Three Days With "Philly's Finest": Conclusion
I woke early the next morning, Pam still sound asleep on the couch as I wracked my brain to collect what little culinary knowledge I had to make something resembling breakfast, thinking that would be a pleasant surprise. A half hour later, as Pam sat there silently, staring off into space, I began to realize there was something very wrong, but ignored it, convincing myself she just wasn't fully awake yet, and that I was reading more into things than was there. However, my self-delusion wasn't to last very long. I attempted to engage her in conversation for a few minutes, but Pam didn't respond, continuing to stare at the floor vacantly as I shrugged off her disinterest and proceeded to ramble on. Suddenly, she slapped her hands on the table, bringing my babbling to an immediate stop, followed quickly thereafter by my hope that the situation between us had changed for the better.
"I don't...", Pam began, pausing a moment as her voice cracked and her eyes began to well up with tears. "I don't want... a relationship with you." As her words began to slowly sink into my head, it felt like time came to an abrupt standstilll, and as I experienced any number of conflicting emotions simultaneously, I sat there frozen, unable to speak. She went on, apologizing for my hurt feelings and saying she would never forgive herself, wiping away tears as she simultaneously stroked my hand. As I recall, soon afterward she came around to my side of the table, laying her head on top of mine and hugging me, as she continued to cry. By this time, however, I had concluded that I was indeed furious, and as a sudden wave of anger washed over me, I rose to my feet, tossing the table aside as I did. Pam backed away immediately, begging me to calm down, but as the sound of my own heartbeat pounded increasingly louder and faster in my ears, for the first and only time to date in my entire life, I didn't trust myself, and warned her to get away from me.
Ultimately, I wound up paying over six thousand dollars to repair the damage I did to the apartment and to replace the personal property I destroyed, and while I'm skipping ahead a good bit here, you'll have to excuse me for not wanting to get into this particular experience in my life more deeply. Anyway, when I had concluded my impromptu rampage and realized fully what I had done, I fell to the living room floor physically and emotionally exhausted, and lay there for some time before the police came knocking at the door. Pam answered, explaining that she had been moving furniture or some such, and looking back on things now, I realize just how much worse it could have gone. In any event, as I lay there wishing that I had never met her, Pam came and lay on the floor beside me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing her forehead against mine, staring into my eyes silently. And so it was for what seemed like hours, that we lay there quietly, me not knowing what to say and her already having said it all. Later, she explained that she had been attracted to me for some time, but hadn't wanted to do anything about her feelings for fear of ruining our friendship, which had now irreparably destroyed due to our mutual attraction having gotten the better of us. I had told Pam over the course of the previous two days that I loved her, that I wanted to be with her, that I had always loved her and always wanted to be with her... and now it was clear that it had all been for nothing. Despite the fact that we were both attracted to each other, it wasn't meant for us to be anything more than friends, but with that line having been crossed, we couldn't go back to where we were. Taking her head into my hands, I kissed her passionately, and as she moved in closer to me, I rolled onto my back, pulling her on top of me. If I could have, I would have frozen that moment in time so that it never ended, but of course, I couldn't, and inevitably it did. I'll never know why Pam didn't tell the police what had really happened, why she never went off on me over the mess I made of her place, or why she didn't pull away as I once again, for the last time, stepped over the line that friends should never cross and kissed her as if we had something more. At that moment though, none of those things could have been farther from my mind, and convinced there was nothing left to lose, I tried desperately to work Pam into a frenzy, but for the first time since this had all began, she showed restraint, telling me that while she "wanted to", she wouldn't, as she got up and went to her room to make a phone call.
Around 6pm, having said particularly lengthy goodbyes, I threw my stuff in the car as Pam watched from her doorway. She told me that she had called her roommate "Gladys" earlier and explained what happened, but I doubt that what she said was anything close to the truth, as I continue to see "Gladys" to this very day, and she's never once questioned me about what went down (fortunately!). Giving her a kiss on the cheek as I went to the car, I had told Pam to send me a bill for the damages, and a week or so later, she did, including a handwritten note itemizing the cost of replacing or repairing her microwave, coffee maker, television, stereo, and various CDs and vinyl records, among other things. Afterward, there was no further communication between us, just as I had expected.
While I originally intended to finish this story with alot more details on what happened on the last day I spent with "Philly's Finest", what you have here is what I've decided I feel comfortable putting out there, for my own personal reasons. Those of you who have read this far hoping to come across an exciting sexual escapade will be disappointed, as there is none, because there was none (though not for lack of effort on my part, I can assure you). For those of you who simply wanted to know how things ended, now you know... Well, as much as you really need to anyway. I guess I should add that I saw "Pam" once last year, but we didn't speak on that occasion or even acknowledge each other, though I found out a few months later from "Gladys" that she was still living in Philadelphia, rooming with a boyfriend. And so, that is how my relationship with "Philly's Finest" ended, reinforcing the issues I already had regarding investing emotionally in personal relationships. But that isn't what this story is about...
A Friendly Mistake Oct. 3, 2005
Outside a store on South Street, by a pizza shop
I met a girl sucking a sour apple lollipop.
While we were friends, she stole my heart
Yet things went oh so fine
Until at last, just like an ass, I tried to make her mine...
:banghead