I'm sick of lying to myself

This may sound like a slightly wierd title but I'm coming out to myself and to you people on the internet; I've tried to suppress my feelings ever since primary (elementary?) school (i was about 6 years old), but i no longer want to look like and feel like i'm pretending to be a boy, i'd like to be the girl that i feel i am deep inside somewhere.

When i was out a few weeks ago trying on smart guy clothes for my chauffeuring job with my parents there was this deep feeling that i wanted to look like the other girls in the shopping mall and not a guy.

I've felt this way for a looonnnnggg time, just never been able to admit it to myself, i feel as though i've been trying to be a guy and have always felt that although it's been ok it's never felt quite right inside.

Yes I am attracted to girls (genetic & Transgendered), that would probably make me a lesbian then, so what! I'm not too sure how far i'd take hormones but i'll try small doses at first to let my body acclimatise to them (i was born 15 weeks prem and have slight asthma, don't want any meds to create problems).

I've had a period before when i dressed as a girl for a while when i was living in a house with another trans girl and a gay guy, i had a girlfriend at the time and she was cool with me but she had a baby boy, and i need to try and sort my life out before i worry about kids.

Now i know that i want to be a girl my life will hopefully go forwards instead of being stagnant.

on another note, next sunday (1 may) TV 3 here in NZ will show the ch-ch-changes episode of CSI, i'm looking forward to it! please don't spoil it :-)

any advice from any of the girls here on what to expect when starting on the journey to womanhood (hormones, body changes, reproductive system (I'd like to have kids of my own at some stage) etc.)?

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any advice from any of the girls here on what to expect when starting on the journey to womanhood (hormones, body changes, reproductive system (I'd like to have kids of my own at some stage) etc.)?

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Well I gotta be honest, you really give off mixed signals. You will never get to where you want to be by dosing silly low doses of estrogen. Dosing estrogen without the testosterone blockers can actually have some negative effects including expedited hairloss (not the good kind; the hair on your head) and such. It might make you feel good that you are doing something about it, but it will do nothing to change your body or skin. You never said how old you were or what you look like and all this is a little important in how well your transition goes. I've never understood the completely lesbian TS thing, but that isn't so much of an issue. I mean really why get a pussy if you aren't going to put real dick in it?

If you are serious and feel that you are transgendered and honestly feel you are transsexual, you should do a few things:

#1 - Go see a doctor. I realize this is the pot calling the kettle black since I never went to a shrink and don't believe in them. However, it's the quickest way to legal hormones.

#2 - If you want to have kids and be a TS, then you have one choice only. Go freeze your sperm. If you take the right and recommended doses you could become sterile in as quickly as 2-3 months.

#3 - Plan it. Plan it well. Before you transition you will want your face lasered, a lengthy dose of hormones in your system to assist with unwanted body hair and some skin benefits as well. There are a lot of things you can do to prep that peole may not notice. Practice your voice, grow your hair, etc. If you can, you definitely want to have some $ available for surgery, and I don't mean implants. Unless you are .01% of the population or very young when you start dosing hormones, you'll need some face work.

In all transitioning is very expensive if you do it right, but it will make your life a lot better if you do. Also go join some yahoo groups and stuff that have a bunch of transitioning TS types in them. I would think that they could be a good support group for you.

Good luck!

Vicki

sorry about giving mixed signals, i was tired.

I'm 22 years old (23 on 17th June), about 5'7" tall and weigh around 135lbs-140lbs.

i'm off to see a shrink on thursday until i get clearance for hormones and then off to the endo after that (whenever that may be).

laser will be when i get some money together but it will be the first thing on the cards, then maybe facial feminisation surgery (after i've let the hormones do their work for a while).

In regards to pics, I had one on the board a while back where i was wearing a white t-shirt with a red heart on it and blue jeans (it was a self portrait), but that was taken about a year ago, i'll post a new one within the next couple of weeks :-)

as for hormone dosages, i'll see what the endo comes up with for me;
I'd like to take my transition one step at a time and not rush into it too quickly (just being health concious for my previously stated reasons, prem birth and asthma).

am growing my hair as we speak :-)

Awesome. You have a great body size for being TS and you are young. I think most of my friends would say (and I agree) take advantage of your age as much as possible. Starting sooner will yield better results.

thank you for the words of encouragement Angela :-)

very much appreciated; i'm still living at home so need to consider my parents, problem with my hair (and it runs in my Mums side of the family is that it is rather 'wooly' and thick, need to thin it slightly at the sides but grow it long at the back. I'm off to sleep, sorry i can't write more, got the shrink at 10am (it's now 0030hrs over here!). have a good night!