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[Aragon21]

Excellent question! One category not included is Exclusive & Swinging.

I chose Couple & Exclusive as that is my "preference," but I would not reject the option of "Exclusive & Swinging" while in a LTR, yet I would likely reject the other choices.

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.

A past and present example for myself:
In 1995, I went to Isreal for 2 mths for an archeological dig while staying on a kibbutz. I had every intention to enjoy the hell out of myself with every exotic girl I could find. What I found was a sweet girl from MN that was there for the same dig.
During the 2 mths we were together, we discussed the idea of swinging with another couple (of course this was very early on seen by both of us as a Summer fling so the relationship parameters were slightly different.) Well, I took this as the go-ahead and started talking to this guy from South Africa about he and I swapping for one night.
This was unacceptaple for appropriateness because I was talking to the guy without talking to my girl to see if she was interested in him. (Hell I knew I was interested in his girl and he in mine.) Needless to say she was not amused nor interested. Had I used a different approach...well who knows.

Presently, I am very attracted to a new girl! This being the initial stages of getting to know one another, I find it highly inappropriate to discuss this topic with her at this time.
Yes she is a TG. In all the things I have seen about her she is straight. But what that means exactly to her, I don't know. Of her past experiences, I only know of men.
All this said, I would like to work towards an exclusive relationship as my personal preference. But even without much time invested thus far, I am open to explore her desires.

Who knows were I or any potential partner will draw the line. I would say that if I were in SarahG's position:

it has been expressed that I must just sit in my room- out of sight, silent- and deal with being excluded.

That is beyond my acceptable line.

If a find myself in a relationship where my partner wants to bring home a new "toy" every weekend--No Thank You!
If she has a curiousity or wishes to experiment--I could deal with that.

But again my "preference" is an exclusive couple, but it is something I could compromise on with effective communication. To paraphrase Ms. Sinatra, "These lips were made for talking, and that's just what I'll do."

Any relationship requires effective communication, both listening to your partner's desires and expressing your own. IMO, most relationships that fail did so because one or both of the participants found they could not accept something in their partner or themself that was the "line" they could not cross or could not continue crossing, and more often then not, it is not about sex.

[Ecstatic]

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.

Thanks for the kudos, Aragon21, and my wife thanks you, too. To simplify my situation, it's more "Commited with Booty Calls" as we are totally commited to one another but open to booty calls. It's a balance: I get the occasional booty and she gets the Gilmore Girls and dark chocolate ice cream. (and she likes it like that!)

[Aragon21]

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.

Thanks for the kudos, Aragon21, and my wife thanks you, too. To simplify my situation, it's more "Commited with Booty Calls" as we are totally commited to one another but open to booty calls. It's a balance: I get the occasional booty and she gets the Gilmore Girls and dark chocolate ice cream. (and she likes it like that!)

You have also expressed the relationships you share with your lady friends.

And I realize I am presuming, but I imagine you and the wife have communicated the level of acceptable "Booty Calls." That is to say every nightl, two times a week, or some level that has been discussed either you or she would find it inappropriate and disrespectful for you to exceed.

[SarahG]

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[strawberry]

Your situation, however, has certain levels of toxicity to it. I'm not saying this to scold or judge you, just to point out my view of your reality.

^^ co-sign

I voted for monogamy for me. I think poly is cool in theory but it takes way more responsibility, emotional work, and openness to make it work because there are so many ways for any person to shrink from seeing and owning their emotions and following that up with ethical treatment of everyone around them. I know I'm not mature enough to handle it... plus, honestly, I like the idea of being in a relationship where I'd be jealous of him and he'd be jealous of me except our relationship is strong enough that the lack of trust necessary to jealousy doesn't exist. Passion and trust... it sounds like a pretty great deal to me, and monogamy is the simplest possible set up where that can happen :-)

I've read The Ethical Slut and have seen poly arrangements basically making it work... and, Sarah, your situation sounds pretty far from the theoretical ideal.

The husband here sounds like a weasel to me. What he's doing to his wife is pretty bad. What's he's doing to you is even worse (and him telling the truth isn't the issue - it's him not protecting you from emotional harm that's the problem - like you're a safe dumping ground for the truth and should just be watching out for yourself now that he's "been honest" - he's ignoring lots including that you're in his wife's home in part out of financial desperation rather than choice - it's not *your* home until you can throw his shit out on the street the day he stops treating you right and then run an ad on CL for housemates).

Personally, I'd pull the rip cord on the whole situation. I'd set up alternative living arrangements so I wasn't under their thumb... then I'd tell the wife what was up to her face (apologizing for my part in the lies and honestly wishing her the best), and then I'd leave and never look back... even if they apologize and ask for you back. (Total ego boost if they do, but don't bite :-P) The character of this couple (a weasel husband and a transphobic wife) is revealed by what they're putting you through and you deserve better.

Like the best thing would be to get out with your dignity and a lesson learned. But the thing that kills this plan is that you say you can't afford to live alone :-(

This one of those things my mom taught me when she realized she had a daughter and not a son... your dignity in relationships ultimately requires that you have "the power to leave" and that always requires money. They can have an orgy in front of you and if you can't walk out... then you grit your teeth and let that piece of your soul wither a little more.

Practical advice: You're a student? Go to student services on campus and talk to the ombuds office (its the "office that exists to give people advice on manipulating the school bureacracy" they exist to help special cases), lay out your story (trans, parents who don't support you, emotional disaster where you're living - tell them it's disrupting your studies) and ask them to help you find a solution. A super cheap or free dorm room maybe? Or emergency scholarships or loans? Hopefully their jaw will drop over your pluck and courage and they'll hook you up and two months from now you'll just be looking back on this as fodder for stories.

[SarahG]

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[Ecstatic]

You have also expressed the relationships you share with your lady friends.

And I realize I am presuming, but I imagine you and the wife have communicated the level of acceptable "Booty Calls." That is to say every nightl, two times a week, or some level that has been discussed either you or she would find it inappropriate and disrespectful for you to exceed.

In all seriousness, my need for booty calls is significantly less than any threshhold of acceptibility on her part; it averages out to about once a month, though that's sometimes 2x or 3x a month then 1 or 2 months with none. The only concern she has is that I play safe: so long as I don't take stupid risks and end up with an STD or HIV, she's fine. Oh, and so long as I don't break the bank visiting escorts, but that's a non-issue due to the frequency of my play-for-pay encounters.

Now falling in love with another woman would be another matter, but I already addressed that question. There are a few girls who I love as friends and would do most anything for, but that's the same as any really close friend. Were I single, I might fall for one of them (those who know me well know who I mean), but my heart's already given to my wife, and it would be unrequited anyway since the feeling wouldn't be reciprocal (she is a good friend, but that's all). Besides, she's at least 20 years too young for me.

For full disclosure, I'll add that my wife has had some health issues in recent years, particularly with bad knees (she had knee -- patella replacement -- surgery last month and will have the other knee done next year), and with a mild case of fibromyalgia, so she really doesn't feel motivated for sex at all, and I don't want to burden her with my needs. So for us, this works, and we're very happy with the situation. It won't work for all, and maybe only for a few, as all relationships are unique. I'm monogamous in the sense that my wife comes first, and I will in an instant "forsake all others" for her, no question. But I'm extremely fortunate in that I don't have to do so, and if she were so motivated, neither would she. I don't equate sex with love, though certainly the one accentuates the other.

[purplesmile]

reading this thread, is touching. Many different people sharing their thoughts and feelings, obviously taking some "serious" time to consider their responses to your situation, and share what works and doesn't work for them. People are looking out for you Sarah..

what Im about to say is very similar to previous posts, but it is important enough to take the time to post..

The husband has kept your more intimate relationship hidden from his wife. Whatever the reasons he has for being dishonest with her, and himself, he's telling a lie.

And the message this gives your esteem.. not what you think you should feel.. but the sense of "me" feeling good about me and my life.. is getting shat on, from a great height.

Stop supporting him in this lie, it ain't good for you.

You are worth more than this. FULL STOP.

[dreamer]

dude ---relationship??? ---a;; I want is a friend --a lover friend ----of course it takes time to learn ab out one another -----just be comfortable with me ---I am flexible ---I will be comfortable withn you ----of course there's a time of recon

[dreamer]

maybe if I wasn'tr drunk ---we culd be lovers