Does your wife know?

[lurker]

I've seen many posts here from men married to women, and I am curious as how many of you have told your wife of your... interests in the gurls? Or maybe your wife found out by other means, but how do they feel about it?

My story....
Recently my wife (4yrs) and I went through what was a very traumatic experience. To get through it we had to work on building trust. To get her to open up to me about painful times in her life, I had to tell mine. And before I could shut my big ass mouth I ended up telling her why I really had a second user account on the computer. And even so far as to click to some of my favorite websites and show exactly what I was into. She seems OK with it because it , and I explained that it is just a fantasy life for me. But I find that I still can't really share it with her. She also told me about her bad experiences and this honesty has helped us to understand each other better.

--lurker

[phungu2]

I dont want to be a blowhead, but some things are better left private.

if you guys ever split, her whole family will find out your secret, your whole family, all her friends, etc etc etc. (hell hath no fury...)

why volunteer a a huge potential problem for yourself?

just my cynical 2 cents.

[Elpachio]

I know what you mean. I'm very honest with my girlfriend. It's funny, my interest in gurls is something I would never tell my family or even my best mate, because they just wouldn't get it.
But I have told my girlfriend, because we're solid, have been together for 7 years and I'm open about my sexual experiences. I told her I'd been with a couple of gurls in my time and she was cool with it - i showed her their pictures and we even got to a point where she said she'd consider a threesome with a gurl. I think it helps that my girlfriend is open about her sexuality, i.e. she told me that she's been with girls before in her youth.
So she knows about my fascination and has even watched one or two of my movies with gurls in.

I think it's different with your family and friends, but when it's somebody that you love deeply and have a solid relationship with, you should be able to be totally honest with them.

Maybe it's an age thing too....i dont know. I'm 25.

[popperluv]

Every woman is different . I tried to tell but half way through my story she was already freaking out.
Im not going there. I wish she was more open so I could be more open.

[lurker]

Yeah, I agree it is a whole can of worms that would be better kept sealed. But I do really love her. And I don't want to lose her. She opened up to me about some things she was deeply ashamed of and would never want to have told, as well as some fantasies of her own. And it was her shame and fears and inability to talk to me about them that almost cost us our relationship.

At the time that I told this little secret of mine I was just trying to get her to see that everyone has secrets, but we have to be honest or we will both lose. That part of the story jumped out before I could catch it.

If we ever split I will be devastated. None of her family lives nearby, so I won't have to suffer their judgement. But most of my family is close by. And this is something they would never understand (as far as I know). But hopefully by taking the lead and putting this trust in her she will know how much I love her. But i am scared shitless that it might ever get to anyone else!

--lurker

[canihavu]

I dont want to be a blowhead, but some things are better left private.

if you guys ever split, her whole family will find out your secret, your whole family, all her friends, etc etc etc. (hell hath no fury...)

why volunteer a a huge potential problem for yourself?

just my cynical 2 cents.

I agree with you 100%

[Toro]

This is a complicated question...but I think you could make a basic assumption. Most women want a man who walks, talks and behaves like a man. I know that's traditional and conservative, but that's the majority. And while both are dangerous, telling your girl that you fantasize about women with dicks is a lot tougher (and less manly) than telling her you fantasize about banging her two former college roommates on the roof of her grandmother's house.

So now, you have to try to put yourself in your girl's shoes - what type of sexual activity could she come and surprise you with that would put you in the position of having to make a decision about the future of your relationship? And that will be different for everyone. Imagine if you are a little possessive, and your woman told you she has fantasies of being gangbanged by a group of young men, or that she has rape fantasies? Or imagine if your wife was into pain/torture sex, or that she fantasized about getting shit on? Or what if she told you she had the family dog lick peanut butter from her clam on a regular basis (you laugh, but I knew a girl who did that in high school...lol...if she was doing the 'tell all/say all' thing, what do you think her man would say about that)?

Would you tell her - 'that's fine, as long as you only masturbate about it'? would you let her play out her fantasies with/without you? Would you get excited about it? Could one of those things I mentioned above be enough to freak you out and make you look at her a different way, maybe end the relationship?

There are a lot of other things to consider, like age/generation, length of relationship, what type of relationship it is, how religious she is lol, etc., but I think you just have to put yourself in your woman's shoes and ask yourself how you'd react to a total shocker.

PS - then get ready for 'so have you cheated on me with a shemale?!'

[Slither]

well, my ex-wife found out about it by receiving a phone call on my cell phone from an angry T-Girl who i had been seeing on the side, and then I stopped seeing her, so she called to berate me pretty much. wel my wife had the phone and heard the whole story. That was a contributing factor to our divorce, although we would have split without that, because she's a fucked up individual.

[Ecstatic]

As some here may know, I've posted about this before. It's an interesting and complex question (well, maybe not for some). I totally agree that it depends in large measure upon the quality and depth/duration of your relationship. My wife and I are commited to total honesty--however, that does NOT mean that we tell each other all; neither of us would want that. But it does mean that we're honest and open about anything that does come up. So here's my story:

We've been together for 30 years, and married for 23. There is no one I'd rather spend my life with, and I don't say that lightly. When we got married, we wrote our own vows and deliberately left out anything like "forsaking all others": not to give ourselves license to cheat, but because it cut against our grain (ok, so we were hippies and all that). When we met, my wife-to-be knew I was bisexual; in fact, I was in the only real gay relationship I've ever had, with a guy I had known for over a year and who I saw occasionally. We really enjoyed one another's company, and I loved the sex, but I was never remotely in love with the guy; just felt great to be with him over time. Well, my wife-to-be broke me out of that in no time; I fell for her in a big way (which has only happened maybe three other times in my life).

Fast forward to the 80s, when we got married and AIDS broke loose: I cut my gay contacts back to next-to-nothing. Now I'm the sort of bisexual who loves sex with men and women, but I've never been attracted to men as partners or in any real emotional way beyond friendship, but it was still a loss. At the same time, my interest in shemales grew, from early photos of Sulka and Carnal Candy to the Grooby girls and all. Finally, at age 50, I decided 'it's now or never - if I don't try being with a tgirl now, I never will.' So I started perusing Eros, found a lovely girl (who I became friends with and have continued to see now for over two years), called her up, and was off and running with my first ever Tgirl experience. However, at this pass I had not said anything to my wife: I figured I'd try it first, and see what developed.

Needless to say, it was TOTALLY different to any gay sex I had ever hand. Sure, she had a nice cock, but she was totally feminine and completely blew me away--the best orgasm I had had in 20 years. I was sold and knew I wanted more.

Well, that very night I came home and found my wife reviewing the phone calls which had come in. She has an interesting habit: she doesn't just listen to those who left messages, she also scans the incoming numbers to see who called without leaving a message. There was a number from CA. She looked at me and said, innocently enough, "Who called from San Francisco?" Well, it would have been easy to dodge with "someone at work" since my bosses have their corporate offices in SF, but here's where the honesty comes in: she asked, and I answered her honestly. The girl I had gone to see had called after I left and, being discrete, did not leave a message--but there was her cell phone number.

I told her all about the girl, how I had "met" her online (ok, no need to detail looking at eros.com etc., and she wouldn't want to know that part) and when I learned that she had come to Boston, decided to see her. It helped that my wife has always known that I'm bi, and that I'd given up that pleasure, and it also helped (in an odd way) that she has no interest in sex herself (she never has; I knew that going in; it's frustrating but I love her too much to walk away because she doesn't dig sex). She couldn't see denying me the pleasure, and so long as I play safe, she's perfectly content with it (in fact, she likes the fact that I have another outlet for sex now). She knows I'm not in love with anyone else, and she knows that there are two girls I see from time to time and even asks about how they're doing and all.

One other note: someone posted that it would be harder for your woman to accept your interest in a tg than in a gg, but one of the girls I see has suggested to me that my wife feels less threatened because she's not a gg, and there's logic there as well.

[Jamie Michelle]

I dont want to be a blowhead, but some things are better left private.

if you guys ever split, her whole family will find out your secret, your whole family, all her friends, etc etc etc. (hell hath no fury...)

why volunteer a a huge potential problem for yourself?

just my cynical 2 cents.

I agree with you 100%

That's utter nonsense. The best way to live life is with no skeletons in the closet, and then you don't have to worry about someone using your hidden life against you--since you won't be hiding anything, and hence no hidden life of which could be used against you.

People pick up on your leadership cues. If you act like something is a deep, dark, awful secret then people will pick up on your shame, but if you are unapologetic and frank then people will see that it's not something which they can use to shame you.

Plus, male sexual interest in feminine males is a lot more mainstream than you might think, it's just that most guys won't talk about it while acting like it doesn't apply to them. Take masturbation for example, around 99% of guys masturbate but they usually won't talk about it, and it used to be not too long ago that they wouldn't even admit to doing it.

But for an example even closer to this forum's subject, take the movie star Eddie Murphy as just one example. He's sucked the cocks of an untold number of male-to-female transvestites and transsexuals going back to the early 1980s, but it was only when he was pulled over by the police in 1997 with the transsexual prostitute Shalimar (a.k.a. Atisone Kenneth Seiuli) that his hidden life came out, and he lied his ass off and acted as if he'd never been with a genetic male even once in his life. And what made it even worse for him was that he had been cheating on his wife with all his sexual escapades with male-to-female transgenderists. In many ways Eddie Murphy helped to create this situation himself, and deserved what he got, as he often used homosexuals and and homosexuality as the butt of his jokes in his stand-up comedy routines. But there are an untold number of self-proclaimed "perfectly straight" guys out there just like Eddie Murphy, i.e., they act as they would never so much as think about sexually being with another genetic male, and they put down homosexuality, when really they're every bit as turned on by feminine males as the people who post here.

But it's best to start living your life with no skeletons in the closet sooner rather than later, because the longer you keep those skeletons with you the deeper the hole of secrecy you dig for yourself, and you make it harder on yourself to eventually be honest with people.