Bad Sex Writing Awards 2018

[Stavros]

Every year the Literary Review selects from new novels the scenes which it judges to be examples of “the most egregious passage of sexual description in a work of fiction”. There is a link to the article with extracts from the candidates, but these two from the same source occasioned much laughter-

“I yearned again for the cogs of her Iron Maiden to grind my glans around inside her like an opera singer with a mouth lozenge.”

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her"
(Scoundrels, "Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan”),

https://www.theguardian.com/books/20...-bad-sex-award

https://www.theguardian.com/books/20...ders-in-quotes

[Laphroaig]

Need Sarah Millican to read them out...