No, I Don't Have To Tell You I'm Trans Before Dating You

[trish]

I had a friend in college who was infertile due to developmental disorder. She was very pretty, sexually active and, as many girls her age, was looking for Mr. Right. Did she immediately tell every man she went out on a date with about her issue? Of course not. Is there any point if it becomes clear the relationship won’t make it past two or three dates? The question for her was, how serious could she allow the relationship to go before she informed the man of her condition?

I always felt a special empathy for her because my situation was not dissimilar to hers. Suppose a man is interested in you. He strikes up a conversation. You find you have similar interests. You can easily rift and opine on each others stories. You find you are attracted to each. So after an hour or so the man says, “Would you like to have diner this evening?” How do you respond? “Sure but you should know I’m transgender,”? This was at a time in my life when passing was everything. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to reveal to every stranger my more intimate secrets; and although we got along and liked each other for the last hour this man is still a stranger - at this stage could I trust him to keep the things I tell him about myself to himself? Of course not.

Of course I have a dick and my friend has a vagina. She could probably have married a guy without him knowing about her condition. That (imo) would’ve been unethical. (She didn’t btw). A transgender woman with vaginoplasty could perhaps do the same - again unethical. There’s a point when you need to tell, but when?
For me the question wasn’t about marriage or children. It was just about sex. It would be pretty rude of me spring my boner on a unsuspecting guy two minutes before we about to tumble into the sack. The question is still, “How serious do I let the relationship get before I tell him?” The answer is probably before we have sex, but how do I know when that’s going to happen - nobody sets a date for that. So sometimes accidents happen. Rarely for me, but were times when it was just to late and the moment arrived. Once the guy was very polite, made his excuses, apologized and left. Once the guy screamed at me, and punched me the stomach.

There was another time when I got cut. I told this story in a thread on HA ages ago. I was out with some girlfriends one evening we decided to go a bar - there was only one and it was a dive. We all got a bit tipsy and some guys came over to our table to chat us up. There was a juke box and they wanted to dance. I saw no harm in that. However, my partner turned out to be an octopus. I kept pulling his hands off me. “This is definitely going the last dance,” I thought when suddenly I felt his hand grab me where only reality-tv-hosts get to grab. At first we were both in shock. Then he started shouting to the whole joint that I was a man. Before I knew it he had knife in his hand and arm had been opened up (required stitches but nothing serious). The bouncer and the bartender intervened and my friends got me out of there. So are you obligated to tell someone you're transgender before accepting a dance? Of course not.

People have got to learn to be civil even as we all have to be wary that some people are just unreasonable, ignorant jerks.

The targets of violence are not responsible for the violence done to them. It is not our duty to deflect it by adding even more tedium to our lives. “Is my dress too provocative?” “Should I tell I’m transgender before he buys me that coffee?” Those of us who claim we live in a civilized society have a duty to support civilized norms. We can start by blaming the perpetrators of violence and not the people they violate.

[Aticus100]

The subject of when to tell is very tricky.
I go out clubbing very often with a group of trans friends including my partner. We are into swinging and it is not uncommon for the girls to hook up with guys while clubbing for some fun.
Guys come over and start chatting and dancing with the girls and if they get particularly clingy then the girls come over to me and make it clear we are a group. I can then instigate a conversation with the guy and let him know the situation.

Interestingly about a third of guys say thanks for telling me but it's not for me and clear off sharpish. About a third are amazed, say it's not for them but still want to dance and buy the girls drinks, get there pics taken with them etc. The remaining third are are fine with it and are up for fun. I was amazed how many young guys are cool with it.
We have only ever had a couple of bad reactions from guys who kicked off at being told and I put that down to their own insecurities.

[spankrod]

I'm not a fan of violence against anybody, really, but it always comes down to what that ol' dapper Nietzsche wrote - something along the lines of, "Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

Interpret that how you wish (and in no way am I calling transsexuals "monsters"), but I like to think that among everything else, maybe he was simply talking about the nature of chaos. There are seven billion people inhabiting this planet, retroboy. And every single one is different. Now laws state that it's illegal (and, of course, immoral) to maim and/or kill a person because one feels "tricked", but there are simply some people who share this planet with us, whose thought-process takes into account neither law, morals, ethics or even logic. People whose proverbial engines run purely on the nature of the self, and how actions and reactions apply to them. That's simply the nature of chaos.

If it's your wish to continue "gazing into the abyss" and testing your luck when encountering such individuals that you have not told of your secret, then know that in no way am I judging you for it. Just remember that the abyss also gazes back.

[IluvemHung]

You can keep playing around if you want... just keep on gambling I guess the pay off is worth it!

[natina]

I kill them!

Oh and recording people who anonymously dare transsexuals is Wire Tapping a crime that Eva a transsexual and a few others learned about the hard way.

[HungAndy]

Look I'm a guy and I like chicks. If I like a chick I shouldn't care if she has pussy, dick, or both. Some guys need to step up and be men - if someone going to start shit with you for dating a transsexual you should knock him out and stand up for your girl.

Trish that sounds scary. I know girls who have had things like that happen too (trans girls). It doesn't make a difference when you tell them - some guys are assholes and they get angry that they are attracted to trans girls. They should be teaching in schools that trans is normal as gay or straight. One day it could be safe to be a trans girl.

[Billy Blueballs]

I had a friend in college who was infertile due to developmental disorder. She was very pretty, sexually active and, as many girls her age, was looking for Mr. Right. Did she immediately tell every man she went out on a date with about her issue? Of course not. Is there any point if it becomes clear the relationship won’t make it past two or three dates? The question for her was, how serious could she allow the relationship to go before she informed the man of her condition?

I always felt a special empathy for her because my situation was not dissimilar to hers. Suppose a man is interested in you. He strikes up a conversation. You find you have similar interests. You can easily rift and opine on each others stories. You find you are attracted to each. So after an hour or so the man says, “Would you like to have diner this evening?” How do you respond? “Sure but you should know I’m transgender,”? This was at a time in my life when passing was everything. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to reveal to every stranger my more intimate secrets; and although we got along and liked each other for the last hour this man is still a stranger - at this stage could I trust him to keep the things I tell him about myself to himself? Of course not.

Of course I have a dick and my friend has a vagina. She could probably have married a guy without him knowing about her condition. That (imo) would’ve been unethical. (She didn’t btw). A transgender woman with vaginoplasty could perhaps do the same - again unethical. There’s a point when you need to tell, but when?
For me the question wasn’t about marriage or children. It was just about sex. It would be pretty rude of me spring my boner on a unsuspecting guy two minutes before we about to tumble into the sack. The question is still, “How serious do I let the relationship get before I tell him?” The answer is probably before we have sex, but how do I know when that’s going to happen - nobody sets a date for that. So sometimes accidents happen. Rarely for me, but were times when it was just to late and the moment arrived. Once the guy was very polite, made his excuses, apologized and left. Once the guy screamed at me, and punched me the stomach.

There was another time when I got cut. I told this story in a thread on HA ages ago. I was out with some girlfriends one evening we decided to go a bar - there was only one and it was a dive. We all got a bit tipsy and some guys came over to our table to chat us up. There was a juke box and they wanted to dance. I saw no harm in that. However, my partner turned out to be an octopus. I kept pulling his hands off me. “This is definitely going the last dance,” I thought when suddenly I felt his hand grab me where only reality-tv-hosts get to grab. At first we were both in shock. Then he started shouting to the whole joint that I was a man. Before I knew it he had knife in his hand and arm had been opened up (required stitches but nothing serious). The bouncer and the bartender intervened and my friends got me out of there. So are you obligated to tell someone you're transgender before accepting a dance? Of course not.

People have got to learn to be civil even as we all have to be wary that some people are just unreasonable, ignorant jerks.

The targets of violence are not responsible for the violence done to them. It is not our duty to deflect it by adding even more tedium to our lives. “Is my dress too provocative?” “Should I tell I’m transgender before he buys me that coffee?” Those of us who claim we live in a civilized society have a duty to support civilized norms. We can start by blaming the perpetrators of violence and not the people they violate.

That's an all too common and awful story. The first TS (actually intersex) person I ever met had been cut from the stomach up (and had the scar to prove it). I do suspect that most of these guys that are "shocked" know exactly what is going on, but the cultural shame is what makes them snap. There is of course a recent acceptance of "passable" transgenders (a superficial bias if you will) and it seems that millennials might be able to enjoy an acceptance that some of us will never know.

[natina]

Religious beliefs make them snap, cultural norms,disgust, violation of trust and so much more..

[UserLunatic]

Yes it's a duty to tell. The perfect example was given before: it's the equivalent of a person saying "I do not have to tell you i am married before dating you."

[natina]