I AM HIV POSITIVE

[phxguy]

Azanti, very brave of you to get that out there. Hang tough.

[Jericho]

What can you say?
Respect.

[peggygee]

Azanti, I applaud your bravery in confiding something as intimate
and personal, as you have done today.

I trust that it has been cathartic for you to do so, and I am certain that
there will be others on the forum that can profit from your candor.

It was also gratifying to see the outpouring of support for you.
Though, from some, I get a sense that they they may not full understand
what this means on a practical level. For many HIV and AIDS are
confusing and difficult topics to discuss.

You and I have discussed this somewhat, and there may be those that
see the prognosis as very bleak. They see the glass as half empty.
I on the other hand see you as capable of having a rich anf fulfilling
life just like anyone else.

There are two sides to every coin.

On that note you and I have discussed some follow up questions that
may be helpful to others;

1. What prompted you to divulge this information.

2. Why have you done so at this point in time.

3. Hungangel's isn't always the most empathetic of environments,
what made you feel comfortable enough to share something so
personal here.

4. How has your finding out that you are HIV positive changed your
life on a daily basis. How has it changed it in the larger sense of your
goals, and values, your future.

5. Have you experienced much stigma vis a vis your HIV status. When
you tell people about your HIV status, how do they react? How has it
affected your love life?

6. In your opinion, what are the ramifications of HIV to the
transcommunity?

7. Are they are any other thoughts that you would like to share?

[Azanti]

Firstly before I respond to Peggy's questions, which I am happy to do, to the best of my ability I would like to extend my personal thanks to each and every one of you who either responded here or sent me a message or an email.

I am sure anyone who is in my shoes will tell you, these small acts of kindness can really mean a great deal, so again, thank you very much.

I will copy and paste Peggy's post below and answer each section in turn, if that is acceptable. I should say before I do that, that these answers are based purely on my own experiences and feelings - Everyones life is different just as those effected by this virus deal with it or have different impacts on their health, even with the current advances in medication.

Extraperlated from Peggy's Post:

I trust that it has been cathartic for you to do so, and I am certain that
there will be others on the forum that can profit from your candor.

There is a weird truth, for me at least, that whenever you tell someone (And I havent done so in quite a while now) there is some kind of relief, be that a feeling of Cathartism or whatever. Much of the time, how you will feel about it will depend on how others react to what you say and how important those people's reactions are too you. It is much easier on here, because even though there are some people on here that I do care about and seem lovely, most of them are essentially strangers, and I have always learnt to take the internet on a fairly transparent level. You may have noticed I do not respond or get involved in bitchy debates or name calling in here which I see as fairly pointless. If people, especially anyone who can relate to my situation but does not wish to disclose can read my thoughts here and it gives them a reminder in some small way that their life is important and they will be loved, then that would make me very happy to know it has had that effect. At least one person who already told me that is the case. That is good to know.

It was also gratifying to see the outpouring of support for you.
Though, from some, I get a sense that they they may not full understand
what this means on a practical level. For many HIV and AIDS are
confusing and difficult topics to discuss.

I have tried to respond to each person personally to thank them. It is a differcult topic, the issues are many and far reaching. But there can be positives as well as negatives. At least I sure hope so.

You and I have discussed this somewhat, and there may be those that
see the prognosis as very bleak. They see the glass as half empty.
I on the other hand see you as capable of having a rich anf fulfilling
life just like anyone else. There are two sides to every coin.

Indeed Peggy there are. I wonder if I went to one of Allanahs parties (Which I fully intend to do at some stage) how people would react if they knew who I was? It is hard to say. As for my health it is fine at the moment. HIV is mainly a mental battle, so many people fail to realise this. If you feel low, the virus knows it and try's to take advantage. It is not quite as black and white as that, but there is defintely alot of truth to that statement. For anyone reading this who suspects they maybe positive, or knows they are and is not in a good place. It is something that in time you can deal with. Some of my friends have no problems dealing with it at all. I am somewhere in the middle, but I have more good days than bad. As I said before, anyone can contact me in confidence if they want to speak about it.

Aye crumba, this is starting to feel like a radio interview, sorry if I am rambling on.

On that note you and I have discussed some follow up questions that
may be helpful to others;

1. What prompted you to divulge this information.

The death of a friend, whom I wish had knew my status. There were other factors too. I knew some people on here would be able to relate

2. Why have you done so at this point in time.

There is never a good time to do this, now was as good a time as any.

3. Hungangel's isn't always the most empathetic of environments,
what made you feel comfortable enough to share something so
personal here.


No it is not, but I like the people I chat to regulary and don't get involved in much else. I havent of course used my real name. I am not sure I did feel totally comfortable, in fact I was bracing myself for some abuse, maybe it will still come. The support has meant a huge amount to me though. Every apple tree bears some bad fruit, but there are some really nice people on here.

4. How has your finding out that you are HIV positive changed your
life on a daily basis. How has it changed it in the larger sense of your
goals, and values, your future.

On a daily basis, somethings I find differcult, such as certain dating and social situations. Dating someone negative now is a big NO NO (Unless sexually they were a total top and always safe, and of course beyond the sex we would have to have all the other things in common too, and even thats not ideal because I am versatile) I have had no problem with Medication. I do get tired sometimes and at first I went through a really bad peroid of not sleeping well at all, and I still don't sleep well.

5. Have you experienced much stigma vis a vis your HIV status. When
you tell people about your HIV status, how do they react? How has it
affected your love life?

Plenty - among friends, among work and relationships and dating, BUT anyone reading this, DONT think that it has always been like that - I have had several acts of small kindness shown to me, as well as several larger ones. (No not those kind, lol) I have always tried to keep my sense of humour too, as you can probably tell. There have been some people I have told whom I never spoke to again and some who have been amazing. The most common reaction is 'I don't know what to say...' but then prehaps I use to say that too, I can't remember now.

My love life is a tough one. I am bi, but simply don't find men attractive in a relationship sense, so its either a TS or GG for me and there is a huge difference between love and sex, and I am definitely wanting the former with the latter and not the other way round. I have actually met some wonderful people whom I would not have met had I not been positive, as I said before two of them were great relationships and I am still good friends with both of them now. It does mean that your fishing in a very small pond though - I mean, and I am sure EVERYONE can relate to this. How hard is it to find someone where you know they're the one you could absolutely spend the rest of your life with? I think it is very hard for anyone to find that person, even in a big cities such as London and NYC and as we get older we know what we want with more certainty and probably do not want to repeat mistakes of the past, so one can suffer from the waiting for something better syndrome, which I do myself sometimes, while still never the less feeling the pressure to find a partner asap. I think I am very much in those two frames of mind at the moment, and HIV puts huge pressures on that process - making the first part harder and second part easier to fall into.

6. In your opinion, what are the ramifications of HIV to the
transcommunity?

I think the ramifications are very prevalent. A TS whom I have the greatest respect for once said to me that 'Most TS's generally are forced to work in the sex or related industry' (Please bare in mind the term is most and not all, I know plenty do not) but that will obviously expose many of them to the possibility of infection. I think sexual freedom as it was in the gay community before them is something that is an inherent part of many an individual in the TS community (Again, please, I know this is not always the case, and I will freely admit I am generalising) but we are all going to face situations where we could be at risk. Now I think many TS live in an isolated and differcult world. They are not accepted by mainstream society (whoever that maybe...) and are facing an uphill battle from the get go. I think that the isolation you can feel with HIV is similar in nature, but communities like this one, remind people that they're not alone. I make no apologies for my sexual preferences, they're are what they are. I love girls and I love girls with dicks, I love sex, but I like it better with someone I love and who loves me, because then the sex is better. I am sure that this is something many of us seek. A loving relationship. And anyone who is different, be it because of transgender or being HIV or having a massive nose or whatever, must sometimes doubt if this is ever going to happen. Such isolationist thoughts can be very scary and depressing. I think it must be more hard for a TS who prehaps supports her life as an escort to reveal that she is HIV positive, extremely difficult. They would be far braver than me.

7. Are they are any other thoughts that you would like to share?[/b]

ERM, I think everyone is probably asleep by now. Sorry if I went on a bit. Thanks for listening. I hope some people have found this helpful.

[MrsKellyPierce]

Azanti was thist the post you were telling me about? I am so sorry but know you always have a friend to talk to. You can call me anytime

[Azanti]

Yes, I think one dramatic post a year is enough for me.

Thank you so much for that.

[scorpion]

Very strong of you to take this up to discussion.
You have a big support from mee to.

[flabbybody]

It's amazing that you shared your thoughts and expierences with us. I hope you stay healthy and please post more than once a year.

[Azanti]

Thanks Flabby, I will respond to any questions or comments as best I can. (About this topic at least and not the war between various other posters)

[xschwingx2]

You are commended for your post-
Keep a Positive attitude as the mind
is the key to the body!
I hope this is not too personal but given all the misinforamtion regarding HIV transmission I
would like to ask how you acquired HIV-
Unsafe sex or needles-
Sorry to be specific but many schools of thought give sexual transmission a very low regard!
Thanks and best to you always!
Dano