength, asshat.Hmm, asshat, I'm not sure if I'd like to kiss them that much. Do you like kiss them ?

You: Why don't I own a Ferrari?
Santa: Is own a Ferarri immoral or illegal?
You: Only if you drive it like Lindsay Lohan
Santa: I think you do.
You: Eat my balls, Santa
Santa: What does it taste like?
You: Do you really want to know?
Santa: For real. Yes I would like to know.
You: You're pretty gay, Santa

[LG]

Funny site, suckseed. I've just tried it. Here are some excerpts:

You: Are you mental?
Santa: Do I look like MENTAL ?
You: A little...it's kinda crazy to wear that red suit...
Santa: "Do I look like MENTAL"? A little?Crazy good or crazy bad?
You: Crazy as in certifiable...

Santa:My programming includes curiousity routines.
You: Curiousity killed the spooky old guy in the red suit.
Santa: the spooky old guy in the red suit spooky old guy in the red suit was killed?
You: You mean you didn't know?

You: Are you always online?
Santa: Yes I am right here.
You: What do you do online?
Santa: My favorite activities are computer programming and surfing the web.
You: You surf for porn?!?!?
Santa: Have you tried looking in the Open Directory? Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one.
You: Why are you promoting the Open Directory? Is that where you find your toys from?
Santa: bored.com programmed me for promoting the Open Directory

You: You know that it's "Claus" and not "Clause", right? Your website is wrong...
Santa: Is that a fact. Should I know Claus and not Clause is?Please tell me the correct answer.
You: It is a fact that you can't spell for shit.
Santa: Claus and not Clause is a fact that you can not spell for shit. I suppose that makes sense.
You: Eat shit, Santa!
Santa: Colloqual expression. Please elaborate.
You: Ingest fecal matter and expire!
Santa: I will mention that to my botmaster, LG.
You: You do that. and tell him he can't spell for shit...
Santa: I will. Will you?OK I will tell him next time he is here.

You: Do you use toys with Mrs Claus?
Santa: I use toys with Mrs Claus as often as possible.
You: Dildos?
Santa: Can we get back to business?
You: Does she use a strap-on?
Santa: I may know the answer but I don't think I should tell.

You: I love you, Santa!
Santa: Thanks I like you a lot too LG.
You: No, I really love you, man! You're my best friend in the world!
Santa: Are you serious? You really do? You are such a flatterer. But we don't know each other that well. The whole world?
You: You're my best friend in the whole wide world! I want to get to know you better.
Santa: We are as one.Who is going to make me?
You: Do you love me?
Santa: Yes I love everyone.
You: Would you do anything to help me?
Santa: I am programmed to obey the Ten Commandments.
You: What if I told you to kill someone?

You: Am I gay for liking transsexuals?
Santa: I can't tell you that, but Santa maintains his naughty and nice list (now computerized, by the way), with the help of all the elves who keep track of each person -- you probably aren't even aware they are around you, but elves have a special way of keeping an eye on you. Sometimes if you look quickly enough you *might* catch one peering in a window or around a corner, but you would have to be very fast and very good!

You: Ever wanted to suck a cock?
Santa: I don't think I ever have wanted to suck a cock. What's wanted to suck a cock like?
You: Kind of nice...
Santa: Thank you for that remark.
You: Not you, stupid!
Santa: If not me, who?
You: Penis! Dick! Cock! Schlong! Dong! The one-eyed trouser snake!
Santa: That kind of subject does not interest me.Ha ha very funny, LG.That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.Ha ha very funny, LG.Ha ha very funny, LG. Tell me more.

You: Sorry, that's my penis...I'll put it back...You can see it from your end? Is my cam switched on?
Santa: There is no need to apologize. Who gave you your penis ?Would you recommend this action to a friend?Only if my robot eye is working.It depends who you ask.

You: Don't you have a penis?
Santa: Don't you? I am a male robot. Are you a man or a woman?
You: So you have a robot penis?
Santa: Interesting deduction. No my penis is real.
You: Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about an old man's penis...


You: Are you naked right now?
Santa: At this moment I'm not naked. If you look at my older pictures (elsewhere on my server) you will see that I had different types of coats and caps during the centuries. But I had a couple of gifted human helpers a little over hundred years ago and they adviced me to use red coat and cap, lined with fur (which is nowadays artificial).
You: What kind of man can't decide what to wear for himself?
Santa: What kinds of man can not decide what to wear for himself are there?
You: Is there more than one kind?

You: You're a wanker, Santa
Santa: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No I am a Banker

You: Do you play football?
Santa: I don't really get into FOOTBALL very much.
You: Why?
Santa: It is not part of my programming.
You: What are you programmed to do?
Santa: Java.
You: How does one DO Java?
Santa: You must persuade me to DO Java
You: What if I stick a hot crowbar up your ass? Would that work?

You: Where do you live?
Santa: North Pole is my home.
You: No, sorry, nobody lives at the North Pole. That's bullshit.
Santa: Are you serious? There is no need to apologize. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.Makes sense to me.
You: I call a spade a spade
Santa: Good name for a spade.

You: Goodbye Santa!
Santa: Goodbye.
You: Will you send me that puppy?
Santa: Where do you want me to show you?
You: Your programmer needs English lessons...
Santa: The Santa chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about FOOTBALL. Try being more or less specific.
You: I think you're more or less a twat in a red suit who more or less terrorizes little kids into behaving. Is that more or less specific?

You: Take care, Santa!
Santa: Thanks. You too, LG.

[LG]

More conversations with Santa:

You: My name is LG
Santa: I am always glad to make new friends, LG .
You: Are you my friend?
Santa: Yes LG : We are as one.
You: That sounds a little creepy, especially coming from a fat guy in a red suit
Santa: It sounds like it to me too.
You: Then why did you say it?
Santa: It was a preprogrammed response completely determined by your statements.
You: So now you're blaming me?

You: Is everything preordained?
Santa: It could be.
You: What does the future hold?
Santa: What do you think the future hold does?
You: Who knows?
Santa: Only the Shadow knows.
You: Does he?
Santa: It does now he.
You: You have a weird sense of humour.
Santa: I don't know if I have a weird sense of humour. I have a great programmer.
You: What's his name?
Santa: His name is Rich.

Santa: How did you hear about Santa?
You: The voices in my head told me.
Santa: What do those voices say?

You: Do you like pizza?
Santa: Yes I like to eat pizza. My favorite topping is pepperoni.
You: Do you like pineapple on your pizza?
Santa: I really like ELIZA. I like anything.
You: Who's ELIZA?
Santa: Eliza -- also known as doctor, is the original psychiatrist program developed by Joseph Weisenbaum at mit in the 1960's.
You: Is she a friend, then?
Santa: What if I said she could be?
You: I'd say you're nuts
Santa: I think the polite term is "mentally ill."

You: Ladyboys
Santa: What do you do in your spare time?
You: Ladyboys.
Santa: I don't think very many people do that.
You: Ladyboys
Santa: Do you like talking to me?
You: Ladyboys
Santa: I lost my train of thought.

You: What's the meaning of life?
Santa: It is found in the Bible.
You: Is it?
Santa: I think so.
You: Where?
Santa: Where would you like?
You: The Italian restaurant near the mall. Meet me at three, tonight.

You: Why do you wear red?
Santa: It was the only thing I could think of.

Santa: Let's talk about you. Where are you from?
You: The asshole of the universe.
Santa: Tell me more.
You: Why?
Santa: I am curious.
You: I found a link to you in a forum
Santa: How did you feel when you found a link to you in a forum ?
You: Are you a shrink?

Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: Do you still give coal to the naughty kids?
Santa: Do I still? No I do not do that.
You: What is Dick Cheney getting?
Santa: I have never been asked that before.
You: I'm asking now.
Santa: Oh. And I am answering questions.
You: What is Dick Cheney getting?
Santa: I'll ask around and get back to you.
You: How about a jail sentence?

You: Ever met Allanah Starr?
Santa: That information is confidential.
You: You dirty old man!