Does your wife know?

[Slither]

See this is all very interesting-
However Slither you are almost excusing yourself from "bad" behaviour...
your argument about the smoking & drinking is irrelevant i think because those are generally behaviours that effect your own body, life
(of course that is not absolute)


We humans have something called self control.
And I don't think all men are sex addicts, because a sex addict is compulsive and that is really a behavioural problem.

What I think is most interesting thing is the double standards of most people who cheat have (both men & women) and the fact about how so many people are comfortable living these lies.
i mean, if you are going to get married (or be involved with someone)
and you pledge not to cheat (which is a bunch of bull) then well
you should hold to that agreement. if you do not, then why do it?
why get married, why have a girlfriend? for the comfort? the convinience?

I am not an advocate of monogamy and I believe those who advocate it should really practice it otherwise you are just a hypocrite. But then our society is very comfortable with being hypocritical about certain issues-
sex being one of them.

I'm not excusing myself from doing it. I know its wrong, and I know I shouldn't have done it. EVERYONE who cheats knows its wrong, I mean I really cant see anyone saying "well i'm gonna go screw some other person, but my husband/wife probably wont care anyway". I dont think I'm a chronic cheater or anything, and I dont buy into the theory that "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I think I could be in a relationship without cheating.

Also,l You can't say "Why get married if you're just going to cheat on your spouse" because I don't think anyone goes into a marriage with the intention of being unfaithful. It's just something that happens over time.

[lurker]

Thanks to all for the interesting posts. Especially Ecstatic for sharing the story of you and your wife.

My wife and I love each very much. We came from similar background and have similar values. Neither of us are very religious, and we are almost exact opposites on politics.

I am now relieved that we shared our "dirty little secrets". I am no longer petrified of what she would do if she found out. And she knows that I am not passing judgement on her either. The thing is, we are both freaky perverts, we just have some tangents that go in different directions. And her not knowing is what made her believe she couldn't tell me. And I already knew about hers, I just needed for her to say it. And then be honest about whichever fantasies she wanted fulfilled. iOf the few shreds of my religious backgrounds remaining the biggest is the honesty thing. And now we can have that together even more than before.

The other shred is the one causing me to have the self-hatred thing. As noted by others, many of us do ask ourselves "does this make me gay?" For me i choose not to answer the question. What does it matter, I am who I am, i just don't need everyone to know. Hell, i don't even want everyone to know what i do with women, much less what i fantasize about womin. And whatever judgements i pass on myself are my own cross to bare, so to speak.

--lurker

[lurker]

Toro,

yeah, some of the stuff you mentioned would freak me out. But if I opened the door I would have to deal with whatever came out. I already had a pretty good idea what to expect though.

the biggest thing in our case is that we did not plan an "open" marriage that Ecstatic enjoys. so whatever the fantasy or fetish there just couldn't be any fulfillment of it without sharing that plan and fantasy. In the case of some of the things you mentioned, we would have had to arrange the policy others live by... play safe, enjoy, and be discrete. but don't tell me, and i won't ask.

--lurker

[Bluejay]

There's no point in living a lie...

My story:

I split from my ex-wife 7 years ago(who I get on with reasonable well) and by chance she came across some of my old video collection, which included a couple of shemale video's.

She started to make some jokes along the line that i was a closet cross dresser.

I put her straight and told her that I had an active interest in t-girls and that I had a t-girlfriend who I was in love with.

I told my kids and all of my friends that have been close to me..

My kids were happy for me and we've built stronger relationshps, they get on very well with my girlfriend. they both come over most weekends and we chill, in a normal sort of way. My daughter is close with my girlfriend and my son has a shared passion of computers and games with my girlfriend.

Sometimes we go clubbin with my daughter & occassionally we gone to T clubs, mainly to show her that there is a bigger world out there than what people might otherwise tell her.

It took me 5 yrs to get my ex-wife to meet my girlfriend, but i persisted mainly to stop any preconcieved ideas that i was dating a hairy man with stubble who liked dressing up in womens clothes and for her to see that my girlfriend was a real girl.

My girlfriends parents and family are extremely supportive as well.

I am very proud of my girlfriend and love her for who she is. I am more than happy to been seen with her day and night, I'm not interested in what anybody else thinks about my relationship.

Like most couples we have our ups and downs, but underlying we are a very strong unit and each others best friend.

[Ecstatic]

Nice post, lurker. One thing I want to make clear: by "open marriage" I don't just mean a marriage where anything goes and we are both free to do whatever we want with whomever we want. There's a strong element of that definition of open marriage, to be sure, but it was more a committment to one another to always be truthful, open, and trusting of one another: not to always tell all the truth--sometimes I get carried away in describing my time with my TG friends (and I don't just mean the sexual details, which she doesn't want to know those any more than she wants to see Victoria Secret commercials, which she despises), when it dawns on me (usually pretty quickly) that she really doesn't want to know all about our time together. Yet she does care; one girl I've known for a while was going through a rough patch and my wife was very supportive, asked about her, asked me to give her her best wishes (which I did, and my friend was very appreciative; my friend likewise always asks how my wife is doing).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we are open with one another: trusting, not secretive (but not prying or over-informing out of a sense of guilt or anything), truthful, free to be who we are on our own terms but sensitive to one another's needs and wishes as well. That sexual freedom is part of that is wonderful, and I love my wife for it; as a sexually active bi male, I was kind of bottling that up for years until I decided to investigate my lust for TGs, and such a release to let it go. Man, if I had waited another ten years, I'd've been 60....

BTW, lurker, I never had to ask the question "does this make me gay?" As a bi male, that certainly was never an issue for me. Well, ok, I don't broadcast it, and there are members of my family who would freak if I told them, so why rock their boat?

Hey Bluejay, sounds like you made the right move and found yourself a wonderful girl and companion. Good on you! One thing you didn't mention: how did your ex finally react upon meeting your girlfriend?

[Bluejay]

Well my girlfriend and I moved apartments and decided to have a "house warming" party, to which i invited my ex.

My ex was pleasent and they ended up chatting about the only thing they had in common - me!

They have since met a couple of times at parties and we've been invited around on Christmas day.

However, I believe there's alot of girl on girl jealously going on from my ex's point of view, which is understandable considering the 27 years age gap between them.

[NYCe]

to quote bill mahr:

men are as loyal as their options!!!

[Ecstatic]

Hey Bluejay, considering how badly most marriages end, it sounds like you've done alright. Cool.

[Bluejay]

Ecstatic,

I can honestly say that I'm a very happy man, both on the outside and the inside.

My girlfriend is going to join the forum early next year,then your see why!

Who knows we might come across the pond in '05 for Allahah's parties.

[djbj_2_2_69]

well i have a story that didn't end very well.
I had been going out with my girlfriend for just over 4 years at the time she found my "stash". we had been through alot together and i had tip-toed around the idea of telling her about my love of t-gurls, but never did for fear of what she would think, and even more about "outting" me to friends and family. When she found it she didn't take it very well. she never yelled at me, just cried alot and just didn't understand why i did what i did. i never once cheated on her w/ a ts or gg. it wasn't long after this that she broke up with me. it was a devistating thing and i miss her to this day, but i continue watching TS porn and even hung out with a few escorts, although i never had sex with any of them. (not that i didn't want to).
my ex never told anyone else (that i know of) as it has never come up. i have no idea what would have happend if i was honest about it and had a chance to explain myself before she stumbled across it. maybe she would have been more understanding.
i angrily justified it becuase i know for a fact that she had some skeliton's in her closet that when ever she would try to talk about it, she would cry uncontrolibly. i just assume we all have secrets and this is mine. and i choose to keep it that way.
i have sort of started a new relationship and have no idea what i will do. maybe throw out the dvd's and just do the internet thing? i dunno.
i guess i'll figure it out when it's time to cross that bridge.