No Where To Go

[sadman]

When I was 9 years old (1977) I found a porn magazine of my dad's that had a transsexual as its centerfold. When I saw it, I immediately felt light headed and a desire I had never known I could feel. I liked women, and had lots of relationships with cheerleaders, beauty queens, prom queens and various other beautiful women. But I always knew I loved, unconditionally, transsexual women. I went to college and law school in the most conservative and repressive part of the country, during the Reagan years no less. I studied more about where to find ts girls than my coursework, and decided to take a job in NYC in 1993. I was married and moved to NYC with my wife. But, I managed to have trips "out of town" where I would spend days in a hotel near Edelweiss, Sally's Hideaway and Lucky Cheng's. I never felt more comfortable than surrounded by beautiful trans women; it was intoxicating. My greatest regret in life is that I never had the courage to pursue a public relationship with any of the awesome women I met during those years. It makes me sad and sick.

I am now 50, and still full of regret. The number of ts girls has exploded and acceptance of all types of gender identities has become commonplace. I feel jealous, angry and self-pity. I fucked-up and will probably never have the relationship I dreamed of when I was 9yo.

I don't really know why I wrote this, other than to get it off my chest. Thank you.

[Fitzcarraldo]

Why not start now?

[sadman]

Because I am in a relationship with a woman I have loved for 40 years. She looks 15 years younger than she is, is beautiful and smart. She does not, however, have a cock. It seems so superficial, but I cannot get this out of my head, and it is killing me.

[gaysian71]

It's never too late to have a relationship. Go for it. There are so many beautiful trans women out there looking for a good guy.

[sadman]

I have had relationships with a number of ts angels. 3 of them have passed away, and I have a job that has traditionally prohibited me from having an alt relationship. I would never try to hide the fact that my SO is a ts. If I were in high school now, I would be first in line to date or befriend any ts girl. I was a star athlete (QB, track, basketball) and the valedictorian of my class. I was also at the top of my class at a prestigious private college. I had everything. Except one thing.

[Fitzcarraldo]

Because I am in a relationship with a woman I have loved for 40 years. She looks 15 years younger than she is, is beautiful and smart. She does not, however, have a cock. It seems so superficial, but I cannot get this out of my head, and it is killing me.

Well, if you truly love her, it's best to keep the fantasy a fantasy (and also never to mention it to her).

[sadman]

That is why I am dying a thousand deaths a day. You know, the "quiet desperation" thing...

[tsluvus]

Feel your pain... I am also in my early 50's
We only have 1 life to live - people always seem to forget that.

Sometimes you need to do something - inner peace, happiness... Whatever.

Live your life your own way

[sadman]

And my real point is I wish I could have helped more gender dysphoric/trans/questioning kids when I was growing up in the heartland of racist, homophobic assholio USA. I was the epitome of a "good kid" - athlete, straight A's, artsy - but I didn't know what to do. If I could have dated just one ts kid, I would have made a big difference. But I didn't. And I just sit here in the dark with my fabulous dog watching AGT....

[african1]

...my greatest regret in life is that I never had the courage to pursue a public relationship with any of the awesome women I met during those years. It makes me sad and sick.

Trust me when I tell you they are not that awesome. The good looking ones know it and try to capitalize on it. They are mainly after your wallet.

Besides feel lucky you avoided that kind of sex in the 80s where GRID was prevalent.

I used to have much respect and empathy towards them, nonetheless the few experiences I ventured in have infelicitously totally and irreversibly change my mind.