I AM HIV POSITIVE

[Azanti]

TAKES A DEEP BREATH……..

Well it took me a long time to make this decision but once I have posted it, well there is no turning back….

I know that this is a sensitive issue and I am sure I am not the only person who is directly effected by it on here, but if talking about my experiences makes the debates that sometimes crop up in here about the subject, easier for some people to digest or discuss, that can only be a good thing. I hope that by telling such a personal story it will enlighten some people, perhaps educate others and give a greater understanding to what people can face in my situation. I am not interested in outing anyone else in this situation, it is a personal choice for me to tell you all about how it has affected my life and impacted on those around me.

I have been HIV positive for a few years now. I did not, as a general rule have unprotected sex, and I never took drugs of any kind back then, and I still don’t touch anything intravenous now. I had a negative test not long before I was diagnosed, and another a few months later, so I was able, with relative ease, to realise where and when I had contracted it. As I said, I was not one for taking risks but as I am sure we are all aware it can only take one mistake and I made one. For that I offer no excuses. I am fairly certain that the person that I contracted it from at the time did also not know that they were positive. I never blamed them, I took a risk that I and I alone was responsible for. It takes too two tango as it were.

I have had other relationships since I was diagnosed, two of them in fact were probably the best I have ever had in my life, both with GG. Both of them were positive. I had one relationship with a negative person, but I found this too difficult for me too pursue personally (Again with a GG) as I did not want to risk infecting them, and even using condoms, when your having fairly intense, and long sex, including Anal sense, well the risk factors are constant and I was always worried. She knew about my status and we were always careful but it was just too much for me. Now, I tend to only date positive people.

Dealing with this on a mental level has at times been very very trying. Most of my best friends know, with a couple of exceptions and their support has been invaluable, but the worse times can often be when one is staring at the walls late at night and sometimes it just seeps into your thoughts. You can’t really phone someone at 4am when there isn’t really anything new to tell them. So you deal with it as best you can or log onto Hung Angels and someone like Hotjuku Jelly or Allanah / Vikki will cheer you up with their witty and intelligent postings on a variety of subjects. I also attend and chair a couple of support groups which is very helpful and in the early days was a real life saver. My work in this area also enabled me to explore my sexuality and that’s how I ended up here.

When I first discovered I was positive, I really worked hard to try and improve my career prospects and focus on what was important to me. There was much making of ‘lists’ of things that I wanted to do which I would gradually tick off. The biggest impact has been in two ways, for me personally, one is that your energy levels are simply not consistent, and this can make working regular hours very hard, the second is the stigma and isolation one can feel. Support can sometimes come from very unexpected places, unfortunately so can hate and anger. Although attitudes towards the virus are (thank god) nothing like they were in the late 80s and early 90s for many they still haven’t changed.

I still find some peoples attitudes towards positive people or certain sections of the community grossly offensive. Even though I may not have been a drug abuser, sex worker or simply some kind of sex maniac that does not make anyone who suffers from this affliction a worse person than me. No one deserves it and everyone has a different story to tell. Aids effects one race of people, the human race. There is no distinction.

I sometimes wonder how much I would have changed had I not gone through this journey and if it had never come calling on my door. Would I still be the same person I am today? Would I be so understanding and tolerant? I am not sure. Who can say? But there is no doubt that this journey for me has had some positive (For want of a better word) ramifications, though of course there have been an equal number of negative ones that your forced to deal with.

One thing I often ask myself is, would I have dated a positive girl or TS before I was diagnosed. I would like to think I would have done, but of course I cannot answer that question with any degree of honesty because I was never faced with that situation then, and well, I never will be now. It is always easy to say you would do something for someone you love, when its hypothetical and you haven’t even met that person yet.

I am sure I have one thing in common with many people on here, and that is that I do not want to spend my life alone, that I hope to fall in love again one day, build something with someone for the future and create some great memories together, after all, when all is said and done, and we are laying in our beds, many years from now, about to shuffle off our mortal coils, when you look back, all that you will have in your life will be your memories. The more good ones you have the better.

I know some people use this site to just get their rocks off, and often serious discussions of this nature are not welcome. That’s okay. I like looking at the stunning pictures of all the girls as much as the next poster. I am after all, still human. But I took this decision to reach out, perhaps it will be a mistake? Who knows?

I welcome comments from people, or private messages. If anyone wants to open up to me in total confidence they should feel that they can do so.

My direct email is azanti0029@yahoo.co.uk

While it took some small degree of bravery to pluck up the balls to say all this, it takes much more to do so on public TV and I have several friends who have done that. Maybe one day I will have the courage to follow in their footsteps but they are much more braver than me. One step at a time.

Azanti x

[Ecstatic]

Sorry to hear about your status, but kudos for taking the step to notify people. Best wishes to you.

[lisaparadise]

my heart goes out to you and much respect thank you so much for sharing your life with us and keep your head up hun

[NYCe]

Sorry to hear about your status, but kudos for taking the step to notify people. Best wishes to you.

Ditto.

[Vicki Richter]

You know this is a tough topic and I respect you for bringing your story to light. I am HIV -, but I do take risks. I think most adult sex workers always have a secret inner fear every time they goto get a new test. With AIM, if I were ever to become positive, it would be a media event and it would be all over the Internet (and possibly the news) immediately. It's probably my deepest inner fear.

Then sometimes when I start to worry, I wonder "do I even want to live to be old"? Even more, I find that thinking of old age is very scary to me as a TS. My parents will be gone. My brothers and sisters (except one) have disowned me. I doubt I will have any true friends from today at that age. I always tend to date older guys so my husband or boyfriend would probably be dead. I find myself not worrying if my plane crashes (I've had a terrible fear of flying the past 10 years) when I am flying because I've lived a good life.

I don't want to relate HIV to death in any way. It seems a lot of people can live long healthy lives now. This is just something that I reflect on often since I do fuck up sexually from time to time. I think for people who are negative, the fear of getting it is pretty strong. As you commented, it only takes one fuck up, or one person who decides not to say something (or who doesn't even know). One strong fear I have with getting HIV is proving all the mainstream porn people right somehow about TS. There is still a big stigma that TS women are HIV factories. The fact that there are some of us working steadily, doing the testing thing, and being reliable has always been a nice way of sticking it to the man. If someone like me, Danielle, or Vaniity fucked up and got HIV - outted by AIM to the world, it would be a huge black eye for TS sex workers in the industry.

Anyway, I am just reflecting. I think it is a good topic and it's great that you are willing to discuss it.

V

[whatsupwithat]

Amen.

Thank you so much for your courage and your humility and your honesty.

Beyond that I am at a loss for words, but not compassionate sentiment and a whole bunch of love and support.

much peace.

[Quinn]

Azanti,

I'm not very good with words when it comes to this sort of thing, but let me start by telling you how truly sorry I am to read about your circumstances. I also wanted to thank you for showing the courage it took to share this with us. It couldn't have been easy. Know that our best wishes are with you.

Regards,
-Quinn

[MacShreach]

Big support here, Azanti. That took courage and integrity.

[Felicia Katt]

very brave and very noble. if you were here, I'd give you a big hug.

FK

[Alison Faraday]

Hello Azanti,

Good to hear from you. I won't deny that this has me asking questions, as well as establishing an understanding of where you are and what must be going through your mind. No one can criticise you. And I'm not saying that for the sake of saying it.

Would you be prepared to explain the circumstances under which you believe you were infected? I would be very interested to hear this, particularly so I may protect myself.

I offer no token sorrow or pity, just a genuine offering of wanting to understand and care. I do hope that life treats you well in the most part. I'm not sure television is necessary for recognition. You do sound as if you have it quite together. I think you're doing just fine on your own. Which is what so many things in life are about.

Admittedly this is written to help me understand in all sincere honesty. I hope this finds you well.

Alison