The psych. said " Get out of My office you Pervert"
On most other boards there is a place where one introduces them self. This seems like a good place for a post like this.
I turned 26 in July of this year. I have been retransitioned for only two months now. Wait retransition. Why would anyone ever need to detrasition? My first attempt at transition faced a real uphill fight. No supportive parent, no sympathetic psych to tell them I was not cuckoo. Me against the world baby! The world won that battle.
I started hormones at 13. Like most I had been a femine boy but I did not think that meant anything untill a day at the village fair. I saw a girl who was a couple years older who I played with there. She was with her boyfriend. I said to her I want to have a boyfriend like yours and be a girl like you when I am your age. She just gave me a wierd look. Never talked to me again.
By 14 basically looked like a gril to those who did not know me. Those who did were like well what'd we expet from H_____? I never declared that I was female though I knew bad things would happen if I did. For my behavior I was rewarded with being labeld as a Behavioral disorder, put in special ed and excused from P.E. class. I blogged about this on a geocities webpage. I made a few friends online through that page. Due to family problems me my father and my sister moved to L.A. CA for a while. I lived in the valley. This was 1996. I hated it there. My ways got me thrown out of my aunts house a few times. Usually I just walked the streets of the valley. One time I tried to walk back to Chicago, got as far as plamdale before turning back. I made my point and was sent back to Chicago that July.
Then one day at 17 (1998) I made the mistake of telling a teacher I trusted my plans to transition as soon as I graduated. I was committed to a institution for 30 days for "depression" soon after. They diagnosed "borderline personality disorder" and sent me back to school. They then trumped up criminal charges against me serious enough to keep me out of school until graduation. I was arrested on prom night. I guess they wanted to be sure a tranny did not show up to the prom in a dress with her date. My BF at the time was a consummate athlete. A big handsome mountain of raw chiseled manhood. He was on our "wall of fame".
That run in with the law saw me this ambiguous looking young man locked in jail for 30 days. I was kept in the mental ward for my safety. I tried to act like a man (slap!) for a while, not wanting to get raped and all. Then I was put on trial and all but one charge was dropped this charge got me on probation for two years. I could not leave IL or get arrested or I would go to county jail for 364 days.
No victimless crimes or porno to finance transition. So much for that plan.
So ended my first attempt at transition at least for a while... I was ordered by the court to see a councilor. When I came to trust her I spoke to her about my gender issues and she directed me to the Howard Brown Health center here in Chicago. I went there at 19/20 (2000). It was the summer between community college and university. The staff was helpful the support group was not. There was only one support group for all transsgender people there. I messed up that resource by giving one of the older "ladies" some voice advice. She said " I hate when pretty young grils come in here. I hate the way the group lites up when one of those sisiy boys is around. They aren't so special" Her voice drops as she says this. Then other join in and the psych running the group stops this madness. He interjects that I should not take it personally as the older ones always end up attacking the younger ones. He then went on to describe a theory where there were two types of transsexual and they do not get along.... I would think this guy was Bailey but this guy claimed to be gay. Or said yes when I asked him. Though he did not act gay.
Then I went to university for the first year I was only part time. I went back into the city to let it all hang out. My university was in the country side. Being young and TS out there would be boring and dangerous. Then in 2001 I decided to try full time. I thought I could get the paperwork done by the psychs at the school. To show him I was serious I presented as female at my appointment. This was risky as I had to walk across campus and the risk of being recognized if not just clocked was great. That did not Happen.
I put all this on that web page I mentioned earlier. I would eventually take that down and used the web page to turn in homework for an electronics course I took. The prof wanted each of us to turn in homework on a web page. The page had been search able by yahoo before then and it was after. Thankfully those who would read a page on electronics and those who would read about a young TS are not the same people.
I get into the psychiatrist office and he likes what he sees. His pupils are very dialated (very big). I am wearing short shorts 3" inseam, and a tight cami top. Back then I was fitter than I am now and was 36B 24 36. His speech falters as he responds to me talking about boredom out there and missing the city. He is so sympathetic and understanding. So I reveal why I am really there, what I am, and what I want from him. As this happens his pupils shrink to pinpoints. He is now disgusted by what he sees. He is flushed. He just sits there looking enraged then says:
You make me sick. That surgery will not make you a woman. No matter how you look or what you say you will never be a woman. You are just a pervert! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU PERVERT!"
I ran out of there. (I would latter find that as I walked back some friends of mine taped my returning from the psych building to the dorm I stayed in. They hinted that they knew but said nothing. They knew what was at stake in that little racist homophobic town.)
That one psych was forced by his supervisors to apologies to me. I was handed off to a gay psychologist for a while. He was of little help. He basically just wanted to convince me I was just gay. Then I convinced him to refer me to a psychiatrist who I hoped would prescribe hormones. She said: "You are in college and young transsexuals who like boys don't go to college and aren't interested in science. Or they are much older men who transition for other reasons.... You are just a depressed gay man..." She prescribed Prozac. I did not take it.
I considered just transitioning and I knew the science profs would be cool with it. I just needed to get into a female dorm or a female floor in a coed dorm. I went to the housing office dressed as a male so as to not sock the people there with revelation and all that. I overheard a conversation as I waited outside. One worker said to the supervisor. "Look how this persons admission application says they are male but their housing application says female. You don't think it's a transsexual do you?" The supervisor said "just put it in the male dorm If it is a transsexual still put it in the male dorm we don't do that here." I think that conversation was for my benefit. That son of a bitch psychologist told people about me!
Going in partial stealth was out of the question. It seemed only some close friends and key staff at the school knew and they were all hostile to young transsexuals. They had only one transsexual there I knew of she was an older lady who was "lesbian" and would be no threat to any males heterosexuality in any case. She also was a tenured professor so they could not get rid of her. Just hide her from public view. Which was really mean.
I basically gave up. I was broken and I gave up for a while. The choice seemed to be transsition or science. I chose science. I would choose science again if I had to do it over. Being the best physicist I can be is very important to me. So I would graduate do some great research publish it. Then shot myself dead at 30.
Then one day googleing information on Transsexuality I saw the web page of a transsexual scientist. She was [www.lynnconway.com Lynn Conway] . She transitioned at 28 and she looked great. She was stealth for 30+ years. She had helped invent the PC and Internet as we now know it. WOW someone like me did that! I resolved that I would have to hold it in and hold it together until I was in a safe place to transition and not stifle conventional mainstream success as a scientist. I would have to do as she did.
Eventually I ran out of hormones lost my contact for getting hormones and had no safe way to get them living all the time out in that small town. It took a year but I gained enough weight and damm facial hair to pass as a male without trouble. I even tried two women. Sex with two women once with each woman. Feh! I dont see whats so great about that. I actually fell asleep with one on top of me. No babies thank Allah. I converted to Islam in response to anti arab anti Muslim bigotry I saw purported out there in the country. All 9/11 was out in Dekalb,IL was an excuse for white people to be racist. I converted about four months after that. I wanted to stand with one of my good friends who I made in that dorm. He was a Muslim of Indian decent. I also had a friend who was an Iraqi Christian who's family was socialist. They hated Saddam. Those guys were harassed to no end. Blacks and jews were also harassed racist graffiti and all that everywhere. I graduated from there tried to get my M.S. there.
I had to transfer to a Univ. in Chicago proper. I get the feeling it is a trans friendlier place and so I now feel safe to transition. So far so good.
I emailed that scientist and she sent me back a message. "...The fisrt time was just a dress rehearsal this time is for real..." I will not be turned back this time.
Well that's basically what there is to know about me.
